Am I perfect yet?

“ARGH! Why the am I still 55kg?” I shouted as I weigh myself on the weighing scale for the nth time today.

“Youngjae, maybe you should… you know, relax on weighing yourself so often.” Daehyun said with a persuading tone.

“No! I can’t. The fans would be so disappointed to see if I gained weight again. I’ve got to lose it; you don’t understand it because you were always so skinny no matter how much you eat.” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes at him.

He could only sigh at the fact that I’m so obsessed with my weight (which I don’t think I am). I know he was concern about me ever since I started losing too much weight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to go on a diet because ever since I saw myself on television where they broadcasted us when we were at Singapore; I realize that I was fat, too fat to be exact. I wanted to see myself slim down and look good for once that’s why I went on a diet.

To be honest, I started out quite normally for my diet at first; I ate grilled chicken , vegetables and water, literally these 3 things to keep me alive every day. It was tasteless and disgusting, but I did not mind because you got to sacrifice things to get what you want. Soon, I my diet became a success and I felt really proud for losing my first 5 kilograms for the entire diet program.

It felt good when I lost it because I could see myself becoming slimmer and more handsome. The fans started to notice me more, telling me I’ve became handsome, telling me that my visual rank in their list has shot up to number 1, it felt pretty good actually.

There were so many comments and articles online about me losing weight that I could feel that all the attention was on me.

Yoo Youngjae weight loss!

From vocal to the next new visual.

Youngjae’s new body delights fans!

Comments like:

“Youngjae oppa~ you’ve become handsome”

“Wow! Youngjae became so handsome”

“Youngjae's body is so beautiful now.”

“He’s so pretty after becoming slimmer.”

"He totally stunned me with those body"

All those comments made me really happy. I wanted to please the fans more; I wanted to please myself even more. I was a total perfectionist; I wasn’t satisfied at how I looked like, I want to be even more perfect than the way I am now.

I started reading food labels, measuring and weighing portions of each meals, keeping a food diary, reading diet books. I started trying to cut down my food intake slowly, for breakfast, I ate an apple and a bottle of water; for lunch, it was just only 1 ½ piece of chicken and ¾ of vegetable salad and as for dinner, it’s just vegetable salad.  That was basically my daily meals. Every day after dinner, no matter how busy the schedule is; no matter how late we end, I will definitely exercise. This was literally how I lived for the past few weeks.

Alas, my hard work has paid off, I lost another 2 kilograms, but I was still not satisfied by it.

Current Weight: 62 Kilograms

I cut down on my food intake even more, breakfast, half an apple; lunch, a piece of chicken and ½ of vegetable salad; dinner was just ½ of the chicken . I exercised even more; I used to run for 30 minutes, doing 30 sit-ups every day, now prolonging it till an hour, doing 50 sit-ups every day . It was tiring and exhausting but it was worth it to me.

That diet was hard, I could hear my stomach growling in the middle of the night but I chose to ignore it. All I wanted was to look perfect. I lost a kilogram and I was angry, angry at myself for doing so much but not getting the result that I want.

I ended up refusing to eat anything that has carbohydrates and fats in it, considering them as “bad” food; I stopped eating the chicken , only eating the vegetable salad without the low-fat salad dressing and I started making this green disgusting looking drink made with spinach, kale, collard, mustard and some other green vegetables into it. It was high in fiber and low in calories, just the right thing for my diet. I made mountains of it; I would packed them into bottles and drink them every day after meals.

 I kept counting the number of calories I took; it wasn’t a lot to be honest, 300 calories was all I took, but I needed 2000 calories and above per day to keep my body healthy.

Every time I looked at the mirror, the only thing I saw was me being fat and ugly. I was so angry at myself. Why are you still so fat? Cut down more on food. Exercise more. I got so pissed off I smashed the full length mirror that was in the room me and Daehyun shared. The loud shattering of the mirror made my entire band members to quickly run over to the room to see what happened and if I was okay.

“Oh my god! Youngjae, you’re bleeding!” Daehyun quickly came over to me to check on my hand.

“I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”

“How can I not worry? Look at you.”

“I said I was fine already.” I tolerated while Daehyun checked my bleeding hand.

“Junhong-ah, get the first aid kit for-“

“I SAID I WAS FINE, DON’T YOU GET IT.” My voice became louder, almost bursting my anger on Daehyun.

“But I just-“

“Just. Get. Out.” I spoke trying to use my calmest tone as they quickly exit the room before I flared up.

My mood was always different every second. Sometimes, I would feel happy when we have a group chat about which girl group crushes we liked or maybe who would be the first solo artist after 5-6 years later, but the moment they got onto the topic of dieting or them being fat, I would just get so angry and them, saying they were fat when ALL of them were slimmer than me. 

I was prejudiced towards my own body. I felt something inside me, crawling out from the darkness in my mind. Something which was not supposed be there, something sinister was lurking around. My gut feeling told me to get rid of it as quick as possible before it destroys me, but it was too late. At that point of time, a voice, an evil one, in my head was born.

Current Weight: 60 kilograms

I started to skip meals often now; telling excuses like I wasn’t hungry or my stomach was not feeling too well. I knew those excuses can’t be used all the time so even if I ate, sometimes, when the members were not looking, I would just throw the food out of the window. Other times, I would cut really small tiny pieces to chew on and then later, I would spit it out no matter what, be it vomiting all of it out or just naturally puking because I ate too fast. I didn’t want to eat any more because now, all I need was the green vegetable mixed drink that I made.

You’re still fat. Useless .

I started misusing laxatives and water pills, trying to remove every digested food, literally everything from my body. I ate herbal appetite suppressants to avoid myself from being hungry all the time. I was satisfied that I did not eat much, however, every time I look at myself in the mirror, fat, was all I could think of.

Hmph, even after doing so much you’re still so fat. You’re useless, Youngjae, pathetic, you can’t even do this little thing right. Look at your arms, looking so flabby, gross. Those thighs, filled with fatty substances, everyone would obvious think you’re disgusting. Your stomach is the worst, bulging out like a pot belly; everyone obviously knows you’re fat. No one is going to like you if you’re still this fat, you can’t be helped anymore. Useless, fat, ugly, never loved.

My pride was hurt; my self-esteem lowered itself all the way to the ground. I felt like the most useless person on earth. I always felt jealous of idols that eats a lot and don’t get fat, and sadly, there’s one in my group who doesn’t, Daehyun.

I was always jealous of everyone in my group; Junhong’s height, Himchan hyung’s beautiful face, Yongguk hyung’s skinny legs, Jongup’s abs and Daehyun’s unending amount of appetite but never fat.

You need to be thinner. Thinner and you’ll look perfect.

I could not concentrate during dance practices and I always couldn’t keep up. Everyone was talking and chatting happily but I was there at one corner, calculating how much I weigh every day and how much I can eat daily.The members started noticing that I ate lesser, kept exercising and my clothes started becoming too loose for my current self to wear. My clothes became baggy and oversized for me. Even so, I was happy; I could finally see some results in my diet.

Current Weight: 56 Kilograms

Things obviously didn’t go well all the time; I started to gain a bit of weight. It was barely 500 grams and I was so mad at myself. “You stupid idiot, who asked you to eat that bread Daehyun offered you. Look what happened, that stupid assed bread caused you to gain 500 grams you dumb .” I muttered to myself as I weigh myself on the weighing machine. I wanted to hit myself hard onto a wall or something, I was pissed off.

I bet he offered that bread so that you'll gain weight and become fat again. Daehyun is ruining you.

I was angry at Daehyun, I can't believe he actually gave me that bread to make me fat so he'll look good. My mind was corrupted with thoughts that led me to ortracize myself from the group.

I quickly changed into my sweat suit and told my members that I’ll be out. I ran for about an hour just to make sure I lose those 500 grams for sure. I did not want to risk myself getting fat like how I used to again, I did not want to see my fat self again.

I looked emaciated; I was 180 centimetres tall, weighing only 56 kilograms. I was definitely 85% or lesser than the weight I’m expected to have.

I was weighing myself on the weighing scale again, and thank heavens that I lost that 500 grams with another 500 grams due to my running. As I was weighing myself, a knock at the room door was heard. Daehyun was standing there looking at me with those disappointing eyes.

"Weighing again huh."

"Yeah, can't lose track of my weight."

“Can I, like, talk to you for a moment?” He asked while I got down from the scale.

“Sure, what do you want to talk about?” I asked, smiling to him.

“It’s funny that even though we sleep in the same bedroom but we never talked in a long time.” We both chuckled as he said it.

“Yeah, it’s been a while since we did.”

“Ever since you started dieting, we talked lesser… and erm, Youngjae, I know that this is not really a good topic to talk about but-”

“You want to talk about how extreme I’m losing my weight, right? Cut the crap, I’m not going to talk about it.”

“Youngjae, I know you are trying to slim down but it’s too extreme. I mean it’s good that you’re trying but aren’t you getting too obsessed with it?”

The moment I heard it, I felt hurt, as if I got shot in the heart. Obsessed? Are you serious? How am I obsessed with my diet? Please, you’ve haven’t seen the obsessed ones out there.

“What the do you know about being obsessed and slimming down to the extreme, huh? You don’t even need to slim down you .” I rebutted him back.

“I was just trying to care for you, Youngjae. Look at you, you looked like a pole.”

He’s just trying to make you fat again so that he’ll look slim beside you.

“Just shut up. You’re the one that looks like a pole. I look fat compared to you please.” I rolled my eyes after looking at his body from head to toe.

"Youngjae, you know I just want you to look good, but you're too thin; waaaay too thin." 

You want me to look good? You just want to make yourself look good you hypocrite. You're the one who looks good all the time, being called Busan Wonbin all the time.

"Just shut the up."

Daehyun sighed and left the room after looking at me. He knew I was stubborn, he knew that even trying to explain to me about my whole diet obsession (which is not true), and I would not listen to him.

There were many physical changes to my body; it was so drastic that the members were scared of me. I could see my cheeks sunken in; my eyes looked as if they were going to pop out of my eyes sockets any moment, jawline protruding out of my skin, skin so dry it looks flaky and bad, but I felt proud. I was finally looking more and more perfect. I knew my definition of perfect became distorted, but I didn’t care, to me, it was the best thing that could happen in my life.

Look at you, beautiful, almost near to perfection.

My inner soul was happy, I was happy, but my body was not, my body was rotting and my health was deteriorating. I could not care less to my health as long as I could find perfection within myself.

 I noticed my hair becoming more and more brittle, whenever I comb my hair, a huge amount would just fall off, my nails were easily chipped off and yellowish, my cheeks sometimes get swollen due to the excessive amount of vomiting, I always felt cold especially at night when the temperature drops, I get tired very easily, always sleeping whenever I have the time to catch some nap. I knew something wasn’t right about my body, but I couldn’t care less because I just wanted to be perfect.

Perfect is all you need. Do not hear what other says, just do what you think is best for you. You need to be thinner, as long as you are thin, you’re perfect.

I always felt lethargic whenever we practice; I needed to drink a lot of water, my lips were always pale and white. We were always practicing, practicing; I could never catch up, getting all dizzy, wanting to faint after dancing only a specific part of the entire choreography. Even when our dance instructor was telling me how to do the steps correctly, I would just zone out, not listening to him. It’s not that I don’t want to hear him, I just could not concentrate.

Daehyun was so concerned about me and my unhealthy dieting that he talked to Yongguk hyung about it. I know he was being kind and caring for his best friend, but he’s just being very annoying to me.

“Youngjae, I need to talk to you. Let’s go outside to talk.” Yongguk’s low commanding voice made me shiver; I knew I was in trouble.

“Okay, hyung.”

-----------------------

“I heard from Daehyun that you’ve been losing too much weight these past few weeks.”

“Hyung, you don’t understand, I was just-“

“Youngjae-ah, stop giving excuses. We can all see that you’ve become really thin, you’re literally all skin and bones now.”

“… Hyung, I’m still perfectly healthy okay?”

“How can you be healthy when you’re just sustaining yourself with that green looking substance drink you drink every day? This is not a healthy way to lose weight you know? Stop before things became out of hand.”

“Hyung would never understand! You are all so skinny, how would you understand my feeling when everyone just pressures you telling you that you’re chubby and fat all the time!”

“… …I understand, but you have to stop, please, Youngjae.” Yongguk hyung begged me with those sad looking eyes.

I can’t stop hyung, I’m sorry. “Okay hyung, I’ll stop” I lied through my mouth.

I never stopped. I continued the way I was, just that I ‘showed’ them I was eating well and I went to the toilet, forcing myself to puke everything out.

The day finally comes whereby my body could no longer handle the stress I was putting on it.

We were all practicing for our upcoming concert’s choreography and I felt terribly dizzy, I felt as if the whole entire dance studio was in a whirling black hole. My legs first started to give way, it was getting wobbly, starting to wander around in circles before I collapsed onto the floor and my eyes slowly out. The last moment I saw was all my members surrounding me and I could hear people shouting, shaking my fragile body.

“Youngjae! Youngjae-ah!”

“Youngjae hyung, wake up!”

“Someone call the ambulance now!”

“Hurry the up, dial 911!”

“, Youngjae, wake up!”

“He’s no longer breathing!”

“YOUNGJAE!”

Daehyun shouting my name was the last thing I heard.

Author's note:

Hello to everyone who is reading this, Hi. Thank you for making my fic with so many grammar errors (i know. english isn't my first language //cries//). Hope you'll subscribe to it because idk, you liked it even tho the grammar errors are everywhere. I'll do my grammar checking when I wake up. It's 4AM now. //rots in one corner//

Here's a notice: I'm writing chapter 2 now! //awkward silence//

I wonder if I should make Youngjae live or die.... Hmmm....

Anyway, thank you all for reading. I love you guys so so much.