Chapter 13

Go for a walk, or any form of exercise that you don't have to concentrate on and just think about everything that happened and anything that's bothering you.     It is November—it’s been too long and I had not realized it.   The cold wind cradles my face as I breeze pass along the lonely street. I in a lungful air and slowly breathe it out until mists formed.   My heart is icy, just like this evening.   I have no recollection of my walk down the block. I cannot seem to remember, if I have taken a cab from there to here, or if I only just walked.   Either way, nothing makes sense now. I no longer understand and know myself. I’m tired of playing games with Jonghyun—I’m tired of chasing him. I’m tired of this vicious cycle of unrequited love. I’m tired to feel anything.   I couldn’t help wishing that Kim Jonghyun had died, instead of treating me like this. Then at least my sadness would have been tragic instead of –   “You think that’s something to be proud of?” I turn around and saw Choi Minho standing quite few meters away from me. His hands were stuff inside his pocket. Slowly, he paced closer to me until he’s walking in front of me. “Well, that is, without a doubt, the most pathetic thing I've ever heard and see.”   I stifle a laughter and sniff.   “I’m pathetic, so what?” I say almost half shouting as I stop walking. “I put all the courage I could come up to and I put on make-up… Do you know how much I didn’t want to go there?! I thought you’d want me to tie up loose ends?!”   I knew he should say something in response, but I couldn’t imagine what. I couldn’t imagine why I would ever want him to say anything. I knew it would best to have a revenge on Kim Jonghyun but now, I knew it wasn’t. At least when I was plotting the scheme, Choi Minho got mad at me.   At least when I was plotting my revenge he was able to speak and I’m really tired to feel anything.   All he did was to close the gap between us, and stand beside me as we silently walk again—leading to nowhere.   *   Long, painful pause. I freeze for a moment, at the corner of my eye, I know he glance at me and notice the mist forming around my eye.   I did not let him bother to do me a favor by being nice and etc. Coz I know Choi Minho is different. Instead I continue to walk, going to the place I shouldn’t have gone by again.   “Here…” I say with voice getting croaky. He followed me and stood in front of me, looking confused as ever. “This is the exact place where I kissed Jonghyun, where I told him my secret, where I asked him to stay and where I pleaded him to choose me… And you know what he said?!”   Of course Choi Minho doesn’t know what Jonghyun replied. It’s like he knew what I feel, but he didn’t feel what I felt.   “Jonghyun said, I am not in love with him—” I feign laughter. “Ha! Would you believe that?! He also said—he—” I started and then something happened. It was the least thing I wanted to happen tonight.   I break down. My sobs came like a tsunami and childlike. I couldn’t clearly see Minho-ssi face, I don’t know whether he’s laughing or has this genuine look that says he’s concern about me, nonetheless I hope my ambiguities and this weakling side of me won’t annoy him.   He raised his arms, and I collapsed on his chest and cried. He my hair down to my back. I could hear him heave a sigh.   “He said that he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he did when he say he only sees me as his sister and best friend. He was so straightforward… and that hurts.” I sniffle and look done with sobs. I pulled away and try to smile. “I’m sorry, if I w