The room was quiet, only disturbed by the noises from the TV in the front room and the muffled words and laughter from the four youngest. It was one of those rare mornings where they had no schedule, and Himchan had taken advantage of the situation by claiming to be far too exhausted to get up just yet. Yongguk seemed to have understood, because he had merely mumbled something before turning his back on everyone when they tried to get him out of bed.

After they had finally given up and a barely-awake Zelo had followed the other three into the living room, Himchan had crawled into bed with a warm and willing Yongguk, who had given him a sleepy smile and wrapped his arms around him immediately. That was something Himchan always liked about mornings like these: Yongguk was a lot more open to cuddling then, especially with no one else around.

Himchan rested his head on Yongguk’s chest and traced a line along the other’s collarbone, humming contently when Yongguk slid a hand under his shirt and rested it on the small of his back. He bit his lip and decided it was time to ask the question that had been on his mind for a while now, but that had he been too scared to ask because he didn’t know what answer to expect.

“Bbang?” he started, hesitantly. When Yongguk turned his head to him quizzically, Himchan took a deep breath, more to procrastinate than anything else. “Do you think… Will we ever go public?”

A long, pregnant pause followed, until it was broken by a sigh coming from Yongguk’s mouth. Himchan felt a pang in his chest, knowing exactly what the other would say. He moved to get up, but Yongguk had foreseen this and quickly gripped him tightly, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Himchan…” Another sigh when the visual refused to meet the other’s eyes. “I wish I could tell everyone you’re mine, you know I do, but just think of the repercussions. We don’t live in a gay-friendly society, and I couldn’t care less what people say or do to me, but I care about what would happen to you. Not to mention the other guys, because we could get the group in serious trouble. Hell, we could get the entire company in trouble.”

Himchan hated it when Yongguk made sense. And it wasn’t as though this hadn’t occurred to him. He knew Korea wouldn’t be very accepting of them, and had heard plenty of stories of celebrities who had been brave enough to come out (or had been outed by others) and had had their careers ruined, or worse. And it was true: the entire group would suffer, not to mention everyone else in the company, unless they all openly distanced themselves from him and Yongguk. And that wouldn’t exactly be an ideal situation either.

“I know,” Himchan finally said, feeling Yongguk relax underneath him at the realisation that he had understood. “Let me just ask you one more thing: if we hadn’t been in B.A.P, if we hadn’t been idols at all, would you have been willing to do it then?”

Yongguk hesitated just long enough for a wry smile to appear on Himchan’s face. He pushed Yongguk’s hands away when the other tried to hold onto him and got to his feet. “Good to know,” he said as he turned away, though a hand on his arm stopped him. He exhaled, annoyed, and glared at Yongguk, who was giving him a pleading look.

“Look, I told you, I’m worried about you. We don’t even know how our families would react, we don’t know what people might do to us – to you – if they find out.”

Himchan snorted and ripped his arm away. “So you think I’m weak, is that it? You think I can’t handle a few dirty looks left and right?”

“It could be more than a few looks, and you know it,” Yongguk replied, irritation crawling into his voice too now. “I know you can handle yourself, but is it really that wrong that I don’t want to risk you coming home covered in bruises? We don’t know what people might do!”

“I’d be fine as long as I knew you were by my side,” Himchan answered shortly. “I can understand hiding our relationship when we’re in the public eye, because I’m not stupid. But knowing you’d want to hide it no matter what…”

“Because our country would never accept us,” Yongguk said with forced calm.

“So we’d move!”

“It’s not that easy,” Yongguk sighed, and Himchan thought he might actually be getting angry for once. That didn’t stop him, though. Of course he knew it wasn’t that easy, and of course he knew there’d always be a struggle, famous or not, but he was tired, so tired, of having to pretend to be someone he wasn’t.

“We could at least try,” Himchan said stubbornly. “Because eventually there will be questions: when are we getting married? When will we have kids? Right now we can say we’re too busy for that stuff, but what about ten, twenty years in the future? Will we still be pretending we’re just friends? And even if we’d break up, people would find out I’m into men at some point. You can’t protect me forever.”

Yongguk gazed at him solemnly, but seemed to be at a loss for words. Himchan stared back, his shoulders slumping.

“If you’re too scared, just tell me. I will understand, but don’t pretend it’s for my sake. If you really don’t want me to get hurt, then don’t let me think we don’t have a future at all.” He swallowed hard and blinked rapidly. “I won’t be your dirty little secret.”

Yongguk gave him a pained look, but before he could say anything, a small voice from behind them spoke up.

“Hyungs? We heard shouting… Are you okay?”

Himchan turned around and smiled at Junhong gently, nodding his head. “Don’t worry, we’re fine.” He walked over to him and ruffled his hair, but as he moved to step around him Yongguk finally spoke up.

“Himchan, wait-”

“No,” Himchan said firmly, looking at the rapper over his shoulder. “We’re done.” He held out his hand when Yongguk got closer and clenched his jaw. “I mean it. We’re done.”

He brushed past a shocked Junhong and ignored the genuine hurt on Yongguk’s face. Perhaps he had been too harsh, but he really was sick of it and he just wanted to know this was serious, that he wasn’t alone. Before their debut, before he had even met Yongguk or any of the others, he had briefly dated a guy he had been absolutely crazy about. Briefly because he had turned around one day and joined in on mocking Himchan when there were rumours he had a boyfriend. At the time he had denied it – also because said boyfriend had acted like they had never met – and people had believed him in the end, but he had later vowed never to be in that situation again.

Logically, he knew Yongguk wasn’t like that. If it would come out, Yongguk would never be as cruel as this boy had been, but all Himchan wanted was some assurance that he’d not only choose his side, but that he’d be by his side, that he wouldn’t let Himchan face it all on his own. He admitted to himself that he hadn’t worded it very well, but Yongguk hadn’t said anything at all.

He tugged on his coat as he stormed outside, ignoring the three confused faces on the settee, and vaguely wondered if Yongguk would come after him.

But he didn’t. Life wasn’t a cliché romantic comedy, after all, and over the next few weeks they barely spoke. He could tell Yongguk wanted to talk to him, could see it in the way he looked at him, how he sometimes opened his mouth but then simply sighed and walked off. Youngjae had come to him after having found out what was going on and had told Himchan to give it time.

“He loves you and you love him. Have some faith in him, alright?”

Himchan had smiled weakly, though he appreciated the effort. Still, faith or not, the fact remained that all they had talked about had been related to their upcoming concerts, and even that had often gone through the other members. No kisses, no touches, no Yongguk. During practices their contact was limited to Yongguk telling him what he was doing wrong, and when it came to dance moves he had actually put the two maknaes in charge. Himchan wondered why no one had commented on the tension between them yet, because surely it was palpable. It certainly was to him.

The good thing about them being as busy as they were was that Himchan at least managed to sleep okay, simply collapsing on his bed as soon as they returned to the dorm and barely being able to drag himself out of bed in the morning. Not ideal, but it kept nightmares away, and that was really all he cared about. What he didn’t like, though, was the lack of excitement he had for the concerts. They would be performing in Seoul two nights in a row again before continuing on, but Himchan felt even worse about them than he had done about their very first tour, when he had initially been unable to participate due to his broken hand. At least then he had had Yongguk’s support.

Himchan wondered whether Yongguk had taken his ‘we’re done’ to mean that they should break up, but he was too scared to ask him about it in case this was true. He sometimes wished he had simply kept his mouth shut or had at least explained to Yongguk why it was so important to him to know. Maybe things would have been different then. Maybe not.

Their first concert night had been pretty much a blur to Himchan, as he had expected, although he had done his best to smile and pretend he was having the time of his life. His dongsaengs had kept him entertained and of course he adored seeing the fans, but Yongguk had still mostly avoided him, always making sure there was someone between them. Himchan had looked at the crowd, seen the fans singing along enthusiastically, and wondered if he would truly be willing to risk giving all this up just for Yongguk. Well, maybe if he believed there was such a thing as ‘just Yongguk’. No matter how much he loved their fans, Yongguk would never be ‘just’ anything to him, and he liked to believe that the real fans would stick around. Hopefully.

Not that it mattered, because he didn’t seem to be anything to Yongguk at all anymore. When he had tried to sit down for the fan photo at the end, he hadn’t even realised he was about to sit down next to Yongguk until the leader had quickly placed Jongup between them. The boy had given Himchan an apologetic look, but he had simply smiled in return and wrapped an arm around Jongup’s shoulder, hoping he didn’t look as devastated as he felt.

And now he was getting ready for their second concert night, which he felt might be even worse for him than the first. For some reason everyone seemed to be weird around him today, though he couldn’t fathom why. He had contemplated asking manager Kang for a day or two off so he could go visit his family, having come up with the idea the night before when he had stared over at Yongguk’s bed. He needed to clear his head, that much he knew, but Kang had been giving him odd, calculating looks all day, and he didn’t know what to make of it.

Secret noonas were there too tonight, and for some reason they had all given him tight hugs before wishing him good luck and rushing over to their seats. Untouchable hyungs had clapped him on the back and given him the same look Kang kept giving him, though they eventually smiled and told him he’d do great. Even their dancers had been whispering among each other, though they stopped and grinned at him whenever he got too close.

He had no idea what was going on, but he was quickly growing paranoid. It didn’t help when he went to find Jongup, hoping he’d be able to distract him, and instead found Youngjae and Daehyun talking to each other very seriously and, what made him truly suspicious, quietly. Quiet wasn’t a word he ever associated with the two, but before he could question them about it, he was being ushered to the stage. Junhong gave him a nervous, though excited, smile when he got there, and Jongup squeezed his hand encouragingly. Most surprising, though, was when he glanced over at Yongguk and found the other looking back at him, a small smile playing across his lips.

He furrowed his eyebrows, wondering why everyone seemed to know something he didn’t and unsure whether he should be worried or not. When the concert began, he decided to try to put it out of his mind, lest he go completely insane. It didn’t really work, but the fans seemed unable to tell something was going on, and he supposed that would do. Near the end of the concert, though, things started getting weird.

They had just finished one of their MCs and Himchan was getting ready for their final song, but the music never started playing. Confused, he glanced over at the others, who were looking at him anxiously. He raised his eyebrows but willingly let Daehyun him over to Yongguk, who managed to look embarrassed and determined all at once. When the lights focused on them and the rapper raised his microphone to his mouth, Himchan’s heart started doing somersaults in his ribcage. He looked over at the other four with wide eyes, but they all had their eyes on Yongguk, though Daehyun’s lips twitched slightly.

“Ahh…” Yongguk chuckled and raked a hand through his hair shyly, seemingly unsure of what to say. His eyes met Himchan’s and he smiled at him before finally beginning to speak. Himchan had trouble hearing it all, his heart pounding too loudly, but from what he understood Yongguk was telling the fans that although they were the most important thing to him, there was one thing that was even more important.

“Or, one person,” he explained, the fans reacting to these words immediately. He glanced over at the shocked Himchan again and opened his mouth to continue, but shook his head and smiled instead.

Without saying another word, he placed a finger under Himchan’s chin and tilted his head up. Himchan saw how he swallowed nervously before leaning in and pressing their lips together. Somewhere, there were people shouting, but he couldn’t tell what they were saying and, frankly, he didn’t care. He kissed back eagerly, the noise soon nothing more than a murmur as he clung to Yongguk’s shirt.

A/N: I... am not happy with this. *snorts* I might rewrite it in the future, but for now it will have to do. I'm especially unhappy about the ending (and getting to the ending, for that matter), but my Yongguk muse seemed to insist. I'll have a word with him later. Anyway, sorry for the crappiness. >_<

Now, some things I didn't actually explain: Yongguk was avoiding Himchan because of his little plan and he had gone around asking the company and everyone in it for their approval. I doubt they'd let him do it in real life, but that's why it's fiction. :P I ended it there because I've decided to leave it up to to the reader to decide what they want/think the reaction will be. I like to pretend it was very positive and that people were very encouraging, though I'm not saying that's what I really think would happen. Judging from what I've read about openly gay Korean celebrities, it's not (I can only think of one person who ended up okayish, all things considered, but I could be wrong).