You take a shaky breath, and know that you’ve never been so afraid in your life.You stare at the smooth surface of the door, heart thudding so fast in your chest you feel you’re going to pass out. In the back of your mind, you know this is your last chance to back out, to turn around and get back in your car, get back to your country, send a message, send an email, make a few calls, and be a coward. You take a shaky breath, and know that you’ve never been so afraid in your life. 

“Oh, my god,” Leeteuk says. “Oh, my god.” He stares at the phone in his hands, and lifts weary eyes to the assembled members. “It’s done. It’s finally over.”

They look at one another, not knowing what to say.

You take a deep breath, and another. You knew that this was coming, and yet you never really let yourself think about what it would mean – how you would feel, and how hard it would be. You try not to feel like a traitor.

You think of the people on the other side of the door, and it’s hard to breathe. You’ve never wanted to stay and yet escape so badly in your entire life. You lift your hand, and knock. 

The door remains closed. Five, six, seven, eight - you count under your breath, and try not to think about the possibility that they don't want to see you.

A soft knock on the door, and in the harsh silence that follows eleven pairs of eyes dart toward it. Donghae grips Eunhyuk’s hand so hard that it begins to hurt, but Eunhyuk says nothing. Siwon trips in his haste to get up, and almost runs to the door.

The door is wrenched open, and you immediately find yourself crushed in an embrace so tight it steals your breath away. You’d know him anywhere, and you will yourself not to cry. Not yet. You hold him, grip his shirt, and, despite yourself, smile into his shoulder. 

“Geng-ge,” he murmurs into your hair, and you hold him tighter. When he finally releases you and pulls you into the apartment, the others are all on their feet and reaching for you. 

You look around for Him, and He’s not there.

***

Donghae has his head on your shoulder, and arms closely entwined with one of yours. Everybody looks at you like they’re hungry, and you’re fragile. Ryeowook keeps asking if you want anything, and the others can’t sit still. You have so much to say, but every time you open your mouth the words die on your tongue so you settle for looking, and looking, and looking. They ask about your future plans. They ask if you’ll ever come back to Korea. You smile and look at them, and try to memorise their faces exactly as they are now. It’s awkward, and perfect, and you can feel your heart slowly breaking. 

You cannot believe He’s not here.

“He’s in his room.” Donghae whispers, and you jolt backwards slightly in surprise. Donghae raises his head, eyes watery, and smiles. “Go on.” 

Those sitting at your feet automatically clear a path for you, parting like a Red Sea of boyish hope and adult disappointment. You feel embarrassed, but your legs move of their own accord. 

Again, you’re standing in front of a closed door. This door, too, is infinitely familiar. It’s been slammed in your face, you’ve been pushed up against it, and you’ve banged your head-knees-heart on it countless times. You were wrong before, you think. This is the most afraid you’ve ever been in your life. 

He’s sitting at his computer, back to the doorway, when you enter. He doesn’t look up, and a small part of you grins inwardly. Still the same, as he’s always been.  

“What do you think Heechul hyung is going to do to him?” Kyuhyun whispers, and on cue, the rest try to listen for sounds indicating grievous bodily harm emanating from Heechul’s room. 

Like magic, the tension evaporates.

“Do you remember the time Han Geng hyung and Heechul hyung-” Sungmin starts, smile growing on his face.

You clear your throat, only a little ironically, and it takes him a few seconds to turn around. When he does, it’s with an expression of supreme unconcern. Nothing less than expected, you think.

“Oh! You’re here?” 

You ignore his defiance, and look, and look, and look. He goes quiet, and stares back. 

“You bastard.” He says softly, and turns away. When you move to walk towards him, he jerks back as if he’s been slapped, and quickly gets up out of his chair to stand next to the window, putting a few extra metres between the two of you. 

You stop, and your arms hang loosely by your side. “It doesn’t mean-”

“Yes. It does.” He says sharply, and you look down at your feet. 

“Do you want me to apologise again?” 

“When did I say I wanted you to do that?” He says, and laughs loudly, the sound grating. He starts to chatter of useless things – Heebum’s new toy, his new haircut. He straightens books on his desk, tugs at the coverlet on his bed. He kicks a stray shoe underneath the set of drawers, fidgets with his hair, opens the wardrobe door, closes it. 

He walks past you, talking of a new jacket he’s bought, and you grab him.

He struggles in surprise, and you hold him tighter. You wrap your arms around him, savagely shoving back the welling pain in your chest as he starts yelling at you. He pushes and pulls and kicks and even tries to bite but you hold on, and the tears you’ve kept in all this time spill in a hot stream down your cheeks. He yells and fights and sobs and claws at your back, and the two of you hold on. 

You sink down together onto the floor, cradling him in your arms. You whisper that you’re sorry, over and over again till the words bleed into each other and you’re not even sure what you’re saying anymore. 

“How can you leave me?” He asks, and you have no answer. “You absolute bastard. You ing bastard.” He leans his head against your shoulder, tired out with tears and anger. 

You have no answer, because you’re not sure yourself. You’ve never had to do it before, and you’re sure, more than ever, that you never wanted to. 

*** 

When Siwon pokes his head into the room apologetically half an hour later, you’re lying on his bed with him in your arms. You hold him carefully, because you’re not sure if he’s going to start hitting or yelling at you again. The both of you breathe evenly, trying to make the time left extend into hours, days, weeks, years. It’s crazy, you think. They all used to have so much time, and where did it go? 

“Geng-ge, your driver says it’s time to go,” Siwon says reluctantly. He backs out of the room, closing the door quietly, and Heechul’s hand fisted in your shirt curls even tighter.

The two of you lie in silence.  

You want to tell him that you don’t want to go, but you don’t know how to explain it so that he understands it’s not them you want to leave, but your suffocating, insane, impersonal circumstances. He lifts his eyes to yours, just then, and you realise that you don’t have to.

“I will come and see you when I can,” he says quickly, almost as if he doesn’t want you to hear.

“Me too,” you say back, and instantly banish the feeling of uncertainty that creeps up within. “Me too.”

Heechul sits up, and hangs over you, eyes boring into your face. 

“You’re beautiful,” you say.

“Shut up,” he replies.

When he kisses you, you pour all your months of missing him – of watching interviews and concerts of them without you, alone in your Chinese apartment, of wondering what the hell you were doing, of relief at being free, of desperately wanting to be with the others, wanting to start a new life, and most of all, up above beyond everything else, wanting him - into the kiss. You kiss him like it’s going to be the last time. You pray it isn’t.

The two of you emerge from his room, and you find Siwon leaning against the wall outside. “Look after him,” you say gruffly in Mandarin, and Siwon nods readily. “I will,” he replies, and Heechul frowns. “What are you saying?”

You smile at him, and he pushes Siwon. “Tell me!” 

Siwon grins and slips away into the living room, where everyone immediately folds you into a group hug. Heechul doesn’t let go of your hand throughout.

You let the tears fall freely this time, and know that they understand. 

When you leave the apartment of amazing, irritating, heartbreakingly loveable, incredibly frustrating men, innumerable memories, blood sweat and tears, you’re Hankyung for the last time. 

Goodbye.