“Amber, what do I do?” Henry asked, his head in his hands. He glanced up at her, chewing his lip anxiously.

Amber tried to mask her emotions behind a relaxed mask as she crossed her legs. “It depends. Do you like her?”

“I don’t know…” Henry whispered. “She’s beautiful, she’s nice, she’s always on my mind, but… I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship like the one she wants. What if it ruins our friendship?”

Her heart throbbed, but she maintained an even smile. “Snoopy, why not? What are you so afraid of? If you like her, why are you stopping yourself?”

“It’s just… Nothing. I guess I should give it a shot, right?” He sighed, meeting her eyes.

She nodded. “I think you should ask her out. After all these months of progressing your friendship, I think it’s due time.”

“Thanks, Amb.” He smiled, rising from the couch and wrapping his arms around her waist in a quick embrace before he started walking towards the kitchen. “I’m going to grab something to eat, do you want anything?”

“Nah, I need to go. Jackie and I have a Skype date.” She watched him disappear behind the kitchen walls and finally sighed, her very being exhausted.  Quickly, she threw on her jacket, simultaneously pulling out her phone and checking her messages.

She had a few texts from Peniel and one from Kevin, with a couple of Kakao notifications in their group from Ailee.  Smiling to herself as she read them, she headed out of the living room, waving lazily at Henry before opening the door and walking out.

“Wait, Amber.” Henry said, catching the door before it slammed back into the latch. She looked up from her phone to see him smile at her. Her heart began to race, but she just raised her eyebrows. He grinned even wider. “Thanks for everything. Text me, okay?”

She nodded, returning back to her cell phone.

“But Amber, she’s so perfect, you know? I don’t know. I don’t even know what I like about her so much. She’s great at everything, really.”

It had been a few weeks since they had talked due to his filming schedule, and all he could talk about was her. Amber could understand, really, she could, but it was too much. Couldn’t they talk about something else? Work, their favorite new dramas, their band members, anything, anything but her.

 “She can speak in English almost as good as yours but of course you knew that and  she speaks Japanese even better and she’s fluent in both Korean and Chinese and it’s just so much easier to communicate with. And she’s simply beautiful. God, she’s beautiful. Her lips are to die for, honestly. I can’t even-“

“Have you kissed her yet?” She cut in teasingly, her voice taunting but her curiosity genuine. She held her breath discreetly, terrified of his answer.

The line went quiet for a few moments. “Yeah.”

“Was it good?” She exhaled noisily, clenching the bridge of her nose to hold back unnecessary tears that would leave her far more embarrassed than she would ever allow.

His voice was soft;  loving. “It was heaven.”

“That’s good.”

“Amber! I didn’t know you were coming over.” Zhoumi flashed her his brightest smile, a grin so happy she could feel his optimism seeping into her. He opened the door wider. “I missed you, kid. Come here.”

She allowed him to hold her for a few seconds, breathing in his divine scent before pushing him backwards with a faux smirk. “Hey, Mimi.” She strolled into the dorm, surprised to see Kyuhyun and Ryeowook arguing on the couch over the remote. She hadn’t expected anyone else to be home since they had been preparing for a comeback. “Where’s Henry? Still at the studio?”

Zhoumi froze, his face becoming pained. “Er, yeah, probably.”

She shrugged, taking off her jacket and throwing herself onto the couch beside Kyuhyun. “What’s up, guys? How’s the comeback going?”

Ryeowook beamed. “It’s going really good, I think! We’re going to release the song at the end of March, and this time, we’ll finally perform in Korea with Zhoumi and Henry. “

“It’s been horrible.” Kyuhyun frowned, shooting Ryeowook a look. “We’ve been practicing non-stop. Literally, non-stop, with only like an hour of sleep each night before starting to practice again. It because Donghae keeps messing up the choreography. My muscles are so sore!”

Clucking his tongue, Zhoumi whacked Kyuhyun in the face with a pillow. “Shut up, Kyu. You still can’t dance to save your life. I think even I’m better than you at dancing now. That’s pretty sad.”

“You’ve always been better at dancing than him, Mi. No one is worse than Kyu.” Ryeowook murmured, and Amber couldn’t help but laugh.

“Wait, so why are you here? Henry’s out.” Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow. “I’m getting real sick of his ‘girlfriend’ . I know they’ve been friends for a while but it’s already getting suffocating.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “They’ve been friends since before I knew him. I think it’s finally time they start dating.”

“Doesn’t it bother you, though?” Kyuhyun asked, his eyes glinting a acquainted evil tint. “You know, the way he’s been ditching you to go .”

“Kyuhyun!” Zhoumi growled, punching him in the shoulder hard enough to make Kyuhyun’s eyes water.

Amber found herself mindlessly staring into space.

Of course it bothered her. Why wouldn’t it? But she had no right to feel as upset as she did, because from the beginning he had been MeiShou’s. If anything, she should feel guilty for stealing Henry away from her in the first place, because she was the reason they had drifted apart. It was her that came between them; it was her that occupied Henry’s time that was meant to be MeiShou’s.

Their relationship was complex. Too complex, more than it should be.

They had become unlikely friends years ago, but they were instantly close. They had nothing in common but they were never awkward and they never had any conflicts with each other, because if they ever had an issue, they would either talk about it or get into a physical fight to ease the tension between them.  He had many other ‘best’ friends, of course, but they were inseparable regardless.

Henry constantly confused her by giving mixed signals. It was the little things that got her to notice. He would cuddle close to her during movies but as soon as the lights went up he would restore distance between them. He would talk to her about anything and everything, from those terrible nights of homesickness to the makings of drama between members to the simplest crush. S

In her mind, they had almost been, but of course in reality they could never actually be. They were just another ‘maybe’ that didn’t work out the way she wanted.

“You alright, Amber?” Zhoumi said worriedly, feeling her forehead with the smooth coolness of his hand.

She shook him off, smiling gracelessly. “Yeah, fine.” She leaned over Kyuhyun’s lap to snatch the remote, instantly changing the TV to her favorite English movie channel.

Kyuhyun groaned. “Amber, we don’t understand this English , what the .”

“You deserved it, .” Zhoumi muttered under his breath, but Amber heard.

She tried to devote her attention to ‘She’s the Man’, but the gnawing voice in her mind wouldn’t let her forget that everyone knew. Everyone knew how she felt about him despite the efforts she had put forth to keep her feelings hidden, and it was humiliating.

She awoke with a start, disoriented until she realized that she was still in one of the Super Junior dorms. She had fallen asleep during the movie, which was not uncommon but it was not her intent. She fumbled for her phone, shocked to see that she had been sleeping for more than two hours.

She got to her feet drunkenly, blinking tiredly as she glanced around to see if anyone was still home. They were probably at practice, but she wanted to be sure. She checked the bedrooms quietly, opening doors to find them empty.

Sighing, she strode to the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face to clear her mind. She couldn’t keep doing this. Holding onto the remains of the past would get her nowhere, and she needed to wake her senses up.

As she was drying her face, she felt as if someone was watching her. She impulsively pulled back the shower curtain to be sure there was no murderer waiting behind it, but the coast was clear.

She shrugged, heading back towards Henry and Sungmin’s room. She whipped out a pair of Henry’s rattiest sweats and a raggedy torn T shirt and started to change, humming a song off of Donghae and Eunhyuk’s new album. She put his shirt on quickly, but the catchy song that had been in her head all day was getting the best of her and she couldn’t resist indulging a bit, shaking her hips as she stepped out of her pants, doing the choreography to their music video.

The door was thrown open, and she froze in her underwear as she let out the loudest scream humanly possible. The body in the doorway crouched over and held its ears, giving her time to jump into the sweat pants and arm herself with Sungmin’s nun chucks.

The person straightened, displaying features all too familiar.  “What the hell, Henry? Ever heard of knocking?”

“It’s my room! And why are you even here?” He frowned, rummaging through his drawers to find a comfortable pair of skinny jeans and a t shirt he wouldn’t mind drenching with his sweat.

After moving to sprawl on his bed, Amber began to play with the stress ball on his bedside table. “You asked me to come over today, remember? Where were you?”

She hadn’t really been paying attention but out of the corner in her eye she could see him slip off his shirt, and she had to bite her lip to keep from blushing. Now that she was looking, actually, she noticed the red hue to his visage. “What is it?”

“Nothing, I was just… it’s nothing. Sorry I was late.”

What gave him away was the tips of his ears- his ears only became red with embarrassment when it was something intimate, something ual. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach, her head whirling with disturbing images and unwanted thoughts.

“Hey, you okay?” Henry was suddenly too close for comfort, his worried eyes searching her blank ones. He reached up to feel her forehead but she smacked his hand before he could touch her.

“I’m fine.” The tone of finality that rang through her voice signaled to him to drop it.

He backed up, giving her some space and sitting at the foot of the bed. “So, what’s up?”

She shrugged. “I heard your comeback plans are going well. That’s really good.”

Henry shrugged. “I’m about ready to kill Donghae hyung and I don’t think I’m the only one.”

“Hey, Donghae Oppa is literally one of the sweetest people ever. Give him some leeway for mistakes.” Amber wrinkled her nose.

Henry looked at her oddly. “What, do you have a thing for that kid now? He’s, like, six.”

“He’s twenty eight and he’s like a brother, you know that.” Amber shuddered at the thought. Donghae was one of her favorite people, but he was never going to be like that. Besides, she was at least ninety percent sure that Donghae was gay.

“Anyway, how have you been? It’s been a while, yeah? How are things in the world of Amber?” Henry crossed his legs, watching her intently.

She wriggled uncomfortably under the intensity of his stare. “I dunno, good I guess.”

“That’s good.”

It fell silent, and the awkward tension between was tangible.

“So…” Henry cleared his throat. “I liked your underwear.”

“Pororo is cute, isn’t he?” Amber tried not to laugh. Her mood changed abruptly, and she sighed. “What have we become, Henry? Why is it so awkward right now? This isn’t how best friends are supposed to be.”

“I wish I knew.”

Henry.

He was always running through her mind. She would be trying to focus on something important, and her thoughts would slowly become corrupt by Henry. She didn’t know why this was happening again, because it was not a good time.

How could she like him if he had a girlfriend? That made her despicable. Sick. She would never endorse cheating, even in her thoughts.

And her thoughts, oh god, they had become completely tainted. Henry, Henry, Henry. It was always Henry, but sometimes, she was there, too. The feeling of his lips on her body, the warmth of his body pressed against hers. It was hell, it was heaven.

She would constantly watch her phone.

The question was always there- would he text her? Did he miss her? Did he care? Did he even notice that she hadn’t talked to him in weeks?

He never would. He was too busy for the little things like that.

Some days would be okay. Some were happy, even. But mostly it just saddened her.

The loneliness crept up on her, grasping hold of her so strong she had to call Kibum and beg for him to snap her out of it before she did something else she’d regret.

“Try to think about something else, Amber. I know it’s hard, believe me. I know your life , but you can persevere. Try to get out more, maybe enjoy the feel of the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair. Only if you feel up to it, never push yourself too far or force yourself to do anything, that’ll make it worse. I’ll try to swing by later and we can talk for real.”

Amber wouldn’t let herself be alone. If she was alone, she would sink back into that grave depression that would be near impossible to overcome.

“Ailee, come on.” Amber begged, smacking her leg. “I want to do something. Let’s go out. I’m just so sick of sitting here.”

“Amber, chill out. We have work tomorrow.” Ailee sighed, kicking Amber away half-heartedly.

Amber scrunched up her nose, displeased. She needed a distraction. She needed something, anything, to get it off her mind. Ailee glanced up from her phone, took one look at Amber, and let out a long breath. “Fine, Amber. Let me see if the guys are doing anything, maybe we can all grab some dinner.”

“Thank you.” Amber smiled brightly, although the light did not touch her eyes.

Chewing her lip, Ailee went back to scrolling on her phone, typing rapidly for a few moments until Amber’s phone began to go off with buzzing notifications. As promised, Ailee had been asking around to see if anyone was free.  Thankfully, almost everyone agreed to hang out, which meant it would hardly be any problem at all for her to finally think of something other than that.

They were not exactly discreet.

With all seven of them, it was nearly impossible to even hope to be secretive. Besides, everyone had already seen their conversation anyway. They all ended up going over to Eric’s, with Peniel bringing a huge bag of Grill5 Taco tacos and Kevin lugging the drinks.

It was always fun, nights like these. The ones where she could finally free herself of the linguistic barrier and the pressure to be perfect; the nights where she could be weird and drunk and stupid and herself, because she was with people who could relate to her in the best ways possible.

Shaking her head, she focused her attention to James, who was currently telling a story of something that had happened during rehearsal while Min and Ailee laughed uncontrollably, presumably because of the cans of beer they had been sipping at. Amber didn’t really know James as well as she knew the others, but she didn’t mind. Company was company, and with each person came a loud distraction to free her mind.

Yet, as soon as she had subconsciously thought of it, her mind became flooded with it all over again. Would she never be able to escape it? Would she ever be able to accept the fact that he was MeiShou’s? She didn’t’ think she could. She was too selfish.

“Amb, what’s wrong?” Kevin asked softly, resting a hand on her shoulder gently. Her body jerked in surprise, but she didn’t look up from her knees, twisting her hands around her cool can of alcohol. “Amb?”

 “It’s him, isn’t it?” Peniel said quietly, setting his own drink on the coffee table to rest on the couch beside her.

It was no question as to he was referring to.

He didn’t have to say the name; they already knew. She had been too obvious, she hadn’t been careful enough. Then again, how could it ever have been hidden? She was a window when it came to emotions. No one had trouble understanding her at all.

“I just… I regret meeting him.” She downed the last of her can. “He makes me feel like I’m a mistake in comparison to what he deserves.”

“Amber.” Peniel said disapprovingly, taking her empty can from her to place it on the table before gently holding her face, connecting their eyes. “You are not a mistake. You’re perfect, okay? I know that Henry knows that, because everyone knows that. The only one who doesn’t see how brilliant you are is you.”

Kevin threw an arm around her shoulders. “I know you’re having a hard time right now, Amb, but just remember we all love you, okay?”

“Yeah, Amb. Please just know that we’ll always be here for you, no matter what. You can tell us anything, everything, or nothing; it’s all up to you.” Eric added, patting her knee to offer his support.

James cleared his throat. “So I don’t really know the full story but this Henry guy seems like an . Just getting that out there. You shouldn’t let his stupidity get in your way, Amber. You’re too awesome for that .”

“Group hug!” Ailee demanded, plopping onto Amber’s lap and wrapping her arms around Amber’s waist. Min laughed before joining in, pulling James along with her.

Amber smiled to herself.  This was what happiness was, she was sure.

The odor of someone’s sweat was filling her nostrils and it was too much to handle so she pushed Ailee off, resulting in Min falling onto the floor with Eric on top of her. “Sorry ‘bout that. But deodorant, people, deodorant.”

“Aish!” Ailee smacked Amber’s leg angrily, adjusting her wavy locks. “Honestly, Amber, one of these days I’m going to kill you.”

“Shut up, you love me. You just said so.” Amber winked, reaching for another can of beer.

“Yeah, and you’re lucky I do, or you’d be dead.” Ailee muttered, heading over to the other couch to lounge across both James’ and Min’s legs.

“Amb? You’ve had enough to drink now, ‘kay?” Peniel said, removing the can in her hand. “You’re pretty smashed, you want to lay down?”

“I’m ‘kay. I gotta go, I think.” Amber stood, stumbling so badly when she tried to walk that she ended up face planting.

“Call Luna!” Kevin slurred, his eyes shiny. “No drivin’.”

She laughed, waving the air away. “I know. I’m gonna get some air, y’know how ‘tis. ” She staggered out the door, tripping over the door way and falling onto the porch. She decided that she was too comfortable to move and punched in Luna’s number into her cell blindly.

“Hello?”

“Come ‘n get me, ‘kay, Unnie? I’m at Eric’s.” She yawned, rubbing her bloated belly.

“Amb? This is Henry, what’s wrong with you? Are you okay? Why are you at Eric’s?”

She opened her eyes widely. “Henry? I hate you. You’re an . I don’t like you, nope. Go away.” She hung up and rolled onto her side, clutching her achy stomach.

Immediately, her phone began to ring. Clutching her ears, she fumbled for her phone. “What, what is it?”

“Amb? Where are you, I’ll come get you.” Henry’s voice filled her ears and she felt bile crawl up .

“No, go MeiShou s’more. Like always, right?” She laughed bitterly.

Henry sighed. “Amb, you’re at Eric’s, right? Eric who? Nam?”

“Why d’ya need to know?”  Her head was swimming in alcohol, but she knew one thing, and that was that she couldn’t give into Henry anymore. They needed boundaries, or it would defeat the purpose of trying to move on.

“Please, Amber. Please. I just want to be sure you’re safe.” He begged, and she ended up giving in because no matter how hard she tried, she could never say no to him.

“Yeah, Nam. Call Luna for me, ‘kay? I gotta go home.”

“Okay. Be safe, okay? Go wait inside.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“…’kay.”

She forced herself to stand up, clutching the walls for support as she headed back into the living room. It had gotten messier, beer cans flung around the floor as Min and James held a mini dance battle. Amber flung herself onto the couch beside Peniel.

“Peniel, c’mere.” She waved him over, and he scooted closer, giggling in a way unlike himself. “C’mere, c’mere. Closer.”

“What d’ya mean? I’m already close!” Peniel laughed.

She yanked his face closer to hers, turning his head last minute so she could whisper into his ear. It was nothingness, words without meaning, but she laughed so hard at herself that it grew contagious and they ended up leaning back with her leaning against his chest, her arms wound around his waist as they shook from drunken laughter.

Some time passed that she couldn’t keep track of even if she had wanted to and all too suddenly Henry was in front of her, his eyes distracting her from paying attention to what ever nonsense was spilling from his mouth. She laughed aloud, detaching herself from Peniel to trace Henry’s eyebrows.

“You’re pretty, y’know. Like a girl.”

He rolled his eyes. “How much did she drink, Ailee?”

Ailee shrugged, texting. “Who cares? Why are you even here? We didn’t invite you for a reason.”

He shook his head and held out a hand to help Amber up. “Are you okay?”

“I gotta go home.” Amber sighed tiredly, leaning against Peniel’s chest. “You feel nice, Peniel. You smell good too.”

Henry frowned before weaving an arm beneath her knees and an arm behind her head, effectively picking her up. He held her away from Peniel, cradling her to his chest, and she couldn’t resist snuggling into the warmth even as an ‘I hate you’ fell from her lips.

“I’ll take her home.” He received no response, so he just jerked his chin and spun on his heel. “Then, I’ll be leaving first.”

Amber could hear someone talking. It was blurry, like when you hear sounds underwater. She burrowed her face into the blanket, tightening her grip on Henry.

Wait. Henry?

She cracked an eye open, and thankfully the room was dark enough that it didn’t make her head throb. Henry’s  smooth chest was not five inches from her, and the realization made her heart begin to race. He was talking into his cellphone. His tone was angry, his Chinese rapid. He was probably arguing with MeiShou.

She tried to focus on his words, but her Chinese was never up to par with his and his speech was too quick for her to pick out more than a few words. She knew he had said her name, and the word for ‘alcohol’, and ‘sleep’. MeiShou was probably pissed that she was sleeping in Henry’s bed right now.

She met MeiShou quite a few times back when her and Henry were trainees. MeiShou was very nice, usually. But her lips would always press into a tight line at Henry’s skin ship towards Amber, and now Amber could see why. MeiShou must have liked him for a long, long time.

She refrained from moving even the slightest, because she really missed this between them, even as friends.  Henry said something particularly harshly, and then she felt his arms pulling her closer into his chest as if he was shielding her from MeiShou’s words.

He hung up on her, throwing his phone onto the floor with a loud exhale. “God. I swear, she’s crazy sometimes.”

Amber chewed her lip, making sure to maintain even breathing as he talked to himself. She let herself get lulled back into a sleepy stupor as Henry shut his mouth at last, his breathing slowing. He held her closer still, his nose buried in her short tresses.

When she awoke again, her mind was clearer. Her head hurt like hell, but her thoughts were no longer tangled swarms of bees.

It was lighter out now, the early morning sun shining in a weak dim beam through the window. She was pressed back against Henry, her back to his chest with his burly arm hugging her close. It was too warm, because she was naturally hot and Henry’s body heat was not helping, but it was a warmth that she had been craving for months, so the discomfort was ignored.

She moved slightly as she stretched, and as she did so, arching her back, she felt something firm poking her. She froze, torn between waking Henry and making sure he was not wakened.

Henry stirred, freeing Amber from the arm that had held her against him, but she didn’t dare move for fear he would be fully awake if she did. He sighed, blinking himself awake.  He searched through the blankets for his phone, so Amber hastily pretended to be asleep, because the phone was on the floor in front of the bed and he would see.

He cursed as he saw the time. He glanced at her and then back to his phone, silently debating whether or not to wake her, she could tell. She knew he had practice all day because of the comeback, so probably needed to leave. He looked down at his boxers and blushed before climbing out of bed and running to the bathroom.

As soon as she heard the shower running, she released a breath.

She wanted to cry out of frustration, because she missed that kind of intimacy with Henry. Not necessarily , because she loved the cuddling and stuff they used to do before he was dating MeiShou, but she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if they ever took that kind of step together.

Sitting up, she laid a hand on her heart, silently willing the muscle to slow, but it thumped against her palm in the same sick pace. She blew her bangs from her face angrily, wishing that love was something that could be controlled.

 She hated that she loved Henry, because they were never going to happen. They couldn’t work out, she had already seen that. They were just another ‘almost’ between friends, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to ruin her friendship with him for something that would certainly end in disaster.

Henry came out of the shower