The cold morning air was quiet, and quite frankly, awkward. Normally during breaks, it was just me and whatever book I happened to be reading that day on the roof of my austere school, but today, for the first time in a long time, my usual practice was different. 

I wasn't alone this time.

My name is Suzy.

Just Suzy, nothing else. 

No-one except me, my parents and my siblings know, or even care about, my last name. No person that is not tied to me by blood has ever stayed by my side long enough to come close to even guessing my last name. I've come to realize that it is just how life works, and I have eventually accepted that struggling against it is useless, so I just go with it.

I'm a high school student, currently attending Jeonju High. I have just recently turned 17 years old, and I am exceptionally friendless. Not that it's a major problem, I'm just extremely socially inept and have issues trusting and communicating with people. That's just the way I am. 

I have 2 older sisters, both of them gorgeous, social butterflies, better known as "The Goddesses of Jeonju High", Kim Taeyeon and Kim Hyoyeon. I'm the hidden maknae of the reputable Kim family. Most people don't even know that Hyoyeon and Taeyeon even have a younger sister. 

Another reason for me not being known as their sibling was that I don't share their surname. I am their stepsister, only recently married into the family when my mother captured the attention of their father with her quiet grace, unsurpassable wisdom and discretion and her uncanny way with children of all ages, thus making her a hit with his two teenage daughters.

Both Taeyeon and Hyoyeon love me, and I was quickly accepted by them, but I've never really felt a part of the happy family that consisted of my mother, stepfather and stepsister. If you were to describe the family, I would most likely be put as the neighbour. I'm sort of detached from them, emotionally and physically.

Not that it bothered me in any way.

It was the way I preferred it.

No attachments, no pain; that's how I live. I'm not this way because of some traumatic experience that I went through, it's just the way that I am, it's what I know reality is like. I've told my parents this countless times, but still they send me to various psychologists, support groups and likewise so that I could "get help". I don't have a problem, so I can't be helped. They don't understand this yet, but I do.

I was used to being alone. I was always was, and I always will be.

And I'm okay.

That's what I thought.

Until a boy named L came, literally, out of nowhere, ruining every ideal I had ever held about life.

When he first walked into our class, the first thing I noticed about him was that he was really tall, at least 20 centimetres taller than my 1,78 meter self. Now, I 'm pretty tall for my age, and almost everyone seemed short compared to me, only adding to my aura of unapproachability, so to find someone actually taller than me was a rare thing to encounter.

When he was asked to introduce himself, he quietly picked up the red board marker, and wrote a giant, messy L on the whiteboard.

That was it, nothing but a giant, glaring red letter that stood out against the stark white background.

He was asked where he was from. He didn't answer.

The teacher asked him why he transferred. He remained silent.

The moment his real name was asked, his eyes hardened even further, resembling obsidian stone.

The girls immediately started fixing their clothes and their hair, checking themselves in mirrors and phone screens, because this L character was undeniably handsome, even by my relatively high standards. I glanced up at him, tearing my eyes away from the pages of my book with much difficulty, coincidentally meeting his eyes for a few, fleeting seconds. They burned like a black flame, unquenchable; yet, at the same time, they were ice cold, freezing anything in its path.

The intensity of his gaze sent a shiver of fear creeping down my spine.

I quickly averted my once casual glance and refocused on the well worn pages of my book once again, the words swimming before my eyes, only looking up again when I felt a presence by the empty seat next to mine. 

L casually placed his bag on the floor and sat down amidst a sea of sharp glares, barely hidden inquisitive stares and obnoxiously loud gasps. The seat next to mine had been vacant for years, probably ever since my first year of high school, but it wasn't anymore.

Instead, it was now occupied by a dark eyed boy named L.

The bell rang, and as usual, I felt that familiar pang of loneliness spread throughout my whole body. I watched with longing as everyone met up with their various groups, laughing in glee as they rushed out the doors that had kept them prisoner for the past 2 hours. I picked up my book, pulled my backpack over my thin, slender shoulders, and started wearily trudging to the stairs that would lead me to my sanctuary, not expecting anyone to follow me.

But someone did.

I stopped at the sound of footsteps behind me and turned slowly, only to see the intense, black, ice cold flame that had so fascinated me that first time. It was L. 

He looked at me questioningly, as if asking me why I had stopped without words. It was weird the way I read that question in his eyes. I didn't want to speak if he didn't, so I just shrugged, continuing my journey, allowing him to follow me. I sat down on my usual spot once I had reached my destination, inserting my earphones into my ears, wincing slightly as the music blasted at full volume. Taeyeon must've used my phone to listen to music again, even though I had told her not to.

I turned the volume down a little bit and started reading where I had left off. A familiar creeping feeling manifested itself. I knew he was watching me. I loked up at him, raisng one eyebrow. He stared back at me, gaze unwavering. I let my hair fall over my face, and I kept my eyes focused firmly on the brown pages, and stayed that way until the bell rang again, indicating the end of break. But I didn't stop him from watching me with curious eyes; I didn't stop him from walking with me to our next class.

I don't know why.

But I did it anyways.

The next day was the same. He followed me and I didn't stop him. We went to the roof, I read, L sitting beside me, all in complete silence. The quiet air soon turned from awkward silences to companionable, comfortable silences that the both of us thrived in. We never spoke to one another, not a single word, but words weren't needed. L spoke through his body and his intense eyes, and I soon learned to do the same.

I became more noticed in school due to L's presence, much to my chagrin. But, I still didn't prevent him from being around me. I guess I was just as curious about him as he was about me.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.

So I let him stay.

This same process had been going on for about eight months now. We would meet by the intersection and walk the rest of the way to school together. We never planned these meetings; a time was never set, but we always managed to meet each other. We would walk to all our classes together, then he would follow me to the roof during breaks, and I would let him. I would read as usual, and L would either listen to music, or watch me. Occasionally, I would let him share my book and we would read in harmony. 

Our reading pace matched perfectly, so it wasn't an irritation for me, because I read faster than the average student.

I began to trust L more and more, until my trust in him surpassed that of Taeyeon and Hyoyeon, eventually coming to trust him more than even my own mother. L became my sole confident, and I became his. With time, I told him my surname and that I was Hyoyeon and Taeyeon's younger sister; he, in return, told me his full name. 

Five months ago, I saw him smile for the first time. It was a beautiful, but rare sight.  The fact that his smiles were so rare made them all the more special, and I always knew they were sincere. As far as I know, I'm the only person who has ever seen his smile.

Four months ago, I asked him why he chose not to use his full name, and this is what he wrote in the small black notepad that he always seemed to carry with him, his messily elegant handwriting filling the lined page.

"Names give people almost unlimited power over you. I didn't want anyone I don't trust to have that much power over me."

That's how I knew that he trusted me, he had let me have unlimited power by giving me his name. Four months it had taken for us to fully trust each other, to open up, to let any walls that we had built fall down completely. I was vulnerable to him, and he to me. But I didn't mind.

Three months ago, he finally trusted me enough to disclose his most deeply buried secret to me, and I was shocked when I found out. I had always wondered why L never spoke, why he always wrote things down or used body language and gestures that only I knew, but I never pushed him to tell me. Now I knew why.

L couldn't speak at all

L was mute.

Two months ago, I felt a strange stirring inside of me. To this day, I don't know what it was. Love, friendship, or was it something else? I would never know because I was never given the chance

Last month, L started growing distracted. His grades slipped, he developed black circles under his eyes that never seemed to go away and his intense stares dulled, the black flame in his eyes turning into dying embers, a not even a fraction of what it once was.

 I worried for him, but I didn't question him. He would tell me if things got really serious, wouldn't he? Even through everything he was going through, he never neglected me. 

Not even once did he leave me on my own.

I thought he would never leave me alone.

Today is the day that I met him exactly eight months ago.

But he didn't come to school that day.

He didn't come the next day either.

Days turned into weeks; weeks eventually turning into months, but L never came back. I developed permanent dark circles under my eyes; my grades went from perfect to slightly less perfect. I was still top of the class by far, but I longer scored full marks on test and exams. 

I wasn't tied for top score with L anymore, and that bothered me, because it was a friendly competition between the two of us (in which we always tied), but getting first place to myself again wasn't gratifying when he wasn't here to share it with me. 

Nothing felt right without him here.

It's been a while now, since he left. Hyoyeon and Taeyeon graduated with flying colours, Taeyeon's getting married in a month, my mother is pregnant with a baby girl, and I constantly think about L. I, at long last, figured out what that stirring feeling was, his absence from my life making the keening more acute, making my feelings more clear to me.

I miss L a lot.

It's been so long

Where are you, Myungsoo?

My name is Suzy.

Bae Suzy

Someone finally stayed by my side long enough to unlock my surname, so I use it more often now than I used to before.

I'm a senior, just starting my last year at Jeonju High, 18 years old, and am still exceptionally friendless. I'm not as socially inept anymore, but I still have problems trusting and communicating with people. That's just the way I am.  

Last year, a girl transferred from China, and through my knowledge of Mandarin, we started conversing. Her name is Wang Feifei. I call her Fei, for simplicity's sake. I guess we're kind of friends.

I have 2 older sisters, both of them gorgeous, social butterflies. I'm no longer the hidden maknae of the family. Most people now know Hyoyeon and Taeyeon have a younger sister now. No one expected it to be me, honestly. 

I've only recently started making attachments to things, especially to my beloved baby sister Suyeon, and I know I'll get hurt in the end, but it's all worthwhile.

That's the way I'm beginning to prefer it, really.

It was announced this morning that we would be having a transfer student come to our class. When he first walked into our class, the first thing I noticed about him was that he was really tall, at least 20 centimetres taller than my 1,82 meter self.

When he was asked to introduce himself, he spoke in scratchy, unpractised but surprisingly clear and melodious voice. My breathing hastened with each word. My heart rang loudly in my ears, refusng to settle.

"My name is Kim Myungsoo."

I glanced up at him, still in shock from hearing him speak, when I knew that he shouldn't be able to. But he did. His eyes still burned with the same intense, black flame that drew me in like a moth the first time I saw him, piercing knowingly into my own. He smirked at me recognition and relief was clearly present in his eyes when he realized that recognized him too.

I fought down the hot, stinging tears pricking the back of my eyes that threatened to fall.

He nonchalantly set his bag down on the floor just like he did the first time, and sat down in the seat next to mine, that empty chair that haunted me.

I had kept that seat vacant, just as it was before L, and it has been ever since, my air of aloofness preventing anyone from even daring to take that seat. If anyone did try to claim it despite my cold looks, the glare I learned from L scared them away pretty quickly. Not even Fei sat there, she sat in the chair behind me.

But the seat wasn't empty anymore.

Instead, it was once again occupied by a by named L