“Hello Junhong.  I see you’re back.  The doctor will be ready to see you soon.”

                The nurse at the front desk was always so nice to the baby giant.  She was here almost every time he came for an appointment.  Unfortunately, he was having appointments a lot more than usual.  “Ne, unnie.  Thanks.  I’ll be waiting in my usual spot,” he replied with a smile that he hoped didn’t seem faked.

                The doctor didn’t take long to return for him in his favorite spot in the waiting room.  Once situated in the doctor’s office, Junhong kept quiet as his blood was drawn and his heart, lungs, and eyes were examined.  “What’s happening doctor?  This is my fifth appointment this month.”  The frustration was evident in his voice.  Fatigue plagued him more and more no matter how much medicine he consumed.

                “Your results from the biopsy taken came in yesterday,” the doctor paused, only confirming Junhong’s uncertain thoughts.  “It seems your leukemia has turned aggressive.  That’s why none of your medicine has been working.”

                Junhong sighed.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out he was getting worse.  “How much longer do I have, doctor?”

                His question was simple enough but after what felt like an eternity, when he still hadn’t received a response, he tried again.  “Please.  Just tell me.”

                The doctor gave one final sigh.  “With continued treatment to slow the process, a year or so, give or take.”  His words were painfully certain.  “I’m sorry.”

                A year?  Junhong could barely wrap his head around what he’d just heard.  He was still supposed to have at least a few years left.  He spent a few minutes digesting his new life span before the doctor gave him some more medicine and sent him on his way.  The nurse wanted to say goodbye but halted her attempts when she saw Junhong’s pale face was paler than usual and his eyes were distant.

                “Bye unnie.  Have a good day, okay?” he said when she didn’t give her usual ‘goodbye’ response.

                She gave him a comforting smile in return.  “Bye sweetie.”

                Junhong mustered up a smile and one last wave.

                The bus ride home was uncomfortable to say the least.  He ended up trapped between the window and a flurry of grocery bags piled next to him.  He ignored them for the most part, knowing his car wasn’t fixed yet, and there was no way he’d have Daehyun take him.  Daehyun.  .  If he hadn't already been hurting, he would have slapped himself.

                After a grueling thirty minute ride, he finally made it home.  He was surprised to see Daehyun waiting for him, aggravation etched into his features.  He knew the other wasn’t one to get angry over little things so something must have seriously pissed him off.  “Why?” Daehyun asked after a moment of silence.  Without warning, the older male rose to his feet and shoved some papers at Junhong.  It took him only a second to realize they were his doctor appointment notices.  “Why?”

                “I’ve been trying out new medications with the doctor.  You said you wanted me to see if they could do more for my anemia didn’t you?”  Guilt wracked Junhong as he lied, but he couldn’t tell him yet.

                “That could be done once a month like always, can’t it?  You could have told me you know.  It’s not that hard.”

                Oh but it was…  “I’m sorry, Daehyunnie.  I just didn’t want you to worry.”  If he didn’t turn the conversation around soon, hell would ensue, he knew.

                Daehyun took a calming breath and pulled Junhong close to him.  The taller breathed in his scent as Daehyun held him.  “You’re my boyfriend; my personal tower of terror.  It’s my job to worry about you.  I’m also supposed to take care of you, but I can’t do that when you hide things like doctor’s appointments from me.”

                Junhong mustered up his signature pout before bringing his lips down to Daehyun’s in a slow kiss.  Their kiss was interrupted by a knock on the door.  The younger tried to pull away only to be drawn back into the kiss.

                “Junhong.  Don’t ignore me.  Open up!”

                “Yah.  Baby, let go.  It’s Jongup,” Junhong laughed at Daehyun’s expression.  Jongup always had the worst timing.

                “Alright.  I’m headed to Yongguk’s house.  You have fun with Jongup,” Daehyun chuckled.  They shared one more kiss before Daehyun left, letting the younger in at the same time.

                Before Junhong could say hi, he was being bombarded with questions from the anxious Jongup.  “How was your appointment?”

                “Fine.”

                “Did they give you more pain medication?”

                “Yes, Jongup.”

                “What about your results from the biopsy?”

                “They…”

                “Is everything okay?”

                “Jongup!”

                “Have you told Daehyun yet?”

                Unable to take anymore questions, he covered his best friend’s mouth.  “Jongup.  Hush.”  The shorter boy agreed, prompting Junhong to remove his hand.  “I’m nearing the end.”  He could see his words weighed heavily on his friend’s heart.

                “How long?” Jongup asked as he plopped down on the couch.

                Junhong sat next to him and grabbed his hand.  “A year.”  He waited for the older to freak out, but Jongup stayed calm, for which he was grateful.

                “Does Daehyun know yet?” he asked, keeping his sadness in check as best he could.

                “No.  I…  He…  He found my appointment letters today.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him,” he whispered as he brought his knees to his chest to hug them tightly.  “He’s gonna flip out.  Or worse.  He’d leave,” he admitted for the first time, voicing his concern aloud.  Daehyun leaving him was what he feared the most.  The past two and a half years had been everything to him.  He had known he was going to die for over four years already, but being with Daehyun had made him feel like he could live forever.

                “He’d be pissed definitely, but leave you?  No way.”

                Junhong took a deep breath and nodded.  “You’re right.  We’re having a date night tomorrow and I’ll tell him when we get back.  At least that way he’ll be in a better mood.”

                “No, Junhong.  Don’t wait.  Don’t forget I know you.  You’ll keep putting it off and precious days will pass,” Jongup fussed, his words full of truth.

                “I can’t tell him today.  Not after I just lied to his face like that,” Junhong retorted, really not wanting to do it today anyway.

                “You have to tell him.  I’ll stay if you want, but you’ve got to tell him.”

                “Tell me what?”

                Both Junhong and Jongup jolted to an upright position.  Neither of them had heard him come in.  “I thought you were going to hang out with Yongguk?” Junhong asked, bypassing Daehyun’s question.

                “I was but he ditched me to go hang out with Luna.  Now, what do I need to be told?”

                The youngest locked eyes with his boyfriend.  He was so busted…  Junhong shifted his eyes to his friend nervously before trying to speak.  “I, well, um…” was all that filtered through every time he tried until Jongup swatted him on his back.  “I’m dying.”  There.  He’d said it.  If he thought earlier was bad, the silence alone was suffocating.

                “What?!”  Daehyun’s voice was so sharp the younger two couldn’t help but flinch.  “Don’t joke like that.  It’s not funny.”

                Frustrated and afraid, Junhong rose to his feet, towering over Daehyun as usual.  “Baby, I’m serious.  As of today, I have a year left to live.”  As the words left his mouth, he watched Daehyun’s body tense up.  Silence once again filled the apartment.  Junhong was sure Daehyun would scream at him or storm out or something.  Instead, there was only deafening silence.  And that was much worse.

                After a moment, Junhong reached out to touch his still silent boyfriend only to have to his touch rejected.  “Don’t touch me!  Just… don’t.  Not right now,” he spoke, his voice low, almost threatening.

                The youngest took a tentative step back, but no matter how far away he moved, he couldn’t escape the look in Daehyun’s eyes.

                The tension in the room only seemed to be rising.  It was thick enough to be cut with a knife and then served for dinner.  Junhong was unexpectedly pulled further back by a cautious Jongup.  He let himself be dragged out the door, leaving Daehyun alone.

                “Shouldn’t we have stayed?” Junhong asked uncertainly.

                Jongup’s eyes bugged at the question.  “You’re not serious, right?  He looked like he wanted to hit you.”

                Junhong’s face scrunched up.  “He wouldn’t hit me.”

                “I never said he would.  I’m saying he looked mad enough to try if you stayed there.  Just give him an hour or so before going back.  You two still have a lot to talk out,” he countered with the obvious hope that the taller male would listen to him.

                With a small sigh, Junhong gave in.  “Fine.  I still need to go tell Jieun anyway.”

                Jongup stayed with him a little longer before seeing Junhong off after dropping him off at his sister’s house.  His visit with her went the same as all their others.  She was definitely sadder that she had less time with her brother.  That much he knew because he felt the same.  He ended up staying over at her place for over an hour; closer to two if he really thought about it.  To save him an awkward bus trip back, she drove him home.

                “Call if you need me, okay?” she called out as he walked up the stairs to his apartment door.  “Ne, unnie.  I will.  Goodnight!”

                Goodnight.”

                Junhong trekked up the stairs, dreading the wrath that was his boyfriend’s.  Surprisingly, when he opened the door, all of the lights were off and when he turned them on, he quickly realized he should have left them off.  The living room was destroyed, a complete disaster.  The couch cushions were scattered all over, as was their wooden coffee table.  It was in pieces strewn about the floor.  He didn’t even want to think about how the older managed that.

                His heart didn’t break until he realized all their pictures had been removed.  Only one was left up on the wall and it was torn in half.  Fearing the worst, he checked the trashcan.  Nothing.  He rushed to their bedroom and, if possible, his heart dropped to his stomach.  Daehyun’s belongings were gone.  “He’s gone….”  His voice came out in a whisper as tears began to streak down his face.

                He only cried for a few minutes before he pulled himself together.  Despite the little hope Jongup had given him, he knew Daehyun would leave.  What he didn’t expect was a phone call from Youngjae.  He ignored it at first to focus on the task at hand of cleaning up the living room.  After the fifth call, he put down his broom and answered the phone.

                “What happened?!”  Youngjae’s scream was so loud, Junhong had to pull the phone away from his ear.  “Well?  Speak up.”  His tone left no room for argument.

                Every time the older male spoke like that, Junhong felt as if his umma was chewing him out.  “I’m dying.”  There was silence.  There was always silence.

                “How long?” was Youngjae’s next question.  That alone baffled Junhong.  No, ‘Are you joking?’ or ‘Don’t joke about that!’  Just pure acceptance.

                “One year,” he said for the umpteenth time that day.

                “Well that explains a lot and before you ask, yes.  He’s here.  No, I couldn’t ask him.  Well, I can but he won’t answer.  He hasn’t said a word since,” he stopped and Junhong heard a rustling sound.  “Yah.  Dae, stop.  Stop!  Sto-”  The line disconnected after that.

                “Well, I should get used to this now, I guess.  It’s going to be a long year without him around,” he sighed in the empty living room.

                The rest of his evening was uneventful.  It took him hours to clean up the mess, but he welcomed the distraction.  Sleep wasn’t an easy feat either, but his pain medication helped to ease his mind as well as his body, allowing unconsciousness to take him.

                Junhong slept through the morning.  He didn’t see a reason to get up.  His phone, on the other hand, thought otherwise.  It was Youngjae again.

                “How are you holding up?”

                “I’m okay.”  He bit back the impulse to ask why Youngjae even cared.

                “Don’t sound so down.  He’ll be back.  You’re still in for one hell of a talk though.”

                He didn’t know why, but that made Junhong smile, if only a little.  Even if there was an argument looming, the fact that Daehyun would come back to do that much was an odd comfort.  “Why are you trying to make me feel better?”

                “You’re my friend, right?” he asked earnestly, and continued when Junhong hummed in response.  “Then it’s my job.  Just stay in touch until tomorrow.  He should be ready to talk to you by then.  He’s talking to me at least so I can only hope.”  Youngjae’s voice was so upbeat, it reminded him of how he strived to be.  Positive.

                “Thanks.”  Junhong was surprised when the elder male hung up without warning.  Daehyun had probably shown up, if anything.

                After his rude awakening, there was no way Junhong would get back to sleep any time soon.  He spent the rest of the day lounging about the house instead.  As the sun set and rose again, Junhong was woken abruptly by a banging on the door.

                “I’m coming, I’m coming.  Pipe down.”  He yanked open the door only to be faced with Daehyun.  Whatever he’d planned to say died on his lips and the only thing that emerged was, “Da-Daehyunnie.”

                The older just stared at him.  “Ouch,” he groaned as Youngjae’s nails dug deeper into his shoulder.

                “I thought we got past this.”

                Junhong looked on in complete confusion as Daehyun rolled his eyes and jerked away from Youngjae.  “Stop pinching me you cretin.  I’m here aren’t I?”  The younger continued to keep quiet.  “So.  Let’s get this over with,” Daehyun said, focusing back on Junhong, causing the younger to whimper.  “Why?” Daehyun asked when they settled into the living room.

                Same question, different day.  Junhong chewed his lip before answering.  “Because I wanted to keep you from worrying.”

                Daehyun his teeth and stood up.  “Bull.  If that were the case, you wouldn’t have stayed with me in the first place.  I was… I am always worried about you.  Every time you got sick, every day you came home tired.  I was worried.  But did you care?  No.  You just lied to me.”  Daehyun was about to storm off when Youngjae hopped up and pushed him back down on the couch followed by another forceful pinch to his shoulder.  “Dammit, Youngjae!  Stop that!”

                Youngjae only laughed.  “Fat chance.  Listen to what he has to say first.  Then maybe.”

                After they calmed down again, Junhong went and kneeled in front of Daehyun.  The elder was still staring holes through him but he resisted the urge to retreat.  The young giant took a deep breath hoping to calm his nerves but no such luck.  “I’ve known I was going to die since I was a sophomore in high school,” he paused when Daehyun let out a menacing growl.

                “You brat.  You selfish brat.  You knew yet you still acted like everything was fine.  You never once thought of how I would feel,” his voice was full of hurt and Junhong found it hard to continue what he was saying.  If not for the supportive look Youngjae had sent him, he probably would have stopped.

                “That’s not true, Dae.  I was supposed to have eight, maybe even ten years left before it was time to die.”  Again it felt like Daehyun’s gaze was suffocating him and this time when the older motion to speak, Youngjae covered his mouth.  Junhong couldn’t help but sigh.

                “Stop talking, Dae.  Damn.  No more interrupting him or I’m going to pinch you into the next life,” Youngjae warned with playful seriousness.  All in all, Junhong preferred snarky Youngjae rather than a pissed off one.  That was a scary sight.  “Go on Junhong,” Youngjae said, barely holding in his disgust when Daehyun his hand, causing him to rip his hand away.

                Junhong managed to contain his snort.  That was his Daehyun alright.  With the tense silence returning, the youngest took his time to continue.  “I thought I still had enough time to tell you.  Especially since you were only interested in being friends at first.  Then, as we started to date, I wanted to tell you but every time I tried, I chickened out.  I was afraid you’d leave.  I was right.”  Junhong didn’t miss how Daehyun’s posture as well as his expression softened a little.  “I just wanted you to see me as a normal person.  To be with me because you wanted to, not just for sympathy.  I understand if you never forgive me,” he admitted, unable to hold back the tears any longer.  “I just wanted you to love me for me,” he continued, lowering his head and sinking to both knees further, only to be pulled right back up again.

                “I do love you, Junhongie.  You drive me crazy with worry and I’m still pissed as hell at you, but I still love you.”  He pulled his still crying boyfriend into his arms and held him tight.

                “I love you too, Daehyunnie,” Junhong whispered.

                “We’ll get through this; I just need some time to come to terms with what you are to me, okay?” Daehyun said and chuckled when he felt Junhong hum against his neck.

                “Yah.  Break it up before I lose my lunch,” Youngjae teased, sticking his tongue out.  “Speaking of lunch, let’s go eat.”

~

                While Junhong was glad that Daehyun was able to come to terms with his illness, eventually, there was no getting around the fact that he felt bad about keeping him in the dark for so long.  He honestly had thought he’d have more time and before he even knew what happened, it was gone…  But Daehyun was with him now and that was all that mattered.

                It was a little bit sad but endearing the way that Daehyun scoured the internet for any way to help him, spending far more hours than he should have planted in front of his laptop with his nose to the screen.  His expression was so focused and intense, it was almost painful to see, but Junhong was grateful all the same, even if he knew as much as anyone else it was a useless endeavor.

                Little by little, he watched as Daehyun realized it too, his attempts becoming more lackluster until he finally sat on the couch with the laptop on his thighs and just stared ahead, a dissatisfied frown on his face.  “I’m sorry,” Junhong whispered, coming to sit down beside him, wrapping his arms around the shorter male as he snuggled closer.

                Daehyun snorted at the words and rolled his eyes as he moved the laptop so he could better gather Junhong into his arms.  “I’m the one that should be saying that,” he muttered in disgust.  “This is really happening isn’t it?” he asked again, holding the younger male tighter.

                “Ne,” Junhong nodded, seeing no point in beating around the bush anymore, though his heart was heavy now that he could see Daehyun had come to the same level of acceptance he had.  “Daehyunnie?” he whispered, nudging his head under his boyfriend’s chin.

                “Ne, baby?” he responded, his swallowing audible to Junhong where he was resting.

                “I’m scared,” the young giant admitted in a quiet voice as he hugged Daehyun tighter.

                He knew by the way that Daehyun hesitated, his boyfriend was just as frightened and unsure as he was, but there was no way the older boy was going to admit it.  “Eh.  There’s nothing to be scared of, baby.  I’ll protect you.  You know that,” he assured him brazenly, the trembling in his arms giving him away despite the conviction in his tone.

                “How?” Junhong couldn’t help but ask, honestly curious about his answer.

                “Quiet you.  I’m still working on that part,” Daehyun chided with a forced laugh as he kissed the top of his boyfriend’s head.

                “Thank you, love,” Junhong sighed, relaxing further against the other male.  He knew it was an impossible and lost cause; they both did, but it was all they had.

                “Yeah well,” Daehyun chuckled.  “In my role of your boyfriend, that also means I have to make sure you’re taken care of, remember?” he prompted, petting the blonde curls fondly.

                Junhong nodded with a smile on his lips.  He remembered that conversation fondly, even if the one after hadn’t been all that great.  “So what are you going to do, baby?” he asked, waiting for the response.

                “Whatever I have to,” Daehyun responded, the answer warming Junhong more than anything else could at that moment.

                While he had his doubts about what exactly Daehyun would do to fulfill that promise, Junhong probably shouldn’t have ever worried.  As his health continued to degenerate, followed by more and more doctor visits as they desperately tried to slow the inevitable, Daehyun was always there.  And if he wasn’t, he made damn sure someone else was so that Junhong was never alone.

                The man was his own one person army and Junhong couldn’t help but fall further and further in love with him every passing day, knowing full well what was going to happen in the end.  He didn’t exactly have much of a bucket list per se but Daehyun poked and prodded until he gave up a few of the things he wanted to do before his time came.

                They went to some of the newest movies together; tried a couple theme parks that ended up being too much for his system if they did anything more than walk around or attempt some of the lower key rides; and spent as much time in each other’s company as possible.  In the end, that was really all Junhong wanted.  The company of his friends and family… and Daehyun.

                Unfortunately, even he could put off the deteriorating reality only so long and after months of fighting it, tooth and nail, Junhong finally found himself in the hospital: indefinitely.  “Sorry, baby,” he apologized for the umpteenth time as he was stuck in bed while the nurses checked him over again.

                “Would you stop saying that,” Daehyun complained, tightening his grip on the younger boy’s hand in lieu of lightly smacking him as he would have before.

                “I would have preferred you didn’t see me like this,” Junhong admitted with a frown, an IV sticking out of his arm and a monitor on his finger.  It wasn’t anything extensive yet but he knew it was likely to get worse in the end.  He was going to hate it when they had to put that stupid breathing tube in his nose…

                “So I’m not supposed to see my boyfriend then?” Daehyun snorted with one brow raised.

                “No!” Junhong retorted, briefly panicked by the thought.

                “Easy,” Daehyun soothed, standing up to smooth his hair in a calming gesture.

                The younger boy’s signature pout made an appearance and he stuck his tongue out.  “It’s rude to joke with people like that,” he couldn’t help but smile.

                “You already know I’m a rude bastard,” Daehyun chuckled self-deprecatingly.

                “Liar,” Junhong retorted, cringing when his boyfriend gasped and looked affronted.  Ignoring the look for a second, he tugged on the standing male’s hand and mutely urged him to sit down.  Daehyun did so without complaint and Junhong to his side, as much as the wires and tubes allowed at any rate.  “Have you thought about what I said I wanted?”

                Daehyun sighed and nodded his head slowly.  “Of course I’ll support you baby.  You know that.  I just…”

                “I know,” Junhong whispered sadly, a lifetime of regret in the words.

                “It’s not fair you know,” Daehyun muttered, grabbing the pale, thin hand tighter.  “We were supposed to have more time,” he went on before Junhong could ask.

                “Nothing lasts forever, baby,” he sighed heavily, grimacing at the way it came out.  “I sound so-”

                “Old,” Daehyun finished for him with a smirk.  “Stop that.  You’re just a baby after all.”  He paused at the words and grimaced himself.  “Ew,” he laughed with a shake of his head, remembering the old argument.

                “,” Junhong chuckled.  “Seriously though.  I’m going to need your help.  I don’t think umma and appa will like it as much as me,” he admitted, taking a deep weary breath.

                “I’ll bring all the crew in if I have to,” Daehyun laughed.  “I can’t say I like the idea of you being ashes, but when…  When…”  He couldn’t even finish the sentence.

                “When I’m gone,” Junhong said it for him.  

                 He knew Daehyun still had trouble saying the words, and couldn’t blame him. The younger was just grateful to his boyfriend. His parents weren’t particularly thrilled with his wish to be cremated but it’s what he truly wanted. He’d spent the last few years feeling trapped by his sickness and the last few months trapped in a hospital room. The last thing he wanted was to die and still be trapped, even if he was dead.

                 Junhong and Daehyun’s goodbye was nothing close to satisfying, but it had to be done. The younger still had a week or so left but he wanted to say his goodbyes now, since he banned anyone but his family from visiting him in his final hours. Daehyun of course refused but there was no stopping the stubborn giant of a boy. He didn’t want his boyfriend to watch him die. No way in hell would he allow it and he’d asked everyone to keep him away.

                 “I don’t want you to leave me,” Daehyun whispered as he held Junhong’s hand tightly.

                 “I don’t want to leave you either baby, but I can’t hold on for much longer,” he admitted wanting to hug the older but his oxygen tube was putting a strain on his movements. “Dae, I want you to promise me that after today you won’t come in here again.” He was staying awake less and less each day and he was afraid he would be unconscious and unable to keep Daehyun away. The doctors told him he’d probably pass away in his sleep if he was lucky.

                  “But…”

                  “Daehyunnie no buts. Please promise me.” The older sighed and stood up to hover over Junhong.

                  “I promise.”  His words were tight but he meant it.

                  Junhong could see the defeat in his eyes, but would be forever grateful. He leaned up to place one last kiss on his lips.

                 “Goodbye baby.”