It was a vague memory but definitely there, the ghost of Yifan’s face floating in and out of KyungSoo’s memories. KyungSoo was trying very hard to keep afloat, to keep himself above the surface of the sea of depression and to keep breathing. He knows his falling in and he knows it’s not good. He noticed the thoughts of “I’m too fat” and “I’m not working hard enough” and “I’ll never be someone” swirling in his head and he makes an effort to stop. But it does not work, because somewhere along the way he forgot how to think positive thoughts, how to see the beautiful side of the world and to appreciate the simplest of things. How could he when all he does is to compare them to him? How can he when all he thinks off in those small spaces of time originally dedicated to relaxing becomes moments he tell himself “You’re wasting your time, you could have done something productive.”

Yifan was there, Yifan remembers, a distinct memory he can never let go. Yifan was there when KyungSoo used to be happy. KyungSoo taught him how to look to the trees, how the trees will forever be green and will always be there to greet you when nobody is around. He taught Yifan how to look at his reflection in the mirror and smile, because his smile was the most the most beautiful. But KyungSoo also taught Yifan that he was an addict to his emotions. Yifan learned that Kyungsoo works in cycles, that KyungSoo would be happy, then he would let himself fall into grieve, the allure of his own heart hurting a bitter sweet addiction. He learned that KyungSoo knew, that he was aware but he still let go.

Yifan loves KyungSoo, he finds out, when Kyungsoo was in his happy phase. Yifan would stare at KyungSoo as he balanced on the edge of the curb, hands in his pocket, humming a cheery song as the sun beats down the pavement. He would stare at KyungSoo’s heart shaped lips that were turn upwards in the corner, doe eyes becoming crescent as KyungSoo turn to look at him, his own face moving automatically to reciprocate the smile. It was those moments that Yifan cherish the most, because it was the moments that KyungSoo remembered Yifan, remembered that there’s a world to be happy about.

Yifan loves KyungSoo, he finds out, when Kyungsoo was in his sad phase. Yifan would stare as Kyungsoo becomes absorb in his own world of thought, at the eyes that stopped wandering, at the shrinking body. He would stare as KyungSoo stared at the ground, legs moving systematically and heavily as if it weight a million pounds. He would walk with KyungSoo, hoping that his presence would be noticed; that his presence could do anything to help KyungSoo from drowning. It was those moments that Yifan detested, periods where KyungSoo’s emotions stole KyungSoo from Yifan, phases where Yifan feels unbearably lonely.

Yifan will not leave KyungSoo, he finds out, when he finished observing one of KyungSoo’s cycles. Yifan realised that KyungSoo was broken, a soul hurting for a prolonged period of time. A broken family, unexpected trauma, all of which KyungSoo blamed himself for causing when it was not his fault at all. It was at that moment Yifan understood that KyungSoo smiled to forget about his baggage for a while. KyungSoo smiled so that others would not worry, will not ask him what’s wrong. Yifan understood that KyungSoo becomes depressed when he could not keep up with his façade any longer, when he cannot pretend anymore and just let it all wash over him.

Yifan has to save KyungSoo, he finds out, when KyungSoo weeped into his chest, sobbing about how he could not take it anymore. Yifan had opened the room door to a hyperventilating KyungSoo during one of his down periods. Yifan had noticed how his phases were exacerbating as KyungSoo was showing more volatile reactions. Yifan’s heart broke as KyungSoo cried to him about how hard it all was, how hard the task of surviving the rollercoaster that was his life was. It was at that moment that Yifan finally realised that maybe KyungSoo has fallen in too deep, that Kyungsoo did not want to succumb to his own emotions but rather, it was his own emotions that was drowning KyungSoo.

KyungSoo is destroying Yifan, he finds out, when Yifan looked at KyungSoo with a tear-stained face, eyes emptied of hope. KyungSoo thinks that it’s his fault for putting Yifan through all his problems, for ignoring Yifan, for letting Yifan go to many times, only to find him again. But KyungSoo also realised that he needs Yifan. Yifan was his soulmate, the only person that is willing to put up with him. It was at that moment that KyungSoo decides that he will do anything to love Yifan, to keep Yifan, to save Yifan. Because Yifan was like him and he was like Yifan.

KyungSoo tries his best to remember, not how to be happy, but that his not alone, that he has Yifan. He tries his best to remember how to share his problems, that he was not a burden, that Yifan genuinely cares. Kyung Soo tries to remember to be a little more selfish because it’s Yifan, and Yifan does not mind if KyungSoo depended on him.

Most importantly, KyungSoo tries his best to remember that Yifan loves him, and he loves Yifan.

Yifan tries his best to remember, not how to be happy, but that his not alone, that KyungSoo needs him. He tries to remember how to listen to KyungSoo, that KyungSoo is trying too, that KyungSoo is learning to heal. He tries to be a little more selfless because it’s KyungSoo, and KyungSoo needs someone that he can be selfish around, and that someone was him.

Most importantly, Yifan tries his best to remember that KyungSoo loves him, and he loves KyungSoo.

A/N

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-Gillian