He was the definition of , a perfect reflection of a Greek god. And even If I’d be given only one minute to detail his appearance, I would even volunteer to do it on a sec and simply say “Perfect.”  Well he is, with that black silky hair that shines when he sweats, those chubby touchable cheekbones, a perfect nose to blend those bright black irises of his eyes, and those thick lips that form a wonderful line when he smiles his perfect teeth.  In general he owns a handsome face and a chiseled body. Well toned chest, being shown visibly no matter how thick the clothes are, I say, would melt you on the spot.

He was the hottest guy at Seoul Uni, the chic-magnet, or when you were a hater, you call him the man- of the campus.

And I’m in love with him.

Some boys on the school don’t think— but believe he is your typical bastard and a who sleeps and screws with every single girl in the university and throw them off after like they were just some sort of a trash. But little did this people know, there was more to that.

He was a loving brother of two sisters, the adorable son of two giving parents, and a relaying friend of his high school football team. He had no friends at Seoul Uni, but he has here, in his hometown. And I know all of that, because, I Yang Yoseob, was the only friend of Lee Kikwang and the first ‘buddy’ – as he calls me— he had brought to his house to celebrate Thanksgiving.

I know he wasn’t in to me, which is for sure because he is as straight as your ruler. Hell, he didn’t even know I was gay until one night I had the guts to confess and thank heavens, he said it didn’t bother him since I’m a nice guy and said as long as I don’t harass him, which he laughed as he was saying, we’re friends.

I was really hopeful, though, back then. I have thought that maybe he’s actually gay and he feel’s something for me and that he’s not just admitting it yet. I could only laugh.

He had cleared to me when he was drunk that he wished I don’t get the wrong thing, that he’s just being nice because I’m a very nice company that he treasures, and the first ever person to have befriended him from the university, nothing more.

I was hurt of course, but at least I was treasure to him.

Until comes the twist of things.

It was that stupid snowstorm that started everything. That stupid storm that pushed the both of us to find something safe to stay, that stupid decision of the vodka shots he had suggested, that stupid game we had played, that stupid question we had asked each other, and that stupid drama I shared that made Lee Kikwang, probably one of the straightest guy you could encounter these days, made me destroy our friendship by finally breaking the barriers I’ve been using to shield my self from temptation.

I had kissed him.

And he had kissed me back.

It was the biggest shock of my whole bloody life. Lee Kikwang, straight as the doorframe, kissed me back. I had convinced myself that maybe it’s just the alcohol that had pushed him on doing that but unfortunately-fortunately, it wasn’t as it seemed. We had continued the weird bond after that night.

On our first morning from that ‘incident’, we were awkward as . But then we ended up pretending like nothing ever happened. That continued even until we head back to Seoul for the classes we have left.

That first meeting after the vacation, we had gone to a club and there I was, as I remember, humiliated by a girl and so I had ran and cried but was followed by him until we got into a bench and sat there. I was sobbing and he was silent back then, until he broke the egg by suggesting we should go back to his place and said he would make me ‘happy.’ And after that night, it went constant.

We go by day, pretending we are the same buddies of Seoul Uni. Go by night, exploring each other’s mouth. We never had or a , though, just kissing, like— just making out. Though by that time I was convinced, I had turned Lee Kikwang.

Nothing proved that right when one day he called me to go to the park because he had something to say. I thought the most heartbreaking day of my life was the time my parents disowned me. It turns out, something was ‘better’.

He had told me whatever we had—had going on— it’s got to be stopped. That it’s not who he was, or what he does. It was very painful but I had remained silent, though, nodding in agreement, absent-mindedly. Man, I didn’t know what to do.

In the end we went awkward but then he had looked into his watch and awkwardly bid goodbye as he said he had someone to meet. It dawned to me that maybe he got tired of me, just like what he usually feels to the other girls. Maybe that time when he kissed me he had only felt sympathy, but nothing romance.

A part of me hoped I should have not agreed breaking up with him, I should have begged, but that isn’t the person I am. A part of me had wished he should have not just made the break up civilized but he should have just abandoned me. Because sometimes, you’d choose rather be left with no actual rejection than having to hear a clear explanation.

We had moved on though, I had convinced myself what I felt towards Kikwang was pure lust, obsession, infatuation. Nothing severe. I was back to my usual to-do by busying myself in studying and him; back to his same old business. I realized that every time I saw Kikwang, it no longer skipped a bit like what it usually does. Maybe that was because I met another guy who was showing interests on me. I’m finally over Kikwang.

But world is round, it spins.

And now, on these very present days, something funny’s happening.

   “S-stop,” I muttered trying to get myself free from him.

He didn’t stop instead continued and kissing my neck. Time to time I would say ‘stop’ but would have my eyes close, letting myself swim the depth of his touches. I guess I was being hypocrite but what could I do, I both not wanted and wanted this.

He went onto my collarbone and kissed it sweetly, trying to stay longer as he moved his lips on mine again. I let his tongue devour my mouth as I started struggling to take his shirt off. Luckily it wasn’t that hard and so after, I enjoyed those perfectly built muscles of his body that definitely as it moved, and at the same time his hair as I indulge myself to ecstasy.

But then the confusion had taken over me and I managed to push him lightly to stop. I stared at him and the annoyance of the abrupt intimacy was obviously flickering through his eyes and that kind of made me proud that I could get Kikwang that far, but then remembered the main purpose of the stop.

   “Tell me seriously,” I started, staring at his eyes as my left hand was attached to his chest. We were still close we could hear our breath. “What is this all about?” I finished.

   “The what,” he asks blankly though the irritation wasn’t all that perfectly kept.

   “This.”

   “This what,” this time he was showing he was annoyed by the question.

I retrieved my hands and body off of him and sat on the chair from my study table. I stared down at the desk as I let out a shaky breath, doubting if I should really bring this up.

   “You’ve been – I mean we’ve been doing this for almost a month now, Kikwang. Not to mention, twice or thrice a week,” I stated, still avoiding his gaze. He was still on the same spot we were standing and just right as I looked at him, he started off towards me.

   “What’s your point,” he said, staring down at me, his hand on my hair. I looked down.

   “Didn’t you say this isn’t you, this isn’t what you do? But , we had come back to the same routine pretending like crazies again for a month now, seriously, I’m just…” I didn’t know how to proceed because honestly, I didn’t know what to say.

I stared up at him and I notice the quick avoidance of his gaze. I touched the hand that was above my head but he took it free that surprised me. He walked to the spot where his t-shirt was, picked it up, wore it, and walked off.

  “Hey,” called someone behind me. I looked at the owner of the voice, recognizing it before I could even see his face.

   “H-hi,” I stammered. It wasn’t supposed to come that way but from the last meeting we had, it wasn’t that civil so maybe that’s why my voice shook a little.

He stared at me for a sec and then rubbed the back of his head, which I found very cute since he do not do that often, and made an awkward start, “Um…”

A small smile crept into my lips as I waited for him to continue. Because honestly, seeing Kikwang this awkward was something too foreign. He was the kind of person who has the power to take grasp of the conversation and a very easy-going personality so this is so new—and cute.

   “Um,” he started. “I—you know—I … am sorry—for walking out... you know, last time…” he paused.

   “Yeah?”

   “Yeah,” he answers awkwardly.

   “You know what, this is so not you,” I stated. If he was trying to hide the fact that he blushed by looking away, he failed.

   “Yeah?” he says this time.

   “Yeah,” I said.

It wasn’t just the blush that made me overwhelmed to bones, it was also to the fact that he was obviously trying to avoid an eye contact with me since he was giving me side-way looks.

It didn’t take long until he looked into my eyes firmly, with the glint of—as what I can see— persuasion as he had said, “At Aunt Gloria’s?”

It was his favorite resto, where he had also brought me after we got ‘closer’. I nodded as I gave a small smile for him to take it as a yes. I walked ahead of him and I don’t know if I’m just being so high or is he really smiling behind my back.

Not a minute passed, we were already walking together, our hands touched from time to time and I pray to heaven I’m not getting any redder.

We were just about to exit from the gate when my phone buzzed. A message from my room-mate, telling he was feeling very sick and that he really needed water but he can’t get up. I can see it through the shortcut of words he had used. I glanced to Kikwang who was now looking questioningly at me and suddenly a pang of guilt flowed all over my body.

   “Uh, I guess—I guess I can’t join you today. See, my room mate is very sick that he can’t even stand and he needs me as soon as possible,” I stated awkwardly.

I noticed, from the corner of my eyes, that the small smile on his face faded as soon as I finished myself. But then I know he was not the kind of person who would let himself be caught so he recovered quickly and said, “Oh, is that so. Um so— see you later, then, buddy,” he stated as he raised his left hand as his other hand snuck on his pants’ pocket— as a sign of goodbye.