01
It's Still A Dark NightThe aroma of protection surrounded me like a force field. The scent originated from the man sleeping under me. He was my escape from the exposed truth, realism. If I would've acknowledged that it was attached with such gruesome feelings, I would rather be lied to. To spare my fragile heart that has already endured enough desolation. Was it karma bitting me in the for stealing a toy from the daycare center when I was younger? If the answer was yes, I will travel back to my house, peel back the floor boards to search for the invaluable object.
"Go to sleep," he groaned. The feeling of his voice vibrating under my fingers gave me temporary comfort.
"I can't.." My voice came out unstable, barely being able to finish those words.
He ran his hands over my arms in reassurance that the moment that occurred will flourish. When I sleep, will they diminish into the depths of my mind or will they stain my eyelids? Instead of closing my eyes to darkness, I was welcomed with flashing, petrifying images. It was as if the movie film of my life can only rewind to those events.
The woman- who had raised me to become selfless, and nothing on the opposite standards- glared at me while pacing around the living room. I was once grateful that the life I possessed contained nothing consisting of violence nor difficultly concerning friends or family. But my birth was to create my mother's ghastly and dreadful life to become adorn. The reason I was thriving on Earth- at least for her- was to distract her from her repulsive crimes.
"Stop!" She bellowed at me. "Stop looking at me like that!"
"Maybe if you wouldn't have done those things, maybe I would treat you differently!" I shrieked at her constant attempts to deny her wrongs. Deep down, if she deceives me any longer, she will be torn to shreds by the hands of guilt itself. Her vexation was clamming up her hands, and averting her eyes around the little details of our dwelling. She tried to conceal her actions that were caused by irritation by running her digits through her golden locks. Her anger will whip out aggression, I acknowledged the certain ways her brain functioned and snapping under extreme pressure was a definite. The truth will desquamate in matter of time.
"I am not to blame here," she picked her away around the topic.
"Then who told him to come home later? You said that for you to meet up with one of your coworkers. Mom, I knew you played dirty, but seriously, to the man that gave you everything?"
The simple actions she was doing- scratching her head, pondering another lie to pile onto the mountain- infuriated me. My father was reported missing according to the county officers, but she knew the details. I knew there was no way that he disappeared all of a sudden, he died. Now, due to her foolish actions, it caused the only person that loved me for myself besides Hyungsoo, was ripped from me. I suffered maybe even more than her when she should be the one in the most in agonzing pain. She was the single person who last contacted him a few nights back during the incident. The evenings that followed gradually became ominous.
"What do you have to say to that? Remember the night of the incident that I was suppose to stay at Bom's but didn't because it was already late? I heard everthing, can't you imagine how disgusted and extremely disappointed I was? Wait, all you could think of was having an affair! Now because of you, this family is crumbling!"
She sighed, shaking her head side to side. No reply came her sealed lips, for there was nothing that could be said that would change, the past was to remain permanently. But I found words that have been yearning to be spoken, words that have been shawdowed so I could ignore everything that followed after. "When he came in, he heard you enjoying yourself. It was almost as if you steered the car for him. You drove him away."
"I wasn't the one who killed him!"
"He committed suicide because of you!"
Hyungsoo hushed my cries that were muffled; he still heared me. I tried to say something, anything to avert from the subject, that could express how I felt but they became entangled witht he fabric of his sweater. His lips placed endless, delicate kisses upon the crown of my head. He acknowledged the felon part of my mother that she conceals and how I was a gleaming diamond in the rust. Since day one of fierce tormenting- that will be extinguished soon- he was there to wipe away the tears, push the hair from my eyes, and gift me with gentle words of encouragement that aided me for what tomorrow had in store. I couldn't adore him anymore as of right now.
"I love you, you know that right?"
"I do," he responded. He was about to be whisked away into another dream. "But I love you more than anything you can ever imagine. It scares me sometimes, the things I would do for you to be happy.." The majority of his sentences after that became slurred and incoherent from utter exhaustion.
My hand the hairs that clustered and pestered around his eyes. His head tilted to my touch but his eyes remained closed. Maybe if I fall asleep, we can search for each other and thrive on the grounds of our imagination. When I close my eyes, he will be patiently waiting for me with outstretched arms. If I fall asleep on this dark night.
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