We came up without fear
Chasing after the shining stars above
Because I wanted to shine
Like the stars of the night sky
I go up on the narrow staircase

Seung Yoon sat on the roof of his dorm, looking out at the city of Seoul. It was long past midnight and the New Year had already come. The fireworks had gone off, the toasts have been made and the parties had ended. Now, all that was left was a silence. It wasn't an empty silence; you can't get a silence like that in Seoul. But it was the sort of silence you can get lost in; the kind where you can't really hear anything even if there's a sound. It was exactly what Seung Yoon needed just then.

Earlier, during the party at the YG bulding, YG-sajangnim had drawn him aside.

"Make this Winner's year, understand? Make me proud." There was a force behind sajangnim's words that shot them straight to Seung Yoon's heart. He had bowed and nodded. 'Of course' he had said. They will make it happen, Seung Yoon had promised.

He stared at the silhouette of the YG-building in the distance. How did they do it, he wondered. Big Bang sunbaenims ... Teddy hyung ... Lydia Paek noona... How did they make good music so easily? Seung Yoon knew they worked hard, they all did. But they had something else too. He had seen the YG producers and composers at work ... pulling random chords and words together effortlessly to form mind-blowing songs. It almost seemed like magic.

Every night Seung Yoon slipped quietly out of bed - trying not to wake Jinwoo - and grab his guitar. He would pass the doors of his team mates like a silent shadow and come up here; trying to find the silence he needed to look into his heart and let the music caged in there out. The practice room was no good. Seung Yoon felt trapped there, like an animal. It was reminded him too much of the days when the five of them walked a fine line between two choices: debut or disband. Three words that had weighed heavily on their hearts for six months... three simple words. Those days were over now and Seung Yoon didn't want to think of them. At least, not willingly.

So Seung Yoon came up here and let his fingers pick out chords and words flow from his pen. Sometimes he does it right and manages to coax words and melody to work together and evolve to something more, something ... magical. Seung Yoon loved that feeling. He lived for that feeling.

He didn't know what was it about the roof that let him compose. It wasn't the view, for sure. All around their dorm was the monotony of the city; buildings and streets that blended together in the night and twinkling lights of the city. Seoul's night sky wasn't much to look at either. The dull orange glow of countless street lamps bleached out the light of the stars but sometimes, just sometimes, Seung Yoon thought he could spot the cold glimmer of a star. Maybe it was just his imagination. He sighed, thinking about ironic was it that no one could see actual stars here in Seoul but thousands flocked to the city trying to be stars anyway.

"Happy New Year."

Seung Yoon almost fell of the roof in surprise. The voice that greeted him was low, clear and familiar. He turned to see Jinwoo at the door to the roof; clad as always in his gray hoodie. He had drawn the hood tightly around his face but Seung Yoon could still see Jinwoo's smile.

Seung Yoon had always thought that Jinwoo had the most amazing smile. Partially because it came so easily and hardly ever left his face. But eight months ago, Jinwoo lost his smile. All five of them had. Seung Yoon still felt the pain deep in his heart sometimes; the pain of having to constantly push harder and still not be enough, the pain of demanding more from himself until there was nothing left to give, the pain of having to squash the dreams of his brothers to achieve his own... but most of all the pain of losing Jinwoo's smile.

Seung Yoon reminded himself that that pain was gone now - or it was supposed to be - and Jinwoo's smile was back. He could see that smile peeking out shyly from that gray hoodie as Jinwoo walked across the roof to join him. He must be happy now. Their dreams were coming true. Everything they ever wanted was now within reach. Seung Yoon told himself that he was happy, and he really was. He was happy to be in Japan with the four people he now considers family. Making music made him happy too. But there was always this shadow at the back of his mind that reminded him that he had won this happiness from pain. Seung Yoon felt the shadow pressing onto his skin at night has he lay on his bed; drawing blood that trickled down his skin like ink. It was this shadow that pressed him to stay up at night and wear his fingers out on his guitar. He could escape the shadow here, in the endless light of the city.

And he knew he wasn't the only one who felt it.

"You're still up, hyung?" Seung Yoon asked, meeting Jinwoo's eyes in the darkness. He remembered his hyung snoring as he left the room. Jinwoo's snores ever bothered Seung Yoon much although Mino had already wrote a rap about how much it bothered him after sharing a room with Jinwoo for the first time.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" Jinwoo looked at Seung Yoon, his sweet smile never leaving his face. Jinwoo was as good as hiding his feelings as Seung Yoon. No one looking at the smile now could believe that just a few months ago, this same boy cried himself to sleep when he actually left the practice room. No one, except those who had known him before. There was a shadow behind Jinwoo's pure eyes too. The same shadow that kept Seung Yoon up at night. But they never talked about it.

Jinwoo's heart was as pure as his eyes were, Seung Yoon knew that. The boy never wished harm on anyone and was about as dangerous as a kitten. Looking at Jinwoo just then, Seung Yoon vowed that Jinwoo would never lose his smile again. Never again. Seung Yoon had made several vows like this during the three long years that they had been together.

***************************

The first was never to leave Jinwoo. He swore this to himself as he sat with his arms around his hyung as yet another trainee, yet another friend, fell short of YG's standards and was told coldly to leave. Their friend had packed all his bags and left within the hour. Seung Yoon watched Jinwoo's shoulders cave in and caught him just as his hyung's knees gave out. Seung Yoon had always been the strong one. He hardened his heart and froze his tears. Jinwoo needed him and he couldn't collapse when his hyung needed him.

The second vow - never to hurt Jinwoo - he made as Jinwoo's hot, salty tears trickled down Seung Yoon's skin after YG-sajangnim devoured Jinwoo alive for his slip up in from of JYP. Seung Yoon blamed himself for each of Jinwoo's tears. He shouldn't have switched the songs. He should have picked a song Jinwoo knew well. He should have helped Jinwoo. He should have insisted that they practice more. That night he lay in bed hating himself as Jinwoo tried to stifle his sobs in the next bed. He heard his hyung whisper "What am I going to do?" to himself over and over again until he couldn't take it anymore. Getting out of bed, he wrapped his arms around Jinwoo and let his hyung cry into his chest. He was strong, Seung Yoon reminded himself.

Jinwoo hyung was strong too. Seung Yoon watched as his hyung sang better, danced better and smiled more as the end of their torture grew closer and closer. But Seung Yoon still saw the doubt in Jinwoo's eyes and the fear there. The same shadow that cloaked Seung Yoon's heart lurked behind Jinwoo's eyes too. And Seung Yoon hated it. It wasn't supposed to be there. He didn't want it to be there. 

So now he made his third silent vow to Jinwoo. He swore that Jinwoo will never lose his smile ever again. Seung Yoon will battle that shadow for him. He will carry the weight of the world on his shoulders if it meant that Jinwoo could be happy. Let the shadow hurt him. let the shadow keep him up at night. As long as Jinwoo never had to go through that hell ever again.

Seung Yoon had kept every single vow he had made and he wasn't about to stop now.

*****************************

"Seung Yoon-ah, are you okay?" Jinwoo's voice brought him back to the present with a jolt.

"Yeah. I'm fine, hyung. I'm just ... thinking." Seung Yoon's voice was hoarse when he replied and he noticed worry flicker in Jinwoo's eyes. So he smiled -it was easy, and he had had enough practice - and the worry disappeared.

"I was thinking too. That's when I noticed your bed was empty. I figured you'd be up here." Jinwoo smiled at Seung Yoon again before turning his eyes to the lights of Seoul. "It's a bit hard to take in, isn't it? A new year... our new life... all of these good things... and it's the year of the Blue Horse too!" Jinwoo's smile grew wider, if that was even possible. "That's definitely good luck on our side. Don't you worry, Seung Yoonie. We'll do well."

"Who said I was worried?" Seung Yoon replied. Jinwoo just looked at him. Seung Yoon turned away. Jinwoo knew him too well. It was true that he related to Taehyun the most but Jinwoo could read him like an open book sometimes.

He studied Jinwoo's silhouette thinking about the words of the fortune-teller that had visited them.

'The name Winner will have a particularly good effect on one of the members... and that member is Kim Jinwoo'.

Seung Yoon already saw it happening. Jinwoo was happier now than he had ever been before. His confidence was growing too. As was his skill. Sometimes, Seung Yoon felt so much pride and happiness looking at Jinwoo and the other three members that now made up his family that he thought his heart would burst.

They stood there quietly for a while; breathing in the night air, lost in their own waking dreams of the future with the shadow of what could have been lagging behind.

"Play something," Jinwoo said suddenly. Seung Yoon obliged. His fingers moved on their own, picking out the chords that the knew better than the back of his own hands. The first soft strains of music filled the air and Seung Yoon saw the flash in Jinwoo's eyes when he recognised the song. Breathing in deeply, Jinwoo began to sing. Seung Yoon watched him with a smile on his face, loving the way Jinwoo raised his eyebrows slightly at the end of each line and the way his eyes seem to be looking at something far away.

"Walking down the endless road
Following that smiling light in the distance
Walking out of that silent darkness
I want to smile brightly as well"

Another voice sounded from the door way, spitting out the next words fiercely as way his way.

"As always, my gun is pointed upwards, ready to shoot those who tower above me"

Seung Yoon stopped playing, looking up in surprise. The sleep-drawn faces of Seung Hoon, Taehyun and Mino looked back at him. They were still blinking sleep away but there were smiles on their faces.

"Don't stop," Mino told Seung Yoon, crossing the distance between them easily and throwing an arms around his shoulders. Taehyun went to stand beside Jinwoo, laying his head softly on the elder's shoulder. Seung Hoon stood beside Taehyun, looking at all of them happily. Seung Yoon started playing again and they sang together, their voices climbing higher as the of the song approached.

"Yeah we'll go up, up, up, up, uh, uh, up, uh, uh up."

It was the perfect song for the moment, Seung Yoon thought. They were going up and this was the highlight of their lives.

Seung Yoon felt his heart fill with an almost unbearable happiness again as he looked at the four boys have become more than his brothers. Seung Hoon with his fierce yellow spirit with dance in his blood and fiery rap. Taehyun's mysterious purple aura and high voice rising above them all. Mino's hoarser, deeper tone with a heart smouldering with red fire and Seung Yoon's own blue soul.

Then, there was Jinwoo, their centre. Jinwoo anchored them and held them together, like the green Earth around them.

They were so different but they were perfect together, like how the colours of a rainbow looked perfect together.

Together, they were Winner.

Throw your worries up to the sky, blow up
You've got us, get up
Let us hold hands and raise them high, hands up
We'll win this together