It was always difficult, accepting that your feelings weren’t returned. Yet, it was much worse when you had to be around them constantly. After all, getting over someone was easier when you had some distance from them, and unfortunately he had to see him every single day, even sleep in the same room as him, his heart fluttering every time they were close to each other.

It would be so much easier if Yongguk weren’t so… perfect. Himchan envied him for always responding with smiles when people commented on his looks, while he himself was riddled with insecurities he tried to hide by being overly confident. He was so caring, too, always with his mind on the world and all that’s in it, wanting to make it a better place and actually taking action to accomplish this. Himchan often felt inferior beside him. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, because of course he did. He simply focused more on his direct environment when it came to actively doing something, choosing to look after his group members first.

The most frustrating thing was Yongguk’s attitude towards him. He wasn’t afraid to tell him off, being his leader and his best friend, but there were also moments when Himchan would catch him looking at him so tenderly that he had a hard time hiding how flustered it made him. Just as bad was how Yongguk was never really into touching, but he allowed Himchan to touch him whenever he wanted. Within limits; Himchan didn’t think Yongguk would be very impressed if he’d try to him, for example.

The thing is… It gave him hope. And he knew it didn’t mean anything. They were best friends, so of course Yongguk would stare at him sometimes, and it wasn’t as though he never had that look when his eyes were focused on one of the other members. (Although he liked to believe it happened to him the most.) As for the touching? Well, Himchan tended to touch pretty much everyone, whether they liked it or not, since he was a big fan of physical contact. He figured Yongguk had probably accepted it as something he couldn’t change anyway, so he just left him to it.

He didn’t want hope. He wanted certainty. Either that, or to get rid of these feelings entirely, because most of the time they only made him feel like crap. The idea of one day being Yongguk’s best man (unless he’d ask Yongnam for that position, but it didn’t matter anyway; he’d be there, in whatever role) at his wedding and seeing him marry a woman who would no doubt be too lovely to dislike, eventually seeing them with kids he’d spoil rotten, because they couldn’t help it, after all… It made him feel sick to his stomach.

Having to fake a smile was hard enough when there was no competition around that he knew of, but it was only a matter of time before he’d have to fake a whole lot more. Yongguk wanted a family, he knew that. And as his friend, he’d have to be supportive. And he would be, really.

He’d thump him on his back when he finally found someone, ask what she was like and how they met. He’d go shopping for rings with him if asked, point at the prettiest one – simple but beautiful, fitting for Yongguk himself – and pretend he wasn’t picturing himself wearing one. He’d be there to cheer and hug him when she said yes, not showing anyone his heart was breaking into pieces, and he’d scold Daehyun for trying to eat the cake he’d bought to celebrate the happy occasion. He’d grin when a nervous Yongguk told him he was having his first child and he’d assure him he was going to be the best dad in the world. He’d bring presents for the baby, and for any others there might be, and when Yongguk’s wife wasn’t home, he’d help his friend look after the kids, able to have a brief illusion of them being theirs.

He knew he technically didn’t need to stick around after B.A.P were to break up (something he hoped was far in the future), but it would be even worse if he didn’t even have Yongguk in his life at all. Or perhaps he was simply more masochistic than he let on. To be honest, he had had these feelings for so long that he wasn’t sure what to do if – or when – they’d disappear. So he’d rather cling to Yongguk, hopeless though it may be, and feel a safe pain, a heartache he was used to.

And perhaps he’d get married too one day, pretend to be happy and make his wife feel loved. He tried to picture himself with a woman and for some reason Hyosung appeared in his mind’s eye, someone he could certainly love, though never be in love with. Yongguk would talk to him about married life and he’d smile and nod along, the pieces in his chest clanging against each other painfully.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the front door opened and sat up quickly, spotting Yongguk stepping inside. He glanced at the clock and realised it was far later than he had expected, but he couldn’t be too surprised. Yongguk was a known workaholic, a perfectionist, and he often didn’t return to the dorm until ridiculous hours in the morning.

Yongguk raised his eyebrows when he saw Himchan before he grinning, making the visual’s heart skip a beat.

“Were you waiting up for me?” he asked as he took off his shoes. He was always firm on that, at least, though the rest of their dorm tended to be a mess.

Himchan shrugged awkwardly, not really wanting to admit that yes, he had been.

A deep chuckle reached his ears and a slender hand ruffled his hair playfully. “You’ll make the perfect house wife one day,” Yongguk teased, his famous gummy smile making its appearance when Himchan hit his arm.

The rapper announced that he was going to take a quick shower before bed – not that there was much use sleeping now, but at least it was better than no sleep at all, Himchan supposed. He stared after his friend wistfully, his right hand curling against his chest.

Clang.

A/N: I was listening to an incredibly depressing song on repeat, and Himchan kept getting more depressed with it. *pets him* Poor thing. Anyway, if you wish, do let me know what you think. :)