Tao combs his hair for the sixth time and then stares at himself in the mirror.

It still doesn’t look right. The scar on his eye is barely hidden by his dark bangs and he looks more like a manga character than anything else. He sighs, somehow, unable to feel angry about his situation, because it is where he wants to be.

In the background, there’s music playing. Some playlist that Kris made for him way back when they were getting to know each other. Those were the good days, where hardly anything else mattered outside getting to know each other.

It is painful to remember. But Tao holds his head high, tries his best to look normal, despite been the ing mess that is an existence lived on the brink of madness. Wearing your heart on your sleeve, comes with a heavy price.

The worst by Jhene Aiko is playing in the background, it’s a slow song, paved with lyrics that Tao can relate to in every single way, and it makes him mad because he still hasn’t made any progress, isn’t coming any closer to getting over Kris.

After all that’s happened, after all the voicemails and unanswered texts, there was this one phone call. It lasted an hour and all the time, Kris felt like he was tangoing with the devil, or maybe one of his princelings. For 60 or so minutes, Tao felt the danger of being in love with someone that was totally not his.

It is thrilling, to love someone that is forbidden to you, by every single law of morality. Maybe because love makes you give the finger at whatever makes you believe that you don’t deserve it. Maybe it’s simply because Tao is exhausted and that he doesn’t want to be denied anymore.

Tao pops his neck and exits his bathroom, slides on his leather jacket, double checks his look in the mirror before leaving his apartment. The gun in his pants makes him a bit uncomfortable, but it’s nothing he isn’t used to. He’s been carrying it around for weeks now, for the same reason he picked up smoking. Somehow, doing crazy, suicidal things, makes him feel more confident about himself.

And now that he knows what it feels to be like Kris, to have the world at his feet, Tao doesn’t feel like slowing down. He walks on the street, strutting like a model. Everyone stares as he walks by, everyone but the one person he truly cares about.

Tao walks into the nearest bar. He keeps his shades on, keeps a low profile and sits in the only unoccupied space; the back corner. He’s early, but he doesn’t care. He nearly jumps when someone quickly joins him, but when his eyes settle on the bleached blonde hair, the self-confident expression and the perfect face of Kris Wu, Tao’s body temporarily shuts down.

It’s not that Tao is obsessed, but his love for Kris isn’t exactly sane either. Tao knows that Kris is married, happily. He also knows that Kris has certain issues, such as arrogance and contempt, but Tao doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because when he chose to fall for Kris, he chose to accept all of him. A generous offer, that Kris keeps refusing to this day. Partly because he is scared to Tao, partly because somewhere, in the past, he chose the perfect life over the happy life.

“You made it.” Kris says.

Tao doesn’t answer because he’s not sure he needs to. He takes his shades off and watches Kris’ eyes fall as he takes in the injury on Tao’s face.

“So… they weren’t able to save it.” Kris says, his voice is undeniably filled with regret and Tao loves the sound of it.

Tao still doesn’t answer, too thrilled to see that Kris kept his word for once and actually made it to one of their meetings.

Kris finally lifts his eyes and meets Tao’s empty eyes. Those he used to dream about and that now haunted him day and night.

“I’m sorry.” It sounds like a confession, but Tao doesn’t let himself be fooled. He concentrates on the moment, tries to forget the past.

Tao keeps silent. Hearing Kris apologize feels good. It feels good because Tao deserves an apology now more than ever. He doesn’t care that he’s almost solely responsible for his fate; Kris still gave him up. From the beginning, Kris always encouraged his feelings. Maybe it wasn’t consciously done, maybe it was all to satisfy Kris’ sick vanity, Tao doesn’t care. Because at some point he was convinced that Kris loved him. And that was almost enough.

Now Tao needed more. This might just be his only chance.

“Kris.” Tao calls.

He doesn’t miss any changes in Kris’ expression and he can’t ignore Kris’ hand that is suddenly resting on the table. He eyes it continuously, until Kris gets the subtle message and reaches over to take hold of Tao’s hand. Tao still can’t get over at just how big they are.

“Do you even love me?” Tao asks, after wetting his lips cautiously, as if it would ease the words that were going to come out.

Kris remains quiet for a long, long time. Finally, Tao realizes that he’s not going to answer and that maybe he needs to get passed it. Only, he can’t. So he waits. And waits. He waits until Kris’ sweaty hand becomes uncomfortable. Still, neither of them move, or speak, for what eventually transpires into a long five minutes.

Kris pulls his hand back at some point and by then, Tao’s only eye is red with tears and he can’t stop them.

“I’m sorry.” Is the only thing that eventually comes out of Kris’ mouth and he somehow cannot take it.

Tao reaches into his pants and discreetly pulls out his gun out and settles it on his thigh.

“That’s it? That’s what I get for loving a self-centered just like you?” Tao whispers, the bitterness transpiring in his voice.

Kris hears it. He hears the distinct click of the gun being readied and he suddenly grows very tense. Not because he’s scared, but because he realizes that he’s made the mistake of driving Tao this far and it is already killing him to know that. Tao realizes that Kris knows that he’s armed and everything suddenly becomes tainted with red.

“Tao… I am married.” Kris argues, sitting back in his seat.

“You married her after, Kris. If it’s any consolation, I slept throughout the whole day. Which is a miracle because frankly, I hadn’t slept in a week. I kept telling myself not to confront you, not to ruin your happiness, but for what? I thought it was because I loved you, but in the end, it was because I didn’t have the confidence to stop you.”

Tao’s finger glides dangerously over the trigger as the pain from those unhappy days return. Kris watches Tao closely, unable to look away from his one and only eye.

“You gave me this.” Tao says, pointing to his scared and useless eye with the tip of his gun. “Why exactly? Because you couldn’t handle that I was right?”

“Stop it, Tao.” Kris orders sternly.

Tao is tempted to listen to him, but he gives up after another long five minutes of tense silence during which Kris tries to find some way to reason Tao.

“Why? Are you going to make me totally blind? I’m the one with the gun.”

“You’re not going to shoot me.” Kris calmly states.

“Why?” Tao offers.

“Because you can’t live without me.” Kris suddenly states. Tao doesn't like it, the fact that Kris is so sure of himself even now, when Tao is pointing a gun at him.

“What makes you think that I won’t kill myself after I kill you?” Tao dares to argue back.

Kris frowns. He rubs his eyes and leans forward. “Tao, this won’t solve anything. If anything, you’ll make me leave behind two beautiful daughters that absolutely adore you that’ll grow up knowing you murdered the love of your life.”

“Shut up.” Tao says a little too loudly. It surprises Kris.

Tao sniffles and tries to stop the tears, but they’re abundant. Kris is touched by Tao’s distress. “I can’t be with you, Tao.”

Tao shakes his head, wiping the tears out of his eye.

“You have to accept it.” Kris continues.

“I don’t have to accept anything!” Tao says suddenly putting the gun to his own head. “Not from you. Not from your lying, selfish .”

Kris’ eyes widen and he almost gets up but every time he moves, Tao’s finger squeezes more tightly and he doesn’t want Tao to die. Not now. Not ever. He didn’t think Tao was already this far into depression and he didn’t think he would ever be confronted to choose between ending both or their lives or only Tao’s. Neither are acceptable in Kris’ mind.

“Tao…” Kris says very gently. And Tao shudders at the sound of Kris’ tone, but he doesn’t put the gun down.

Kris wishes someone would notice them, but at the same time, making a scene out of this wouldn’t help. It might just drive Tao to do the undoable. Kris is scared. He’s trembling. This isn’t what he wanted. This is not what he planned.

“Tao, please put the gun down. I…” Kris thinks twice but he still settles to tell Tao the truth for once. “I can’t live if you die either.”

Kris finally confesses and for a whole other minute, Tao believes him, but then he remembers that Kris is a liar and that he can’t handle any more of his lies. No more dreamless nights, no more lovesickness. Death suddenly sounds so delicious, just like all those other times, when Tao was alone staring at the sunset.

“Too late.” Tao mumbles.

“Tao!” Kris yells getting up. “I am not lying! Please!”

Maybe it’s the look in Kris’ eyes, maybe it’s the fact that the whole bar is suddenly paying attention to them that convinces Tao to just go ahead and let go. Completely and utterly.

Goodbye, Kris.