« So Goodbye. »

The human being is never satisfied. Once you get something you really wanted, you only crave for more. That's... kind of cruel. For the people you hurt because of this ridiculous ambition, and for you who will search for an unattainable happiness.

« I'm jealous... »

« Hm ? »

« These kids... »

« What are you talking about Unnie ? »

« Infinite is almost going to be bought by SM Entertainment. Or well, their company. »

« And ? »

« And Key is in. »

« And ? »

« And they are going to be together ! That's unfair. »

« Aigoo Unnie... Our contract is ending in a few months, why don't you try SM kkk ? »

« I'm not kidding, Hara... »

« Well sorry I was. »

And with that, the maknae sticked her tongue out at her Unnie and ran away. She had a meeting with a 'friend', but Nicole knew better than anyone that it wasn't just a 'friend'. Smelled more like a new boyfriend to her. Of course she was a bit jealous.

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I just wanted to live my dream. I was dying to finally stand on a stage, bringing my voice to people. I wanted to hear the cheers, see the sparkles in their eyes, and the smiles on their face. I wanted to be this light of hope for at least someone. Share my passion for music and help people, just as I had been helped in the past. Thinking about it, I gave up everything and came to South Korea, took my chance with an innocent smile and kept going on. I worked hard, so hard to achieve what people expected from me, to be good enough to debut, to be good enough to stand on a huge stage, to be good enough just to be loved... As many of other idols, you would think. That's right. Everyone worked hard. Everyone sacrificed a lot, in order to make the dream comes true. I'm not that different, and my fate isn't the saddest, oh no, but...

« I... I'm not happy. »

It came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. Sitting on my bed, I suddenly felt helpless. Kibum was looking for something in my wardrobe because he wanted me to be perfectly fine with tonight's party theme but really... I didn't want to go. I always had been the one who loved partying all night but tonight...

« Hm ? » He looked up from his task, his frown soon disappearing.

« I don't know what to... » I said, sighing heavily, avoiding his piercing gaze.

« If you're talking about how bad this actually looks on you, then well- » He began but I cut him.

« No, you don't understand. I don't mean it like 'oh god this day was horrible, I'm ugly, I'm gonna die'. I really mean it. This life isn't making me happy anymore... I don't know what to do. I'm lost Kibum. » I looked at him like a kicked puppy, honestly lost.

He looked at me in silence, probably trying to understand the whole situation, in depth. The little pout on his lips told me so. It always make me smile genuinely.

« You're probably thinking I'm selfish. I have everything and yet I'm complaining. Just forget about it. » I smiled bitterly. I shouldn't have talked about it ; it was my stuff, my thoughts, and I was the only one who could resolve it. But I saw him frown, and he came and sat on the edge of the bed. Why so serious ?

« Then leave. » He said calmly.

« W-What ? » I couldn't believe my ears. Did he really not need me anymore ?

« Leave. Go and find a place where you're happy. Search for your own happiness, if that's what you need. » His face was emotionless. I hate it. Don't be so cold all of a sudden. As if I was gone already.

« But... » My work, my career, my life here, you...

« That's your choice. Now I'm going back to work. »

And with that you left. You forgot about the party, everything. You just left. I knew it was a bad idea. You're still afraid of being alone, right ? Nothing has changed. You're still afraid.

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And here I was, finally living my dream on stage. As I saw boys and girls cheering up for us, I felt sad for them. They are so faithful, always here, following and supporting us, always believing in us, and for that I am so thankful... But in the end, they'll just be hurt. I know how selfish I am. Ambitious. I know I'm going to hurt them soon. Because I want more. Way more than that. I just hope that your pain will be worth in the end. So right now I'll just enjoy myself as a member of KARA. Yeah. That's probably the last time. Please, forgive me...

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I always thought that effort would be enough. Even when we were fighting with the girls, even when I was on the verge of tears, I never gave up because I thought that as much as I had worked, people would support and love me just enough for me to shine. But actually, it doesn't work like this.

I always thought that being a member of a group would be enough for me. That I would be happy. That I would stand all these troubles, be kind enought to smoothe everything that wasn't alright. I was wrong. I love all the ones who supported me with everything they got. I thought it would be enough. But I'm not that strong. This love is powerful, but there's still a distance between fans and idols. This is not what we call real love or even friendship. Someday they'll realize that I'm not that good, and they'll love someone else, just a bit a more, until the day where they'll let me down. It's not that they aren't sincere in their feelings. It's just that people change, and every love changes when you can't be with the person you love.

As we crossed the airport, I thought a lot about it, and about the company. I had talked to my manager about the contract, and other stuff. Too many things were wrong. Incredibly wrong. Of course I didn't want to let you all down but...

… But that's all.

Flash, flash, and more flashes.

My eyes hurt. My head hurt. I just wanna go home. When was the last time I went back home...?

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« You only have one life Nicole. Don't waste it here being sad. »

I looked at Jinwoon and smiled sadly. I was sorry for bothering so many people. Okay, that's what friends are made for ; being here, even when you're feeling bad, but still. I felt so sorry.

« B- »

« You still love him, right ? »

I looked at him right away, my eyes widening, my glass almost dropping. I...

I avoided his gaze.

And I cried.

I cried.

For the first time since a long time, I cried.

Jinwoon kindly held me close, whispering to me that everything would be okay. But I shooke my head.

« I'm so tired of all this ... » I whined, trying to breath.

« Then let it go. » He whispered, making me look at him in the eyes. « Just let it go. Free yourself. »

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Nicole's Instagram Update 13/12/13 :

« In life, you will realize there is a role for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you, and some will teach you. But the ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in you. They are the rare and amazing people who remind you why it's worth it. » - Unknown.

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« So yeah, I wanted to have all of you here to tell you something. I didn't want you to read it on the net tomorrow or something so... yeah. »

I was almost shy, which was so totally not me, when I looked up to see their intrigued faces. All the 91 Line was here, or well, a good part of it, plus some other friends. I took a deep breath, and smiled.

« I'm going back to America. I will come back. I just don't know when. I need to think. And work. I... I hope you all understand. I'm sorry for leaving like this. » I chuckled a bit at the end, but the room was dead silent. Only Jinwoon was smiling reassuringly. Thank you.

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« You're really leaving ? » My wrist was grabbed and I found myself face to face with Kibum, in the corridor.

« Ah... Yeah. » I felt guilty.

He didn't say anything. Seemed like he was thinking a lot. Then he released my wrist and spoke again.

« Then have a nice trip. » He smiled and I felt my heart shattering into pieces.

« You're finally going back home. Enjoy. » He ruffled my hair.

« See ya. » And he left. And my heart broke. And I was so sorry but I couldn't change my mind. I was here fighting for my own freedom. My own happiness.

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Key's Instagram Update 15/12/13 :

« My words were cold and flat, And you deserve more than that. »

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25/01/14

« I'm leaving. Hope to see you soon in America.

Stay healthy and don't miss me too much, okay ? Kkk - »

I watched as the message was being sent. This is really the end, right ? I smiled bitterly and looked up from my phone. The sky was beautiful. It always had been and it will always be, to me.

Goodbye South Korea.

Goodbye my dream.

Goodbye my friends.

Goodbye my love.

Kibum. I wasn't strong enough to stand by your side. To help you as much as you need it, and fill this emptiness in your heart. But I truly loved you. Even if it was a one-sided love, even if I had been hurt... During a time, it made me happy. I had been so happy with you by my side...

But it's over now. I want more. I want to be free. I want to do what I love. It seems childish but I'm suffocating here and now. And to assume my decision, I have to become stronger. No matter how long it takes, I will come back. I can't promise you anything because I know how life can be a , and how unforeseen is the future... but someday I will show the whole world who I truly am, just by myself. Until the day where I will be strong enough... Just... Just keep shining, please. Please. So I can still see you from afar, just like the brighter star who lead the traveler in the night sky. Precious, and unreachable.

Maybe when I come back... Maybe then, I will be satisfied with my life. Perhaps I will be able to be happy. That's such a simple wish, right ? I didn't know myself that it was so hard to fulfill it. What if my happiness doesn't belong to this country ? That's why I can't promise you anything... I know how deep you've been hurt with broken promises. I don't want to hurt you. I'm not like him, I wouldn't stand a life by your side without being able to reach you. That's just too cruel.