I can't do this anymore, not like this.

Every day is spent hoping, wishing for something that could never, ever happen, and that takes a toll on me. Every day, I lose another small piece of what makes me Kim Namjoon, and everyday, the mask that I wear starts to become me. 

Every day, I lose more of my sanity to the darkness that is my reality. 

Everyday, I fall apart, because the gravity that held me together has disappeared.

I don't know who I am anymore, because it was you who defined who and what I was. I revovled around you, because you were my life. My life was, and still is, undoubtedly, yours. My life was protecting you, providing for you, caring for you; and that was who I was.

Even though it was you that depended on me, in reality, it was the opposite. I depened on you to keep me from completely disintegrating, to prevent me from collapsing under the heavy burden of the suffocating facade that I have surrounded myself in.

Now that my support is gone, there is nothing preventing my inevitable collapse. The person I pretend to be is taking over, and I'm scared. What will happen to the person that is Kim Namjoon when all is said and done? Will you still be remembered in the imminent dissolving of my soul?

I don't want this.

I never did.

Please, just save me...

I can still remember the times before we were forced to worry for our lives, before we were harshly forced to grow up. They were beautiful times, and in times of need, I go back to those days, and relive  them.

I don't do it often though, just when I feel them fading away, because, once you start dreaming, it gets harder and harder to come back. It becomes harder to face what you have to. It becomes harder to do what you need to do

Wherever you are, do you still remember?

Where are you now, Hoseok?

It's strange, because, just yesterday, I saw you. You were serenely sitting in the tiny piece of white light that I'm blessed with. I called out for you, and your eyes were the smae as they always were, calm and content, warmth flickering generously, lighting up the bleak, grey walls better than any amount of sunlight could've done. But then you were gone.

You disappeared as soon as you came.

But, you're not here, I know that much. That's why I'm here, so you won't have to be.

Wherever you are now, I hope you're safe.

You spoke to me, yesterday. I heard your voice, I swear I did. But I know that you're not here, because I'm here. The only reason I'm here, is to make sure that you will never have to experience the pain that I'm going through. It's not fair for you to have to go through this hell.

So I'll make sure you don't have to

"My name is Jung Hoseok. I'm your friend now, Namjoon hyung."

"My... friend?"

"He's hurting me! Hyung, help me, please!"

"Did he hurt you too?"

"We can make him go away.."

"We can?"

"You can do it, hyung, just push it in a little bit further, and he'll be gone, out of our lives forever."

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?"

"What do we do now?"

"Don't leave me alone here!"

"HELP ME!"

Patient Kim Namjoon

Date of Birth : 
                       12 September

Family (living) : 
                         Parent/Guardian : Kim Jaehwang; Kim Yesol (biological) 
                         Siblings : Kim Jinah; Kim Hwayoung; Kim Jooyoung; Kim Hwajoon; Kim Taehyung (biological)

Family (deceased) : 
                               Parent/Guardian: Kim Jin; Kim Hwanhae; 
                               Siblings : Kim Jieun (biological)

Initial Diagnosis : 
                             Hallucinations; severe depression

Additional Notes:
                             Abandoned at age 10 by Kim Jaehwang and Kim Yesol, taken in by Kim Jin and Kim Hwanhae at age 12. Found guilty of first degree murder of Jin and Hwanhae at age 14. Found to be both physically and pschologically abused by both Jaehwang/Yesol and Jin/Hwanhae. Seems to hallucinate of someone named "Jung Hoseok", who apparently also provoked patient into murdering Jin/Hwanhae.

Handle with extreme caution all matters regarding Kim Namjoon.

I can't figure out where and when things went wrong
Everything feels lik a prison from which I must escape
I'm out of breath, it's hard to even stand up, there's no place to rest
Even the reason to endure is getting farther away
I fall and break every day
I hold onto my scar, which hasn't even had time to heal
As I run through the darkness endlessly

Run-Nell