For the extra feels listen to the song here:

xxxx

~~~~~~

Taemin stays, even though they aren't together anymore. He isn't supposed to stay, the purpose of breaking up was to drift apart. To slip away. 

But Jonghyun couldn't let him go anyway. Taemin is that warm security blanket, showering him with comfort and soothing words. 

Jonghyun doesn't think Taemin realises, what exactly it was that made him so miserable. Taemin doesn't know what exactly sent him to the lowest form of existence. 

The memories that were to be forgotten. Jonghyun could already feel his eyes smart at the thought. The time put together to create such memories, the heart warming laughs; the tense, heart stopping fights and the fleeting fluttering of the heart during their moments of calm. 

He hurts more knowing this than knowing he will be left alone. It's inevitable, he knows. Taemin will fall in love and Jonghyun will be left alone again. 

Taemin really doesn't understand, Jonghyun thinks. 

It pains him that he can't be the one to provide for Taemin. The pain a reminder of just how pathetic he is. It kills him to know that he will never be the one to make Taemin's eyes sparkle in love or adoration. 

It hurts even more knowing that he can't have Taemin. Not in the same way again. Taemin isn't his anymore and Jonghyun has to let go. He isn't good enough for Taemin. 

He folds his legs and brings it to his chest, digging his face into his knees with a muffled sob. He could hear the voices now. 

Pathetic

Worthless

Die. No one will miss you. Die.

He can feel sadness wracking through his system, thrumming in his blood, the voices, all of the many voices, taunting him, mocking him for losing the one thing he thought he could hold onto. 

All the things Jonghyun did to Taemin. He didn't mean it. 

He didn't mean to make him cry, he didn't realise how powerful words could be. 

He didn't mean to hurt him, he didn't realise how fragile Taemin was. That strong stature proved false. 

Jonghyun wishes he got to tell the other boy. Tell him about how he felt, truly. 

The tears begin to seep from under his tightly shut lids. A repetition, drop after drop, spilling onto his jeans as he lets himself cry after so long. 

He could slip away from existence so easily. 

~~~

Taemin has the tendency to give Jonghyun the cold shoulder, that which he is doing now, after yet another argument. But even then, the younger asks around, making sure Jonghyun is eating and he's not hurting himself. Jonghyun lets him, but still thinks Taemin should let him rot. 

He's good for nothing. 

But it's as if Taemin really doesn't know. 

He doesn't know what exactly makes living so difficult for Jonghyun. 

No, he's wrong, it's not the loneliness that comes with being left behind. It definitely isn't. Jonghyun has gotten over that, loneliness being the only person he had in his times of sadness. 

No, it's not the sadness that comes with a break up. Jonghyun saw it coming. Him and Taemin were in love but they didn't fit. They still don't. 

No, it's not the rare moments they shared together, in mutual happiness, either. Jonghyun has come to understand that those moments were as rare as they were going to be. He's gotten over that. 

His chest aches at the thought that everything they had together will be forgotten. Taemin has someone new, someone who can provide for him, someone who can do a better job than Jonghyun ever did. 

He feels his chest constricting as he thinks of the one face he came to know so well. He'd become so familiar that emotions were easy to read, thoughts splayed out for him to see. 

Yet Jonghyun couldn't tell what could keep Taemin happy. How pathetic. Taemin slipped from his fingertips like water, he was unable to hold him. 

He swallows another pill, all he can think of now is his wish to sleep and how pathetic he is. 

He's so tired but he can't sleep. Why can't he sleep?

Jonghyun places another one in his mouth and swallows with a mouthful of water. 

He can feel his chest tightening, his eyesight is blurry but he continues. 

One pill after another, it's a pattern: pill, swallow, pill, swallow, pill, swallow

Jonghyun smiles at the darkness finally clouding over him.

He welcomes the darkness like an old friend. 

~*~*~*

Taemin walks into the household he had become familiar with, making a short greeting as he slips off his shoes. 

The small flat is as cold as it usually is, Taemin still can't comprehend why Jonghyun likes to torture himself in these bismal conditions. 

He reaches Jonghyun's bedroom, not surprised the older isn't awake yet. 

He is surprised to see that there is crumpled paper everywhere. All thrown carelessly around the room, as if Jonghyun had been writing something that caused him to have another panic attack.

He picks up one random balled up sheet from the floor and sees faintly the pen blotched, by water of some form. What was Jonghyun writing that made him cry?

There's a sealed envelope slotted in the mirror on Jonghyun's wardrobe. It's addressed to him. This one is the neatest, noticeably. 

He reads slowly. 

"Taemin, 

You never understood that it was the thought of losing everything we had together. 

It was the thought of losing all our memories that made me like this. 

I promise I never meant to hurt you, or make you cry. 

I only wanted you to know, that I'm still in love with you.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to make you happy. I'm sorry for turning out this way. 

Kim Jonghyun."

He stands still, ignorant of the tears blurring his sight. 

In moments, Taemin is by Jonghyun's bedside and shaking him, crying, begging for him to wake up. Jonghyun shakes limply, under the force of Taemin's hands and there's a small smile on the elder's face that refuses to leave. 

He won't wake up. 

A/N:

There you have it, I uh, hope you like it, I guess. It's just a short drabble from when I was feeling like crap, venting out my crapness in this crapness, you get the gist.

This is also the first time I've written an actual thing in present tense, I was uncomfortable, but I think it didn't go too bad. :)

If you do like it please comment and tell me how you feel (throw in some CC if you really want, but no bashing because I'm not that strong), subscribe if you want more of my crap fics and upvote if you really think it deserves it.

Cheeseypuffes x