Title: Memoirs

Genre:  AU, Romance, Angst

Rating:  R

Prompt: Sayonara No Ato De (rainbowfilling)

Pairing:  Yama

Word Count:  2,160

Length: One Shot

Summary:

Satoshi Ohno lives his day reminiscing about his past when it comes back to him. His former lover, who was in a deep trance, calls him at eleven o’clock (the time when his lover ends their relationship) and asks how he was. He was in the process of painting a picture of his lover whom he couldn’t forget, trying to understand what he had done wrong.

~~~

In a corner of the bustling city of Tokyo, as the clouds drop its white, cold breath, there is a certain man that our eyes will have to look at. He’s standing outside his veranda, the only place he knows that he could feel the bitter coldness of the weather and use it for his painting. Inside the small room, there are scattered buckets of paint on top of white protective sheets, and a large canvass is standing in the middle of the mess with an incomplete art work.

His heart is shaking, not because of the cold, but because of the pain that he is feeling. He is swallowed by the agonizing longing as he tried his best to paint a picture of his past on to the canvass. At the background, a song is playing; it is the echo of the final words that his lover said to him. The memories, they’re all coming back to him slowly like the pieces of paper that takes flight after being thrown from the window.

He left the picture to dry inside before he continued to put some more colors. As the man stares down to the city lights below the apartment building, white breath escapes in a sigh as he can’t even remember the warmth that he once felt with his lover. He tries to recall the hurtful words that his lover said to him, but he couldn’t. One by one, the people on the streets gradually disappears as he takes a packet of cigarettes from his shirt pocket and lights one. 

If he could only remember what he should have said back then, he probably wouldn’t be this way; but though he tries hard as he could, the memories that he wants so badly to vanish along with the pain in his heart stays with him. Finishing the cigarette, he takes another one and enters the room to look at his masterpiece.

The image that he is looking at right now was of his lover’s. The eyes are brown like a hazelnut’s color; the hair is with streaks of light brown and it is neatly brushed; it has a smile that is really lovely that when you look at it, it would make your heart melt; and the clothes are a red coat on top of a black and white checked collared shirt with a navy blue scarf. It is the reflection of Sho Sakurai, who was and is the person that he loves the most.

The man has finished the second cigarette that he just had and is about to pick up the paintbrush when the telephone rang. His hand is hovering just above the paintbrush before he decides to answer the call. He picks up the receiver and places it on his right ear. There is no sound coming from the other end, but he speaks anyway, “Hello?”

There is no answer to his greeting, still he speaks, “Who are you?”

Then there is a sound. It is muffled, but it is still a voice that sounded faraway, “Is this Satoshi Ohno?” 

It is a voice that is not unfamiliar to him. Curious, he answers, “Yes. I am Satoshi Ohno. Who is this?” 

“It doesn’t matter who I am.” The voice says, “Do you know Sakurai Sho?”

This time, we can see that there are tears that are now falling down from Satoshi’s eyes. It is salty, as he tastes them, the ones that fall near his lips. Trying to control the quiver in his voice, he replies, “Yes. I know Sakurai Sho.” 

There is silence in the other line once more. Then he hears a click. “I will call you back again later. Are you available at eleven this evening?” 

How could he possibly know if his is available at that time? He might be asleep then, for all he knew, but without waiting for his answer, the caller speaks again, “I’ll call you at eleven.” 

The call is cut and Satoshi stares at the receiver. Who was that man who called? He didn’t know, and since he isn’t going anywhere, there is no use for him to not answer the call. He goes back to the painting and once more, adds some colors to it. As he does, the music at the background stops and there is silence covering the place yet again. He isn’t distracted by this and continues to paint.

~***~

At this hour, Sho Sakurai is lying down on his bed. The room where he is sleeping is dark and the only light is coming from the window on the wall beside his bed. There, we can see a telephone sitting on the table at the far corner of the room. It is silent. It seems like the wires are cut, so that no one can call him; but they aren’t.

There is a wall clock hanging just near the telephone. Its hands are telling us that it is ten-forty eight. It is moving in a gradual motion, ticking its way to eleven. We look back to Sho Sakurai’s body lying on the bed. The bed sheets are covering his body half way, up to his elbows. His breathing is even and shallow, showing that he is really asleep. He has not moved as we walk around his bedroom.

In one corner of the room, there is a bookcase filled with variety of books. This is the only part of the room that seems to be unused for days; there are cobwebs on some nooks and crevices, and the books are filled with growing dust. Our eyes close in to one of the books entitled Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. In all the books in the bookcase, this one seems to be the one that is read a lot. We take it out from the case and surprisingly, it opens to the last chapter that Sho Sakurai must have read last.

Though we are curious, we close it and put it back to the shelf. We look back to the clock and see that is it already four minutes to eleven. As we did, there is a quiet sound that could be heard. We look around and see that Sho Sakurai has gotten up and is gone from the bed. It is certain that he is asleep when we last looked at him and in just a few minutes, he is gone. Where have he gone? We are not sure.

As though answering us, the telephone rings ominously. It is already eleven o’clock. Must we answer the telephone? No. As we walk in closer to where the telephone is, there is Sakurai Sho, talking to someone. He might be half awake, we couldn’t be sure. But his voice is muffled and we couldn’t hear what he is saying to the person on the other end.

As the call is connected, his mouth is moving slowly, then rapidly, but there is not a single sound that can be heard. It’s as if there is a glass that is surrounding him, keeping us from hearing the conversation. He keeps on talking and still, the sound is muffled and we could only watch him as he drops the receiver back to its cradle.

There is still no sound even though the call has ended. Sho Sakurai goes to the bookcase and takes the Pride and Prejudice and reads it. After quite some time, he stops reading, closes the book and goes back to the bed. He seems worn out as he searches for the answer that seems to be troubling him. He lays back down and falls back to sleep again.

The time passes and we see that Sho will not be awakening. We walk back to the shelf and pick up the book that he read. His breathing was normal and we can hear it as we take a look at the book; opening it to the last page he has left off. It seems that he tried to read the rest of it, but because of the phone call, his focus was not with the story instead with the call that he just had earlier. 

We come to realize that he is not going to wake up at this time. We look at the clock and see that the time is already twelve-twenty eight. As we glance back at Sho Sakurai, we can tell that he is having a dream that is very deep. His breathing is stable, but it hitches at some time. Seconds later, we can see that his eye lids are moving fast, irregularly from left to right.

~***~

This is the time that Sho Sakurai was talking over the phone. As we look at the person at the receiver, it is Satoshi Ohno. He is talking with the person that he had a conversation earlier. His left hand is itching and is holding a portion of his jeans that he could reach. He is trying his best to hold back the tears that are trying to fall down once again from his eyes. 

This time, we hear the conversation that he is having. “Yes?” 

“Are you alright?” The person at the other end asked. He is trying to work out the voice, but he knew that he knows the owner of the voice. 

“I am. Who is this?” He asks once again. He is terribly curious who the owner of the voice was. He is trying his best to know who it is and couldn’t, sadly, know who it is. Though he knows the owner, the name is at the back of his mind, he still couldn’t think clearly. 

“I was once yours and you were once mine,” the voice at the other line replies. 

The world seems to have stopped. Even though he tries his best to know who it the person on the other end is; he couldn’t remember that voice. The bustling sounds of Tokyo are stifling the clarity of the man’s voice on the other end and it is hindering him from knowing who the person he is talking with.

“I can’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Satoshi replies, “I was once yours? And you were once mine?” 

The person on the other line turns silent. It is some time before there are sounds once again. He could hear the shifting of the receiver and realizes at some point that the person on the other end has moved the receiver to the other ear. A sigh escapes his lips as he replies, “Is this Sho?”

There is an imaginary cold breeze that enters the room that he is in and he comprehends that it is his lover that he is talking with. He swallows and sighs once more. “Are you doing well?” 

This time, the person on the other end sighs. “Not well but I’m trying my best.”

Satoshi’s tone became low and unrecognizable. “What happened to us?” 

The conversation is getting nowhere. He is just wearing himself out as he try to recall the past. He is trying his best to search for the answer that he knows Sho wouldn’t be giving; not now, not ever. If he only is stronger, he would still be with the person that he is talking to right now. Still, every single time that he does try to be a little stronger, he realizes that he is just a coward. He knows that Sho’s family wouldn’t accept their relationship and he didn’t know what to do, so he just left and stayed away.

Sho’s voice resembles the memory that is carrying his distorted heart in his arms that is still aching. The dreams that he keeps on dreaming are unclear, but are real. He tries to reply, but his voice is becoming hoarse and in the end, he never gets to say what he wants to say. And tears gently fall down to the deepest parts of his being. He shifts the receiver to the other hand and clutches his right hand to his left chest, holding the imaginary heart that is his, choking on his tears.

The world suddenly stops revolving. Satoshi stares blankly into the air. What should I have told you? He asks himself. Still, he doesn’t know. And no matter how much time passes, he still couldn’t recall what he has forgotten to say to his lover. And still, though he tries to evoke the words that he should have said a long time ago, they wouldn’t come.

And the picture that he is painting remains a memory; a piece of the puzzle that he couldn’t place in his heart and mind. He tries to add more meaning to the riddle, but even as he falls asleep as the night deepened, the mystery of the words that he should have said before remains. Aimlessly, tears fall from his eyes; wanting to keep believe that what Sho said then wasn’t a lie. 

~~~

A/N:

I have written more than a couple of stories in this journal already and I have yet tried this kind of writing. It’s inspired by Haruki Murakami, one of my favorite authors. I also have incorporated the song Sayonara No Ato De by our beloved Arashi and Solanin by one of my favorite J-rock bands, Asian Kung Fu Generation.

This story is probably one of the most heartbreaking stories that I have written. My hands just pressed the keys of my laptop computer, the words flowing freely from my mind and soul. From my point of view, I tried to show how we see things in their different perspectives and even be part of the story. I hope that as you read this, you’ll be able to feel what I have felt as I was writing this.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this and leave some comment if you did.