Love and Seek

He brings me so much happiness. I’m glad I have someone like him in my life. I glance at him, his eyes, his pointy nose and his luscious lips. Why am I so lucky? I let out a breath and looked at my sketchpad again. I already loss count of how many times I have drawn him. He’s just too breathtaking. I smiled as I finished yet again another masterpiece. I put my sketchpad down, I called out his name softly, he stirred before opening his eyes, those beautiful almond eyes that I can’t get enough to look at. He smiled at me. Please just smile for me.

“Yunho-ah, let’s go?”

“You done with your sketches?” I nodded and I watched those lips formed into a smile again, his hand reaching for my sketchpad but I quickly stopped him, I know he can see me blushing right now. “Let me see.”

“Soon…” The rich sound of his laughter echoed, I grinned. “Come on, let’s go home.” The abandoned park is our place to be alone. It was ours, our refuge. I took his hand, it fits perfectly with mine. “Do you want to visit, umma?” walking towards his car, he nodded opening up the door for me. He really is perfect. Always taking care of me and my umma. I looked at him as he drive us to the hospital. I see his scars up close, those scars… they add up to his flawlessness. 

~*~

“Umma… we’re here.” My umma… still beautiful even at such age and condition. “How are you feeling?” I brushed a strand away from her face, she only smiled. Mama… smile forever please. “A little better now that you are here.” I smiled back, she reached her shaking arms up and cupped my face, “Smile, Joongie.” That pet name that I always want to hear from her.

“Oh, Yunho-ah…” he stepped forward, smiling down at my umma. “Nice to see you again, auntie.” My mama laughed, only Yunho can do that. “I said you can call me umma.” Mama is really the best mother out there. Someone knock and Mr. Lee entered, greeting us. He checked my umma for a while before turning to me, “Mr. Kim, I need to talk to you.”

I looked at my two beloved ones, they were engrossed in a conversation. I followed Mr. Lee outside. “Sad to say, your umma’s condition is not improving.” Oh how I want to throw a tantrum and shout at him for lying but I stayed calm, for umma… for Yunho. “She might have a few days left,” And that’s where I decided to act deaf. I wish I was deaf at this moment. He continued talking, I continued to act like I’m listening. Mama, are you really going to leave me? He finally left me alone. Alone… I don’t want to be alone.

I sat down on a chair, she is the best mom ever. Why do you want her taken away, God? Have I done something wrong? “Jae…” I looked up and saw Yunho, he sat next to me, not saying anything. “He said she might not live any longer…” That hand that I love so much held mine, it was so warm… so calming. “Is she asleep now?”

“Yes, a nurse came in and injected something…” I nodded, standing up. “You go home now.”

~*~*~*~

I sometimes asked myself if I am really deserving to be by Yunho’s side. To be loved by someone like him, so perfect. We are different, so different. How and where we grew up. He was born with luxuries, delicious foods and expensive clothing, while I grew up in the rural, working hard even though I’m still a child.

I remember the first time I met those almond eyes, it’s like we’re stuck with each other. Connected in some ways. He walked up to me and asked my name. Then all of a sudden every day, I will be with him. Those memories I love the most.

“Kim Jaejoong?” A voice called and I turned around, only meeting those same eyes as Yunho’s but it’s different, I don’t feel love from it. “Mr. Jung.” I bowed deep. “Let us talk.” One sentence that sent chills down my spine. He went out of the coffee shop, where I work. I glanced up at my co-worker, “Just a minute…” He nodded.

It’s the second time I met Yunho’s father, and it was not a very good meeting. We were laughing, enjoying each other until he came, took Yunho calmly and left. I don’t even know if he knew about our relationship. “Break up with my son…” he knew then.

Break up with Yunho? Could I do that?

“I’m sorry but I can’t, sir.” I almost whispered. I’m afraid. Not of him. Losing Yunho. Silence followed, a dreading one. I was nervous. I can’t lose Yunho, I don’t want to be apart from him. “I heard your umma is in the hospital.” Two important persons in my life are being talked right now. “And?”

“And I heard you need money.”

“And you want me to break up with Yunho in exchange of money?” his laughter is so annoying. Unlike Yunho’s. “You’re smart… so?”

“So no.” I replied, giving him a look, why do rich people think that money will solve anything? I’m working hard for my mom and I never once ask Yunho for money. “Sir, I love your son.” I simply said before walking away. It’s a coward move but… I don’t know what else to do.

Please, Lord. Don’t take away my happiness. Please.

~*~*~*~

After that day, things have changed. To say at least that Yunho was the one who insisted to break up. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something bad?

“Why?” I can’t think of any reasons why you wanted to break up with me, Yunho-ah… I thought you said you loved me. “I... you were just an experiment, a thing I can play.” How can you be so cruel? My love, please don’t lie to me.

“I’m sorry, Jaejoong.” Yunho… please don’t leave me. “Tell me it’s a lie.” I demanded, it’s the first time I demanded something from Yunho. “Is this because of your father?” he was silent. I was right. But why would you agree easily, Yunho? Why can’t you fight for us?

“I’m getting married.”

“What?” If this is a big joke, please stop. It’s not funny anymore. “Yunho…” I took a step closer, wanting to feel his warmth, to hold his delicate hands but he pushed me away. “Jaejoong it’s over.” I’m not listening… not listening…

“I played you.” Stop hurting me. Finally the tears, I’m showing you, Yunho-ah that I’m hurt. Showing you that losing you was never in my mind. “I love you, Yunho.”

“I don’t.” Do you know what you’re saying, Yunho?

“Yunho stop this nonsense!” Tears flowed down like a raging river. “I’m sorry…” he turned his back to me, I hugged him. This warmth… this warmth I will miss. This warmth that I don’t want to go away. “Please…” I sound desperate, “Don’t leave me… please.” I am aware that my tears are staining his clothes, “Please Yunho. Don’t tell lies anymore. I’m here.”

Looking back at the memories we created only hurt me more. Can I move on without him? I can barely imagine myself without him. “I’m sorry…” and just like that I feel him slipping away, I want to run but I can’t move an inch. I feel broken.

Do you really not love me anymore?

~*~*~*~

After two days, I thought I won’t be hurt more. I was wrong. My umma’s condition is not getting any better. “Mama, I love you…” The most beautiful person in the world, lay in bed feeling weak. I wish I can take her sickness away. “Joongie… smile okay? For me?” How can I mama? Teach me.

Mama, let me take your pain away please. Just don’t leave me too… I held her hand, missing the warmness of it. My mom still look beautiful even with pale lips. “Joongie, umma loves you okay?”

“Don’t say that.” I’m trying hard not to cry in front of her, I don’t want to look weak. I must stay strong for her. “It’s getting late…” I hardly go home, I can’t face reality yet. I want to be with her.

“It’s okay. I don’t have work tomorrow, I will sleep with you.” She was still smiling, how can someone this weak can still smile? Mama keep that smile please. “Not going to work again?” I caressed her soft hand. “Just for now. Sleep now, umma.” I kissed her forehead and tucked in the blankets. The tables were turned now, she used to tuck me to bed and now I am the one tucking her to bed.

“How’s your sketching, Joongie?” I grabbed my bag and bring out the sketchpad that were so full of memories. “Look, ma. Do you like?” I showed her a sketching of her, a total opposite of what she is currently. “You really draw the best.” I can’t help but smile.

At least I got you mama…

.

Sometimes life can be unfair. Bad luck seemed to not get enough of me. Of all the places, I saw you again. I still reach out for you but should I continue? You look happy. Too happy for me to like.

I sat on the bench quietly, still sketching you from afar. Look at me, I’m here. Did you do this on purpose? And as if you heard me, our eyes met. I was unable to look at you without crying so I continued to bury myself to drawing you, perfecting any creases and such.

You really moved on? You really played me? I still can’t believe it.

I still love you.

~*~

I kneeled and pray. I hope You answer all my questions. Why did You take my mama away when I need her the most? She’s the only one I got and You took her. A sob escaped my lips. Mama I already miss you.

“Joongie come here and cuddle your umma.” Somehow I managed to squeeze myself beside umma. I snuggled the warmth she’s radiating. It’s like old times. “Want umma to sing you a lullaby?” When was the last time I heard my umma sing? I quickly nodded, closing my eyes. I feel tired, so tired.

As she sings, I feel like I’m in heaven. Mama, promise me that you won’t go okay? Don’t leave me alone…

“I love you, Jaejoong-ah…”

These tears I bottled up for years finally came out. Umma… I’m alone now.

Mama… I miss you.

~*~*~*~

Walking along the cold sidewalk, the wind blew against me, almost tripping me. I look up at the dark sky, stars twinkling happily. I know somewhere; my umma is there, watching me. The funeral wasn’t really that special but I made sure that she was next to appa.

“Are you Kim Jaejoong?” That’s the second time someone asked for me. I turn around and saw a tall man, smiling down at me. “Who are you?”

“Come with me.” He pulled my arm, what do they want now? I struggled. “Help!” My screams seemed to be not too loud. “Help!!”

“Keep quiet damn it!” he cupped my mouth, I continued to struggle.

Anyone… anybody… Yunho… help me.

.

“I want you to kill her.” A man dropped a photo on the desk. I gasped, I know her. She’s Yunho’s fiancée. I looked at the crazy man again, “I can’t kill people.”

“She stole your love one… she made you alone.” His words rang inside me. He’s right but, “I won’t go that low.” The man’s smirk sends chills up my spine. Now I’m getting scared. “Let me tell you something. If you kill her, Yunho will come back to you.” Yunho will love me again? She won’t be on the way anymore.

I took a glance at the picture, “Why do you want me to do this?”

“Because like you, her family also stole something from me... she stole our money.” That’s all? Because of money you will all go low? “I can’t.”

“You will let her steal something again?” I looked at the picture again. It hurts me, they look perfect together. "Nobody's perfect, boy. Sometimes you got to be selfish to be happy." He looked at me, his scary eyes staring into me. "Do you want to be happy again?"

“When?” I don’t know why I just agreed. My emotions are the ones talking right now. “At the wedding ceremony,” I just nodded. He handed me a gun and I held it tight. “The wedding is in two weeks. So keep in touch, Jaejoong-ah.” He stood up and motioned one of his gang to accompany me out of this scary building.

“Remember, for your love for Yunho…” I closed the door and looked at the gun in my hand. Yunho-ah… am I doing the right thing?

~*~*~*~

“Yunho, please let me talk to you.” It was such a coincidence to see him alone at a mall, for days I kept searching for him. I need him right now. I need his hug, his kiss… his love. “Okay fine. What do you want to talk about?” I know somewhere deep inside that your love for me was never gone. “Are you really getting married?”

He didn’t answer me and I took it as a yes. I sighed, “Do you really love her?” he seems taken aback. I looked into his eyes, his beautiful eyes. “Do you really not love me?” it was quite weird as we are talking something serious in a mall. People were looking at us but I could care less. “Are you happy?”

“Yes.” I simply nodded; I took hold of his hand. “Can I… can I hug you one last time please?” I didn’t wait for his answer; I just buried myself on his chest, his warmth that I miss so much. And then I cried. I want you to hug me back, wrap your arms around me, Yunho-ah… tell me you love me again please.

“Umma died a few weeks ago…” I don’t know if he heard me but I feel his body stiffening. “Yunho-ah, please come back to me…” I want to act selfish right now and then maybe he will comeback. “I’m alone.”

“I have a fiancée, Jaejoong-ah.” He pushed me away gently. You really don’t love me anymore? “Do you love her?”

“Yes.” I nodded again, wiping away the embarrassing tears. I walked away, Yunho-ah... call out for me. Tell me to stop.

He didn’t.

~*~*~*~

I touched the portrait I drew. Even in drawings you look perfect. I closed my sketchbook and covered it. I will give this as a gift, Yunho-ah. I don’t know what will happen after this. I don’t even know if I can kill her. Why did I agree? I can’t back out now.

Help me, what should I do?

My phone suddenly rang, I picked it up. “It’s time.”

All I can say is I’m sorry, Yunho-ah. But for now, let me be selfish.

.

Your bride is so beautiful but why can’t I see a smile on your face right now? You should be happy. You said you love her, right? I envy her. She has everything, the money, the looks and you.

She walks gracefully towards the aisle. I feel jealousy burning inside of me. I want to be her.

I don’t want to be alone. I will be selfish for once.

“Before we start bonding these two souls, is there anyone who is opposing their marriage, do speak now or forever hold your peace.”

My inner peace is already destroyed when two beloved people in my life disappeared. So this is what I get for being in a relationship with you for almost five years? This is unfair.

I opened the church’s door wider and I was greeted with weird looks. I slowly walked up to them. It hurts walking down the aisle because I’m not getting married. I think I’m crazy.

Mama, please forgive me.

I stood in front of them. I can hear Yunho’s father shouting at me. “Jaejoong-ah, what-” I fished out my gun, hearing people gasp. My beloved Yunho, just tell me you still love me and I will stop all of this. “Jae, drop the gun!” Yunho I miss your voice. He stepped in front of his soon to be wife, protecting her.

Yunho ah, I should be the one who you are protecting! I... I don’t want to be alone. So you really love her huh? You’re willing to protect her. I closed my eyes...

What have I done? I have gone crazy.

I threw him the gift I was holding, he didn’t pick it up. “Yunho, I’m sorry.” I pulled the trigger and turned around quickly, eyes locking with that man that forced me to do this awful thing. I shot him. It was so loud. And then another loud bang echoed.

I can feel the gun slipping out of my grasped. I fell down, my body aching too much. I looked down... blood.

Blood.

I searched for Yunho and I see him, still standing with his pretty little wife behind. His face, I can’t describe it but he still looks handsome. I smiled, “I love you...” I hope he hears me.

My eyes are getting tired and I feel like I’m swimming in my own blood. Umma is that you I see? Are you going to take me?

Mama... take me away please.

“Jae!” I hear you Yunho, I hear you. I love you, Yunho...I love you.

“Don’t you dare close your eyes Jaejoong. Hold on,” he lifts me up, “I’m so sorry boo...”

I’m sorry too Yunho-ah...

fin.

Hi guys, okay I know you will all probably hate me right now but for now, excuse the poor sentences, I was... emotionally drunk. I wrote this in just one day while listening to THSK's taxi on repeat. I know you will probably ask question, 'why did Yunho do that?' or 'Why do you do that author-sshi?' well... just.. you know :D I can't explain why I made this kind of fic. The plot was stuck to me for about a year so I just had the guts to write all of this down. Also i'm sorry for not updating Oppa's Secret and Stuck because yey! I'm a college student right now. hahah... so yeah I'll be busy but i'm tping away don't worry.

If you have anymore questions about this ty fic, just ask me :) But I won't answer all because ;) ;) Comments please! Thank you <3

I don't even know if anyone of you is read this DX

(c)authorsshii___