...It's so hard to accept a goodbye from the person you love.

The beeping coming from the phone, indicating that the call had finished, accompanied Leeteuk as his hands gripped his cell phone. Hard. So hard that his knuckles turned white, almost breaking the object in half. His knees shook, making them knock against each other, almost making him fall. Heechul was immediately by his side, holding him by the arm, even as the man himself had tears leaking out of his eyes. The pain Leeteuk felt, even though his was greater, was reflected on s eyes as they all cried silently. The hospital had called. Kangin had fallen into a coma after receiving a blow to the head. The shot had not killed him, but now the doctors didn't know if he would wake up at all. As a last act of mercy, the hospital was allowing Kangin's old members a visit.

They all shuffled quietly to the van awaiting them outside. The quiet was disrupted occasionally by Donghae and Ryewook's choked sobs. Each time Leeteuk heard one, the only thing he could do was clamp his mouth shut with his hands, otherwise he would soon start sobbing as well. But, he was the leader. Their pillar of support, and the one that should always stay strong. Even if the only thing Leeteuk wanted was to be alone, to be able to cry until all his tears had ran out. He felt his chest constrict as a spasm racked his body and he let out an unconscious whimper. Nobody said anything.

The minutes passed by quietly as the van moved along, heading towards the hospital. Leeteuk stared blankly out the window, hoping that if he closed his eyes, this nightmare would wash away leaving nothing but a scary dream. He'll open his eyes and be back in the dorm, laughing at one of s jokes, or eating Ryewook's food. Maybe he'll be singing in stage, awaiting eagerly when Kangin would come back and stand in the same stage with them once again.

But, when Leeteuk opened his eyes, there was nothing but his reflection and the night greeting him. This wasn't a nightmare, it was reality. The thought struck the brown haired man hard, making him double over on his seat as he tried to choke back a sob, earning a comforting pat from Eunhyuk who was seating next to him. His stomach felt queasy as he returned back to his previous position. All he wanted to do was scream his heart out, grip his hair and fall apart. Leeteuk was a human, he too, had the right to brake down once in a while. But he held himself back, making his chest tighten. Only death could come close to the fear, anger, sadness and utter loneliness that overtook his heart.

Leeteuk was startled back into the present when van jolted to a stop. They had arrived. Looking outside the window, fans were gathered all around the hospital. The leader had to do a double take at his normally rowdy and loud fans, taking in their tear streaked faces and solemn gazes. They parted quickly, making a path for the group and to the entrance. No one spoke, as only loud sobs were the only noises being heard. Leeteuk was grateful for this, as their usual cheers would only put him in an even worse mood.

As they entered the hospital, many familiar faces greeted them. All of who have known Kangin and treasured him. Even still, Leeteuk ignored them all as he headed for the front desk, this was not the time for pleasantries or greetings. He wiped the fresh tears that had started trailing down his face with the back of his hand, sniffing as he did so.

“Kim Youngwoon's room please,” he said quietly to the receptionist. Said woman nodded her head sadly, already given the same room number to various people.

“549 sir,” she almost murmured back, not wanting to raise her voice, afraid of breaking the quiet and sad atmosphere hanging around.

Leeteuk only nodded, not even bothering to say thanks. He heard Sungmin thanking the receptionist for him, as his other members followed him to the elevator. He passed a sniffing Jaejoong, who was being comforted by Junsu and Yoochun. He didn't spared them a glance. Not because he had anything against them, but because at the moment, the only thing in his mind was his fellow member, dying on a hospital bed.

All ten of them got into one elevator. It was a tight squeeze but Leeteuk was grateful nonetheless. The tightness made him feel less lonely. All too soon the automatic doors opened, stopping at a deserted hallway, the only thing that could be heard were the noises and beeping of the life support machines. Leeteuk walked forward, looking at each number on the doors. Finally a big '549' could be seen on a wooden door. Next to said door was a big mirror, through which they could see Kangin. New rounds of tears flowed down Leetuek's cheeks as he saw countless machines in the room, breathing tubes and IV's. All connected to what once was a joyful and full of life man. The 'appa' of Super Junior.

Leeteuk heard as Ryewook broke down completely, his sobs coming faster and louder. Kyuhyun was quickly by the short man's side, wrapping his arms around trembling shoulders as he, too, fought to hold back his own sobs.

The leaders hands shook as he held them by his side, clenched tightly. A tap to his shoulder startled him, for the second time that night, alerting him of a nurses presence.

She attempted a smile, “Would you like to go in? But, please, only two a time,” she whispered.

A nod was all the answer Leeteuk gave her. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, the only thing coming out would be screams, and whimpers of anger and sadness. He looked around him, s were all crying and hugging each other. Reassuring themselves that everything was going to be alright. Leeteuk had a sinking feeling, that even if they prayed, nothing was ever going to be the same anymore.

“Heechul,” Leeteuk called the man's name quietly, beckoning him with his head, “Let's go inside,” he whispered, his eyes downcast. He didn't want to see one of his strongest members with tears running down his face.

They had to put on protective clothes over their normal ones, as to not bring any kind of viruses or infections into the room. Both of them did it in silence, not having any words that they wanted to speak at the moment.

Once Leeteuk entered, he tried to avoid looking at his once strong friend, but his eyes were stuck in the figure on the bed. Kangin laid dead still on the hospital bed, several IV's connected to him, and a oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. The noises of the machines were already giving Leeteuk a headache as he slowly approached his fallen member.

He stopped by the bedside, carefully taking a pale hand in his. Leeteuk resisted the urge to squeeze the hand with all his might to see if it would wake Kangin up...he knew it wouldn't. Nothing was going to wake him up now. Not anymore. The thought tore at Leeteuk's heart, making him gasp loudly. With his free hand, Leeteuk grabbed the clothes on his chest, gripping them in a fist.

He wanted to run.

Run away and erase the image of his dying friend from his mind. Maybe if he closed his eyes and shakes his head, takes a deep breath...he would wake up from this horrible nightmare.

But of course, Leeteuk knew that this was no illusion—it didn't matter that it was all he wanted it to be. The brown haired man only want to open his eyes and be back at the Super Junior dorm. He would wake up and be surrounded by muscular arms as they wrapped around him protectively. He would chuckle to himself and wake his lover—his everything—up. It would be no good if the guys saw them together. Not like this.

The memory made a small smile slip in between his sad features. It looked like it didn't belong there, and Leeteuk agreed wholeheartedly as the smile slipped off. He didn't want to smile.

A hand landing on his shoulder startled him out off his morbid thoughts.

“Leeteuk...” whispered a still tear streaked Heechul. He was feeling the same as everyone else, but he knew that their leader was feeling more pain than all of them combined. He was one of the few people that knew that Kangin and Leeteuk had been, indeed, together.

It everything Leeteuk had in his power not to turn around and sob to his hearts content.

He had to be strong for both of them, for s and Kangin's family as well. As was expected of him.

But...if only Kangin would open his eyes. Just a last time, even if only the thought of it being the last time tore Leeteuk's heart into pieces. His breathing was ragged, the effort of keeping his sobs in showing on his frown. Leeteuk just wanted to lean down and be able to kiss the man that he had been with the last years. But he knew by the limp hand in his grasp that Kangin was gone.

Leeteuk leaned down, touching his forehead to Kangin's hand. A few tears slid down his cheeks and on to the pale hand held in his.

“Ya, Youngwoon, you know...I love you, right?” the leader asked, chuckling when he heard a sniff behind him. As quickly as the laughter came, it went away. He didn't want to laugh. Why was this happening to him? Why now? When they were supposed to be singing on the same stage together once again. When they were supposed to make love for one last time...

“How can I live without you...?” Leeteuk whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the limp hand. Probably the only kind of affection that he'll get away with, without being questioned by others.

How can I explain to my heart that you're not going to be there anymore? That you're gone...?

The brown haired man sighed, freeing his tears prob at his eyelids as the room was greeted to the sound of a flat heart line.

The noise was unbearable, but not louder than the screams of Leeteuk, and the pleads of Heechul begging Kangin to wake up.

Above the sound of his hyperventilating he could hear cries for a doctor. The cries and screams of s were mixed in too, but he hardly noticed anything. But there was nothing to be done, they said.

Leeteuk slumped against the hospital bed, clutching his chest as sobs wreaked his frame. The tears came with vengeance, showing to sign of stopping anytime soon. But Leeteuk didn't want to stop crying, he wanted to cried until his tears dry out.

I will meet with you once again Youngwoon...wait for me.