CHAPTER FOUR

Kyungsoo doesn’t know where else to look, so he settles for staring at his upturned palms, which rest idly on his lap, recounting the events that had transpired in the last couple of hours and trying to make sense of how it had all culminated in him being alone with Jongin in his car.

He couldn’t decide if it was a result of the lingering effects of the alcohol or if he were just overwhelmed from being in such close proximity of Jongin again, but his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his ribcage. He closed his eyes and consciously took deep breaths — inhale, exhale — trying to get a grip of himself, and grapple with how surreal everything felt right now…

It would be a blatant lie if Kyungsoo even tried to deny the fact that he had fantasised about seeing Jongin again. (More often than would be considered healthy, if he were being completely honest.) He had imagined every possible scenario where he might run into Jongin, had scripted the conversation that they would have countless times, but none of that had prepared him for this situation.

Opening his eyes slowly, he snuck a glance at Jongin from his peripheral vision and felt his breath hitch again just by looking at him. The city lights were spilling in from the window, casting Jongin in an almost ethereal glow and Kyungsoo found himself being in awe at the thought that he had ever been loved by someone so beautiful. (He didn’t dare to think about the question of whether Jongin still loved him now, though deep inside he already knew the answer.)

Kyungsoo startles when he feels Jongin’s palm settle over his left hand, the latter having taken his off the steering wheel to reach out to him.

“You alright?” Jongin asks in a quiet voice and it’s only then that he realises that he had been shamelessly staring at his side profile for the past couple of minutes.

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to speak, but finds the words dying in his throat. He sighs inwardly at how immaturely he was behaving and soon feels Jongin’s hand giving his a gentle squeeze, almost as if he could sense his hesitation. He doesn’t know what it is about Jongin’s touch, but it settles him considerably.

“You….” He begins slowly, and Jongin hums in encouragement, his eyes still on the road while Kyungsoo scrambles for something to say. “…your hair is blonde.” He finishes pathetically, and mentally gives himself a solid kick for sounding so ridiculous and just blurting out the first thing that came to his mind.

Jongin pauses for a moment before a slow grin spreads across his face and he lets out a chuckle that sends vibrations down Kyungsoo’s spine, all the way to his toes. “Astute observation.” Jongin seizes the opportunity at a red light to throw a smile in the elder’s direction. “Do you like it?” he asks, before he looking back in front.

Kyungsoo nods, not knowing what else to say. Then, on an afterthought, he realises that Jongin might not have seen his response, so he thinks about it again and settles for something else, something more honest: “I don’t know…”

He really didn’t know. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to feel about Jongin looking so different, he didn’t know how to feel about Jongin reappearing in his life, he didn’t know what to make of this situation and he didn’t know whether it was right that he still felt so strongly about Jongin until now. If there was one thing he did know, it was that he didn’t know anything.

They lapse back into silence, but this time Kyungsoo is more at ease. Jongin doesn’t take away his hand away from Kyungsoo’s lap and so he weaves his fingers through Jongin’s and ponders over how it was possible that Jongin was simultaneously the root of his anxiety and his biggest source of comfort. The small gesture doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongin, but the elder misses the slight smile that forms on his lips.

It is only after they have been been on the road for a considerable amount of time that Kyungsoo notices that Jongin was driving down a familiar road, one that he hadn’t taken in years — Jongin was driving him back to the house he used to live in — and it only dawns on him then that he hadn’t told Jongin where he lives (and Jongin had never asked).

“Jongin, you’re going the wrong way.”

“I am?” Jongin’s eyes quickly flick over to him.

“Yes, I don’t live there anymore.” At this, Jongin actually turns to face him in surprise.

“When did you move?”

“A couple of years ago… after my mum died” …after you left, he adds, but doesn’t say.

“Oh…” Jongin pauses thoughtfully and Kyungsoo wonders about what’s going through his head.

“So then,” Jongin squeezes his hand again. “Where do you live now?”

“Dangsan-dong…” Kyungsoo swallows. “You can take a left from here.”

* * *

After Jongin parks his car, he insists upon escorting Kyungsoo right up to his doorstep and the latter allows him to because he can’t seem to conjure up a reason to reject the offer. On the contrary, he invites Jongin into his home instead for a warm drink, reasoning with himself that “it was only polite” to do so, considering that Jongin had just given him a lift home.

Yes, he convinced himself, he was only doing this because he wanted to thank Jongin and not because the thought of saying goodbye made him inexplicably sad.

“This is pretty cosy.” Jongin comments as removes his shoes and steps into the apartment, taking in his surroundings.

Kyungsoo’s home isn’t big, but it isn’t too small either. There’s only one bedroom, but it’s all that Kyungsoo really needs, as well as a fully functional kitchen and a relatively spacious living room.

“It’s a nice place.” Jongin confirms, as he looks around, spying stacks of books piled up on the floor by Kyungsoo’s bookshelf of which was filled to maximum capacity. Even then, Kyungsoo had still managed to make that scene look neat. Some things just don’t change, and he smiles at the thought of Kyungsoo standing at that shelf after a long day at work and trying to pick something out to read.

“Please make yourself at home.” Kyungsoo says quietly as he waddles to his bedroom. “Let me change into something more comfortable and I’ll be right out.”

“Alright,” Jongin replies as he continues his perusal of the house. Kyungsoo had done a good job of decorating the place, if he could say so himself. The interior was simple, but it was distinctly Kyungsoo in the way that it was clean and mi