Kim Kibum: Age 18, March 25^th

“You know what day it is today?!” Jessica squealed excitedly at Kibum.

Kibum watched as the nicely dressed—now brunette—girl jumped around ecstatically around him.

“Friday,” Kibum answered in monotone.

“No,” Jessica replied. “It’s a special day!”

“Oh, I can guess this one!” Kibum said fake-excitedly. “The day your period ends for the next four weeks?”

Jessica gave him an unsatisfied look. “It’s me and Jongie’s anniversary!”

Kibum’s small amount of excitement was deflated and he sat down on Jessica’s couch. “Why am I here then?” he asked.

“Well you see,” Jessica began. “You’re going to cook our dinner!”

Kibum raised an eyebrow in confusion. It took Kibum a minute or two to understand what Jessica wanted him to do and his legs were going to make a quick dash for the door until Jessica decided to literally tackle him to the ground. His back harshly collided with the hard floorboards and the newly brunette girl was on top of him.

“You’re not going anywhere!” she told him and he scoffed.

“I’m a man and I am probably three times your weight so to save your own life, it’s probably best that you get that skinny of yours off of my crotch,” Kibum threatened and she did.

Kibum got up and flattened the wrinkles in his shirt and eventually turned to the girl that stood before him wearing a lovely red piece topped with some killer heels. “You should probably change,” Kibum suggested casually.

“Why?” she asked.

Kibum gave her a quick up and down glance. “He’ll probably think you look like a hooker.”

“As long as he doesn’t tell me straight up then I have no problem,” she countered.

“At least don’t go nuts with the make-up next time. You look ridiculous,” he chuckled.

Jessica dismissed the comment with a hand gesture and proceeded to ask him whether or not he will cook a lovely dinner for her and her “Jongie” which he immediately cut off with a serious no, adding that he’d rather be cooking for Nicole which set Jessica off like a ticking time bomb.

“What did I tell you about mentioning the ‘N’ word around me?” Jessica said, trying to sound as threatening as possible and failed miserably as Kibum proceeded to chant Nicole over and over again just to spite her.

“Come on Kibum. Do this for me… Unless you have any plans with that never-ending list of friends you have?” Jessica said. She gasped. “Oh wait, I’m your only friend, and you don’t have a life so you might as well just lock yourself in my kitchen and cook me and Jongie a five-star ing dinner,” she ordered and pushed Kibum into her kitchen.

“God ing dammit,” Kibum muttered when he found himself in the kitchen by himself. He was locked in there like Jessica’s little pet and there was no way out. It would’ve been a little helpful if the demanding told him what to cook but no, he was locked in her kitchen with his mind stripped of even the slightest idea about what to do. Kibum has been to her house before and he knew that their pantry was packed with spices and basically a chef’s dream but Kibum lacked creativity and ideas so at that rate, he wasn’t going to get anywhere.

Instead, he did what he always did: count. When he reached 60 seconds he heard the front door open followed by an excited “Jongie!”

Kibum rolled his eyes and continued counting. He paced around the room and listened to the silence. He assumed that they probably made it to the couch and decided to get the making out over with first. Kibum cringed at the thought of this Jongie ripping her dress open and taking her there on the couch which Kibum had been tackled onto many times when he refused to give in to Jessica’s incessant orders and demands.

But he heard no so he they probably weren’t getting it on…which was odd. It was quiet. What could they possibly be doing?

By the time Kibum reached exactly 600 seconds, he heard Jessica’s loud, irritating laughter and he winced. He decided that in a few minutes Jessica would barge into the kitchen and ask where her food for her and her Jongie was. He could only imagine the never-ending fit she would throw when she finds out that he didn’t do jack when he was in there except for counting how many seconds it took for her to barge in.

He decided to pop open the pantry and check for ingredients and it was like ing Narnia. It was a walk in pantry which made it seem more like Narnia. He casually pushed into the wall and hoped to find a secret entrance to an alternative world. At that point, Kibum decided that he should probably try getting a life.

About 900 seconds into cooking (yes, Kibum was still counting), he accidentally cut his thumb while cutting the onions. He stared as the thick, red substance dripped down his thumb and onto the chopping board. He just stared as the waterfall of blood rushed out of the cut in his thumb and 15 seconds passed after that until Kibum found a towel to press to his wound. Kibum stared at the knife blankly and then his eyes darted to his wound. It didn’t hurt. It felt…right.

Kibum had thought about the concept of cutting but never had the balls to actually do it. He’s heard about students in his school cutting themselves and most of those people eventually received help. Students who cut themselves always said that nobody understood why they did that to themselves. Maybe if Kibum started then maybe he’d understand.

Kibum picked up the knife cautiously and brought the tip to his palm. Without any thought, he pressed it into his skin and dragged it down, making a cut along the length of his palm. The blood dripped down his arm and eventually dripped onto the floor. Kibum, in shock because of what he had just done, threw the knife to the other side of the kitchen and it landed onto the tiles with an incisive noise.

He heard chatter from the living room adjacent to the kitchen and he heard footsteps nearing, alarming him to get up.

“What…” someone said as they walked into the kitchen and Kibum turned around with the towel wrapped around his entire hand.

“Don’t call the cops,” he said as calmly as he could when he made eye contact with a pair of gleaming puppy eyes.

The guy tilted his head in a confused manner, making Kibum impatient as he told him that Jessica locked him in her kitchen because she wanted him to cook their dinner. He nodded his head slowly and watched as his eyes wandered to his hand which was wrapped with a white towel…or what was a white towel.

“Oh my God you’re bleeding!” the guy gasped and started opening up cupboards.

“What are you doing?” Kibum asked.

“Looking for a first-aid kit,” he answered.

“I’m fine,” Kibum told him when he clearly knew he wasn’t. He had been bleeding for about two minutes and he knew that if no one treated his wounds then he could risk dying from blood loss.

“Here we go,” the guy said when he finally found the damned kit. “Show me your hand.”

Kibum hesitated before removing the towel and when he did, waves of blood spilled from the cut and the guy wrapped it around with about three layers of bandages.

“How did this happen?” he asked Kibum.

“Cutting onions can be a ,” Kibum replied.

“How can someone cut his palm like this while cutting onions?”

“Well you’re a bit nosey.”

“…Sorry,” the guy replied as he wrapped his hand with one last bandage.

“Jongie I—Kibum!” Jessica exclaimed as she walked in, pretending to be shocked at Kibum’s presence.

Kibum rolled his eyes. “I told him,” he said and Jessica’s jaw dropped.

“Are you serious?!”

“Jess, its fine,” the guy said and stepped away from Kibum.

“Kibum what happened to your hand?!” she exclaimed and rushed over to him, pushing her precious Jongie out of the way.

“I’m fine,” Kibum informed her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Now go back to your date,” Kibum said and she smiled.

She turned around and grabbed her Jongie’s hand and led him outside.

Kibum shook his head. “God she’s annoying sometimes.”

Kim Kibum: Age 18, April 8^th

Kibum stared at himself in the mirror, admiring his cuts. They had become more noticeable since there were a lot. It ended up being his thing. He did it when he felt like it—and he always felt like it. He always covered them, asking Jessica if he could borrow her make-up to cover his non-existent blemishes on his face.

“Kibum! How long does it take you to put a ing shirt on?!” Jessica yelled from outside his room.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” he yelled back and buttoned his shirt up.
 

They walked into a club, music blaring and colourful lights being flashed everywhere, almost blinding Kibum.

“How did you end up convincing me to come here again?” Kibum asked—having to lean in close because the music was just too loud. God, it was like that party last year except it wasn’t illegal for them to drink anymore.

“I threatened to rip up your favourite pair of jeans, you know, the one I got you?” Jessica replied.

“Oh yeah…”

“And you’re my best friend so you kind of have to come with me whenever I drag you somewhere,” she added.

“Oh yeah…”

“And you can officially meet my Jongie!” she squealed and clapped her hands excitedly.

“I don’t want to meet your Jongie though,” Kibum confessed honestly. Although it wasn’t really a confession because Jessica already knew that he couldn’t care less about that guy.

“Come on, you’ll like him,” she told Kibum and Kibum scoffed.

“Please,” he began. “Remember that time when you forced me to go to that party and it ended up and everyone ended up getting arrested?”

Jessica slapped him in the arm. “God, this is the ing millionth time I told you to not mention that night!”

“I like reminding you of your stupid mistakes,” Kibum answered with a smirk.

“….”

They approached a booth where two guys and a girl were sitting. Kibum could already sense what a ty night it was going to turn out to be. Jessica practically pounced on her Jongie and Kibum just casually sat down next to the guy sitting next to Jonghyun.

“I’m Donghae,” the guy introduced and Kibum nodded.

“Kibum”

They both nodded afterwards awkwardly and Jessica finally settled between Jongie and the other girl who Kibum didn’t know.

“Kibum, this is my Jongie.”

“We’ve met before,” Jongie said. “My real name’s Jonghyun…You seriously don’t remember me?”

Kibum raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “You helped me when I accidentally cut myself,” Kibum said.

“I’m hallway guy,” Jonghyun told him.

Kibum thought for a moment and then remembered that time when he bumped into someone in the hallway and he didn’t apologise. “Oh yeah…”

“Kibum’s pretty ty at remembering things,” Jessica said.

“It’s true,” Kibum admitted and fake chuckled. You know, that chuckle you chuckle when you really don’t care what someone just said and you really want to leave but you can’t?

“Anyway, this lovely lady here is Soonkyu,” Jessica said and pointed at the smiling girl beside her. “We call her Sunny though.”

“Because she’s like the sun,” Donghae added. “She’s always happy and bright. She brings the light to our lives.”

“How sweet,” Kibum replied sarcastically.

“And she’s Donghae’s girlfriend,” Jonghyun said.

Donghae elbowed Jonghyun. “She’s not,” Donghae said.

“But he wishes she was,” Jonghyun teased.

“Go make-out with your girlfriend and leave me alone you ,” Donghae told him harshly and pushed him. Sunny just sat there with an awkward smile on her face.

“Shall I order drinks?” Sunny asked.

“That sounds like a great idea,” Kibum piped up. He had no intention of getting drunk, but it seemed like a pretty good idea.

The petite girl stood up and headed over to the bar while Donghae and Kibum sat there awkwardly as Jonghyun and Jessica started to get comfortable with each other.

“I deal with that every day,” Donghae said, trying to start conversation with Kibum. Kibum responded with a “me too.” He decided he liked this Donghae fellow. He seemed as if he didn’t want to be there either.

“Guys can you not,” Donghae later complained as Jonghyun and Jessica got too comfortable.

“If you had the balls to ask Sunny out last year then maybe you’d be in our position right now,” Jessica mocked.

“ ,” Donghae retorted.

“I will,” Jessica smirked.

“Image, image,” Kibum complained.

Jessica laughed and she and Jonghyun went back to getting comfortable.

“Sunny better be back with those drinks soon,” Donghae said as he leaned back in his seat. “I can’t wait to get -faced.”

“I really don’t want to be here,” Kibum replied honestly and leaned back with him.

“Me either,” Donghae said and quickly changed the topic, saying, “Jessica looks like a hooker today,” loud enough for Jessica herself to her and she opened one of her eyes. Still kissing her Jongie she flipped him the middle finger.

Kibum laughed. “She looks like a hooker every day.”

Donghae grinned. “Just look at the red lipstick. She’s probably smearing all of that on Jonghyun’s lips.”

“And that dress,” Kibum added. “God honey, as if anyone would want to look at your .”

“They wouldn’t have time to look at her because people would still be staring at her face trying to distinguish whether or not she’s a girl who’s just wearing too much make-up or a transvestite.”   

Jessica parted from Jonghyun’s lips. “Hey -heads, I’m right here.”

“We noticed,” Kibum replied casually.

“Well I can hear you,” she said.

“We know,” Donghae answered this time. “You’re supposed to.”

“You’re both s. God!” she whined.

“Ignore us and continue with your making-out,” Donghae told the girl.

“It’s like watching ,” Kibum laughed.

“Gay ,” Donghae added.

“Yeah because Jessica looks like a transvestite.”

After that the two erupted into laughter while Sunny came back with the drinks staring at the two in confusion.

“Don’t ask,” Jessica told her and went back to paying attention to Jonghyun.

Sunny just nodded and placed the drinks on the table in front of them and reclaimed her spot next to Jessica.

“They seem to be having fun,” she pointed out, referring to Jessica and Jonghyun.

“Jessica’s enjoying it way too much,” Kibum said when he and Donghae finally calmed down.

“This is the worst I’ve ever seen,” Donghae commented.
Jessica and Jonghyun finally moved away from each other and Jessica glared at the two.

“Hey guys, it’s my birthday and I don’t want to have to deal with a pissed off girlfriend, okay?” Jonghyun said, catching his breath.

“Oh I forgot it was your birthday,” Donghae joked.

“I didn’t even know it was your birthday.”

“It’s alright newcomer,” Sunny said.
“No one expected you to even come. Jessica informed us on how much you hate living and loosening up.”

Kibum nodded while responding with a “Yeah its true.”

“It took a lot of effort to drag his here,” Jessica said.

“Sorry,” Kibum said sarcastically. “I just didn’t want to risk getting arrested again.”

“You were there at JongMin’s birthday party last year?” Sunny asked.

“Yeah, but I left before the cops came,” Kibum replied.

“Same,” Jonghyun piped up.

“Hey Jonghyun, you know your girlfriend was trying to hit on me that night,” Donghae informed with a smirk.

“Hey Donghae, you know I don’t give a ?” Jonghyun replied while Jessica blushed.

“Hey, I didn’t buy these drinks for nothing you know,” Sunny said, followed by a bunch of “Oh Yeah’s” and everyone picked up a glass.

“Cheers,” Jonghyun, Jessica, Donghae and Sunny said while Kibum remained silent.

An hour later and about five rounds later, Donghae, Sunny and Jessica ventured off to the dancefloor leaving Jonghyun and Kibum alone together. Kibum’s legs were propped up on the table and Jonghyun stared out in front of him in a daze. The music was nothing but just soft background noise and the people on the dancefloor were blurred together.

“Are you drunk?” Jonghyun asked Kibum.

“I don’t know. What are the symptoms of being drunk?” Kibum asked.

“Umm…Let’s see, incoherency is the main one…sickness…ty eyesight…and sometimes you feel kind of ,” Jonghyun answered.

“Umm, incoherency: check. Sickness: sort of. ty eyesight: check. : No,” Kibum replied with a goofy smile.

“Then I guess you’re drunk.”

“Are you?” Kibum asked dumbly.

“…I think so…” Jonghyun replied and the two started laughing for no reason.

Kibum stopped laughing. “I hope I don’t end up in your bed.”

“I do,” Jonghyun replied with a smirk.
“I don’t know how Jessica would feel about that.”

“ her.”

Kibum looked at him and tilted his head. “But that’s your job.”

Jonghyun chuckled. “No, I mean who cares about her?”

“…Don’t you…?”

Jonghyun looked at him with the most serious face he could pull off despite being drunk. “I kind of…really hate her…but shh, because it’s a secret and if she finds out…then she’ll be real mad.”

Kibum nodded. “You wanna know my secret?!” Kibum asked with a sly grin.

“Yeah,” Jonghyun answered.

“I cut myself,” Kibum confessed.

Jonghyun laughed. “No way.”

“Yeah! But don’t tell anyone or else Jessica will send me to some ing psychiatrist.”

The two were silent before they suddenly began laughing their drunk asses off.
Once they calmed down, Jonghyun scooted over closer to Kibum. He rested his head on Kibum’s shoulder and smiled. “Hey…You’re really cute.”

“Shut up…” Kibum replied.

“You know that party last year?” Jonghyun asked and he felt Kibum nod his head. “I was going to ask you out but then you bailed. I was going to ask you out again the next day…But you were with Jessica.”

Kibum laughed. “I would’ve said no.”

“If you did then I would’ve kept asking you until you said yes.”

“I would’ve put a restraining order on you.”

Jonghyun’s grin faded. “Then I asked Jessica out…because I knew she was always with you. I asked her out so I could get closer to you.”

“And how’d that go?” Kibum chuckled.

Jonghyun grinned again and his hand found Kibum’s and he held it, squeezing softly. “It’s going pretty well,” he answered.

So they stayed like that; Jonghyun leaning his head on Kibum’s shoulder and holding his hand. They didn’t care if people were staring at them or if the others would come back and see them in that position. They were drunk and they didn’t care.

“So what does it feel like?” Jonghyun asked after what seemed like an hour of listening to repetitive club music and indistinct chatter.

“What does what feel like?” Kibum replied.

“You know…Like…When you cut yourself?”

“It feels…like being drunk,” Kibum answered. He didn’t really know what he meant by that. He was too drunk to think of a proper answer that made sense but then again, Jonghyun was drunk too. He probably didn’t even care what his answer was.

“How so?” Jonghyun asked curiously afterwards.
Kibum sighed. “It just…the feeling just washes over you…you know? You feel dizzy and everything just stops and…it just kind of feels right. It…It’s relieving.”

“Why do you cut yourself anyway?” Jonghyun ended up asking.

Kibum smiled. “You’re a curious one.”

“Answer me.”

Kibum hesitated for a while. “Well…” Kibum bit his lip and let go of Jonghyun’s hand. “When I was little…These guys…They were all wearing black clothing. They murdered my parents.”

“You watched them?” Jonghyun asked.

“…Yeah…Yeah I did. And like…After that I just….That scene just keeps replaying in my mind over and over again and I can’t get it out. There’s nothing I can do about it. And I keep having this same nightmare where I’m in this warehouse and this guy keeps stabbing my parents and I just sit on a chair and watch them bleed to death.”

Jonghyun shifted, trying to get closer to Kibum again. “That’s…”
 “Pretty ty,” Kibum finished for him.

“…Yeah,” Jonghyun said, not really knowing what else to say.

“It’s like I never really got to escape my demons and my monsters. The entire world is like a monster… I just can’t get over what happened. Whenever I met new people…All I pictured were those guys. It’s like I’m my own monster.”

Kibum felt Jonghyun nod, and his hand was holding his again, squeezing harder than ever. “So…You’re your own monster because…You keep letting the same thoughts control your mind?”

Kibum didn’t really understand but it sounded about right.

“I don’t get it,” Jonghyun said.

Kibum sighed. “You know…No one really does.”

Jonghyun kissed his shoulder and squeezed his hand again.

And they stayed like that.

Kim Kibum: Age 18, The Next Day

Kibum found himself in his own bed the next day. How he got home? He didn’t know. The only thing that mattered is that he was home and he was safe and he had a massive headache. Kibum’s digital clock read that it was 1pm and the sunlight peeped through the cracks in the blinds, painting half his room with light. Kibum buried his face in his pillow and groaned. His pillow smiled like the club from yesterday.

When he was about to suffocate, he flipped over and stared up at the ceiling. He stretched his arms and sat up while doing so. Yep, it was definitely his room and he was definitely in his bed. On the pillow though, was a piece of paper. Why was there a piece of paper on his pillow? He didn’t know. He picked it up though. It was folded. He unfolded it and it simply read “thanks.”

There wasn’t a name. It was just the word ‘thanks’ written in extremely messy handwriting. He didn’t know who it was from, but Kibum prayed to God that he didn’t have last night.

Kibum was casually walking around school with the paper in his hand. He figured out who it was from. Well he thinks he figured out who it was from and he found himself standing in front of Jonghyun and Donghae in front of the music room.
“Hi,” Kibum said casually and the other two replied with a manly “sup.”

“I have dance,” Donghae said and bid the two ‘goodbye’ and it was just Kibum and Jonghyun for the second time in Kibum’s life.

“Hey Jonghyun,” Kibum said.

“Hi,” the other replied and Kibum began unfolding the paper slowly.

“Is this from you?” Kibum asked him and held up the paper in front of his face.

Jonghyun took the paper from his hand and examined it carefully. “Nope,” Jonghyun ended up answering.

“No?” Kibum questioned in confusion.

“I have messy handwriting…but not as messy as this. When did you get this?”

“It was on my pillow when I woke up on Saturday,” Kibum answered anxiously. “Hey Jonghyun, do you know if I went home with anyone on Friday?”

Jonghyun was in deep thought for a good minute or two. “Yeah,” he said and Kibum’s eyes widened. “Who?”

“Some guy.”

Well that was helpful. “Do you know if we…” Kibum trailed off and Jonghyun still got the message.

“I don’t know,” Jonghyun answered. “Did you…?”

Suddenly, everything flashed through Kibum’s mind; everything that happened that Friday night. There was a guy. There was definitely a guy… And there was . There was definitely .

Kibum gasped and then he started sprinting the other way. He sprinted until he was outside in the school parking lot and he was gasping for breath with hot tears running down his face. His couldn’t even breathe.

Kibum turned around and it turned out Jonghyun followed him because he was standing right there in front of him. “Kibum…” Jonghyun said breathlessly.

More tears fell from his eyes and he was breathing heavily. “I wasn’t ready,” he simply said and he started crying even harder. Jonghyun stepped forward and Kibum stepped back. “Everything is so ed up!” Kibum screamed and Jonghyun tried to calm him down but Kibum just kept on going, repeating the same thing over and over again. “I wasn’t ready,” he said breathlessly.

“I know—“

“I wasn’t ready. Oh God. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ing ready.”

“Kibum!” Jonghyun yelled and his arms were around Kibum’s limp body and his arms instinctively wrapped around Jonghyun’s body, his tears already staining his shirt.

“I wasn’t ready,” Kibum repeated for the last time and closed his eyes.

Jonghyun rubbed his back and kissed his forehead. “I’m here,” he whispered calmly into his ears and that’s all it took for the entire world to stop. It was just them and their hearts racing.

And they stayed like that.

**********

A/N:

Hello, ShiningTaemint here.

This is me going back to tackling the 'angst' genre once again. You have no idea how much of a this was to write. It was originally 6000+ words and 18 pages on Word so yeah, I obviously had to split it up into two parts. For those of you who finished it and are currently reading this A/N:

*clap clap clap clap clap*

Seriously, I couldn't even be bothered to thoroughly edit this XD

Sorry for any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes.

Comments are loved <3