"The only thing that I ever wanted - I will never have"

♦♦♦

His Tinkerbell died years ago.

That girl who he had been dating for 2 years.

That girl who was his first love.

That girl who couldn't survive a terrible car crash.

I remember when I ran into the hospital and found Kim Jongin sitting silently. His body was here, but his eyes were wandering somewhere else, a place that was very far from here.

Are you okay? I mouthed as I came closer to him.

Jongin seemed surprised by my presence. He smiled but he didn't answer my question. He patted the empty chair beside him and gestured me to sit. He closed his eyes for a while before he finally spoke.

"She’s gone now,Kyungsoo."  His voice was harder, tougher than I’ve ever heard before.

"Hyeri lost too much blood and she didn’t survive." He added and I could see a tear slipping out from the corner of his eye.

"My Hyeri didn't survive."

And then I felt pain.

A lot of pain.

I could feel what Jongin felt. And I know that I need to be strong for him. I reached for his hand and held it when his body started shaking and shuddering.

"She was on her way to meet me. It was our anniversary. I was supposed to pick her up but I couldn't, since I need to do something else first. I told her to meet me at the restaurant and......" Jongin started to sob.

I’ve never seen him cry that way. The first time I saw him cry was when he was 12 years old and he missed his mother so much. All he knew was that his parents divorced and his mother went to America. Years later, I found outthat his parents didn't divorce, but his mother already died because of cancer. His father lied to Jongin because that's what his mother wished. She didn't want her son to see her dying. I found out about it accidentally, promising to keep it a secret from Jongin. 

I held Jongin's hand more tightly and squeezed it so he knew that I'm here for him. That he's not alone. 

"She died alone, Kyungsoo. I'm not even by her side when she exhaled her last breath." The sobs didn't stop. Instead, they just grew louder and louder.

It's okay, it's okay. I told him, rubbing his back gently.

But in reality, it's not okay.

Not for Jongin.

It took him a long time to go back to his old self.

He stopped eat a week after the funeral. He became depressed and refused to live. He breathed, but I could see that sadness and sorrow consuming him slowly.

Jongin turned out to be like a living corpse.

Week after week, there was no progress. My father and I started to worry, so we decided to bring Jongin to the therapist. The therapist told us to enroll Jongin to a private hospital,a little bit far from Seoul. Luckily, my father agreed.

I visited him twice a week, every weekend. I wanted to visit him every day but I needed to finish college first. Sometimes I brought along his favorite food that I cooked myself, or just another book.

Peter Pan was our favorite book.

So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land.

When we were children,we used to read Peter Pan together before sleeping. Jongin would act like Peter Pan and I always knew where I belonged.

The lost boys.

I always considered myself as tootles, the most cunning and the only one of the lost boys without a speaking voice.

♦♦♦

We were on the private hospital and Jongin was asleep with his head on my lap. Watching him sleep made my lips curve into a small smile. I  his hair gently while my index finger traced his cheek, noticing that Jongin's face was much more sunken. His cheek was thinner and paler; so weak, so fragile.

It pained me too see that.

I remembered him as the strong and cheerful Jongin.

I was still nine when I first met him. He came to my orphanage with his father—who was also my father now. I was always bullied there because I was different from the others, weak and sickly. But Jongin treated me like a normal person. He's the first one who ever offered me friendship, brotherhood, and not to mention,love.

Days passed before I visited him again. I could see some sparkle in his eyes, and I knew thathe was starting to go back to the old Jongin again. On that day I knew that he already found his Wendy.

Her name is Shin Seul Ra, a young girl with black hair and a sweet smile,someone that looked so flawless. I wish she wasn’t that perfect so I could find her faults and hate her…but I couldn't.

She was going to be a nurse soon, so she took an internship in a private hospital where Jongin was being treated. A month later,Jongin finally went out from the hospital and went back to Seoul.

There was a night after he got back when we were both lying side by side on the grass in our backyard while watching stars in sky.

 Stars are beautiful, but they may not take part in anything. They must just be look at forever.

That was my favorite line from Peter Pan and that's what I feel. I would always look at Jongin, but I couldn't do anything. I would always look at him forever. He laid so close to me, our shoulders brushing, and my heart yearned for every part of him.

But I know his heart belonged to someone else.

He's the only thing I ever wanted and I know that I would never have him, not the way I wanted it to be.

"Hyung?" Jongin called.

Yeah?

"Do you think Hyeri will be sad if I loved another girl? If I loved Seul Ra?" He asked warily.

As long as you are happy,she will be happy too.

Because that's what I thought I would feel. If Jongin was happy, I would be happy too. 

However, time proved me wrong.

♦♦♦

I already graduated from college and started working in my dad’s company. It's a big company and I knew Jongin would inherit this.

It was Christmas and we had our special dinner at home as usual. Before, it was always Dad, Jongin and I. But now Seul Ra came along. Everything went so smooth until Jongin said he needed to announce something.

"We’re getting married." Jongin stood up and smiled brightly. His other hand entwined with Seul Ra's. Seul Ra blushed a light tint of red that spread across her cheeks.

And that time I knew that Jongin's happy. But I can't feel his happiness. My heart stung. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. My world collapsed right in front my eyes and I really wanted to scream.

Don't be with her, be with me.

But I knew I couldn't.

"You are still so young Jongin and you haven’t finished college yet." Our dad said with firm tone.

"But I really love her, dad. She's my whole life and I want to