chapter three

A week flew past fast. Donghae came to the realisation that you can get a lot done in a week’s time. During the week, he met up with several other main actors and actresses, quickly filling in the roles of his movie. Now, he only has the cameos and non-important, small roles to be given to people. To be frank, Donghae wasn’t worried much by those roles, at the end of the day, if no one can fit the role, then he can always get his crew to try. They only appear on screen for a second or two, and are the structure behind the main roles.

Although, it still felt like something was plaguing his mind. His heart, too, felt stuffed by cotton, too heavy to move around. It was similar to gaining weight, and there’s always this constant, dull thud of his heartbeat that reminds him of his life, and how he is satisfied but he is not. There is something Donghae wants desperately, and he knows he needs it, but what exactly he doesn’t know. It’s a fruitless search in the dark, a leap of faith that is probable to result in broken bones and punctured strengths.

Times like this the energy out of the male, making Donghae feel weak; like a fish pulled out of water, and all he can do mentally is collapse to the ground and suffocate eagerly — waiting for death to come along and give him some sort of relief. The fish flops with high expectations to be rescued and return to its comfort, but with each jump only results in a fall that hurts a little too much than the previous, and a little hope die along the way.

Donghae learnt this through getting hurt.

But he is human, and humans are fallible, and they tend to repeat mistakes because they feel that next time, the outcome somehow will be better than before. Donghae is no exception to this. He knows that missing someone only brings pain that exacerbates with growing time, and that denial acts like a tranquilizer. During those years of his absence, there were a lot of questions conquering what is little left of his thoughts. Would Hyukjae know of his whereabouts? What would Hyukjae’s reaction be to the conditions he suffered through in order to see daylight? Living in a cheap underground room for two years and a half; living on instant noodles and during times of financial difficulty, dog food would be his only source of energy. Will Hyukjae think badly of him if he found out? Does Hyukjae even think of him at all?

Would the other offer a hand of friendship? Should he accept it despite their past? But most importantly, does Hyukjae ever regret their separation?

Donghae went through hard times. Yes, he's from a rich family, but taking money from his parents seemed wrong; not to mention his father had cut all ties with Donghae. Donghae would rather starve to death knowing he tried than to shamefully reach out to his family and admit defeat.

Yes, he was defeated. But not because he didn't listen to his parents’ heavy warning that foreshadowed his life today; rather he was defeated by his own stupidity. How could he ever have thought it would have last for the rest of his life? Where was Hyukjae like the male promised when Donghae was crying himself to sleep all those nights? Where was the other male when Donghae felt like giving up and let the world do whatever to him; and his body? Where was Hyukjae’s warmth when Donghae shivered under thin layers of flimsy blankets, curled up like a foetus missing his  connection to his family?

Those first few years, his English wasn't good, and he could not find well paying jobs. He could barely afford the rent of the crappy shared house with two other families, he himself living in tightness of a room underground in the cellar. Most of his income went towards his tuition fees and rent, with only scraps left for food and clothes.

He terribly missed Korea back then.

Slowly, as everything progressed and economy improved, Donghae found himself smiling for a second longer, a reason more than before. The money he earned could be saved up, and his grades were rising the more hours he spent studying the now-understood textbook. Surpassing all of his dreams was the day Donghae came to his first movie set. Sure, the movie wasn't the best produced, and Donghae was only the backstage crew; he managed to learn why the movie wasn't as good as planned and gain plenty of experience.

The day Donghae met a half Korean, half American actor, Kibum Lawson, the male couldn't be any more thankful. It was for another movie, and through small and light interactions, the two became the best friends they are today. They talked in English with Kibum attempting to speak his native language, and realised they had a lot in common.

How Donghae met Jongwoon was a different story. When the former had accidentally stumbled into a club, and somehow gotten himself drunk to overshadow the sorrow creeping in again, Donghae met Jongwoon. They must have talked, and Donghae doesn't know — even up to this day — what Jongwoon has that makes him so mysterious but he came back for more.

And this relationship he had with Jongwoon today; kissing and touching but nothing beyond occasional groping — he had not idea what to call it. They found each other attractive, but not in the same way as one would choose a partner. No, they appreciated how each other was aesthetically pleasing, and emotionally comforting (more Jongwoon to Donghae, the latter must admit) and the void is filled.

Hugging Jongwoon gave Donghae warmth.

Touching Jongwoon lessened the loneliness of dark nights.

Kissing Jongwoon felt nice and right. Because at the precise moment of lips brushing against lips, he's not lonely anymore: Jongwoon is his companion and friend.

So, when Donghae received funding from his close friends and others who see potential in this new director, and the male himself wanting to shoot his first movie in Korea, Jongwoon was on top of Donghae’s to-bring-list. Donghae didn't care for anything but the tingling pleasantness Jongwoon gives him and their years of good friendship laid out on the table. Still, Donghae felt bad for Jongwoon quitting his well paying job (he's paying Jongwoon no less though) to turn from a y bartender to a…cleaner and personal butler.

The male had to admit though, part of him will never forget what it felt like to be loved and treasured by Hyukjae. That was partly the reason of his return, whether Donghae like to confess or not.

•••

Hyukjae had expectations. Others had expectations of Hyukjae also.

The rising star expected his life to be a happy one now that he has enough money (heck, more than enough), he has fame and fortune, but the person he designed the dream with was gone.

Donghae wasn't by his side, everything was as good as useless.

Sure, he had marble floors and granite kitchen counters, a massive apartment in a peaceful little neighbourhood with lovely scenery, and maybe he had wardrobes of designer clothes and specially tailored ones, a luxurious bed that would put a cloud’s softness to shame, and items so on. What good does it do other than it made his life better than before? The person he wanted to share all of his wealth and earnings is no longer here.

And that happened because Hyukjae was too carried away with the process that he turned away from the person he built everything for. He was the builder of the mansion, but he had neglected the owner so much that the owner had left. What good is the house to a builder who already have his own home?

Perhaps it was god’s way of punishing him, but Hyukjae feels the old him being taken away with Donghae. Since the night of his boyfriend’s departure — for they never properly broke off, they just left each other — Hyukjae changed. Hyukjae vowed to focus on nothing but becoming more and more famous.

That was the only way to put aside the heartache.

Work piled on, and so the Korean star worked on. Day and nights; nights and day. Until finally, he had worked up from a back up actor to Korea’s most loved face.

Without question, he still misses Donghae. Terribly.

He never stopped.

Those nights where he laid in his bed, missing the warmth of the vacant space next to his body, Hyukjae cried as a way of apologising.

Will he ever meet Donghae again?

Guilt eats the man alive day by day, breaking down his confidence into nothing but nauseating emotions and a wrecked heart. The actor was petrified of many things, of friends enquiring after his state of mentality, of his favourite memories beginning to roll back and forth to disrupt the blankness of his brain. But most importantly, the one thing Hyukjae dreaded was to hear about Donghae’s whereabouts and how the said man is doing all these years. He's not ready to see the other’s new life without him, he's not ready to see a living organism that will trigger a remorseful feeling of regret for not doing what should've happened; and for doing things he shouldn't have done.

Those moments and long hours when the said male comes to Hyukjae’s mind, forcing Hyukjae to think about their before. Suddenly missing Donghae is not strange anymore after it began happening more than frequent, and questions would pop up. Is he living happily or is he suffering grievances?

Hyukjae is an actor, and a top one at that. He can fool everyone with his skills, but he knew  better than anyone what he's truly hiding.

After all, tears never fail to reflect the truth.

•••

Hot lips grazed thin ones, as limbs entangle with carnal desire. Their bodies appear to mould into one, with each caress and brush and sweet loving pecks on collarbones. White pearls nipped at foreign, salty skin of necks, heat given off tanned skin replicating the sunset behind them. Donghae panted