It was a good emotion reliever for me to write this story. I've been having too much negative emotions bottled up in me. 

                His thoughts have destroyed him more times than any person ever could. They were black and lurked in the darkest corners of his mind. They stayed no matter what and Mark couldn’t get rid of them. But he got used to them, as time passed by; the dark thoughts had turned out to be the red head’s only companions. They were the only ones that stayed by Mark’s side.

               He is an older brother who is a coward. He is the horrible son. He is not even the second choice. He is the „leftover“. He is not the clever one. He is the talentless one. He is the „why are you even here?“ He is just not good enough. Mark woke up every day with these thoughts and had to fight the urge to just run away.

                The red head was always the silent one. The shy guy who didn’t really talk that much. But he was happy back then, and he misses the days when he was carefree. Mark wanted to blame the world for his down fall. He wanted to blame Got7. He wanted to blame Jackson. But most of all, he wanted to blame Jinyoung. But he couldn’t, because deep down he knew that the red head was the one who triggered the self-destruction button. Jinyoung was just the person who pushed Mark into the starting point of his self-hate.

                The mere thought of Jinyoung almost brought Mark into tears. He was so stupid to think that for once he could finally get what he wanted. What pushed him into believing that he was worthy of the younger male?

                As Mark laid in his bed, curled up under the blankets, he remembered how all of this started. He wanted to believe that it was Jinyoung who started all of this mess, but who was he kidding? It was the red head’s traitorous heart.

                It all started with Mark noticing how extremely cute Jinyoung looked when he was smiling and how his laugh was so breathtaking. He always found himself being star struck when the younger male showed him different dances that they could learn together. The wind was knocked out of his chest whenever Jinyoung was too close to him and his mouth would always become too dry when he was alone with the younger male. The red head knew from the start that he was physically attracted towards Jinyoung.

                The funny thing was that Mark was straight, and when he found himself being attracted towards his band mate, he got scared. What will the others say? How would his family react if he told them that he liked guys? He could already imagine the disappointed look his mother would give him and that his father would probably start yelling at him.

                The red head woke up every day with the thoughts that maybe it was just a phase; maybe it will all go away. But it never did. The feelings only grew stronger.

                The first time the red head truly started hating himself was when he came out to his family that he was gay. It was through a Skype call when Mark was the only one in the dorms. His heart was almost jumping out of his throat when he pressed the call button. And when his mother answered the call, he could almost feel how his heart stopped.

                The clear expression of disgust on his father’s face had made him feel a vile taste in his mouth. His brother was looking disapprovingly, his sisters weren’t there during the call, but what scared him the most was his mother’s reaction. She had always been the one to support him the most, so when he needed her, why wasn’t she on his side? Her face was expressionless and the red head could almost hear his heart breaking at the sight of his family slowly falling apart in front of his eyes.

                His father had demanded that he either comes back to the States, so that he can get “fixed”, or he is not his son anymore. He knew that his father didn’t mean it like that, but it felt as if he died at that moment. Without waiting for his answer, his father ended the call and Mark did the only thing he could do at that moment. He fell apart in the middle of the living room. He felt physically and mentally drained. And you might ask why all of this could be classified as Jinyoung's fault? Well, it was because of the younger male that the red head had decided to come out to his parents. And now it seemed like he lost a part of his heart with the confession.

                The members of Got7 found Mark still lying on the ground in the living room and they could all see that something was definitely wrong. Jaebum was he first one to make his way towards the red head and he could see that Mark had been crying. His eyes were still a bit puffy and his nose was a bit red. This was the first time the band mates had ever seen Mark reacting to something like this.

                ‘Hyung, what happened?’ The red head shifted his eyes and looked passed Jaebum at Jinyoung. How could he be standing there so perfectly when his family had basically disowned him a few hours ago?

                ‘I had a fight with my family.’ Mark’s voice wavered and it sounded as if he was on the verge or crying again. The band members were surprised with his answer. Mark never really had arguments with his family. At least not that big to make him cry over them. What exactly happened while they were out?

                ‘How bad was it?’ Mark’s eyes met Jinyoung’s orbs and he frowned.

                ‘I told them I was gay.’ It would be an understatement to say that his band members were shocked. None of them expected for Mark to say this. It seemed as if the Maknae line was confused and Jackson seemed to be smiling encouragingly. Jaebum was at a loss of words and he just sat down on the couch. But what scared him the most was Jinyoung. He had this faraway look on his face and his lips were pulled into a firm line.

                The oldest member still remembered how after a few seconds Jinyoung came back to life and started cursing Mark out. The red head could feel his heart being ripped out with every word that spilled out of Jinyoung’s mouth. Jackson managed to cover the younger male’s mouth after his shock wore off, but it was too late. The damage was already done and Mark could feel how he died for the second time that day. 

                It didn’t even help that Jinyoung apologized after a few days for the way he acted and what he said. But not even a thousand of “I’m sorry’s” could get him back.

                Mark woke up every day just to see how his band mate avoided him and his other band members couldn’t do anything about it. He woke up every day just to die all over. He wanted to tell himself that things would get better tomorrow, but he has been through so many tomorrows and nothing has changed. He slowly lost hope to get the boy he loves to feel the same way about him.

                Imagine his surprise when he walked in on Jinyoung kissing Jackson in their shared room. Mark thought that he was having a nightmare, but the pain that came after he dumped into the doors told him that it was all real. This was happening and Mark was the one who had to witness everything. The boy he loved was kissing his very own best friend.

                And what hurt him the most was that even thought he was hurt, he could still feel the previous burning love not fading away in his heart. The fact that Jinyoung, who didn’t accept gay people and flipped out on Mark when he announced that he was into guys, was making out with the red head’s best friend had triggered another string of hurtful thoughts. Why was it okay for Jackson to be gay and Mark had to be shunned because of the fact that he liked guys? Was he not good enough? Was Jackson better than he was? Why did Jinyoung accept Jackson, but he couldn’t accept the red head?

                The red head woke up every morning to the sight of Jinyoung and Jackson cuddling on the Hong Kong native’s bed. And Mark had to lie every time because he did not want anyone to know how much he was hurting. And no one noticed how the red head averted his eyes towards the ground whenever the newly formed couple kissed in front of everyone. No one noticed the way Mark exchanged his short sleeved tops into long sleeved ones. No one noticed how he started spending more time in the bathroom. No one noticed that he was drowning and that he needed their help desperately.

                Mark hated cutting, but he didn‘t know any other way to get rid of his problems. He hated his scars, but he couldn‘t live without them. They were his reminders of what he was. They reminded him that he wasn’t good enough.

                The first time he had cut his own flesh was after the first time he walked in on Jinyoung and Jackson having . The red head needed to take the pain away, and he remembered that he had once read somewhere that emotional pain could be relieved by physical pain. He had used Jaebum’s shaving razor and he got scared after the first cut. Was it supposed to bleed like this? The wound bled for a few minutes with a thin river of blood and Mark was freaking out a bit.

                Now when he looks back on it, during that moment, it was the first time that he realized that he had lost what he never had, and it hurt even more. The first time cutting had left a scar on the skin of his left arm. He sometimes rolled up the sleeves of his top and scratched at the wounds. It made him feel at least a little bit alive when he felt pain.

                After some time, the red head simply stopped caring. He still cared about Jinyoung, still too much, but he stopped caring about himself and what would happen to him in the future. He was just too tired to carry on like nothing was wrong with his life. He never let himself forget the cruel words Jinyoung once told him and always repeated them in his head before going to sleep. That way he won’t forget who he was. He won’t forget that he is disgusting and worthless.

                And the worst part was that Jinyoung broke his heart, yet Mark still loved the younger male with all the broken pieces. Maybe he was a bit masochistic, but his love was too deep and too strong to just simply let go of it.

                And maybe at night when he was a little too tired and a little too truthful, that‘s when he saw himself for who he really was. He was nothing and no one would ever want a broken toy. Sometimes he felt like Jaebum noticed the change in him. He was a bit more cautious around the leader, but the younger male always was a bit too observant. And Mark always answered with an I’m okay whenever Jaebum worried about him.

                Maybe he should have fallen for Jaebum. Maybe everything would be different now. But it’s too late to change this.

                Sometimes it got so hard that Mark just wanted to give up. Every eighteen minutes, somebody dies because of suicide. Every forty three seconds, somebody attempts one. The red head wondered if he would ever be a simple statistic like that also. Mark had contemplated if he shouldn’t just finish this up. He could simply take a lot of sleeping pills or drown himself in the bathtub. Would Jinyoung miss him? Would he maybe realize what he lost? Mark died every day inside when he realized that it could be the last day he heard Jinyoung saying his name before he finally snapped.

                But Mark had his own plan already.

                He was just a few cuts away from reaching it. 

Again, I am sorry for this fail angst. I tried as best as I could.