Yongguk's P.O.V

The soft patter of the rain sounded too loud in my state of paranoia.

"Guk ah~ Gukkie, hubby?" Himchan follows me around like a lost puppy like he always does these days.

I got angry again, "Stop bothering me!" I slapped his dainty fingers when he placed them on my cheeks. "Go away, go away, go away! I just want you to stop following me around, is that too much to ask?"

Grabbing my coat furiously, I stomped out of our shared house, slamming the door on the way. The cherry blossoms bloomed cheerfully, the flowers my lover loved. I took a step, two, three... four... five... I broke down and cried before I could actually get anywhere. It happened too much nowadays, I realised, the vicious cycle of getting angry, leaving my house, and crying hopelessly. Passers-by gave me weird looks like they had never seen a grown man plopping himself down beside a garbage can, crying his eyes out. They probably hadn't, I snickered. Cursing at the happy couples that strolled by, I watched my sixth cancer stick slowly died out. A single sakura falls from the tree.

Slowly, I walked back home because I did not want my lover to stay up late waiting for me. At the door, he animatedly greeted me.

"Himchan", I studied him abit too long for my good. The beautiful outline of his jaw, twinkling eyes, rosy lips, perfection in human form. He took my coat gladly and made me hot cocoa with colourful marshmallows. Something inside me broke into half. Then, we slept close together yet never touching, on the bed we bought for our wedding.

Next morning, I woke up to an empty bed. The spot beside me cold as if no one had occupy it the night before. Gripping the white sheets a little too tight, I paid no mind as a disfigured bloody rose bloomed on the sheets. I reassured myself that Himchan was here and lethargically dragged my body off the bed to meet him. There he was, humming a soft melody as he set the table energetically, the frills on his baby pink floral-print apron swaying slightly every now and then. It was the same, before and now, I told myself. Nothing had changed and nothing ever would.

When I arrived at work, Daehyun, my manager and my best friend eyed me worriedly.

"You should rest." I  did not heed his advice and went to my seat, filing the paper work neatly. "I am worried, everyone is. You have been talking to..thin air nowadays." 

"I am okay",I said, more to myself then to him.

"You are not!" That bastard had the nerve to shout at me.

"I am okay,for god's sake! If I say, I am then I AM!" My colleagues gawked. I told them to mind their own goddamned business.

"Youngguk, Himchan is alread-" Youngjae, Daehyun's boyfriend, tried to put his two cents in. I was not going to let him.

"Himchan is here!" I pointed at my lover, looking around my workplace like a child at a candy store.

I pushed them away, Himchan was here with me and he would be  for a long time. From my desk, I heard hushed whispers about the accident and I pretended like they were not talking about me. Unconsciously, I tugged my left sleeve to cover up the burn scars.

"Guk ah, it's lunch time" "Guk?" Himchan pouted adorably to get my attention, something that I could not resist from 10 years ago, when I first met him, till now. However, something felt out of place and I self consciously clenched my fists, trying to hold onto something that was no longer there.

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After work, I decided to take along drive to cool my nerves. It was relaxing and I thought I could get away from everything. The nosy people talking about the accident, those who were pitying me, I wanted to get far from them. Smiling fondly, I watched the city lights swirled into iridescent colourful blobs. I felt something other than anger and grief in a long time.

"Guk ah," Himchan started. The peace was shattered and I furrrowed my brows though not in annoyance. Sealing my lips into a thin line, I watched my lover talk animatedly about something I could not catch. I looked but I did not see. I heard but I did not listen as I admired his beauty, beatific, unlined face with curious, rich brown eyes, adorable button nose with pouty, cherry lips sculpt beautifully. Himchan obiviously did not know what was going on and I wondered when to tell him. I bit my lips until I tasted sickening copper. Steel clamps of shame gripping my chest hard, I slammed on the brakes. Due to the abruptness of it, my car swerved dangerously. My company gaped, eyes wide in fear when the car jerked to a stop. No longer trying to muffle my sobs, I cried my heart out, banging my head against the steering wheel numerous times. From the corner of my eyes, I saw my pale faced lover shaking in fright as the occasional honks resounded in the serene night.

I drove back home, random hot tear drops blurring the forest into shades of green but I made no attempt to dry them off. That night, I dreamt of the accident. Himchan cruelly crushed under my red ferrari, saying his last words.

"I love you, Guk." My lover died under the stars, while I lived with ugly scars on my hands and heart. However, the sky was starless in my dreams and I foolishedly questioned if my lover took the stars with him to play.

I woke up, screaming at the top of my lungs and sweating bullets.

"I love you, Guk", Himchan holds me tight and I let him, wetting his shirt with my tears. I realised it was time to let him go.

"I love you,too", the words came out too raspy and tired but I was glad I could say them.

When I woke up again, I smelled freshly brewed coffee. It was black, the way I liked it. Hugging my lover for the first time since the accident, I said the words of destruction.

"I have something to show you." The bitterness of the Italian roast was nothing compared to the aftertaste of the words. I simpered.

Himchan beamed as I intertwined my calloused digits with his smooth ones. We stayed like that the  whole journey.

However, the inevitable had to come. It was really time to let go. Taking a deep breath, I led my lover through rows and rows of tombstones, occasionally passing by the mourners. Himchan grasped onto my hand tightly and flashed a naive smile at me. Soon, we reached that one particular tombstone, brushing away the dust and placing a bouquet of pink carnations.

"Who is that?" Himchan asked uncertainly.

"Kim Himchan," I read the name on the tombstone.

"Kim Him...Chan..," he repeats.

"Happy birthday, Himchan. It has been two weeks since your death. I know you are not here anymore but I really didn't want to let you go. I have to now. I will wear these scars proudly, those will remind me how I did my best to save us. It's a shame that I didn't succeed but I shouldn't torture myself and you

anymore. Watch me from heaven, Himchan and be happy. I will try to as well. I love you and I always will."

I gave him a peck on his soft, warm lips. It felt too real like he was not just a figment of my imagination. However, I knew it was the best for both of us and the others if I stopped my hallucination. 

"I love you, Guk." The way he said sounded final, it was.

"I love you, too." This time, I replied with no hesitation.

When I left, Himchan did not follow.