Since high school started, maybe even before that, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my best friend. I could feel it, how we slowly drifted apart. Although I’ve been best friends, like real family, with him since I can remember, we’re too different. I used to always want to hang out with him and have play dates. I know it sounds selfish, but I want to be his only best friend and for him to want to hang out with me the most.

                I almost want to go back to the good old days. Back in elementary school, kindergarten to grade 6, because after that it just doesn’t seem right. At least not during school, he wouldn’t always come to eat with me or want to go hang out at break. There is always someone else for him to be with, a girlfriend or some other best friend in the class. It just felt that I wasn’t as close to him as I could be.

                It's funny, there was this one time that he told me how when he was with other people, he acts differently. I wish he could still tell me things like that.

                Now in high school, it’s worse. I don’t have any classes with him and the only times I see him or get to have a conversation is at lunch in the halls, or when we meet walking home or to school. He’s got other people besides me, his other friends that he sees all the time, and his girlfriend.

                I’m happy that he’s got someone he really likes and she seems like a great girl, but it kinda annoys me when he talks about her. Just because I want to be his best friend forever, the only one he see.

                We were supposed to be the bestest friends forever, just like brothers. That’s what I always thought and that’s what it’s always been like. Until now.             

                It could just be me, because I’m so insecure, self-conscious, awkward, and not always the most fun to be with. I’m just not good with lots of people, and I don’t like speaking in front of a lot of strangers when I don’t have my friends beside me. Not to mention that recently, I’ve become very anti-social. It’s almost a miracle if I go out with a friend.

                There are times that he has talked to me in the halls and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to embarrass myself. His personality is just so overwhelming and bright that I become partially shy. Part of it is my fault, because I’m not good with people, and for being the kid that no one really likes or hates, I’m just there and I don’t have many close friends. But part of it is his fault, for being the popular kid who everyone knows and loves, who can strike a conversation with anyone instantly.

                I don’t like him the way some people would think, they always ask if I have a crush on him, usually by how much I talk about him or refer to him when I tell stories. It’s just that ever since I can remember, we’ve been best friends and I’ve done so much with him. While now I would prefer to stay inside and watch shows, or just be alone.

                I know I’ve changed, but so has he. I’m sad that I’m not as important to him as I have been before. I know it’s okay to have other friends, and I can’t always be the one to hang out with him.

                But all I want is a best friend that I can joke around with and be myself, someone that I can tell everything to and know they won’t judge. Someone who can rely on me and tell me their problems so I can help them with whatever they need.

                I don’t want to keep thinking these saddening thoughts anymore. I don’t want to have that “What if?” swimming around in my mind anymore. What if I was never his best friend? What if he never actually wanted to be friends with me? What if he doesn’t like me? What if I was never important? I don’t want to think like that, I don’t want to believe it, and I don’t want any more of this to continue.

                It's hard coming home from school every day and being asked how my best friend is doing. I have to say the usual “He’s good.” Even if I didn’t see him once that day, not even knowing if he went to school. When my family still thinks that we’re best friends and will always be together, while whenever I see him I want to ask if we're still close.

                I want to know if to him, I still am his best friend. If he still looks at me the same way as when we were younger.

                There was a time when I did like him, it may have been just a simple childish thing to do now that I look back. Although lately he's all that's been on my mind, so maybe there are some emotions deep inside me. It's no lie that I am spoiled, and I only want him, for him to be here forever and to hug me when I'm sad. I want him to always be there for me, and I'll always be there for him. 

                It may sound stupid and silly, but there are many small details that I imagined what he would have done. In class when I'm all alone with none of my friends, I wish that he was there to sit beside me. So that he would look dead in my eyes and give me that wonderful look when the teacher says we can pick our partners. I long for those moments where he rushes down the hall with his lunch, sitting right next to me eagerly. Why can't I have him to myself? Is that such a bad thing?

                I can’t make new friends easily, and I can’t keep old friends around. It’s frustrating and it makes me want to cry. I wish I could be better, so that he would come back to me, so that we could be together again. I don’t want to have to feel an anger inside of me when I see him upload pictures of him and other people. Times that he spent and had so much fun when I wasn’t around, because I can’t provide that sort of fun.

                It hurts, it hurts me so badly. People mature and they change, high school is a giant factor that can change so many people. He’s grown and changed, although his cheery personality is still there and the same.

                All I want is to be a big part of his life, to be invited to his wedding, to be there for him when he needs someone. All I want is to be the one he calls when something happens, to be the person he looks for in his troubling times. I know I sound greedy, but I’m willing to admit that I am a greedy person if it means I can have him by my side always.

                All I want is my best friend back.