We're Got Tonight 

(YoonSic)

Dark. I liked the fact that I didn’t see anything. It somehow tricked my mind into thinking that there was also nothing but darkness inside of me - that I was hollow. And that was how I liked it - appreciated it, even. But every time I felt my breath on my skin, heart beating, and vision slowly clearing, that moment of peace suddenly vanished - those few seconds God gave me every waking moment to simply forget you were gone - and as though on cue, I felt this pain in my chest, tired of feeling; my eyes felt heavy and they burnt as though my tears turned into acid; and my head ached as thoughts of you seemed like a hammer, pounding it every memory it reminisced.

Now, I was full of pain and grieve as I looked at your side of the bed, knowing you would never be back beside me. In my arms was the pillow you always used, and I hugged it as though your life depended on it because even in my sleep I never let go. There was this huge part of me that wished you never did either; and oh how I wished I could hold onto it for you. Because this was just really, really painful. Did you ever think there would be a time we’d lose each other like this? It never even occurred to me that this pain was possible. I always wondered, but deep down in my heart wished for it to never happen, how did people accept death? Because it shouldn’t go like this. We were supposed to grow old together. Together! We never planned that you’d one day just leave me like this, and deep down, selfishly, I begged my God to switch places with you. I knew it was bad, but I was to a point of knowing I would rather be dead than be alone because most of the time, I still hear your voice in my head as though you were just in front of me and like every morning before you head for work, you smiled at me and say, “Yoona, I’ll be going. See you later,” and you would lean in to whisper in my ear how much you loved me, your voice tickling my skin. You seal that confession with a kiss on my lips, and I wonder who would do that now?

I heard myself sob as though I was a baby, causing me to hug the pillow tighter and if it was you, I was sure you would end up suffocating. But that was the thing, it wasn’t you. It would never be you. Your scent you left behind on it kept me going, but days of being hugged by me made it slowly disappear and even if I sprayed it with your perfume to get by, it was starting to smell differently as to when you had it on. I closed my eyes, thinking this would make the pain go away, but all it did was make my tear that was building in my eyes fall. I didn’t bother wiping it because I grew tired of doing it on a cycle. Maybe because deep down, if I had enough tears on my cheeks, you’d just wipe it away like you always did and say, “I’m sorry, Yoona. Stop crying. You’re such a crybaby.” You always did so lovingly, and how much I wished to hear it once more. Because if that was the case, I wouldn’t mind crying everyday if it meant you’d be there to wipe it away and then embrace me at the end.

“Jessica,” I sobbed once more as I called your name again and again like a mantra. “Jessica,” I said once more. I didn’t know if this helped me, but calling you made me somehow validate that you were once here. That I didn’t just come up with what we had - the most genuine love I had. Repeatedly calling you, reminding myself that I had a lover just days ago named ‘Jessica’ and how she bounced around our tiny downtown apartment with a smile on her face as though she were the luckiest girl on earth. But I wished she knew how much I thought of myself lucky simply because she loved me. Out of all the people on this planet, she chose to love me, and only me.

I didn’t know if I told you enough how much I loved you or if you felt it, but I gave it my all; please believe me. I was to a point of not knowing what to do with my life because half of me died, whilst the other half needed to go on living. But, really, how should I go on because we planned everything together. After purchasing this studio apartment, that you insisted on since it was close to my University despite it being a little bit away from your workplace, didn’t we plan to buy something much larger once I, too, started earning decent money? I just started doing so not long ago, and we were already planning on contacting our  realtor, right? What was I supposed to do now?

With the pillow still in my arms, I got up the bed as this small apartment started to seem too big without you. The only place that my feet led me to was our walk-in closet. I recalled how I told our realtor that this was odd, given the size of the apartment to have a decent walk-in closet, but you joked and said, “If we fight, you’ll have a place to hide in,” and that smile you beamed that I remembered made me sob some more, making me curl in one corner of the closet. Because whenever I was asleep, instead of finishing your work in the small living room or the small office you built on the other side of the apartment, you would always be in here so the light wouldn’t disturb me or the tapping of your keyboard wouldn’t wake me. With a grin on your face as you rubbed the back of your head, “I want my princess to get her beauty sleep,” you’d say whenever I scold you in the morning as I caught you falling asleep on the floor in here.

You were so  perfect. Perfect. So why? I still couldn’t fathom why it had to be you. I didn’t care if it was another car, who collided with that drunk driver. I didn’t care if somebody else out there would suffer right now, I just didn’t want it to be me! It didn’t have to be you either. You had a life ahead of you so why did my God take you? People tell me that it would be alright. Those empty words. How would it be alright? You were gone, and nothing will change that! I sobbed uncontrollably, wailing as though I was losing my sanity. And honestly, nobody would probably question it at this point. I sniffed, noticing that your scent was still here. Realizing it now, your clothes were everywhere, hanging as though telling me you were here with me. You always sprayed your perfume here, and it seemed like you were just here, wiping my tears for me.

I want to believe you were just with me, Jessica, trust me. Because I was losing my mind, and I just want you to tell me, like you always did, that you loved me and that you’d be back later. So when would you be back? When would later be now? Was that even possible? Because if it was, I would wait. But who was I kidding? I watched as they buried you. I was there as they covered your casket with dirt.

Who would hug me in the morning, whilst waking me up? Who would whisper sweet things to me? Who would be the one sleeping in the closet because they didn’t want to disturb me? Who would encourage me when things were tough? Who would sing with me on Karaoke nights, helping me stay on key? Who would I say ‘I love you, too,’ to? Who would I plan an anniversary with? Who would I promise being old with? Actually, how would I even keep that promise when I was now alone? And as I just stay in this place, the scent that was always you lingered in my nose, as though telling me you were really there.

"Tonight, why don't you stay?"

In this small, dark space cramped with all our things, you were still there with and for me. My tears continued to fall as though it knew no end, and for days, I knew I’d be in this closet, just so I could still keep a part of you until I was okay. Even slightly okay.

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How do you really cope to losing somebody so dear to you? I know I cry once in awhile whenever I remember my cousin, who passed 4 years ago. She was like an older sister I never had. So I thought, how would someone, who lost their lover, feel? I think it would be really painful. I think I'd react as close to YooNa in this story.  And that's why I wrote it coz it just hit me... that pain is unimaginable.  

Comments? Thoughts? Concerns?