A/N: This was written very quickly so I'm not sure if I treated the "eating disorder/self-harm" with the seriousness and sensitivity that is necessary. So just another warning in case it bothers you.

 

 

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The restaurant owner took one look at them and quickly showed the way to a private room. He personally took their orders and opened a bottle of rice wine. Kai was cordial up until the moment he left.

The face mask was tossed aside and the oversized beanie joined it a second later. Kai's bare face was sallow and his cheekbones were so pronounced it physically hurt Kana. A strained smile on her lips, she pushed the dishes toward him.

"I'm not hungry," he said, picking at the food. He seemed exhausted to say the least; the fashion shoots were wearing him out but he somehow managed to perform at his one-hundred-and-ten percent each time. To say she was worried was an understatement; Kana was terrified of what Kai was becoming. More determined than ever, she began to stuff herself with rice, meat, vegetables and rice wine. His eyes widened when she started on his portion, but he didn't say anything or move to protect it. Half an hour later she was still eating, barely chewing the rice and washing it down with wine.

"Slow down," he warned, handing her a napkin. The bored eyes were now worried and unsure what to make of her sudden hunger. Kana was sure her stomach was going to burst.

When every last kernel of rice was gone, they called for the check. There were few people lingering around his large black van but his manager accompanied them to the car to diffuse any suspicions. Kana rested her head on his shoulder and she played with his fingers, wondering if her plan would work at all. Maybe it was stupid and foolish. Maybe it was going to drive a rift between them. His razor sharp bones pressed against her and she winced as she remembered how they had been covered in muscle just a few months ago. 

 

"You didn't eat anything," she accused as he flopped onto the sofa.

He opened a lazy eye at her and muttered the same excuse, "I wasn't hungry."

"Kai, you can't starve yourself..."

Hiding his face with his arm, he asserted, "I'm not starving, I'm not hungry."

Kana fisted her hands in her shirt and squeezed her eyes shut, the image of him hunched over a toilet in the studio bathroom pricking at her insides. "...and throw up everything else you eat."

He froze and finally uttered, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Kai...please--"

His eyes flew open and glared at her with the anger and hurt as he spat, "Drop it. You don’t understand."

The words stabbed her. Swallowing thickly and averting her gaze, she tightened her fists and managed to croak, "You're right, I don't understand..." 

She stomped off to the bathroom, hoping he'd follow and stop her. But his silence spoke volumes about his anger and she kneeled in front of the toilet with tears b in her eyes.

Without so much as a breath of hesitation, she dug her fingers into and gagged over the bowl. Once, twice, three times before her stomach lurched and the food followed. It sloshed into the water, the taste bitter and sour at once. One, two, three and another wave filled the bowl. Gasping and tears running down her face, Kana flushed the mess. He surely should have heard her gagging. One, two, three...this time her stomach refused to comply, as if it knew her intentions. Her abdominal muscles were crying for mercy, cramping and uncramping. She tried again and surely emptied it this time.

The door flung open and slammed on the stopper. He made a pained and angry noise, but she ignored him and stuffed her fingers in again.

This time it was green bile. It felt like her entire digestive system was going to come up. Did he feel this kind of pain when he did it?

He grabbed her by the arms and dragged her away from the bowl. "What the are you doing," he repeated in a terrified voice as he wiped and tears with a towel. "What the are you doing..."

"...I didn't understand so I'm trying to..."

"What the does that mean!" he tossed the towel aside and shook her by the shoulders, his eyes wide and tearing.

"Does it hurt like this every time?" 

Kai slumped back on his haunches and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "No—I—you’re…don't—don't do it again."

"Promise me then…that you’ll stop hurting yourself."

"You know it’s hard…I have to keep up my image…and all the others, they look so--"

“Jong-in…you’re so talented and perfect. You don’t need to hurt yourself to achieve someone else’s image of your beauty. Please just…promise me you’ll love yourself as much as I do.”

He stared at her for a moment and then whispered, "I promise I’ll try."

Kana swallowed the lump in and attempted to say "You pabo, you know I felt like dying when I saw you in the studio bathroom. And all that food was good too but now it's toilet mush" without crying. She failed.

Kai pressed a kiss to her forehead. He leaned in until their noses brushed and said, "I promise."

She pulled him into a tight hug. “Even when I smell like this?”

“I’m not kissing you until you chug some mouthwash.”