I am someone who you can consider privileged. I went to a great school, had great friends and did an amazing sport. I was sickly but I was fortunate enough to have a family that cared for me and cherished me so much. I once thought that I will be contented with what I had but somehow I started to aim higher and dream bigger. The life that I once saw heading towards finance and business shifted to an entirely different route. It was a route so treacherous that I never expected myself to even choose it.

I started to pursue music. I've always enjoyed local and foreign songs and somehow I tried to make dance steps for every groove I can cope with. I never got formal training but somehow I knew I had some talent to boot. Whenever I stand on the stage, I know I make it seem so simple but that was never the case. I endured long hours of training, sleepless nights and body pain. I endured all of it but somehow I seem to have forgotten on how to smile; on how to enjoy life. I'd push myself to my limit almost everyday that it seemed to have taken a toll on me..

But that was until you came along. 

You were an odd fellow. You looked and acted like most of my guy friends but the truth on who you really were can never be concealed. You arrived in the company looking all shy and bashful. You didn't know how to talk to us. I heard you speak English but I was too shy and too preoccupied back then to even speak to you. But other than that, the truth was I was too scared to make a mistake. You might laugh at me for speaking English in such a weird way. I carried on with my business as I saw you walk away to the office in the corner of my eyes.

Days went by and I didn't particularly see you. I heard the others say you were stuck in the lecture rooms reprimanded by the Korean teacher on why you didn't do your Korean homework. My groupmates laughed but I didn't bother confirm nor reject the news. You were an existence I was aware of but somehow I never felt.

But that changed in a single night. 

We were done training and I wanted some me-time away from my members. We were bound to debut in a few months so rehearsals are longer and harder. The choreographer pushes us even more to break our limits and achieve new ones. I was so tired that I desired to drink some coffee on my own. It was a downpour that night, I remember. I was looking at the coffee shops near the company and wondering what blend should I order. However, for some weird reason, my eyes gravitated towards you. You were looking at the bus route sign, drenched in the rain. It was obvious to me that you did not understand a single word and that you were most probably lost. You were so preoccupied that you didn't even realize I already tapped you twice in the shoulder.

"Amber.." I spoke. You jerked your head to my direction and looked at me. You were a pitiful to be honest but what surprised me the most was that you just grabbed my jacket and cried into it without my warrant. I was forced into getting my clothes wet by a girl I barely spoke to. I lead us two in a vacant waiting shed that had no passengers. My plans of getting my favorite coffee was ruined but something told me I can't leave you in that situation anymore. I looked at you and you looked at me as if you were ashamed with what you've done.

"It's all right." I said in English. You looked surprised and you smiled.

"You speak English?"

"It's not that good but I can manage quite well."

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that I can talk to someone without feeling lost.."

"What were you doing? At the bus stop?"

"I wanted some bubble tea. I talked to some of my groupmates but they said they were too busy. I dared to go alone but I realized I wasn't ready for it just yet. I got lost before I even found the shop."

I was barely able to say anything after you started. You just started to cry. I was such at a loss on what to do. You were practically a stranger but in an instant I was your crying shoulder. It's not that I didn't particularly like it. It just felt new to have a girl express herself so freely to someone like me. You just held on my arm tightly as if you were scared to let go. What surprised me though was that I didn't even have the urge to push you away.

After that, everything just started falling into place. Every time I see you, I just feel myself gravitating towards you. Whenever we are in the company, as much as I don't want to admit it, I wanted to see you whenever I am inside. Even if you didn't see me.. even if you were busy practicing or studying.. I was happy with just seeing you smile. It was an entirely different picture from when I first talked to you. But what made me even happier was that whenever you finish, you'd call me out and smile at me. It was enough to make my heart skip a beat.

When I realized I started to fall for you, the tables turned. I got busier and busier by the day right after we debuted while you continued to remain hidden behind the walls of the company. I was no longer just Kim Kibum. I am already the Almighty Key of SHINee. I was thankful to everyone, especially the fans for the immense support. I got so busy that I didn't even know whether or not I still liked you. Well maybe that sounded a little off.. I've always liked you but I no longer knew whether it was of a romantic sense or not. It is because of this that despite the great love I receive from everyone, there's this empty space within me that just can't be filled. 

And when I thought I can finally see you, it was your turn to debut. You had a guesting after the other and f(x) was even sent to France to perform. I was proud of what you have reached thus far. I saw you persevere and how much you tried to understand my native language. It was such a sight to behold that I wanted to hug you. We'd meet each other so rarely but somehow whenever we do meet, it was as if we never stopped talking. We'd catch up and we'll pick up where we left off everytime. That's how it's been for the past seven years I knew you. I never seem to get an idea of what I meant to you. Do you like me? Do you like me the same way as I like you? One thing is for sure though.. I never seem to get the timing right. Whenever I realize I like you more than just a friend, you'd either go somewhere or you were so difficult to reach.

"I just can't get this thing right! Ugh!"

"Calm down Kibum-ah. We still have a few weeks before the new Japanese single is released."

"I know but still hyung! I just can't seem to get the timing and tempo correct. It's annoying."

"Timing huh?"

"What was that?"

"What what?"

"Your tone.. Timing huh? What was that about?"

"Ohh, I don't know.."

"Whatever! Let's just go back to practice."

"I heard that they'll be flying to America soon to meet with Teddy Riley. They'll be there for a couple of weeks you know?"

"So? As if I can change anything. I've been at this for the past seven years.. What makes you think this year will be any different?"

And I was correct and Jonghyun hyung was wrong.. Nothing changed. You flied to the USA with your members while I remained here in Korea with my members as we practice for our new song. I'd message you in Kakaotalk every once in a while and you mentioned how awesome it was to work with Teddy Riley. I was happy for you. I was happy that you still take the time to message me even when I knew that we were time zones apart. But it hurt me that I can't tell you how much I miss you. Because I knew, even if I tell you.. nothing is going to change.

Three weeks passed and I heard you were back. I didn't hear from you but knowing you were safe was enough for me. I know how much you love being the States. You feel at home and you feel that you belong. You are someone that can be called as "what you see is what you get".. But I know you are so much more when you are not under the scrutinizing eye of the public. 
You are most probably with your friends while here I am stuck at the dorm...

"Kibum ah! Someone is at the door.. Can you answer it for me? It might be the shoe delivery."

"Aish.. Why did you have to go to the bathroom you idiot. Who is...it?"

You were in your pants, sneakers and black HBA sweater. You wore a cap while your hair was carefully tucked behind your eyes. You waved me a curt hello while I stood motionless. You smiled and bit your lip. I hate it when you do that. It's darn attractive that I can feel the blood rush out of my brain and into my cheeks whenever you do that.

"Hey.."

"Hi oppa.. Is anyone home?"

"Yeah. Jonghyun hyung is here. Taemin is sleeping. The other went out. Why?"

"Do you have some time? I mean, if you are not busy."

"S---s..sure! I'll just get dressed."

I shut the door to your face while I rushed to my room to get dressed. I must've looked so funny but I was panicking inside. You asked me to accompany you. It's been so long since we last did that. I rushed and immediately we went around Agpujeong and headed to Hongdae. Fans were taking photos but none of them made a big deal out of it. They knew that we go way back. Somehow it both annoys me and makes me happy. I can hang out with you freely without anyone thinking maliciously of it. We got our favorite bubble tea and you finally treated me to a cup. It's been so long since we made that pact that you only fulfilled it now. You accompanied me to Myeongdong when I looked for clothes to spare while I went with you to skateboard rinks as we watched guys rip the floor.

Evening came and we barely knew that time passed by so quickly. We held ice cream cones in our hands as we walked.. As I walked you back to your house. You kept on blabbing about your trip to New York but I was too busy looking just at you. If only you knew then how badly I wanted to hug you, kiss you and tell you how much I love you.. We were already in the front door of your house that I knew if I didn't say it now, I'll be bringing my feelings for you to the grave.

It was a cold autumn day and I remembered all the things we've been through. Years passed and we're beyond our prime. We both got a taste of the limelight. We enjoyed it and we lived it but like everyone else, there came a time when we had to step out and chase other dreams. I went to school you went back to the States to rest and start teaching dance school. I was proud of you. I saw you living your dream, finally free from the watchful eyes of people that were blinded that they knew better. Nobody knows us better than ourselves. 

"What are you thinking about again?"

"Nothing.."

"Come on now.."

"I just.. I remembered the things we've been through. I had a dream and I chased that dream. I reached it and I was happy. It was difficult but it was worth the try. But you know what was even harder? I was battling within myself. I chose being a star but I started to want a new dream.  A dream where you were not there. I was scared. It was as if I once again faced the fact that I can never seem to get the timing right. I was frightened but I knew I had to do it. I am just thankful that after everything I still found you. Perhaps we needed the space and time to grow from who we were but I just want you to know, I won't be letting go of your hand anytime soon."

"Hey, I am here. That's all that matters right?"

"I love you Amber.."

"I love you too, Kibum."

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And there we have it. :)

LOL. I should be updating my regular fics.. OTL.