a/n: This is the first time I've written my own prompt, as I usually scroll through the exopromptmeme for ideas!

This fic was inspired by a tumblr post, (I have since lost the link) wondering if Jongdae has been on a diet or something like that as of late, because he looked like he was water bloated.

I don't personally agree with the statement, (seeing as I don't really look for things like that in the boys), but it inspired all my angsty feels into Jongdae being the one who felt insecure, not Baekhyun - for some reason, all the angsty Baekchen fic about self image and insecurity that I've ever read have Baekhyun as the self concious one, so I thought this was a good opportunity to see Jongdae in that light.

Warnings: mentions of panic attacks/ panic disorder, mentions of eating disorders, somewhat graphic depiction of vomiting

Please note: I've never had an eating disorder (and the characters in this fic don't have an eating disorder either; it is simply mentioned), nor have I ever been diagnosed with panic disorder (though I have suffered from a few panic attacks), so therefore, I hope I portrayed these conditions to the best of my abilities, and I'm sorry if this is not that accurate. I tried.

Btws: Titles is taken from a quote from the book Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, and the book is actually about eating disorders and self harm. I really recommend reading the book; it's rather insightful.

Quote: “I believe that you've created a metaphorical universe in which you can express your darkest fears. In one aspect, yes, I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves, and sometimes we do such a good job, we lose track of reality.”