From start to finish, don’t replace me

 

 

          The first few times, Kyung would laugh at him because whenever it happened, Yukwon would always stumble—trying to regain balance and barely able to not-fall-off, and all of that would just be embarrassing in general especially when Jaehyo also happens to be near and joins Kyung in laughing at him. The next few times after the first few times are after Jiho and Kyung have gotten their together, so they can’t laugh at Yukwon anymore (although not from lack of trying) because they know Yukwon will laugh at them right back when he gets the chance.

          By now, though, whenever Yukwon passes through the front hall with Jiho and Kyung after school, while Jiho and Kyung proceed to yank at Jaehyo’s nerves every which way possible, Yukwon lets himself be spun around by now-familiar arms, and barely has to think about balance and not-looking-stupid as he falls into and straddles Minhyuk’s lap in one go—lips meeting lips and hand gripping the back of Minhyuk’s neck.

          “Yah,” Kyung says, grinning, “yah.” And Minhyuk makes an irritated sound right into Yukwon’s mouth. “No one wants to see that.” Yukwon raises an eyebrow because Jiho has his fingers lightly hooked into one of Kyung’s belt loops.

          “ off,” Minhyuk says, arm snaking tighter around the arch of Yukwon’s back, hand gripping his waist.

          That just sets Jiho laughing into Kyung’s shoulder, and Kyung flips Minhyuk off as Jiho drags him away by the hips towards the courtyard with Jaehyo following suit, waving Minhyuk and Yukwon off with raised eyebrows and a clap to Minhyuk’s shoulder.

          Yukwon looks back down to the older boy. He already feels hands sliding up his shirt. “They’re going to have ,” he says, tilting his head towards the double doors that Jiho, Kyung and Jaehyo have just passed through.

          Minhyuk grins. “?”

          Yukwon laughs. “Jaehyo-hyung’s going to come back here in like five minutes,” he says with raised eyebrows.

          “Then I guess we should get something done before he does,” Minhyuk says, smiling, as Yukwon slides off of his lap and back onto his feet. The older boy also stands up, but his fingers remain firmly threaded through with Yukwon’s.

          The younger boy just laughs again and lets Minhyuk tug him towards the math hallway.

 

 

Don’t complain

 

 

          It’s just something comfortable.

          It’s like the aftermath of a hook-up, Kyung tells him—this is high school and it’s supposed to be this way (Jiho intrudes here, kicking Kyung off the sofa because he says that he’s the one responsible for Yukwon’s amazing situation right now since Kyung wasn’t even at the party) so if Minhyuk, the hot upperclassman, thinks Yukwon is y as and if Yukwon, the lowly first year, thinks Minhyuk is y as then by all means the two of them should just .

          Yukwon says that Kyung might just be overdoing it a little.

          Jiho says that’s the definition Park Kyung’s entire existence, remember?

          Kyung pulls Jiho off of the sofa to join him on the floor.

          Yukwon scurries out of the room when they start making out.

 

 

What if I go out late at night to play?

 

 

          It’s comfortable because Yukwon is a first year and Minhyuk is attractive and they aren’t each other’s only offers. Minhyuk has plenty of offers, has plenty of others, because he’s attractive and he’s easy to get along with and he’s a transfer so he already brings in attention with just that. Yukwon has plenty of offers because he’s always had plenty of offers—whether from girls or guys, he’s always had offers pouring in to the point where sometimes Jiho and Kyung end up throwing food at him because it gets irritating after a while to see Yukwon get yet another phone number from Random Hot Boy/Girl #14.

          They aren’t each other’s only offers, so it’s comfortable that they don’t have to refuse all of those offers. It’s just something that happens when they feel like it, and neither of them ever let it go too far because Minhyuk says that Yukwon’s first time should be with someone special and Yukwon doesn’t really care one way or the other so that’s that and it’s comfortable and good for now, good enough.

          But every now and again, something that confounds Yukwon will happen—something like Yukwon hanging out on an old playground late at night with Kyung and Jiho, and he’ll get a text and he’ll read it and it’ll be from Minhyuk and it’ll ask him where he is—it’ll ask him what he’s doing—it’ll ask him if he wants to meet up with Minhyuk maybe in the park near their school or something and it’ll all just really confuse Yukwon.

          He shows Kyung and Jiho the text.

          Jiho shrugs, exchanges glances with Kyung. “He’s probably ,” Jiho says.

          “Park at night?” Kyung says, amused. “I’m thinking behind a bush.”

          Yukwon tries to ignore Jiho eyeing the nearby bushes. “So—you guys think I should go?” he glances down at his phone again. “He usually only texts me at school.”

          “Yeah, but a guy doesn’t just get at school,” Jiho snorts, coming down the twisted slide and landing on the black rubber mat. He stands up and sits down on the swing next to the one Kyung is on. Yukwon stands in front of them, weight shifted onto one leg, and the hand that isn’t holding his phone deep in his pocket.

          Kyung kicks one foot forward, nudging Yukwon’s knee with the tip of his sneaker. “Yah—just go,” he says. “A ’s a , right?”

          A ’s a and a ’s a and making out is making out, but for some reason, when Yukwon sees Jiho reach over and sling an arm around Kyung’s neck so that their swings collide against each other and Kyung laughs, shoving the other boy off of the rubber seat—for some reason, Yukwon suddenly doesn’t want to see Minhyuk right now.

          Or rather—he still wants to see Minhyuk, but he isn’t quite feeling up to what Minhyuk probably wants right now.

 

 

Why do you keep being like that?

 

 

          “You’re not going?” Jiho asks, eyebrows raised, as Yukwon tucks his phone into the back pocket of his jeans without even replying to the text.

          Yukwon sits down on the last free swing—on Kyung’s other side. “Nah,” he says.

 

 

Don’t you believe me?

 

 

          They don’t get to see each other every day because obviously the difference in grade means they don’t have any classes together and their schedules barely let them cross paths for lunch and even then, usually, Minhyuk has to eat his lunch in classrooms to get lab work done. But they somehow find each other the Monday after that weekend night—Yukwon finds Minhyuk sitting where he always does talking with a few other second years in the halls after school.

          Minhyuk has one arm around the shoulders of a boy with three-tone blond hair, and another arm lightly around the waist of a boy with full lips and smiling eyes—and all the while, there’s one more boy perched on the edge of Minhyuk’s lap. They’re all second years, and Yukwon sees Jaehyo somewhere in the mix, too, and it’s obvious that they’re all focused and grinning at whatever story Minhyuk is telling.

 

 

Your pretty little words

 

 

          There’s this split moment though—when Minhyuk glances up and meets Yukwon’s eyes, and then suddenly the older boy is taking his arms off of the others, slipping away from the other second years (they all stare for just a second before laughing and going on without him). He steps up towards Yukwon, hands on the first year’s hips, and spinning him around the corner—away—up against the cold stone of a nearby pillar.

          “What happened on Saturday?” are the first words that come out of Minhyuk’s mouth, a frown on his face and Yukwon doesn’t meet his eyes.

          The younger boy shrugs. “I was out,” he says. “I guess I didn’t hear my phone.”

          Minhyuk’s frown disappears then and Yukwon doesn’t know why his stomach suddenly feels like it’s resting somewhere level with his ankles when he sees how easily Minhyuk’s concern ends. He knows it should be a good thing—that this is what keeps whatever-is-between-them so comfortable, that Minhyuk doesn’t have any reason to care anyway beyond the fact that he went Saturday /-less (which is probably debatable anyway since Minhyuk has plenty of offers waiting in the wings, as demonstrated just seconds ago with the multiple boys hanging off of him).

          “Oh,” Minhyuk says, “okay, then,” and he smiles that perfect, crooked smile that makes everything always all right and confuses the out of Yukwon at the same time.

          Yukwon taps Minhyuk’s cheek playfully and tips his head back towards the other second year boys. “You should head back,” he says and offers a returning smile. “They’re probably missing you already—y’know—what would they do without their great, amazing, Lee Minhyuk?” he teases.

          Minhyuk’s smile broadens, tugging Yukwon closer until their bodies are pressed together with the younger boy’s hands resting lightly on the second year’s chest. “They’ll live,” he says lightly, fingertips dancing up and down Yukwon’s sides. He rolls his eyes. “Jonghyunnie’s getting annoying, anyway,” he says in a mock whisper that makes Yukwon laugh, “so ing loud.”

          Yukwon raises his eyebrows playfully, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. He brings his arms up and rests them on Minhyuk’s shoulders. “Which one is he?”

          “The blond one.”

          “Mm,” Yukwon grins. “He’s hot.”

          Minhyuk opens his mouth incredulously. “Yah—don’t get any ideas,” he says.

          Yukwon just continues to grin. “Why not? Every first year wants a hot as upperclassman to fool around with.”

          “Then what am I, Kim Yukwon?” Minhyuk asks, shaking Yukwon playfully, and Yukwon laughs again, leaning forward to rest his head against the older boy’s shoulder.

 

 

When you smile politely

 

 

          So then Minhyuk will lead Yukwon away—he’ll take Yukwon away after he has the younger boy laughing and smiling and distracted—and they’ll do what they always do in the bathroom, in stalls, sometimes in empty classrooms, sometimes behind sets of lockers, sometimes outside and hidden in the courtyard walls.

They’ll do what they always do with Yukwon panting and flushed, fingertips digging into Minhyuk’s chest, gripping onto Minhyuk’s shirt. They’ll do what they always do with Minhyuk smiling his crooked smile against Yukwon’s cheek as his hands make quick work inside of Yukwon’s boxers (both front and back), jacking and all at once. They’ll do what they always do, then, with Yukwon’s lips around Minhyuk’s and the older boy’s head leaning back limply against the cold, bathroom stall.

And after they finish what they always do, Minhyuk will always kiss Yukwon neatly on the lips (while the first year is still disheveled and huffing and puffing on the floor), ruffle his hair, and then he’ll leave. Minhyuk will leave and the next time Yukwon passes him (after he’s cleaned himself up), the second year will be back with his friends—flirting with a boy under either arm and one in his lap.

 

 

What if I laugh sometimes when I’m depressed?

 

 

          Yukwon flirts too.

He can’t say he doesn’t. He can’t say that he doesn’t also sometimes leave Minhyuk breathless (and pants-less) inside a bathroom stall, while the younger boy heads for the cafeteria and plops down in the lap of the first upperclassman that pulls him in. Yukwon knows that he’s just as wanted as Minhyuk, if not more because of how he’s younger but he doesn’t really feel younger so he’s a dongsaeng and not at the same time.

Yukwon flirts too, that much can’t really be denied one way or the other. He flirts around, fools around, and it’s not always Minhyuk’s hands that are undoing the first year’s belt behind bathroom stalls or at parties. He’s used to it, he expected it (coming to high school, that is) and it’s neither here nor there for him because he’s always heard that he’s cute (when he was younger) and hot (nowadays) and Jiho and Kyung are never bothered by it (they just throw food at him sometimes), so it’s just fun for him. It’s simple and comfortable and easy and it’s not like it could get him arrested or makes his grades fall.

He knows he flirts around too (possibly worse than Minhyuk does), but he can’t help but feel that when he just sees Minhyuk’s arm around other boys (that are probably completely straight and just the second year’s friend), it bothers him a lot more than it seems to bother Minhyuk when Yukwon is kissing another boy.

 

 

What if I suddenly don’t like you?

 

 

          It’s inevitable, of course, that with the relationship (relationship?) Yukwon has with Minhyuk, there’s lots and lots of teasing about crushes and ooh, you like him? and just call him oppa for ’s sake and most of it comes from Kyung, a great deal of it comes from Jiho (aiding and abetting Kyung), while a decent amount of it also stems from Jaehyo, and whenever Yukwon is with Jiho and Kyung at the old playground, Jihoon also sometimes comes around to poke fun at the whole thing even though Jihoon doesn’t even know Minhyuk yet.

          They all about it and he doesn’t mind, smiling and laughing it off because none of them mean any harm by it and he knows that. They think it’s funny and he thinks it’s funny and nothing’s wrong with it because he knows that they know and they know that he knows that while Yukwon likes Minhyuk, Yukwon doesn’t like-like Minhyuk. They’ve all known each other (with the exception of Jihoon, since he’s a year younger) since they first stepped their tiny feet into the wide, kindergarten classroom (that doesn’t seem so wide anymore) and they all know the way Yukwon’s been since then.

          He’s glad that he has them because if he ever tries to explain to anyone else (except for Minhyuk and Jaehyo) how it is, they either think he’s crazy or he’s a or he’s a crazy . Hardly anyone he tries to explain it to seems to understand that it’s just for fun because Yukwon’s attractive (that part, no one denies) and he’s always been attractive (that part, a few question but they still don’t deny) and if everyone wants him (no denials here either) it’s just easier not to have to stick with one person.

          At least, for now.

          Kyung snorts. “For now?” he echoes when Yukwon decides to make this speech to him and Jiho one day while they’re waiting at the playground for Jihoon (since the middle school finishes a bit later than the high school does).

          Yukwon blinks. Nods.

          “I feel,” Jiho says, reaching over and stealing a few chips from Kyung, “that this is like that moment where karma’s watching you and laughing its off because it’s going to kick you in the balls pretty soon.”

          Yukwon grins. “Okay, then.”

          Kyung taps Jiho repeatedly on the shoulder, shaking his head vigorously and grinning right back at Yukwon. “Nah—this is like that ironic moment where you realize you’re madly in love with Minhyuk-hyung.”

          The grin turns into an outright laugh.

 

 

There ain’t better than me, for you

 

 

          Yukwon’s entertained the idea of liking Minhyuk—of like-liking Minhyuk.

          He’s thought about it plenty of times and most of those times, he’s almost convinced himself that he actually does. He almost convinces himself when he thinks about it and when he feels something hot and irritable bubbling in the pit of his stomach whenever he sees Minhyuk’s arms around other boys (and sometimes girls) because he’s not stupid and he knows that’s jealousy.

          Yukwon probably could have fairly easily convinced himself, realized for himself, that he like-likes Minhyuk. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to like-like Minhyuk or that he has a problem with it. He doesn’t. It’s just—that—well—he knows he doesn’t. He’s more than 100% sure at this point that he doesn’t because even though he isn’t all that fond of Minhyuk draped over other boys, Yukwon’s tried again and again to imagine himself only ever able to be with Minhyuk and that image makes him nothing but uncomfortable and unhappy.

          As great as Minhyuk is, as perfect as Minhyuk might be (as ing hot as Minhyuk is), he’s still not Yukwon’s only offer. Yukwon likes everything about Minhyuk, but Yukwon doesn’t really want it to be only Minhyuk because the younger boy still has that second year with the taut abs or that third year with the long, wet tongue or that first year who’s an amazing kisser or that third year who’s fingertips can make Yukwon pant and huff after only a few seconds.

          Yukwon likes his fair share of qualities here and there and there and here, but in the end, he still honestly does like Minhyuk best. And he knows Minhyuk likes him the best. Minhyuk is Yukwon’s favorite—he’s just not Yukwon’s only.

          At least, for now.

 

 

Hey, boy—don’t wish for more of me

 

 

          Yukwon usually finds it irritating—intensely irritating—when one of his many offers seems to think he’s elevated above the rest and continues to contact Yukwon outside of school, cutting into the time Yukwon spends with Jiho and Kyung and Jihoon. He normally finds it irritating, but when he sees a text pop up or a call ring on his phone and the name is Lee Minhyuk, it doesn’t really bother him. He never really responds or picks up (he rarely, rarely ever does—maybe once every eight calls and once every twenty texts) but it doesn’t bother him—doesn’t irritate him.

          Instead of irritation, there’s an odd feeling of satisfaction that lodges itself in the pit of his stomach and he doesn’t really know why, but he supposes that a part of it is because Minhyuk is texting and calling him and not one of the older boys’ many-many-many-older-and-ridiculously-attractive-acquaintances. He sometimes has to remind himself actively that it’s not like he knows the complete activity of Minhyuk’s cell phone. He reminds himself that Minhyuk probably does call and text the others in between calling and texting Yukwon (and that the others probably actually pick up and respond).

 

 

Your heart lies are like bubbles

 

 

          He knows it’s going to end, at one point or another. He knows that something like this can’t possibly last forever and won’t last very long at all. Minhyuk, at some point, will either find a new favorite better than Yukwon or Minhyuk will get tired of having other offers and settle down to actually date one of these offers which obviously leaves no more room for Yukwon.

          It could end with Minhyuk or it could end with Yukwon the exact same way—he likes all of his offers now and he likes Minhyuk as his favorite, but he never knows what’ll happen and one day it might all pop like the fragile bubble it is. Yukwon might find an offer he likes better and best and only and want to end it all (because he never wants to admit it, but he’s jealous of what Jiho and Kyung have)—he might want to turn all the offers down once and for all and try that dating thing.

          One way or another, it could end with either one of them at any given time or point, but until then—until that day or that moment, whenever it comes, Yukwon still likes it best when Minhyuk pulls him backwards and down into his lap because by now, the younger boy knows exactly how to balance himself and he knows that Minhyuk still likes tugging Yukwon into the nearest empty hallway with Kyung and Jiho and Jaehyo catcalling and whistling after them.