Uruha POV

 

I think often of that what would be if I then didn't meet Reita in the soccer team. As little I had my idea about what I wanted to be. However then, football player was the main goal. I wanted to be world famous and wanted to win cups. It's another thing that things didn't work out like so. We're world famous though, one of the most wanted bands in Japan. We climbed the ladder of succes, gave everything into and that's the extra that we're looking good. What 'sometimes'... hurts that many sees us as a fashion band. Please... do you think I'm doing, we're doing this to show off?

No! We're doing this because we love this. Because we give our bodies and souls into the whole. The music, the singing... come from body and soul, because we love it. We love our fans and they're giving us strenght. True, that we changed but who doesn't in this world? And if someone states that he didn't change... he's wrong and lies. As time flows so change people. Several impacts hit him, he gets wounds, walks in the clouds. He may change... but his true friends will always stay beside him. We're like so... or me with the guys.

I know that when we started this whole thing I was much more happier and liberated. But then I was almost like a child. Since then... I realized one or two things which affected my life. Things that fans don't see... didn't experience, can't imagine. Or maybe imagine but to feel what I feel, that don't. So... because they don't know me, don't know how I am truly, I think they shouldn't make opinions about me, about us that we're fashion crazed. Because no. We just... grew up, that's it.

---

 

"Uruha, are you coming to drink today?" peeps Ruki in front of me whereupon I look towards him. Against the big rumor, it's not my habit to drink. Rarely. Before, I might looked down at the bottom of the glass not once, not twice in a week but this almost cost my job and life. It was a hard time... I almost lose the guys too. It's not that I don't drink, because I usually do. But I know that more than 3 glass can't roll down no matter how good the party is or how ty I feel myself.

"I'm not in the mood now, sorry Ruki. I want to write the music to your song today, then I pass out if it isn't a problem."

"Of course but we're going with the guys. Reita'll be there too." he smiles. Yeah, the noseband... then tonight'll be on of the exceptional events. No, he doesn't drink because he doesn't want to. He drinks... just not with us. He has more important things than to come with us. We usually go to party, we sit in our usual place, we go to play bowling and if it's sommer then there's garden party at everyone's... but... never mind. He forgets to come, forgets that we go to him. Okay if someone's in love doesn't see nor does he hear, they say... but even so. Love is temporal, friends are there before and after too.

Or is it just to me a thing that you're 'good' before it, then meanwhile you're forgotten that you lives, after it you're 'good' again because you're needed to cry in your shoulders or get drunk with you. We played it with Reita once, twice, thrice and and now for the eight time already. I had enough of this... I don't want to be a psychical trash can. I'm human too, hello! That doesn't care anybody? I have problems too, but I shut it because my best friend doesn't give a about me. I see him just at the probes but in the breaks he's already gone... 2 words can't be spoken with him! Ridiculous...

"It doesn't matter Ruki. I don't want to go, I want to finish my part to give it to you tomorrow."

"Okay." he nods while smiling and turns back to his papers. He's looking at his designs that what kind of things he should do to Black Moral.

I turn back to my stuff but light on a cigarette. It's quiet because now is break. Aoi went with Chiyu in a shop, Kai's at the boss to conferr with Sakai, Reita... by that annoying midget. I think they're not even visible out of eachother's mouth. 'At least here would they leave eachother. But noooo, why would they. Damn...' I slake my cigarette and just stare in front of me. Takeru's chaffering and laughing is that which brings me back to the present. I mean... pulls or I don't know.

"Couldn't it be quieter?" I grunt whereupon he stops frozen.

"Sorry..." he answers whereupon I don't say anything just go drinking.

"Leave him, he's always this grumpy recently, don't take it upon yourself." gives Reita a kiss on Takeru's head which I see from the corner of my eyes. And that too as he pulls him to himself.

"Ruki, isn't it a problem if Takeru's staying? They're finished for today and I thought he could come with us." he embraces him from behind but it makes me sick!

'Oh my God?! I'm glad that I said no to Ruki!' I go over to the table and start packing my papers into it's container, then into my bag.

"Where are you going?" Ruki looks up at me.

"I'll finish it at home. I have headache." I go to my jacket and pull on.

"If you work at home, you can work here too." remarks Reita.

"Reita, leave him." interposes Ruki whereupon I smile.

"You know what, Reita? My head doesn't hurt, I just get nausea from watching your flirting." I throw at his face and go home. I saw that his eyes widened, but I don't care. Just let him know. It's already all the same, no? He doesn't give a about me, I can be hurt from base and now I'm really is. Hurt.. it hurts that because of this I lose my friend.

---

 

Of course the other day Aoi remarks to Reita that it was good that they came to drink but Reita just looks at me and says that the atmosphere wasn't good.

"You can it, because I wasn't there." I take out the papers then give to Ruki and lean on the table. "I finished everything." I start and then tell everything how I thought things. We talk the time, around 2 hours, then comes the group talk. What, when, how, what did Ruki think, Leader-sama what did allowed and what to do how. I don't pay attention to Reita in this time but when I'm about to leave he catches me on the floor.

"What's your problem, ha?!" he pushes me to the wall whereupon I look at him with a bored expression.

"Guess." I'm about to go away but shove me against the wall.

"I won't guess! But it would be ing good if you would stop and wouldn't my mood, because I'm not interested!"

"Ah, as you wish your Majesty! Then I won't open my mouth. Am I allowed to look at you?!" I roll my eyes then would go away again but he pushes me against the wall again, I mean back to it. "If you push me against the wall one more time, I'm gonna punch you in the face!" I grumble.

"Now I'm ing scared." He pulls up his brow. "You rather stop it, because the next one isn't gonna be this nice! Get off me and Takeru!"

"Get off?" I look at him questioningly. "I didn't even 'get on', douche bag. Simply you're just disgusting! If you want to be in eachother's mouth at least not in the studio! And leave that little flashy in their studio! Get it?! Because I didn't know that the GazettE has two vocalists!" I say whereupon I get such punch in the stomach that I just blink. Reita leans to my ear.

"Don't you dare to speak of him like that!" he hisses and steps away from me. "Take that as a warning!" he points at me while I hold my stomach. I'm not a fighting, work out type so it really did hurt! "One more insult and I won't hold myself back." he goes aways and I just look after him in disbelief. 'After so many years... he wants that little filthy on whom the half of PSC went through? Rather that blondie than our friendship? Did I ask too much?! Surely...' I pull myself together and go home.

---

 

I'm not an idiot, I don't bring things up. Morover, I don't even take notice of Reita in the next period. If we need to work together, then we say the important things to eachother, nothing else, nothing 'needless'. Of course the others notice it which Kai broaches that what's with us.

"Nothing." we answer simultaneously and we continue doing our things.

"Uhum... right." remarks Aoi but I don't care. Ruki watches us afterwards and night when I'm about to go home he catches me in the parking lot.

"Uruha, what's all this?" he looks at me questioningly with those big brown omniscient searching eyes. With those, before them secrets can't be and aren't, because He's the person who will know eveything sooner or later. It's enough him to look at somone, he doesn't need to speak.

"What could be?" I shove my hands in my pockets and look away.

"I want to know that too. The band's falling apart and as I see your friendship's too." he looks me in the eyes or at least trying but it doesn't really succeds, because I keep looking away.

"That has falled apart since a long time, Ruki..." I smile painfully. "This is just the end game." I look at him finally. "You know... lately I've been hoping that Reita's active partner of this dream. This which we started to built many years ago. This that would still heading but this isn't heading upwards. No matter how much we deceive ourselves. The GazettE, as you said, is falling apart and isn't a dream anymore but a nightmare. A reversed mirror. As little I fled here, to you but now I'm fleeing from here. I lost my best friend and got tired of being needed just then when he has a problem. Which is usually after loosing the loves and before finding the new one. I want my best friend, Ruki... not a stupid jerk who can't get off that annoying little , because he is!" I spread my arms. "Just the blind don't see how big he is! And is this good for Reita? He doesn't deserve this! We don't deserve this! I don't deserve this." I give out things from myself and this was maybe a little bit... intensive.

"You love him..." speaks Ruki quieter whereupon I blink at him uncomprehendingly.  

"You mean who?"

"Reita."

"His my friend, of course. I love you too." I look at Ruki astonished.

"No, I don't mean that... you're in love with him."

"Don't be kidding me, Ruki!" I chafe and open the door of the car. "Only you can say such bull." I sit in the car and go home. Ruki's words pissing me off... they're in my mind constantly and can't calm down. 'I don't understand how can he think something like that I'm in love with Reita! No, I'm not! No!' I slam the door of my flat beind me. I walk around angrily and my thoughts are just around this.

Everything is about this... this takes the most important placce in my life... and I can't get rid of it. Of the thought, of the seed wich Ruki properly planted in me. Of the seed which is constantly growing and ramping... and slowly it'll be a nice tree from it... I watch Reita as he records his own part of the song. 'No... it can't be...' I rach for my cup then light a cigarette. Night time to go home... but... since I needed to go in the toilet I become something's eye and ear witness which... fills me with pain. - I watch them. In the parking lot as they're slobbering eachother over... Reita caresses him, takes his face into his hands, assaults his lips, pulls him to himself and hugs him.

"I love you more than anything, babe..." he whispers on his hoarse voice but due to the acoustics everything gets stronger down here and to me... these words like a dragger sink in my heart.

---

 

Then, I realized that Ruki was right. I'm hurt because I love him... because he didn't even noticed me... because I just stay Uruha, whom you can go to when something's wrong, who doesn't counts because he stays a friend. At whom... he didn't even looks... mostly not so as maybe... something could be with me too. Of all of his girl-guy... was I jealous, all the time... that's why it hurt when he introduced them to me. When they broke up and he told me about them and got drunk... that's why it hurt... because that night... that one and only time he doesn't even remembers. It didn't mean anything to him... nothing in the world... he was just drunk... it happened accidentally... I was stupid. It can't be beautifyed. And now... here's the end...

I sit outside on the terrace and am staring at the lightnings. It's raining hard and is midnight, so one lightning lights up everything. I thought not once that I'm gonna tell him... but I didn't... because something always happened and I took it as even Faith doesn't wants me to tell him. This has to stay my secret. I hope Ruki forgot it too.

And I move on. I moved on.

And this man's name is Tora. Yes, the tiger-sama of Alice Nine. I know when there isn't horse, the donkey will do it too but... he listens to me and loves me. Yes, I think I can tell that about him. Me? No... but I like him and that's enough. I don't show him that I wold feel different than him, so there's no problem. Reita quipped but we with Tora are keeping the distance in work so Reita just yapped but bumped too.

---

 

"One night we could drink something." he stands beside me whereupon I look up at him, I was about to pack my guitar away.

"What? You broke up with Takeru?" I ask bitingly. "Last time, you wanted to drink with when you broke up with that girl." I zipped the case.

"No, we didn't broke up..." he shoves his hands in the pockets.

"Oh, then it's that 'It would be good to drink, come by 8 to the usual place!', and you don't come? The moron'll wait? No, thanks. Just with your little love, you don't have to waste from your valuable on me." I pull my guitar down from the table then go out from the room.

'Why did I talk like that? Why didn't I let him to open? Because I closed my heart... the old Reita's there, and maybe in my dreams he's with me... rarely but he's with me and that's it. I don't want to be a trash can or a prop to make him feel better. No... it doesn't work anymore... mainly in not this topic.' I close the door of my car but he's down here.

"What do you want?" I stand beside my door with hands on hips because he stands there but doesn't speak. "Reita, for God's sake!" I grumble but he just stares at me. "You know what, bye." I open and would sit inside but he pulls me out of it and pushes me against my car and kisses me. Suddenly I don't even know that what's happening, that... what's all this and just stare in front of me with widened eyes while I a lower my arms. "Reita...?" I look at him uncomprehendingly. I don't understand what was this... "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." he tuns on his heels, goes over his car, sits in then drives away... and I just stare in front of me leaning against the car.

'What was this? Why does he had to do this?!' I punch my car then go home. I just thrash about in my bed and don't understand the events of this afternoon. I called off the dinner with Tora too due to tiredness that I can't keep my eyes open and he couldn't do anything with me.

One kiss was enough from him and everything turned upside down already. I reach for my cell phone and leave him a message that we need to talk. He didn't pick up once... I left him tons of messages. I don't sleep anything night, I'm rolling about... he destroyed me again... I almost moved on... almost... and to me one touch is enough from him to get me crazy. Tomorrow morning I dress up, pull myself together, guitar and go to the studio. 'I can't wait to see him... to talk to him... because I want to... I hope... that wasn't just a joke.' I step inside the room but I stop. Takeru's here too... in Reita's lap who's hugging him and smiling.

"Good morning." they greet me but I just nod. 'What is this...? A joke? Is he playing with me?' I watch them but I can't decide. 'Maybe I fell asleep and was so realistic? Yes... certainly.' I put my stuff down and get into the things.       

"Okay, I'm going." Takeru kisses Reita and I look after him then at Reita who looks at me. I don't speak, why should I. The relationship between the two of us didn't change, I just dreamed, again. We're working the whole afternoon and the guys just leave to eat. Only I stay, nothing would go down on my throat. My stomach's quite bad recently and after yesterday, it's truly is. I stare in front of me, my cigarette burned down too, I just in it once.

"Shima-chan." I hear Reita and the old nickname whereupon I pick up my head towards the direction of the voice. "Can we talk?" he asks whereupon I stand up from the couch.

"What do you want to talk about? Now I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything at your love." I step away and throw the stub away, then would light another bur there's none... that was the last which burned down between my fingers.

"I know, but not about that but about yesteday." he says whereupon I freeze and just stand ther like a puppet.

"What do you want to talk about it?" I ask and arrange my facial expressions. And he gets started on some stupid talk that he was curious what he feels if doesn't kisses Takeru. "Aaah! So I was just a guinea pig!" I freak out and I give out... everything... all that's swirling inside me years ago. But maybe... maybe rather that which happened to me in the recent months. Which I realized about him.

"Why did you freak out now so much? You're gay, no? I'm not leper." 

"I don't care, you! It's ing not about this!" I pick up my wallet.

"Then?About what?" he raches after me and pulls back. He pushes me between the wall and himself. "Maybe about that you have a only at me?" he asks but... the tone's different. I look him in the eyes but I see even so the typical grin on his face. So... this was the test about to kick in me again.

"You have nothing to do with me! Nothing! Nothing with any part of my body!" I push him from me. "Birds of a feather flocked together. Go and your little ang get off me!"

"Why? You're in love with me, aren't you?" he asks whereupon I stop in the door.

"I'm glad that you're so well informed." I turn towards him. "But rather keep your remarks to yourself! You're nothing to me! The take my friend away. That man I trusted. Who was beside me and dreamed together all this." I point everywhere in this room. "What are you now? A pathetic scumbag who plays with somone else's feeling." I wipe my eyes. "I'm glad that is entertains you this much and that I assisted in your humor. But I'm not in loved with you. I'm in love with that Reita I knew. Because you're a nobody... you're not even the shadow of your oldself..." 2 tear drops roll down on my face and turn out of the room. Thousands of thought zig in my head but I know one thing. 'I need to leave the band... after this I couldn't work with him together. Look at him... that he humiliated me, that he... laughed at me. Maybe love's this ridiculous? Or just me myself?' I hold my head and go out of the building.

"Uruha, wait!" I hear Reita's voice but I don't care. Not anymore... I don't need him to kick in me once again. So I pace. "Uruha, I love you!" he shouts after me whereupon I turn my head back to him. Am I naive? Yes... but I don't see any of contempt on his face... I see fear. "URUHA!" he starts to run towards me but I don't know why...

I hear a horn at this moment so I look to my side and the car can't break in time. I close my eyes. 'He loves me...' I calm down pull my mouth to a smile for a second then everything goes dark.