hoseok likes drawing. he likes the feel of his lead pencil smoothly scraping over his preferred paper for that piece. he also likes how the metal tip of his ballpoint pen glides over random scraps of paper.

receipts.

brochures.

tissue papers.

hoseok prefers those times where his hand itches and finds the nearest writing tool and any flat surface available for writing and doodles.

his hand having a mind of its own producing after , capturing the scenery he's currently seeing. stolen moments turning into one of his accidental masterpieces. from the way the leaves dance to the way that certain person's feet turn into the darkest black his pen ink could muster due to the setting sun.

but recently, hoseok finds himself drifting away from sceneries and abstract pictures. his inspiration for drawing becoming parts of the human body. whether it be eyes or mouth or just the way a finger flicks.

but as tiny doodles on edge of books he borrowed from the city library turned to stacks of papers scattered across his working desk, hoseok knew he's addicted.

addicted to the same pair of eyes he keeps drawing on each paper he gets to touch. the exact same pair every time. he draws them staring into nothing or even tightly shut. details never changing.

always that same pair of eyes hoseok came to love each he makes.

but hoseok feels troubled. no matter how hard he tries to draw the entire face his mind can't imagine how the nose would look like with those eyes.

or whether the teeth hidden beneath those two shapely lips are cute and tiny or relatively large like his.

one night hoseok dreams. he dreamt about the eyes he loves to draw.

he dreamt about the same set of fingers he doodled once wounding itself on his wrist.

he dreamt about a smile.

a smile he was sure he has never seen in his life but feels his heart ache at the sight.

he dreamt about those things he came to love fade into darkness. the oblivion behind his eyelids swallowing them one by one.

then came a voice.

a voice hoseok knew he has never heard in his life. but his ears twitch with familiarity as the voice resurfaced again.

"hoseok." deep and husky,  echoing in the deafening silence of his mind.

hoseok bolts awake. his hands furiously searching for the papers he kept tucked underneath the lamp on his table.

his fingers grasp tightly on the pen he snatched from somewhere between two pages of a book.

his eyes tracing each flick his hand makes. searching his mind for that smile. his hand working faster than ever, afraid that the image would fade if he stops for a second.

he stares at the shapely lips. and the row of teeth he tried imagining for months.

he stares at it until the corner of his sight turns black.

he stares at it and feel his heart ache again.

a year passed by quickly. fast enough for hoseok who spent each day going over his neighborhood.

fast enough for him who spent each week traveling city from city.

fast enough for him who spent months flying leaving a country for another.

fast enough for hoseok who was determined and sure that if given enough time he'll find that person behind that smile and eyes he came to love, and yet a year had passed and he was still alone at his flat. hunched over his table, his hand working on a masterpiece he repeated a hundred times.

in the midst of his sulking phase, a busy day came. robbing hoseok of good night sleep and daily meals.

he groggily walks past people, his back curved at an unhealthy angle. his eyes drooped low, the bags under them darker than hoseok's charcoal pencil.

he pushed open the door to the nearest cafe he stumbled to. lazily ordering a simple black coffee and fresh baked cookies.

he dragged his feet to the table near the glass windows covering the wall of the cafe from ceiling to floor. he produced a notebook and pen from his bag. he grasped the pen on his palm, willing his hand to work. closing his eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet smell of vanilla and cinnamon surrounding him.

then it hit him. a face.
his mind working a mile per second. black spots behind his lids turning into a beautiful face.

a beautiful face with those same pair of eyes he discovered a year ago.

a beautiful face breaking into a smile hoseok knows too well.

he opened his eyes, blinking slowly each time, reminiscing the face his mind finally showed him. his hand worked much faster than his brain. turning into a blurry image of tan and flesh.

he finished the image just before a plate of cookies was slid on his front.

his eyes staring at the image he just drew, memorizing each detail of the face he finally knew.

"sir." a voice interrupted him.

a voice hoseok knows too well.

he raised his head, his heart racing each centimeter his face goes up. he was met with the same face he just drew. he looked at his notebook again, then the boy's face. notebook, face, notebook, face.

he saw the boy's eyes widen as the smile in hoseok's face brighten. the boy looked at the drawing in the notebook hoseok was holding and hurriedly placed the coffee at the side of the plate.

"i-if you need anything else, just get our attention..." the boy turned his back, hesitantly gazing over his shoulder and bowing his head. "s-sir."

hoseok grabbed the receipt the boy left at his table. his eyes searching for something. he hoped for some miracle. he hoped that the cafe puts the name of the waiter assigned for each table.

then he found it. taehyung.

"taehyung" he whispered. and the boy paused for a second and fastened his pace.

hoseok stood up, following the boy. "taehyung. your name's taehyung right?"

he caught up with him easily, the boys tiny steps no match for hoseok's long stride. hoseok reached for the boy's wrist. his fingers latching itself on the petite arm.

then it hit him.

as if time had stopped for them. moments from hoseok's life he never knew happened rewind themselves in his mind. his memories, once locked up inside a chamber in his brain, played again.

even those memories from years ago he thought he's forgotten.

they all came flashing one by one.

-

"mr. jung, i assure you that if you follow this therapy, your hand will get well in three months time." an old man wearing pearl white coat had asked hoseok to follow him into a room. he handled hoseok's hands with care, as if it would break any second.

he slid a pencil into hoseok's hand. and a paper infront of him. dr. park, hoseok learned what his name was after seeing the metal plate attached on his coat, described various images to hoseok.

he instructed him to draw each one. from dogs to trees by the han river. but each time hoseok's drawings all look alike. like the scribbles made by toddlers in the daycare room next to his. dr. park talked him to making time for drawing every day, and he did.

-

hoseok opened his eyes slowly. the brightness blinding him. he opened his eyes to see white. white ceiling. white curtains. white bedsheets. even a white tube attached on his hand going to a bag of fluid hanged on a metal bar.

he heard gasps and silent wailings surround him. unfamiliar faces rounding his head, blocking his eyes from the light. "honey. honey, look at me. are you okay?" an elder woman with small eyes, red from crying, asked him through sobs. she leaned in and touched hoseok's cheek with delicate fingers, his face twitched and leaned away.

"who are you?" he asked. a question he desperately wanted to ask the moment he opened his eyes. "where am i?"

a slap collided with his arm, he looked at the girl who hit him. still unknown to him. the girl smiled at him and crossed her arms over her chest. "yah! stop joking."

he was bewildered by everything. who are these people. where is he. why are they acting like they knew him. "that should be my line. you stop joking and answer me. where am i?"

the girl and the elder woman looked at each other. concern and nervousness flashing across their eyes. they hushed the other people out the room, and went with them to look for some professionals to explain what's happening.

hoseok caught a few words from their conversation. words that he doesn't know why it would explain the situation he's in right now.

amnesia.

accident.

comatose.

1 year.

-

"hoseok. hoseok. slow down. you're going too fast." taehyung whined from beside him. his hands clutching the seatbelt and hoseok's hand gripping the steering wheel.

"no." he barked back. no, he won't stop. no, he won't slow down.

no, he won't let go.

because if he can't have taehyung. then no one can.

no, he can't leave hoseok.

"you're scaring me, hoseok." taehyung whispered. hoseok looked at him, tears pricking the other boy's eyes. hoseok's grip on the wheel
softened.

his voice was the last thing hoseok heard.

his crying face the last thing hoseok saw.

his hand on hoseok's wrist the last thing he felt.

hoseok's hand flew to taehyung's front. it was the last thing hoseok had done before his car crashed on a tree by the street he was driving too fast on.

hoseok tried to pry his eyes open. he saw taehyung unconcious on his side. hoseok's hand removed itself from taehyung's chest and to the boy's opened lips.

he's breathing.

he's alive.

he's okay.

"taehyung-"

his name the last word on hoseok's lips before the pain on his head and the broken bones on both his hands became too unbearable. and he succumbed to the darkness that tried to swallow him before.

sorry taehyung. i love you.

the words he wanted to say the past hours the last thing on his mind.

-

"hoseok." a voice hoseok knew too well tried to persuade him. a voice that even through clouds of haziness on his mind, he can't erase. a voice, that even through bottle after bottle of alcohol, still the only thing that can make him smile.

and now, it's the only thing causing him pain.

"hoseok." the voice tried again. hoseok shook his head. no. no.

hoseok shut his eyes tight. ignoring the pen and paper taehyung slid before him.

no. no. this isn't happening.

he's dreaming.

he's sure of it.

reality shouldn't be this painful.

"no. i don't want to." he sobbed. still shaking his head.

"hoseok. please."

he shook his head. he opened his eyes to look at taehyung, and he wish he didn't.

taehyung mouthed 'please'. and still, hoseok shook his head.

taehyung was crying with him. nudging the pen onto hoseok's closed fist.

he shook his head again. certain that if he shakes his brain hard enough, he'll wake from this cruel dream.

no. no.

taehyung played with the gold ring on his finger. and hoseok shook his head again.

"please. no. don't say it. don't do it." hoseok pleads. taehyung cried harder.

he pulled the ring off his finger and stood up. "hoseok." and hoseok shook his head harder.

no.

please, no.

"i'm sorry."

-

well that .
im really sorry for letting you read that horrible story. i had this taehyung edit in mind and then this prompt came. i wanted to request it to a different writer but i wanted to write it on my own. thus, this horrible supposed-to-be-angst came to life.
oh, and the flashback started from the most recent. meaning, after taehyung almost left, hoseok dragged him to the car to commit a joint suicide (is that what they call it) yeah.
do i have to explain the fic? do i?

again, i'm sorry.