“Hey babe, what’s for breakfast?”

A voice whispered into the small boy’s ear. He could feel the corners of his lips slowly tug up into a sweet smile. The sound of rain clashing against their bedroom window soon replaced the sweet voice that hummed into his ear only moments earlier, his smile fading along with the voice.

Prying his eyes open, all Kyungsoo wanted to do was turn around and hide under his blankets for the rest of his life. It had been a week already. Since that day, his life stopped. Kyungsoo didn’t have the strength to get up out of his bed in the morning anymore. And, honestly, he could no longer find a reason to. Everything was over. He was no longer the happy, smiling soul he used to be. Instead, in a way, he wanted his life to end.

Throwing the blankets to the side, Kyungsoo heaved a heavy sigh and sat up in the queen sized bed. He watched as the rain continued to splash against the window, slowly trickling down until it was out of sight; only to be replaced with new raindrops that followed their lead. They all disappeared sooner or later. A sad smile formed as he realized that the storm outside was harmless compared to the one going on inside of him right now.

“Wae?” Kyungsoo mumbled to himself, his gaze never leaving the window.

He could feel a tear make its way down his cheek, the same way the rain fell from his window. Kyungsoo didn’t bother to wipe them away anymore. He had gotten used to them by now. He sniffed as he thought about that day. How he could have done something, anything to maybe...maybe…

He could feel his mind slowly drifting, his thoughts finally taking over.

Why didn’t I stop you? I should have said something...anything to make you stay here with me...but I didn’t. It’s all my fault. Everything is my fault. You’re so hardheaded, though. Even if I would have said something, you still would have left. You’re just so stupid! Why don’t you realize that...I can’t and never will be able to do this without you? You took my smile and my heart and left me with nothing. Do you have any clue how hard it is to deal with all of this?

Kyungsoo slowly stood and dragged himself down the stairs, holding onto the railing for support. He was weak. He wanted to give up, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to go on.

He sighed as he stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking out onto the house he once shared with his true love. Kyungsoo’s head shot up, bringing him back out of his thoughts as a figure passed him. Was he imagining things now?

“Don’t just stand there. Come here.”

Kyungsoo blinked a few times, rubbing his red eyes as he watched closely as the figure sat down on the couch. He hesitated and, for a moment, he was happy that he did. It didn’t take long before a smaller figure grumbled and walked over to the first one.

“You’re so stupid, you know that?”

“Yah, that’s not nice. Now, stop playing the bad boy. That’s my job.”

Kyungsoo could feel tears pouring down his cheeks as the first male threw his arm around the smaller figure and pulled him in close, placing a small kiss on top of his head.

It was only his imagination, playing the events in the back of his mind. It hurt seeing the two of them sitting there cuddled up under a blanket, happy. Truly happy. The smiles on their faces were genuine, unlike the ones he had been faking, just to get himself going in the morning.

“Where the hell are you now, Jongin? I need you….I can’t do this anymore,” Kyungsoo stumbled over his words. Everything in his mind started to replay. He could see it all so clearly. He could see Jongin walking through the house, as if nothing ever happened.

“Hey, Squishy, what’s for lunch?”

“Jongin! You just got done eating! You can’t still be hungry!”  Kyungsoo protested from the couch as he watched Jongin rummage through the refrigerator.

“Bottomless pit,” Kyungsoo mumbled.

“You’re reading a book?”

“Ne. It’s interesting. Unlike your video games,” Kyungsoo replied, never lifting his head from the book.

Jongin snuck up beside him and peeked over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, silently reading along.

“Huh, you’re right, it is pretty interesting.”

“Told ya so,” Kyungsoo smiled sadly.

“Hey, Soo, guess what today is!”  Jongin exclaimed to the older boy with a grin that spread from one ear to the other.

Kyungsoo knew the answer but decided to play dumb. “I don’t know. Am I supposed to?”

The younger boy stood there, his smile faded and a blank expression replaced it.

“No...I guess not,” Jongin answered in a sad tone, walking away and up the stairs.

Kyungsoo grinned and calmly reached for his phone, texting as fast as he could manage without making any spelling mistakes.

Hours passed and the doorbell rang.

“Jongin! Will you get that please?”  Kyungsoo yelled from the kitchen. The younger boy didn’t question, but instead did as he was told.

“Ne,” Jongin mumbled, in the same sad tone as earlier as he started to unlock the front door.

“SURPRISE!” 10 voices yelled as the door flung open.

Tackled by hugs, Jongin could do nothing but blink.

“But-”

“Kyungsoo texted us. How about we get this party started?!” Baekhyun yelled, even more excited than Jongin.

Jongin smiled and turned toward the boy standing in the kitchen.  “You lied,” he stated calmly.

Kyungsoo shrugged, a smile crossing his own face.

“How could I ever forget your birthday?” he questioned the younger boy, joining Jongin’s side in the crowd.

Jongin wrapped his arms around the older’s waist and pulled him in close, “That’s not nice.”

“Who ever said I was nice?” Kyungsoo questioned.

Jongin smirked as he cupped Kyungsoo’s chin, pulling the older boy up and placing his lips on top of Kyungsoo’s. Kyungsoo smiled into the kiss as he could hear small awws and snickers coming from the group behind them.

Pulling away, Kyungsoo grinned. “Save the rest for tonight,” he tried to whisper.

“That’s too much information! We didn’t need to know what you two do at night!” Kris fussed while the others nodded in agreement.

Jongin smirked at them. “Oh, why do you want to know? I’ll gladly tell you. See, once we get upstairs-”

“Lalalalala!! I can’t hear you!” Suho started as he put his hands over his ears before walking through the crowd of people and into the living room.

The crew watched and burst out laughing at their friend, who was obviously not comfortable talking about what happens behind closed doors.

“How could I ever forget your birthday? I still can’t believe you almost told them….Idiot.”

Kyungsoo smiled and cried at the same time as he watched the figures roaming through his house, figures that weren’t really there; especially Jongin and the small happy one that looked like himself. Kyungsoo was no longer happy, he just couldn’t be. His heart had broken into a million pieces and no one would ever be able to glue it back together.

“Jongin...I miss you. Every time I worried about something too much, you would kiss my forehead and tell me everything would be fine. When I couldn't sleep at night, you would pull me in tight and smile. Whenever I got frustrated about what to cook, you'd say it wouldn't matter because everything I make is good.

“Whenever I cried....you would wipe my tears away and tell me to smile because you loved it so much. Where are you now when I need you the most? I can't do this without you. I miss your goodmorning and good night kisses. Your hugs and smiles. Everything about you I miss," Kyungsoo mumbled through his tears as he covered his eyes with his hands and sat down on the stairs. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had to do something, and fast.

Kyungsoo’s head shot up as the doorbell rang and the figures disappeared. Every last one of them. He was happy they were gone, but in a small way, he wished Jongin’s would have stayed. He could feel his heart pounding in his head, and his cheeks and forehead were now warm from all of the crying but Kyungsoo didn’t care.

The doorbell rang three times before Kyungsoo heard a small click, signaling someone had unlocked it. There weren’t many people that had a key to his house, so he didn’t question who it was. One of their best friends came by regularly to check on Kyungsoo to see if he was okay or needed anything.

“Kyungsoo! It’s me, Xiumin, are you okay?” Xiumin yelled as he stepped through the front door of the small boy’s house, making sure to take his shoes off at the door.

Walking through the building, Xiumin’s eyes widened when he found Kyungsoo sitting on the steps, sobbing. With puffy, bloodshot eyes, the small boy looked miserable. Completely destroyed, as if Kyungsoo had just lost his best friend. Unfortunately, in his case he had.

“Kyungsoo…” Xiumin mumbled, saddened at the sight before him.

Xiumin made his way over to the other boy and sat next to him on the staircase. Kyungsoo didn’t look up. He turned his gaze to the floor, watching as his tears hit the ground. The ones that didn’t simply rolled down Kyungsoo’s face, the taste reminding him of salt.

“I can’t do this anymore. I just….I just can’t,” Kyungsoo mumbled under his breath as he slowly shook his head. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

Xiumin watched, worried that Kyungsoo would one day drive himself to some sort of self-destruction. Carefully placing his arm around the smaller boy’s shoulder, Xiumin pulled him into a hug.

“Yes, you can. Jongin wouldn’t want you to give up so easily. You are so strong, Kyungsoo. Believe me. You can get over this.”

Kyungsoo shook his head furiously as more tears poured down his cheeks. By now, his sobbing completely tuned out the sound of the rain hitting the roof. He knew it was still raining, but Kyungsoo could no longer hear any of it. His storm was bigger, stronger, deadlier.

“No, I can’t. You don’t understand. I loved him...no...love him. I still love him. He’s gone and he’ll never come back, and I still love him. I can’t stop, either. I can’t bring myself to not love him, Xiumin. My life without him is worse than I had ever imagined. I can’t do this. I...I can’t….I don’t want to anymore either….I just really don’t want to.”

“Don’t say that! What would Jongin think if he would could hear you right now?”

Kyungsoo jumped up from his seat as rage took over, along with even more tears.

“You’re worried about what he would think? Who cares what he would think?! He never listened to me! Not even in the end! Not once did he care about what I said! Not once….so who cares what he thinks of me?! I don’t….he never did...never. That’s exactly why he’s gone now! He was an idiot,” Kyungsoo yelled as loudly as his hoarse voice would let him.

Xiumin looked up at his friend, tears now forming in his own eyes. Standing up, Xiumin walked over to Kyungsoo and threw his arms around the boy, hugging him tightly and letting his own tears fall, never bothering to wipe them away.

“I know you miss him. I know you don’t mean any of that. But, Kyungsoo, please, you’re going to end up killing yourself if you keep this up. He wouldn’t want you dead, too.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened at his friend’s words as he wrapped his arms around the older boy.

‘Dead, too…..’

~*~

One Week Earlier

“Soo! I’m going out for a little ride. Wanna come?” Jongin yelled from upstairs.

Kyungsoo furrowed his brows as he turned his gaze from his new book to the window. It had been raining all day and it was rather late now.

“A ride? On your motorcycle? Now? Do you have any clue how slippery the roads are? And knowing you, you won’t be going speed limit either,” he yelled back.

Jongin smiled as he made his way down the steps with his helmet. “I’ll take that as a no then.”

Do nodded, “And neither should you. Stay here. I’ll cook you something nice, and we can turn it into a nice romantic dinner. Please?”

Jongin leaned over the back of the couch and kissed the smaller boy lightly.

‘If I would have known that was the last time I’d ever get to feel the warmth of your lips, I would have never stopped kissing you.’

“Just...please, be careful.”

Slowly, seconds turned to minutes, minutes into hours, and Kyungsoo got tired of waiting for his partner to come home. He wasn’t too worried. It wasn’t the first time Jongin ended up going for a ride and didn’t come home. Usually he would go over to one of their friend’s house and hang out for hours.

Kyungsoo closed his book, making sure to fold the corner of the edge, and laid it on the coffee table. Stretching and yawning, he made his way up the stairs, crawling into his bed and under the covers.

The sun shining through his window woke Kyungsoo up the next morning, or was it the ringing of the doorbell? He couldn’t remember. Either way, he sat up and walked down the stairs, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Kyungsoo unlocked the front door was greeted by a tall man in uniform.

“Good morning, sir. I’m very sorry to disturb you this early in the morning. I am looking for a Do Kyungsoo?” the man questioned in a deep tone that matched his stature perfectly.

“That’s me. Why? How can I help you?”

The man’s expression changed in the split second it took to remove his hat.

“May I come in? It would be better if you sat down for this. We have some bad news about your partner, Kim Jongin.”

~*~

Xiumin let go of the boy and Kyungsoo collapsed to his knees. Xiumin knelt down beside him as Kyungsoo covered his eyes with his hands. His tears fell like Niagra Falls.

Why couldn’t you just stay home, Jongin? Why couldn’t you just listen to me? You’d still be alive, right here next to me, and I could smile again. Really smile, not fake smile….Why?

Kyungsoo sat there silently. His sobbing stopped as he felt someone hugging him from behind. Kyungsoo knew it wasn’t Xiumin. The older boy was sitting in front of him, holding his hands tightly in his lap.

The hug felt warm, loving, and caring. Kyungsoo knew this feeling and a small smile crossed his face as a voice joined the familiar hug.

“Just smile Soo, I’m watching over you.”