Deserve You

“Do you want to join the photography club with me?”

 

“Photography?” I raised an eyebrow at my friend. “I didn’t know you were into photography…”

 

“I’m not really into it,” she shrugged. “It’s just that Hongbin became president!”

 

I gave her a look of disbelief and scorn.

 

“Hey…” she raised her hands up in defense. “Do you even know Hongbin? Have you even seen him?” She fanned herself jokingly.

 

I knew who Hongbin was. Of course I did. He was extremely popular in school because of his very handsome face, and as cliché as it sounded, it was true. There wasn’t a Valentine’s Day where he hadn’t received chocolates and I hear girls swooning over him at least once a week. And I had just found out that just this semester, he had become the president of the photography club, which sent the number of members skyrocketing.

 

But I had never interacted with him.

 

That is, until the winter of 2013.

 

 

 

I had a hot cup of coffee in my hands and was making my way to the teacher’s lounge to discuss something with my homeroom teacher. I took a sip of the coffee and let the warmth engulf my body. School hours were over, so there were few students in the halls. And I remember believing that I deserved the unfortunate event that happened to me next.

 

Hongbin was running down the hall, directly in my path. Apparently neither of us were paying much attention to what was in front of us at that time; I was staring at my Styrofoam cup and estimating how many sips I had before it was all gone, and he was most likely staring at the screen of his Samsung Galaxy S4.

 

You can probably guess what happened next.

 

“Ow!” I yelped as the hot coffee splashed all over my uniform and on my skin, possibly burning my skin. A loud clatter was heard and I turned my head to see Hongbin’s white S4 on the floor.

 

“Are you okay?” he ignored his phone and frantically got up to his feet and stepped towards me. He was staring at me worriedly. “I’m seriously so sorry.”

 

“I’m fine,” I replied. I looked down at the coffee stains on my button-up. Well, that would be a pain to wash off. There was a burning feeling on my neck and collarbone and I flinched when I brought my hand up to feel the burns. Hongbin picked up the Styrofoam cup, drew some napkins from his pocket, wiped up the spilled coffee, and disposed the trash in a garbage can, all while I was simply standing there, not knowing what to do. It would have been rude to just leave him.

 

“Thank you,” I said softly when he returned to me. I handed him his phone, which I had picked up off the ground. I was relieved when I had found the screen wasn’t cracked.

 

“Y-Your skin,” he pointed at my neck which was bright red.

 

“I will be okay,” I bowed and began making my way to the girl’s bathroom. I thought he would have just left after that, but he didn’t. He ran up next to me.

 

“You’re not mad at me?”

 

“No,” I replied, shaking my head.

 

“I should have been more careful,” he sighed. “Oh, I’m Lee Hongbin, by the way.” He held his hand out.

 

“Han Mari,” I replied, shaking his hand just before we stopped in front of the girl’s bathroom.

 

“Thanks again… Hongbin-ssi,” I said before entering the restroom. I must’ve spent at least ten minutes in there, trying to dry my clothes off and trying to relieve my burns with paper towels soaked in cool water. But when I came out, Hongbin was sitting there, waiting for me. My eyes widened in surprise; I had really expected him to leave, since he seemed to be in such a rush earlier.

 

“Are you alright?” he questioned, rising to his feet. It made me slightly uncomfortable, the way he looked at me. I nodded.

 

“…Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

 

He shrugged. “It doesn’t really matter anymore, I guess.”

 

There was a small pause before he spoke again: “Thanks for not getting mad at me. Most people would have cursed at me to be more careful.”

 

“I don’t have any reason to be mad at you.”

 

“I think you have all the reasons to be mad at me.”

 

“I deserved this…” I awkwardly replied, scratching the back of my neck. He gave me a peculiar look.

 

“I don’t think anyone deserves that to happen to them.”

 

I really didn’t know how to reply to that.

 

 

 

Our second interaction took place on the Valentine’s Day of that same year.

 

I was sitting on a bench, under a large tree in front of the school, waiting for my brother. I was playing a game on my phone and didn’t notice when someone plopped down next to me. After about a minute, they called my name.

 

“Mari-ssi.”

 

I jumped a bit, quite startled and looked up from my phone. It was Hongbin. Flustered, I looked down at my phone screen which displayed the words “Game Over” in bright letters. I turned it off and averted my attention back to Hongbin.

 

“Hello Hongbin-ssi…” I greeted him, bowing my head slightly. He peered over at my neck and let out a sigh of relief.

 

“I’m glad it didn’t scar you.”

 

He was talking about the coffee incident. I unconsciously brought my hand up to feel the area which had been burned.

 

“Yeah…” I murmured. I looked at his hands which were empty and at his bag, which didn’t seem so stuffed. I wondered where he had put all of his chocolates.

 

“Are you waiting for someone?” he asked, trying to make some conversation, I assumed.

 

“My brother,” I replied. I stuck my hands in my blazer pockets and remembered that I had one leftover chocolate. I usually made treats for my friends every year on Valentine’s Day, and I guess I happened to have one left. I ran my fingers over it, feeling it over and was relieved to find that it hadn’t melted in my pocket. I looked at Hongbin and contemplated long and hard about whether or not I should give him the chocolate.

 

“Have you received any chocolates?” he questioned, just as I came to a decision.

 

“Just from friends,” I replied. “You?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.

 

“What do you think?” he laughed, and I laughed along. I asked him what I had been wondering all this time.

 

“Where… did you put them all?”

 

He patted his stomach. “I ate them all.”

 

I gave him a disbelieving look. “S-Seriously?”

 

“Yup,” he nodded, smiling at my reaction. I suddenly felt like giving him my chocolate was a bad idea; he was probably sick of them.

 

…Ah well, screw it.

 

I pulled the neatly wrapped milk chocolate from my pocket and held it out in front of Hongbin, uncurling my fingers. He looked down at my hand and then at my face.

 

“For me?” he asked, the edges of his lips seemingly curving up in delight. Two dimples appeared; they were something I had never noticed about him before.

 

I nodded. “I had one leftover. I guess it’s also a thank you gift for helping me the other day.” I didn’t want him to misunderstand.

 

He graciously took the chocolate from my hand. “Do I deserve this?” There was a certain tone to his voice that made me realize that he was teasing me. I couldn’t help but smile at that.

 

“You do.”

 

 

 

I often wonder what would have happened to us if I hadn’t given him the chocolate.

 

It was around June when I started to see Hongbin in a different light. And it wasn’t just because of his face. I began to admire his friendliness and ability to adapt in all situations. He was someone that everyone wanted to be friends with (or perhaps girlfriends). He never judged anyone by their looks and always gave everyone a chance.

 

I don’t know when my admiration for him turned into love.

 

 

 

“ …Are you joining the photography club?”

 

I shot Hongbin an apologetic look.

 

“Sorry… Photography isn’t really my thing,” I shrugged. “I’m here to give something to my friend.”

 

“Ah, I understand,” he nodded thoughtfully. “Who’s your friend?”

 

“Yejin.”

 

“Ah, Yejin! Her photos are very… interesting!”

 

I was surprised that he knew her and even remembered what kind of photos she took, considering the amount of members in the club. I really liked that aspect of him; he wasn’t the type to leave anyone out.

I gave Yejin her notebook that I borrowed from her and was about to leave, when a very warm hand grabbed a hold of my arm.

 

I turned to meet eyes with Hongbin.

 

I felt something in my chest that I shouldn’t have.

 

“Yes? Is something wrong?” I asked. He released his grip.

 

“Oh… I just wanted to say goodbye,” he said as he rubbed his hands on his jeans. “Um, let’s talk again, yeah?”

 

 

 

And we did talk again. Two days after, in fact.

 

 

 

Trying to escape the heat that June brought with it, we sat under the same tree we were sitting under on Valentine’s Day. The white flowers that had covered the branches before had turned a lovely shade of pink.

 

“Something has been bugging me,” Hongbin stated. He was fiddling with his fingers.

 

“What is it?” I asked. I stared blankly ahead at the heat waves, wishing for a cool summer breeze to pass by.

 

“The time when I spilled coffee on you… you know how you said that you probably deserved that to happen to you? Would you mind if I asked you why you said that?”

 

Crap. No one has ever questioned me about that before.

 

“Um…” I mumbled, trying to think of a way to explain my thoughts. “This is kind of hard to explain.”

 

“I have a lot of time.”

 

“Well… I guess I just believe that I deserve every bad thing to happen to me and that I deserve every good thing that happens to me. It’s just how I was brought up, and I’ve just lived my whole life believing that fact. That’s all.”

 

“So, you’re a strong believer of karma, huh?” he noted, staring at me. I nodded in reply and looked away from him. I felt self-conscious when he stared at me. We lapsed into a period of silence, and I suddenly felt guilty. I felt guilty for letting the conversation end just like that and creating an awkward mood. I turned my head to look at him again, to find that he was still staring at me. I blinked and then craned my neck upwards, staring blankly at the pink flowers that covered the branches of the tree.

 

“You deserve all the things that make you happy,” Hongbin stated after a bit, which really caught me off guard. “That’s… just what I think though.”

 

If what he said was true, then I guess I deserved him more than anything.

 

“So I deserve to have cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and donuts?” I smiled, listing sweets that I loved.

 

“You do.”

 

I tore my eyes away from the flowers and then looked at him for the third time, but this time he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at a flower that had fallen from the tree into his hand.

 

We were silent again, and I watched as he pulled off each of the petals, one by one.

 

“Mari,” he spoke again when he pulled off the last petal. He looked up at me and studied my shy expression. “Do you mind if I call you that?”

 

“I don’t,” I bit my lip coyly. It was true. I really liked how he said my name. Those two simple syllables rolled off his tongue perfectly. I was so hopelessly in love with him. “I… can call you Hongbin, right?”

 

“Yes, of course!” he replied almost immediately. His face broke into a smile. It was hard to tear my eyes away from his dazzling smile. My heart fluttered at the sight of his two dimples. We just smiled each other for a bit until he pointed at a spot in my hair.

 

“A flower fell in your hair,” he pointed out. I ran my hands through my hair, but I somehow didn’t get it out. It was stupidly cliché.

 

“Here, I got it,” he giggled, leaning towards me. I felt his breath on my forehead and my eyes trailed up to his pink lips.

 

I wondered what they would feel like on mine.

 

 

 

Three weeks later, I discovered something awful—the school had cut down the tree in the front of the school during our two-week break. Apparently they were to build some sort of monument in its place. I thought that was stupid; the tree was better than any old monument. I was devastated.

 

I remembered how most of my memories with Hongbin were under that tree, and I felt disconsolate. The tree connected us, in a way. It was an unspoken meeting spot for us. I panicked slightly, wondering where we would find each other now—we had always each other under the tree.

 

How could they just cut the tree down? Without thinking of the students who shared blissful memories under it?

 

I tried to push that thought out of my mind; I felt selfish for thinking that, but it kept bugging me.

 

I stared at the empty plot of land. It looked so wrong. Even the bench was gone. There were some flowers and small branches scattered around.

 

A sigh left my lips.

 

“Why the pouty face?”

 

Hongbin.

 

Just from the sound of his voice, my heartbeat sped up and I felt shaky with happiness.

 

“They cut the tree down,” I stated, trying to keep my voice composed.

 

“Well, it deserved to be cut down!” he exclaimed.

 

“Wh-What?” I stared at him with a shocked expression.

 

“Just kidding,” a cheeky smile formed on his face. “Were you going to say that the tree doesn’t deserve that to happen to it?”

 

“Hongbin… what are you trying to say here?”

 

The pout returned to my lips.

 

“If you put yourself in the tree’s place, maybe you’ll understand. That sometimes bad things happen to you, and you don’t always deserve them!”

 

“This is diff—“

 

“It’s not different at all.”

 

He was right, but I didn’t want to admit it. I changed the topic.

 

“Isn’t there a meeting for your club today?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Th-Then what are you doing here, talking to me?”

 

He shrugged, very nonchalant about it.

 

“I wanted to talk to you for a bit.”

 

I wondered how he knew where I was. Was I that predictable?

 

“What about the members? They’re waiting for you, Hongbin.”

 

“It’s okay to be selfish sometimes…”

 

His voice was very soft, and his delicate words were carried away by the soft breeze.

 

“What do you mean by that?” I urged him to continue, but he suddenly became very shy.

 

“If you feel upset about the tree being cut down because you liked it, you should say so. If you felt that the world is treating you unfairly, you should say so. If you hate my guts for spilling coffee on you, then say so. I know you have some selfish thoughts, and I… want to see you express them.”

 

“You’re implying that I should stop thinking that I deserve all the bad things to happen to me again.”

 

“Sorry!”

 

“It’s okay, I understand. Maybe I should just take your advice…”

 

 His eyes seem to widen and he nodded in agreement.

 

“You should!”

 

“Well, if it’s selfish thoughts you want to hear, then… here they are,” I found myself speaking without thinking of the consequences. “I am very upset that they cut down the tree… How could they do that without asking the students?”

 

He nodded, smiling and listening intently to my words.

 

“Life isn’t fair, is it? I didn’t deserve to get a C on my math test. I didn’t deserve to get splashed with mud by a car passing by. I most certainly did not deserve dropping my breakfast this morning.”

 

“But the most selfish thought of all… I believe that I deserved to bump into you and get coffee all over my uniform.”

 

“…Huh?” he gave me a puzzled expression. I felt like my heart would just burst out of my chest at any moment. What was I saying? My mouth seemed to just run without my command.

 

“I look back at that moment not as the time some idiot ran into me, but as the moment that I met Lee Hongbin.”

 

I paused for a short moment and began to get a bit choked up when he didn’t reply. I thought I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

 

“Th-This is so selfish of me, I’m sorry… But I can’t help but get jealous when you smile at other girls, and I can’t help but feel down when you don’t notice me walking by. This… This is so dumb. It’s so stupid how I tried so hard to be selfless when really I was the most selfish of them all. I want you all to myself.”

 

I confessed to him. Without thinking, I confessed to him. My face was red—I was sure of it—and my legs felt like they were about to give out.

 

Still, he didn’t reply. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to go back in time and take back all my words.

 

I gathered all the courage I had left and looked at him. He seemed to be frozen, staring ahead at nothing in general.

 

His face was dark red.

 

“Hongbin….” My voice cracked, but I didn’t care anymore. “Hongbin, say something…. Anything. Please...”

 

Tears brimmed at my eyes.

 

“M-Mari,” his words came out all jumbled together; he was a stuttering mess. “I-I’m sorry; I feel so pathetic right now.”

 

I gulped, wondering what was going through his mind.

 

“I… I’m just so surprised. D-Do you really mean it? Do you really like me?”

 

“What do you think?” I flushed. Tears of embarrassment threatened to fall, and he saw them.

 

“W-Wait, I’m sorry Mari. Please don’t cry… I wouldn’t know what to do…”

 

“Hey…. Lee Hongbin,” I sniffled. “Are you going to reply to my confession or not?”

 

“S-Sorry,” he sputtered out.

 

“Idiot… quit apologizing!”

 

The tears finally fell from my eyes and slid down my cheeks. He cursed and searched frantically for a tissue, a handkerchief—anything.

 

Finally, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.

 

He smelled like flowers (something he probably wouldn’t be proud of). I imagined him in a meadow, taking pictures.

 

“Oh… Mari…. How could you fall for such a pathetic coward like me?”

 

He didn’t need to speak any more words for me to see that he felt the same. The way his arms held me close to him and his quick intakes of breath that tickled the back of my head were enough of a sign.

 

“Mari?” he spoke up after a long time.

 

“Yes?” I answered, voice muffled.

 

“Do I deserve you?”

 

“You do.”

A.N.
oh god i hope that was okay LOL
i tried my best... lol.. sorry theres like no actual plot lmao
i wasnt planning to post this but i was like yolo
this is my first time using a layout i hope
all turned out well haha
sighs hongbin is precious o man..
hes not even my vixx bias ;__; ken is...
BUT ITS HARD TO WRITE ABOUT KEN haha
i hope you liked this, whoever read this (prob no one)
thank you for reading &
have a nice day! :-)