When people looked at Jinwoo, they almost always took him at face value.

'Superstar,' they thought. Or maybe, "Is he a Japanese actor?"

The thing was that every inch of Jinwoo screamed perfect. No one saw that he was horrible at directions, was a big dork at heart and laughed at the stupidest jokes. All people did was look at those beautiful deer eyes and said this boy was perfect.

But Mino always thought that Jinwoo's true self was shown in his hands and not his face.

*********

"Hyung, why are your hands so rough?" Mino's fingers brushed against Jinwoo's hands as the older boy passed him the keys to their dorm.

"Ah? My hands? They've always been like that." Jinwoo's reply was dismissive. He avoided Mino's eyes as the door was opened and they walked into the dorm together.

Mino wouldn't let the matter go. He took Jinwoo's hand in his own and examined them. The slim white fingers were riddled with shiny scars, so thin and pale they were almost invisible and there were calluses on his palms. Mino almost missed four tiny scars on the inside of Jinwoo's palm. He realised that the scars would have come from Jinwoo clenching his fists so hard that his nails had dug into his skin; leaving imprints so deep they drew blood.

"C'mon hyung, you can tell me," Mino pressed on as he and Jinwoo entered their dorm. It was long past midnight and the both of them were returning to their dorm after practicing late together. Jinwoo had wanted to go through their dance routine again and Mino had volunteered to help him. Seung Hoon and Taehyun had gone home earlier; looking like they were on the verge on collapsing. Seung Yoon had wanted to work on their self-composition alone.

Jinwoo sighed. Mino noted that the bags under his eyes were thicker than ever but Jinwoo still managed a tired smile.

"I used to help my father," Jinwoo said finally, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper. "Fishing, you know. There were these trawl things that we'd use to catch squid. When you baited them, you had to be careful because they were spiky and sharp as hell. It took me a while to get it right … that's why the scars. But I got it in the end. Practice, you know." Jinwoo ended his story with a little shrug, like it was nothing.

Mino's eyes softened and he squeezed his hyung's hand softly before letting go. Jinwoo's voice had been ladened with homesickness and a deep sadness. Mino felt his own heart ache with something like pity, understanding and sadness all jumbled together.

It was absolutely silent in the dorm. Jinwoo met Mino's eyes and something seemed to pass between them. Mino heard Jinwoo take in a deep shuddering breath. Slowly, softly, words poured out of Jinwoo's mouth. The older boy seemed to speak hesitantly, with a pause between his words every now and then like he was giving Mino a chance to end the conversation, to turn away. But Mino stayed by his side, listening quietly as Jinwoo described his past. Sometimes Mino would draw in a breath, like he wanted to saw something but he held the words back.

He saw that Jinwoo wasn't looking at him anymore. The older boy's gaze seemed to go right through Mino. He thought knew what Jinwoo was seeing; the rough, wave-beaten shores of Imjado island, the faces of his family … the crinkled eyes of his father.

In that moment, Mino saw the real Jinwoo.

*********

They got the news in the practice room.

Mino had already begun to associate practice rooms with bad news after all the bull they've been though. All four of them had been waiting for Jinwoo before starting practice when their manager burst into the room. Mino took one look at his face and knew he wasn't going to like whatever's coming. He knew how bad news looked like. He recognized the wide eyes and the twisted lips. The question in their eyes and the struggle to keep a calm façade. He had seen that look far too many times.

"What, manager-nim? What is it? What happened?" Mino stood up, his voice rising with every syllable. Everyone in the room was looking at him. They didn't know what was coming. But Mino knew. He could feel it.  And he didn't want to hear it.

The manager couldn't seem to form the words. His mouth moved soundlessly. Like a goldfish, Mino thought randomly.

"What?" Mino growled, forgetting all formalities. Seung Yoon, Taehyun and Seung Hoon had joined Mino, watching their manager nervously.

"Jinwoo … J- Jinwoo …" The manager choked on his words. Mino resisted the urge to shake him. When he finally managed to say the words, they hit Mino hard, piercing his heart like bullets.

"Kim Jinwoo is dead."

Mino stood stock still. He didn’t hear right. He couldn’t have heard right. Of course, he didn’t hear right. His mind must be playing tricks on him.

"What?" Seung Hoon asked.

Their manager looked at each of their faces, pity in his eyes. They were tears trickling down his face and his nose was turning red. He seemed to realize that he was handling the situation badly and was slowly regaining his composure. He asked them to sit, a request they all ignored. The manager explained everything to them gently, like he was talking to children. Jinwoo had been rushing; he crossed the street just as the light turned orange. Some driver came careening around the corner. He never had a chance.

"'Dead on scene' was the term the paramedics used," the manager told them.

Mino couldn't really hear the words. It was like there was a wall of water between the manager and him. The words were distorted, unclear. Mino could easily pretend that he didn't hear them. If he didn't hear them, they couldn't possibly be true, right? The manager kept talking; words that Mino couldn't, wouldn't hear; things that weren't true. That couldn’t possibly be true.

Dimly, Mino realised that Taehyun had completely lost it. Their maknae collapsed to the floor, tears streaming down his face. Mino felt some vague surprise; Taehyun hardly lost his composure, even in private. Surely he didn't believe their manager. He must realise that this was some kind of prank. Jinwoo was going to appear at any moment now, laughing that ridiculously cute laugh, calling them all fools.

"Who's the gullible one now?" he would say. Mino could almost hear him. Maybe his hair would be a little mussed from running all the way here. Maybe he got lost or something. Now Mino could almost see him too, his shining eyes and bright smile, brightening the room effortlessly, the way only Jinwoo could.

Mino stood there, waiting; his reflection staring back at him from four different angles; his own empty eyes looking at him blankly. Mino didn't know how long he stood there. He was aware of a lot of people coming and going but they didn't seem real somehow, like grey phantoms that disappeared the moment you looked at them.

They were just waiting for Jinwoo-hyung. Jinwoo-hyung will come soon and they will start to practice. They have a comeback next month. Seung Yoon says everything has to be perfect.

"Mino-hyung."

Jinwoo will be back anytime now.

"Mino."

Anytime.

"Song Minho!"

Mino looked up, startled by the sound of Seung Yoon's loud voice so close to his ear.

"What? What is it? Is Jinwoo-hyung back?" Mino was surprised by how hoarse he sounded, like he hadn't spoken in years. This was bad. He was supposed to be taking care of his voice.

"You've been standing there for hours." Seung Yoon's voice was completely devoid of emotion. Mino looked at his face and saw that his eyes were just as empty. "It's time to go now."

"But … Jinwoo-hyung? He'll be here any moment. We need to practice. We have to –"

"Jinwoo isn't coming back." Seung Yoon cut him off in that same dead voice. "Stop denying it, Mino."

"What do you mean he is not coming back, Seung Yoon?" Mino struggled to get the words out. Something bad had happened, Mino knew. The very air seemed to be heavy with the weight of whatever had happened. Mino felt it at the back of his mind, writhing like an injured animal, demanding his attention. He could almost remember what it was. Almost.

"Mino, look at me." Automatically, Mino did as he was told. Seung Yoon's eyes looked like they were covered with ice. Cold and dead. "Jinwoo is dead. A car hit him. He's not coming back."

Just like that Mino remembered.

The light had just turned orange

He didn't check the corners

The car came out of nowhere

He didn't have a chance

Dead on scene

"No!" Mino pushed Seung Yoon away. Seung Yoon stepped back without even flinching. He just looked at Mino with those horribly flat eyes. "No," Mino repeated. "He said he was coming. He said he would be here!" Mino didn't know why he was shouting. His voice ricocheted off the walls, sounding ten times louder in the small room but Mino couldn't hear anything over the echoes of Seung Yoon's voice in his head.

Kim Jinwo is dead.

Dead.

Gone.

He's not coming back.

He felt a strong arm wrap around his shoulder. Seung Hoon pressed his face to Mino's shoulder. He was the only one crying. Taehyun wasn't here anymore, Mino realised as Seung Hoon's tears dripped through his short, onto his skin. The room was utterly empty except for the three of them.

"Mino-san, he isn't coming back. He can't. He's gone." Seung Hoon was hugging Mino now, holding him tight.

No, Mino thought.

He can't be gone.

He can't.

*********

The dark soothed Mino these days.

He used to hate it. The fact that he couldn't see anything; that somehow space could fool him in the absence of light. He always made sure to leave his night light on when the sun went down.

Not anymore.

Now, light only reminded Mino of what could have been. What should have been.

If the light were on, he would be able to see his calendar, on which Jinwoo had circled the date of their comeback in bright red marker. Strewn on the table would be able to see some of the fan gifts Jinwoo received that he had taken a liking too and borrowed. Pictures hung up on the wall: Polaroids of Winner after their first award, their first win, at tourists spots in Japan … in Imjado Island.

Mino turned over this bed, forcing his mind to go blank. No, he told himself. It was dark now, you can't see anything. You shouldn't be able to see anything.

But the images were burnt into his mind. He saw them when he closed his eyes and in his dreams

How do you erase something from your mind?

Mino pushed himself off his bed and paced his room. His toe hit something in the darkness and throbbed with pain. That was good. Physical pain was good. It distracted him from the ache in his heart and the agony in his mind.

Suddenly, the door to his room was thrown open and light flooded in, illuminating the remnants if Jinwoo that surrounded Mino. He flinched and covered his eyes, dark spots dancing across his vision. He could see Jinwoo, smiling out of the pictures on the wall. Even when he shut his eyes he could still feel the shadow of Jinwoo pressing down on him from every corner, suffocating him.

"Song Mino."

That voice. Mino was starting to hate that voice. Despising how cold and heartless it sounded.

"What is it? What do you want?" He turned his back to the figure in the door, throwing harsh words over his shoulder.

"Mino, you haven't eaten in days. Heck, you haven't gone out of this room in days. Hiding won't change what happened." Seung Yoon's words dropped from his mouth like boulders, piling up on Mino's chest.

Mino bowed his head, clenching his fists. Breath. He told himself. Just breathe.

"I'm not hiding," he forced the words out.

"Well, you can't just sit here in the dark like a coward," the hated voice continued.

Breathe.

"You think he would have wanted this?" Words piercing his heart like bullets, forcing themselves down his throat, suffocating him. "You running away from everything?  Refusing to face the world? You think Jin-"

"Shut up!" Mino yelled. "What the do you want? Can't you just leave me alone?"

"No, I can't." Seung Yoon didn't raise his voice. He just went on talking robotically. "You have to eat. You're going to fall sick. Starving yourself won't help us any." Seung Yoon the light which just pissed Mino off further.

"What the do you care? You don't give a damn, do you? Look at you, you don't care. You barely stopped to remember him. But then again, what am I saying?" Mino let out a humorless laugh. "Of course, you wouldn't. You don't think about anyone but yourself, do you, Kang Seung Yoon? You're Kang Seung Yoon the superstar, the perfectionist," Mino laughed, looking Seung Yoon square in his face. Seung Yoon's eyes lost their dead pan look and Mino saw a little flicker of anger in them.

"Don't you act like this isn't affecting me. Don't. You. Even. Dare." Seung Yoon spoke slowly, his voice low and deadly. Mino ignored the warning. He knew his words were hurting Seung Yoon. He wanted to hurt Seung Yoon. He wanted the younger boy to feel his pain. He wanted to see him suffer too. Maybe then this agonizing ache in him will stop and the ringing in his ears will fade away. "I bet you already made plans for our comeback. Did you change our name too? Erased his voice from the tracks?"

Seung Yoon's fist came out of nowhere, hitting Mino hard on the side of his face and Mino laughed, savoring the pain. Mino enjoyed how Seung Yoon’s looked like shattered glass, once so invincible, now just broken. He reached up to touch his cheek. A bump was rising there. It throbbed angrily when Mino touched it and pain shot through his head. It felt good, so good, to feel something from the outside. For once the agony within him dulled. Mino wanted more.

Just as he moved forward to grab Seung Yoon's shirt, he felt someone pull him back.

"Mino-san, stop." Seung Hoon's voice was calm. Mino never saw him enter the room. He just appeared. "Don't fight. You'll just hurt each other. Stop."

"It's your fault!" Mino yelled at Seung Yoon who was being restrained by Taehyun. The maknae barely managed to keep his grip on Seung Yoon. Seung Yoon jerked like Mino had dealt him a physical blow. "You always pressured him. If you weren't nagging him for something or other, he wouldn't have –”

"SHUT UP!" Seung Yoon roared, struggling against Taehyun. Seung Hoon pushed Mino onto his bed and held him down while Taehyun dragged Seung Yoon out.

No, Mino wanted to yell. Hurt me. Get in here and hurt me.

"Stop, Mino-san. Stop it." Mino looked into Seung Hoon's eyes which used to be filled with so much spirit. But that spirit was gone now. The sound of Taehyun's sobs penetrated the air again as he looked into Seung Hoon's sad eyes.

"He wouldn't have wanted this, Mino. Stop." Mino relented, collapsing onto his bed. No, Jinwoo wouldn’t have wanted this.

Jinwoo always wanted them to be happy. He never wanted anything else.

So why did he leave?

*********

"Look," Jinwoo showed Mino another of the dozens of fan letters they had received.

Jinwoo-oppa, be happy now. Your dreams have come true now. Smile again, oppa! Hwaiting!!!

"Aren't they adorable?" Jinwoo said happily, opening another envelope. Mino smiled in agreement.

"Ah hyung, our fans are just like hyung. Kawaii!!!" Mino leapt up and made some random aegyo poses. Jinwoo cracked up then joined Mino, both posing for an imaginary camera. After a while they stopped, tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

Mino looked into Jinwoo's laughing eyes and felt his heart soar. It had always amazed him that Jinwoo never called him dumb or stupid. That somehow his hyung always found him funny. It was such a small thing that Jinwoo gave Mino. Just his laugh. But Mino always felt on top of the world when he heard it. Like he could do anything. Be anyone.

In fact, sometime Mino thought that without Jinwoo, he would be nothing.

*********

Mino knew he had attended Jinwoo's funeral. He was quite sure he did. He had some vague recollections of climbing into a bus, avoiding Seung Yoon's eyes and sitting next to Seung Hoon quietly for the entire journey. Even on the ferry to Imjado Island Mino had huddled into one corner, turning his back to sea.

There were simply too many memories, ghosts of Jinwoo flitting in and out of the corner of his eyes. He tried to spare himself some pain by avoiding them.

Once, Mino would have chatted the entire journey away; cracking jokes, singing, annoying his team mates and their manager. And Mino would be able to hear Jinwoo's laugh the whole way.

That laugh was gone now.

And Mino wasn't funny anymore.

He was in the deepest, darkest hole of his world, surrounded by walls of his own misery.

The burial had been a haze of colors bleeding into each other and indistinct words. He remembered Seung Yoon walk as far away from him as possible and watching Jinwoo's father fall to his knees beside a dark, smooth wooden box. He didn't go anywhere near that box. He didn't let himself think about it.

All he could really remember was how beautiful it had been that day. The sky had been the brightest blue possible and the smell of the sea was strong in the air, bringing to mind hot sands and rolling waves. It was almost like the world was rejoicing, unleashing all its beauty into the earth and air.

Mino remembered thinking how wrong all of it was. The world shouldn't be beautiful. It should be black, black, black like his own heart.

Because Jinwoo wasn't here.

And nothing was beautiful anymore.

*********

"Mino hyung," The voice that greeted Mino was soft and hesitant. Mino looked up to see Taehyun’s pale face looking down at him.

He had been writing at his table. He wasn't sure of what were the words saying but he knew that they made him feel a little better. It was like he was taking a knife to his veins with every word he wrote but instead of a knife he held a pen and instead of blood, black ink flowed.

It was too much to keep in, bottled in his head, trapped in his veins. It was like his very blood was hurting him as it rushed through his body. Dark thoughts that lurked in the recesses of his mind. He knew it would be easy to stop this never ending pain. He had seen people do it before. A razor blade. Some pills. Simple house hold items that were the deadliest poison.

It would be so easy to let go.

If it weren’t for the cold voice in his head, Mino would have let go a long time ago.

You think he would have wanted this?

You running away from everything?  Refusing to face the world?

Mino didn’t know if he hated that voice or loved it. It was the only thing that made him hold on. Sometimes it was no more than a whisper, sometimes a roar. But Mino listened and he didn’t let go.

So he wrote instead.

Sometimes he imagined that the bleeding ink was his pain, leeching out of his fingers. It was his temporary release. His escape.

Taehyun’s voice brought him back to the present.

"Mino hyung, you should go out. Have you even seen the sun lately? You look like hell." Taehyun put a hand on Mino's shoulders, eyes pleading.

Mino nodded and mumbled some promises about going out soon. Taehyun just sighed, shaking his head as he left. He knew as well as Mino that the older boy wasn’t going to go anywhere.

Taehyun and Seung Hoon came to see him often. Their voices brought him news of the world outside, reminding him that out there the Earth was still spinning. Mino found it surprising sometimes. He was stuck in here in the hell hole he made for himself where every day was just hours of darkness to suffer though. But Taehyun and Seung Hoon were out there doing what he couldn’t bring himself to do. They were gritting their teeth and fighting their way through it.

Both of them had made their solo debuts. Seung Hoon was a big hit in Japan. Taehyun had a bunch of concerts coming soon. They had lives. They were moving on.

Neither of them ever mentioned Seung Yoon. And Mino didn't ask.

Without these two, Mino thought that he might have just died there in his hellhole. Food appeared outside his door three times a day. Mino assumed those two did that too.

He could see a light in their eyes and their smiles. They had accepted it and moved on. Mino understood that he couldn't mourn Jinwoo forever. He wanted to move on too. He hated how he weak he must seem to them, incapable of even stepping out of the shadows of his own room. He wanted to be free too. But how? How?

Mino went out that night.

He could feel the dark shadows of his room at his back. Ignoring it, he forced himself to leave, through the living room and out of the door. Mino was surprised, it was almost easy. He made himself walk faster; enjoying the liberation moving gave him.

He drew his hood low over his eyes and wandered the streets of Hongdae. The place was bright with lights as usual, with music blasting from every corner. Mino breathed in the air, which was heavy with the scent of food. He stomach grumbled. He felt like he hadn't properly tasted food in decades. Something inside him loosened and Mino felt light suddenly, like someone just took a heavy burden off him.

His eyes roamed everywhere, greedily drinking in the sights. He noticed a boy walk past him. Random details jumped out at him, how the boy was shorter than Mino but taller than average, light pink spot on his cheeks, grey hoodie drawn over his face, a black snapback in his hands that long white fingers were fiddling with. Mino thought he heard the boy laugh and the sound sent chills down Mino's back because of how familiar it was.

"It couldn't be," Mino thought. No, no, no. It can't be.

He felt his body lurch forward and just like that Mino was running. He reached the boy in mere seconds and grabbed his arm, turning the boy around.

"Hyung! You're here! I knew would come back. I knew you weren't gone. I told them! I told the-”

"What's your problem? ." The face under the hoodie was not Jinwoo's. The voice that snapped at him wasn't either. The stranger pushed Mino away carelessly.

Mino stood in the middle of the street, breathing hard. It had started to rain and the vendors were quickly cleaning up their goods. The boy wasn't Jinwoo, Mino told himself. He didn't look like Jinwoo. But what had Jinwoo hyung looked like? Mino felt panic rise in his chest, gripping his heart like a vise. Waves of pain battered him and Mino felt like a drowning man, struggling to keep his head above water.

He couldn't remember.
He couldn't remember.
He couldn't remember.

For the first time in god knows how long Mino let himself cry, his tears mingling with rain drops on his face, dripping onto his already soaked clothes. He fell to his knees, sobbing. His head hurt, his heart hurt, everything hurt. People said that a broken heart was just a metaphor. They didn't know this feeling, Mino thought. The sensation that your heart had someone been cleaved into two and pain was radiating out from somewhere deep in your chest. All Mino wanted to do then was rip his heart out to make it stop.

No, they didn't know the feeling.

It was cold in the rain. Mino wished the cold would seep through his skin and pierce his soul. Freeze it for all he cared. Anything to numb this pain, He pressed his fists to his chest, sobbing. Make it stop, he pleaded. To whom he didn't know. He just wanted it to stop.

Then, the cold vanished and warmth surrounded him. Familiar hands helped him up and strong arms guided him back home.

"Sorry, Jinwoo-hyung. I am so sorry." Mino sobbed over and over again. "I am so sorry." Mino wanted to get the hurt out. He didn't want this. He never asked for it.

"Help me, I'm so sorry."

Seung Hoon led Mino into the YG building. Mino gripped the sheets of paper in his hands and looked around nervously.