He was five when he was first introduced to Lu Han.

Lu Han was sitting on their living room with his parents. Sehun thought he was a girl dressed in boy’s clothes and with hair cropped short. He clutched his teddy bear and stared at the Chinese boy, marveling at his doe eyes.

Lu Han stood up and bowed to him. “Hello,” he said in awkward Korean.

Sehun bowed and said, “Hello, I’m Sehun.”

The other kid burst into laughter, embarrassing him. He knew that it was because of his lisp. He immediately ran away. He accidentally dropped his toy, but he didn’t want to turn back and get it. He locked himself inside his room.

He went to his bed and covered himself with his blanket.

A few minutes later, his mother knocked on his door. “Sehun, dear, open the door.”

“I don’t want to!” His voice was muffled because of the blanket.

“Sehun, we have guests,” his mother said, with a hint of sternness in her voice.

Still, he refused.

His mother knew how stubborn he could be. She heaved a heavy sigh and left.

He uncovered himself and sniffed. “I hate that girl. She’s mean and she’s not even pretty.”

He heard some soft knocks. “Sehunnie.” He froze when he realized that it was the girl from earlier. He wondered why Lu Han didn’t have such a girly voice.

“What do you want?” he shouted, as menacing as he could.

“Can you open the door, please?” Lu Han’s Korean was broken, but it was still understandable.

“No!”

“I have your toy.”

Sehun’s eyes widened and he left his bed. He opened the door and grabbed the toy from his hands. He mustered a glare.

Lu Han dismissed his glare and entered his room.

“Hey!” he said. “Girls aren’t allowed in my room! Only my mom!”

Lu Han looked at him, his doe eyes wider than normal. “What did you say?”

“I said,” Sehun repeated, “girls aren’t allowed in my room!”

It was Lu Han’s turn to glare at him. “I’m not a girl,” he said in Mandarin, confusing the younger child. “How dare you! I don’t even look like a girl! I hate you!” Lu Han forcefully grabbed his toy, but Sehun’s was holding it tightly. The bear’s arm was ripped from its body.

At the sight of his precious toy’s broken body, Sehun cried. Their parents came to his room immediately, after hearing his cry.

“What happened?” his mom asked.

“Han, what happened?” Lu Han’s mom asked in Mandarin.

“He called me a girl!” the Chinese boy whined to his mom. “I was going to apologize, but he called me a girl!”

“He ripped my bear! She laughed at me and she ripped my bear!” Sehun cried to his mom.

The two women looked at each other apologetically. “I’m sorry for my son’s behavior,” Lu Han’s mom said.

Sehun’s mom shook her head and said. “No, I’m sorry.” She bent down and carried the crying Sehun.

“My son can be a bit temperamental. And he should have been more giving since he’s older. I hope this doesn’t ruin our soon-to-be friendship.”

The Korean woman smiled. “Of course. I’m really sorry, too.”

Both women bowed to each other. Sehun’s mom saw their guests to the door while carrying him. Lu Han was still sulking when they left.

His mother explained that Lu Han was boy and not a girl.

He was nine when he saw Lu Han again.

“Hey, Thehun!” one of his classmates called out to him. It was lunchtime and there was no teacher around.

The bully was holding his precious Rilakkuma stuffed toy, something he got for Christmas. They had been inseparable, until that day when his classmate decided to make fun of him. “What do you do with this bear, anyway? It’s always in your bag.”

“Give it back!” he shouted. He reached for the bear, but his classmate was taller than him. “I said, give it back to me!” He fought back his tears.

Suddenly, a teenager plucked the bear from the hands of the bully. He had doe eyes and a pretty face. “The boy asked for you to give it back.”

Sehun stared at the teen. He had an inkling feeling that he had met him before.

His classmate glared at the older guy. “Mind your own business, pretty boy.”

The teen just raised his brow and twisted the boy’s ear. “Where did you learn to talk like that? Aren’t you just nine years old?”

“Ow, ow, ow! Let me go!” his classmate tried to kick the teen, but failed. “I’m telling the teacher!”

“Then I’ll have to tell your teacher that you’ve been bulling Sehunnie here,” he said. He glanced at Sehun who looked shocked.

He was right. He had met him before. It was the Chinese boy who ripped his favorite toy.

“Alright, alright. I won’t tell. Just let me go!”

Lu Han let go of the boy’s ear. The boy ran away from them and back into the classroom.

“Hi, Sehun,” the Chinese teen said with a smile.

He was about five inches shorter than him. He held out his hand and asked for his bear. Lu Han complied and handed it to him.

“I guess we’re even now, right?”

He noticed that his Korean was better now. He didn’t speak like a toddler anymore. He nodded. “Thanks,” he replied curtly.

Lu Han grinned at him. “Sorry if it took me four years to apologize, but I’m sorry. I really am. Whenever my mom invited your mom to our house, I always looked forward to seeing you so I could apologize. But you never came. I guess my sin was never forgotten.”

“I’m sorry too,” Sehun said softly. “I’m sorry I called you a girl.”

He laughed and Sehun felt something stir within him. He didn’t know what it was, but he felt giddy.

After that, he was always with Lu Han. They were together before school, during break time, and after school. The bully once that Lu Han was his ‘girlfriend.’ Sehun didn’t say anything. He just punched him in the face.

When he told Lu Han, the older boy just laughed and put an arm around him. “You’re so violent, Sehunnie.” The bell rang and they had to go back to their classroom. He felt lonely all of a sudden.

He was fifteen when Lu Han left.

They were forced to leave because his father was transferred back to China. Lu Han was glad to return to his home country, but he didn’t want to leave his friends.

“Do you really have to go?” Sehun asked him. They were hanging out in his room and Lu Han was lying on his bed. He was sitting on his computer chair.

“Yeah.”

They were silent for a while, until he asked, “Do you want to go?”

Lu Han looked at him and smiled. “Yes and no.” He sat up. “I want to go back to China because I miss living in China. I don’t want to go back because I don’t want to leave my friends here. I don’t want to leave you.”

He felt his heart skip a beat when he heard Lu Han’s last sentence.

“But it’s not a matter of choice,” the doe-eyed boy continued. He stared at the ceiling. “Even if I want to stay, my parents won’t allow me. They don’t trust me enough to allow me to live alone.”

“You can live here!” he said impulsively.

Lu Han looked at him and laughed. “Don’t joke, Sehunnie, or I may take that seriously."

He was tempted to tell him that he was serious. “So when are you leaving?” he said instead.

“Three days from now.”

“Already?” He thought they still had a week or more left.

“They need dad there now so... I was surprised too, you know.”

“You’re going to leave me,” he said in a small voice.

Lu Han stood up from his bed and walked to him. He hugged him and said, “But I won’t forget you, I promise.”

“Who’s going to protect me now?” He hated the fact that he sounded like a child.

“You’re taller than me now, Sehun. You don’t need to be protected anymore.” He hugged him tightly. “Just don’t get your heart broken, okay? And once you get a girlfriend, tell me.”

He wanted to tell him that he would never get a girlfriend. He wanted to tell him that he liked him. “I promise.”

“Good.” Lu Han broke the hug and walked back to the bed. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“Me too.” He wanted to tell him that he would miss him so much, too much. He wanted to tell him, but he couldn’t.

On the day of Lu Han’s flight, he had school. But he cut his other classes and headed to the airport. He saw him and his mom in the lounge. His father was checking in.

“Hyung!” he called out.

Lu Han looked for the person who called him and when he saw him, he looked surprised.

Sehun ran to him and hugged him tightly. “Hyung.”

Lu Han returned the hug. “Sehun, what are you doing here?”

“I can’t let you go,” he said. Even if I die. “Without saying goodbye.” He felt his tears falling.

“I’m going to miss you, Sehun. Sehunnie.”

He gripped him tighter. “I’m going to miss you too.” He reluctantly broke the hug and reached into his bag. He took out his Rilakkuma, his most treasured possession, and handed it to him. “Hyung, keep this.”

Lu Han shook his head. “No, no, no. I can’t. You can’t sleep without this.”

“Hyung.” He looked at him in the eye. “I want you to have this. So you won’t forget me.”

Lu Han took it and hugged it. “I’m going to treasure this.”

“You better,” he joked.

“You know, even if I’m leaving, I’m not really leaving.”

“Yeah?”

“Promise.” He hugged Sehun one last time. “I’ll call you once we’ve settled down in China,” he said and went back to his parents, who were waiting for him.

Sehun wiped his tears and bowed to the Lu family. He waved at them and watched as they walked away. Lu Han looked back at him and waved goodbye.

Goodbye.

He was twenty when he saw Lu Han for the last time.

Lu Han promised to call him a few days after their arrival, but it never came. He waited persistently for the call. He checked his mailbox everyday, but he didn’t receive a letter either.

One week, one month, one year passed, and he still didn’t receive a call or a letter or anything.

He felt betrayed. He felt forgotten. But he felt like something was wrong. Lu Han would never do this to him, unless he never really liked him in the first place. Unless their friendship was really nothing to him.

Two years passed and he finally accepted the fact that he had lost all contact with his first love. He tried looking for him on Facebook to no avail. He didn’t know what else to do. He could only give up.

But I can’t give up.

When he turned twenty, he asked his parents if he could travel to China as his birthday gift. He was granted with a one-month all-expenses paid trip to China.

The moment he landed, he started looking for him.

He finally saw him (and a girl) in a cafe in the heart of Beijing. He thought he did. When he was only a few feet away from them, he realized that the man wasn’t Lu Han. Still, he walked to them and asked in broken Mandarin, “Excuse me, do you know a Lu Han?”

The man who looked like Lu Han looked at him, surprised.

He explained further, “He has doe eyes and he lived in South Korea for ten years.”

The man nodded. “Yes. He’s my cousin. Why?”

He sighed in relief. “Do you know where he is?” he asked excitedly.

The man exchanged glances with the girl and said, “Do you want to come with me?”

The man brought a very confused Sehun to a hospital. They went up to the eight floor and entered a room. There, Sehun saw him.

Lu Han was lying on a hospital bed. There were things attached to him.

“Life support,” the man explained when he asked. “He’s been in a coma for five years now. They were involved in a car accident a few days after they arrived in China. We don’t have the heart to remove his support. We can’t.” When he saw Sehun starting to break down, he excused himself and left the room.

Sehun felt terrible. He hated himself for the times he thought that Lu Han didn’t care. It hurt him, but it hurt him more to see him like that. It broke him.

“Hyung, please wake up. Hyung. Hyung. Lu Han! I still haven’t told you my feelings. Lu Han, please. How can you do this to me? You said you wouldn’t leave me.” He clutched Lu Han’s arm tightly. He was wailing now. “Lu Han, wake up! Have you forgotten your promise? Lu Han!”

He spent his whole week with Lu Han. Often times, he just sat there holding his hand. Other times, he would tell him about everything he missed within the five years they hadn’t seen each other.

On his eight visit, he walked in on the doctor and Lu Han’s cousin talking about Lu Han. From what he understood, Lu Han was slowly giving up.

“What’s happening?” he asked the cousin after the doctor left.

He looked at him sadly. “He’s dying,” he said.

Sehun shook his head. “No. You’re lying. He’s going to live. He told me he wouldn’t leave me. No. You’re lying! You’re lying!” He was shouting now and he didn’t care. He sat on the floor, sobbing. He hugged himself. “You’re lying.”

He heard a faint, “I’m sorry,” and the closing of the door.

On the tenth day, he finally confessed. “Lu Han, I love you.”

He looked at the heart monitor, expecting it to rise up. Lu Han’s heartbeat was supposed to go faster.

But he was only lying to himself. He watched the heartbeat grow weaker and become a flatline.

He stood up and pressed the button, calling for a doctor. “Lu Han!” he screamed. “Lu Han!”

Lu Han’s cousin held him back as the doctor and nurses tried to revive Lu Han. They tried and tried, but they were unsuccessful.

The doctor walked away from Lu Han and faced them. “I’m sorry.”

Sehun broke free and grabbed the doctor’s coat. “You didn’t try hard enough!” he screamed. “Try it again. He can’t die. He can’t die! He’s not dead!”

“I’m sorry.” The doctor walked away.

Lu Han’s cousin touched his arm. “Sehun, stop it. He’s dead.”

“No! You stop it! He’s not dead! He’s not dead!” He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t care if he looked like a child who was bullied. He didn’t care about his runny nose or his tears. He only cared about Lu Han.

He walked to Lu Han’s lifeless body and shook it. “I hate you! You’re a liar! Lu Han! Wake up! Wake up, damn it! I hate you!” He screamed and shook the body. “Idiot, wake up! I love you! I love you.” He hugged Lu Han as he cried and sobbed and wailed. But there was nothing he could do anymore.

Lu Han was dead.

And everything else...

The broken toy from fifteen years ago. The Rilakkuma lying on the floor of Lu Han’s room. The promise Lu Han made before he left. Sehun.

Forgotten.