How come when I reach out my fingers, it feels like more than distance between us?

Something was not right. The way he called my name no longer had the happiness that it used to have. The way he smiled at me no longer had the warmth that I was used to seeing.  Trying to calm myself and ease myself out of my paranoia, I stepped out of the kitchen and watched the man seated on my sofa.

 “What’s wrong dear?”  I asked apprehensively as I made my way to sit beside him.

I reached over and touched his hand, trying to push out all negative thoughts out of my head.

He immediately flinched back, drawing back his hand away from me.

Unable to hold in the hurt, I let out a quiet whimper.

Is this it? We’re finally breaking up because he no longer loves me.

“I slept with her.” SungMin finally said, his eyes never leaving the floor.

Those four words. It robbed me of the ability to speak as I took them in. I could see my vision blur as I watched SungMin look up at me. Unable to continue looking at him, I stood up, ignoring the rapid pounding of my heart in my chest.  I didn’t know what I was feeling but I felt terrible, empty even.  I loved him. I hated him. I didn’t know what to think of anymore.

“YooMin. I’m sorry.”

I remained silent as the tears fell from my eyes. Shutting my eyes, I let out a sob.

What we had was 3 years. It was so easy to forget all that?

“YooMin,” I felt him come up behind me and reach out for my elbow.

“Don’t touch me!” I spat out, pushing his hand away.

He let out a small sigh, “I know what I say now won’t fix anything. It was my entire fault. I couldn’t stop myself. I was drunk and she was drunk…”

“You were drunk? You don’t even drink.” I shrieked exasperatedly.

I couldn’t listen to his excuses.

“For how long have you hidden this from me?” I demanded, tears still streaming down my face.

“A-A month.” He whispered ever so softly I barely managed to catch it.

Nausea came over me and I felt myself go weak in the knees.

“A MONTH? SO FOR THE WHOLE FREAKING MONTH YOU WERE WITH ME, YOU WERE IMAGINING HER FACE INSTEAD OF ME? EVERYTIME YOU KISSED ME, YOU HUGGED ME, IT WAS HER IN YOUR MIND?”

I closed my eyes, wishing it was all a bad dream.

All the memories that we had in the 3 years played in my mind briefly as I felt myself shake in pain.

This is not happening. Please, let this just be a bad dream. A nightmare. When I open my eyes, we’ll be alright.

I opened my eyes but sadly, SungMin was still looking at me with his eyes a mixture of remorse and regret.

“YooMin, I’m really sorry. I was wrong. But please, forgive me. I will never do it again.”

“There won’t be an ‘again’.”

SungMin gave a gasp as he watched me remove the promise ring he gave me when we first started going out.

I surprised myself at my impulsive move but I did not stop. The pain of the betrayal kept playing in my mind, convincing me that this was what I wanted.

“Take this back. You can give it to her. That intern whom you slept with.” I placed it in his hand, ignoring the sharp stabs I felt on my heart.

“YooMin, please. Don’t do this. I won’t do it ever again. I’m really really sorry.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him in a tight embrace.

“YooMin, I was so stupid, so foolish. I’m really sorry.”

I sighed into his chest and cried, too weak to retaliate or push him away.

So you’re going to give him a second chance? After what he did?

I pulled myself away from him.

“SungMin, I loved you. I really did. But I can’t take this. The trust I had you was like this.”

I grabbed a piece of tissue from the tissue box and showed it to him.

“Pure, clean and complete.” I continued, “But now, after tonight, it’s like this.”

I tore the piece into half and saw SungMin wince.

“It will never be complete again.”

It was then I saw a tear escape SungMin’s eye.

“We could still patch it back. It’ll be whole again.” He started.

“No SungMin, it won’t work. You know how long it took you for me to trust you completely. I gave you my heart, my world. But now what happened?”

He remained silent.

“My world has been torn apart and my heart has been crushed. And it’s all because of you.”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry…”

“Stop apologising. The deed’s already been done. And now SungMin, we’re over.” I walked towards the door but was stopped as SungMin pulled me back.

“No, YooMin, you can’t do this. You can’t do this to me. You can’t leave me!”

I looked at his face and wanted to wipe the tears away from his eyes, kiss away the pain he was feeling. It killed me inside to see him like that. But it would only kill me more if I stayed on with him after tonight’s revelation.

“I can.” I tugged my arm away from him and opened the door. “Please get out.”

“You don’t want this, YooMin. You can’t ruin us.”

Betraying what I was feeling inside, I composed myself and replied him, “I’m not ruining what we had. I wasn’t the one who got myself drunk and slept with a .”

“YooMin, please…” SungMin pleaded.

Throat being too tight to speak, I shook my head and refused to look at him.

“I can’t live without you YooMin, you know that. I’m nothing without you.” SungMin fell to his knees and reached for my hand.

Give him a chance YooMin, he looks remorseful and sincere about this.

My heart was telling me to forgive him, but my mind was telling me otherwise.

If he could have done it once, he can still do it again.

“You will live fine without me. For 20years of your life, I wasn’t a part of you and lived well and happy.” I urged him to stand up and he obliged.

“I’m sorry, SungMin. But I can’t do it. I just can’t bring myself to forgive you yet.  Maybe, just maybe, I can do so in the future. But just not now.”

My heart ached as I said what I said, my eyes stinging in pain as I was on the brink of tears again.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered as I pushed him out of the door and closed it after him.

I leaned against the door and fell to the floor, the tears flowing freely now that I was alone.

“I loved you so much.” I whispered.