Are you sure this isn't love?

I've asked myself many times, to which my subconscious automatically replies with a resounding, "No!"

It's a simple crush, a simple mistake. 

I will get over it soon, it's just a phase. Yes, it's just a phase.

A phase that's lasted for 9 months , 5 days and still counting. People say that anything over 3 months is love.

But no worries, that doesn't apply to me. There's no way this is love, because love shouldn't feel this way. 

Love is magical and sacred, we are not.

Love is uplifting, but this is torture.

Love will last, but we will not.

But then why is this happening to me?

A simple crush shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't be lifted to the heavens when you talk to me, or down in the dumps when you're not there.

I shouldn't admire your smile so much. I shouldn't be surfing twitter, fan pages, video sites, sometimes hours on end, just to get a glimpse of that alluring crinkle in your eye. And those gums, those accursed pink, delectable gums.

i shouldn't be berating myself over simple mistakes I make when you're there to watch. I shouldn't be spending hours in the bathroom just rethinking your stupid perfect features.

I shouldn't spend hours reliving the moments you talked to me, or rehearsing how I should talk to you the next day. I shouldn't spend hours on my bed, just deleting and rewriting my messages to you, trying to hide my deepest passions in a facade of nonchalant, mandatory concern when you're sick.

I shouldn't spend so much time scrolling through convos, trying to retrieve old photos of you that I'd deleted over and over again. I shouldn't spend so much time working out just for you, and I shouldn't have rejected that last cupcake, your face on my mind.

Alas, though this is not love, and I repeat yet again that it is not love, I still can't help feeling like this.

I can't help that your face is engraved in a permanent mental shrine, and what is this burning feeling I get when you talk to that other man? Feelings of jealousy to which I have no right.

But finally, though this is certainly not love, I don't know how long this will last but hopefully, not long. Because even though this is not love, I can't fight the urge to kiss you anymore.