Saturday
Saturday
--
54th week
--
“KYU PLEASE STOP!!”
He doesn’t stops.
It’s raining outside, the heavy one. He not really care when he can feels his sister hands try to prevent him to run outside. He also not listen to it when his sister screaming his name through the rain, like the droplet makes it’s blur within the water. He lost direction. He just ran as fast as he could and not have any idea where he supposed to go, until he stops in the middle of the road and reality hit him.
The rain keeps falling. It feels like thousands of needles pointing at his skin. His head somehow feels hurt when the droplet hit his head with no mercy. He thinking about something while he close his eyes. The water never stop streaming down from his face, and somehow, he doesn’t know whether that is water from the rain, or tears that comes from his eyes. His head really hurt.
He opens his eyes slowly as he start to bite his bottom lips to prevent him from screaming at ease for how he’s feeling now. He is just thinking about one thing right now. He doesn’t know if he should do it, but then, he makes this to the other before. His breath is getting heavy. He starts to walk again, with his eyes closed.
“WATCH OUT!!”
Someone screaming from the side road, and for Kyu he no need minutes for him to feel that thing. He means it. he doesn’t really know what happen, but all he can feel is how his body being hit from his side really hard, before he feels like rolling over something really cold, perhaps a car roof, before he fall into the puddle of water on the ground. He not even try to open his eyes at once because it feels like hell when he try to move his body after the sudden hit. He can feels something warm start rolling down a little from his forehead. It’s really warm, and the smell really weird. He laughs to himself when he feels like he know what kind of liquid on his face now, instead of the rain.
“KYU! OPEN YOUR EYES! KYU LISTEN TO ME! KYU PLEASE!”
He can hear so many voices around him, but he knows this certain voice, it’s Ahra. Even he still close his eyes, he can perfectly picturing her try to lift his body, because he feels her hand over his body. The rain keeps hitting his face, and it’s weird, when slowly but sure, he cannot really feels the droplet anymore. His head really hurt, his body sore, and his heart ache. He try to move his lips a little turn it into smile a little bit as the voice around him turn to fade away, even the rain that never stop. He doesn’t know where they’re going since he never open his eyes especially when the silenced hit him and really take his consciousness with.
--
Suddenly Changmin smile to himself as he bring his head down and smile goofily.
“What?” Kyu ask him with annoyed face seems he thought like Changmin thing something stupid about him.
“Nothing.” Changmin is calming himself as he is bring his head up once again and look at Kyu in the eyes. He put one of his hand over the table so it can support his head by his chin, before he smile again as he continue “Sometimes I wonder about one thing between you and me.”
“Oh, really?” Kyu laughs a little as he copying Changmin’s act by put his chin over his hand “What is it?”
“How long ago did I fell in love with you?”
--
1st week
--
When he opens his eyes, the first thing that all he can feel is how hurt his head is. It’s not like someone just hit him with a stick or something, it just hurt because of the booze that he drank last night. He is partying like a crazy monkey with bottles of booze, some girls and even drugs. He doesn’t much remember about last night, not really, even there is a girl sleep beside him now, and he’s sure if she’s , he can’t remember any of those things that happen last night.
He wakes his body into sit position. Holding his head really hard because with his sudden act, only makes it dizzy like hell. He closes his eyes, hiss in pain when all he can feel now beside his stingy head is how sore whole his body is. He gritted his teeth as he try to get off from the bed, he need to pee.
Walking on the cold floor only makes his consciousness back little by little. He still close his eyes when he get inside the loo, but open it eventually when the light inside is shining like a sun at noon. He sighs a little when he realizes if there are so many clothes on the toilet floor. He assuming if he even have a shower or something with the girl last night. Oh by the way, he can’t even remember who the girl is.
Finish with his business, he get into his closet and take a short and use it. He also takes some random tee from it and use it too while he try to out from his bedroom without making any voices. He not even takes a single glance to the girl on his bed, because he doesn’t care at all.
Taking his step toward kitchen only makes him easily forgetting about last night. Well, that’s what all he always does. Get booze, drunks, get a chick home, and finally in the morning wakes up like nothing happen last night. Not even care if the girl going slaps him before she’s gone from his apartment when he says that he not even knows her. He’s kind of person that people would call doesn’t have heart, even his sister says so.
It’s been awhile, he means it.
A sound from the kettle takes his attention back to where he is now. He sighs a little and takes a mug from the cupboard before fill it with spoons of coffee and pour the hot water on it. After stirring it for a while, he walks toward the living room and turn the TV on while he sit on the couch. He not really care about what people says on the screen, because everything is literally fake anyway, well, except for some news. he still enjoying his hot coffee while suddenly there is arms lingered around his shoulder from behind, a head hide between his crook as this person try to smell his scent. He’s not moving.
“It’s not good to leaving a girl on your bed you know.” She’s says slowly as she try to kiss his neck with so much passion, while he seems not moves by it “don’t you want to see my face when I woke up? Admiring this beautiful person that God ever made?”
He still silent, and there is no expression on his face. He’s tired.
“No thanks.” He replies it simply and put the mud over the coffee table. The hands around his shoulder suddenly loosen up and gone. She seems doesn’t like what he just say, and he know it for sure. He stand from the couch and turn his body so he facing her, before continue “besides, I don’t even know who you are and what are you doing here exactly.”
PLAK!!
He can feel it sometimes, the slap, especially when he’s not fully awake and not sober enough to remember about it in few hours. He has his head on his right, but a smirk plastered on his face. His hair is covering his face from seeing the girl expression, but he know, if she’s pissed on him and her steps telling him if she’s take all her belonging and ready to leave. He not really cares anyway, and when he hears if she’s cursing him from his bedroom, he just gets back into the couch and watch the screen bluntly again.
After a while, he realizes if it’s already like an hour since she’s left the apartment with a loud slam on his front door. Calling him names and curse that never ends. The show on the screen is ends, and his mugs also already empty. He stands from the couch and brings his mugs into the kitchen before putting it on the screen. He’s put both his hands at the end of the sink and let his mind getting somewhere, thinking about something not irrelevant and smiles to himself, before he leaving the pace toward his bathroom to take the shower.
.
.
.
It’s almost lunch times when he stands between people on the street, waiting for the traffic light turn red so he can walk cross the road. He has this bento on his right hand inside his bag. Actually there are two bento inside it, that he bought after he’s out from his apartment. The light change and he start to walk again between those people who also do the same. Sometimes, he even thinks why he not using his car when he going somewhere, but then he realize if he’s the one who never want to do it when the memories back into his head.
He stops walking when he already arrives in front of the building. A building that not really tall but has a white color on it. He smiles to himself before he start walking to the building and find someone that he knows working here. His sister.
“It’s sometimes surprising me when you come into this place.” She says slowly as she splitting the wooden chopstick from the bento set that her brother brought for her “you know, it’s been awhile”
He’s not say anything about it, but take a sips of his lemon tea before do the same like what his sister done. They are now in the cafeteria of this place, which is always silence end almost empty since the most of patients not eat here. Well, his sister is working on the asylum thought, as a psychiatric. They’re rarely have a contact toward each other and something like this of course surprise her when she know if he’s changing these years.
They are eating in silence. Nor of them try to makes or breaking the ice between them. Most of the time, he would only focused on his food, while she is sometimes would checking something on her phone and get back into the food, but then just a moment before the two of them finishing their lunch, she says something that take most of his attention.
“So he’s doing it again…” He lifts his head and look at his sister who still look at her phone. She’s realize it when his brother look at her and that’s makes her sighs and try to explain the thing “one of the patient, is try to kill himself again when the nurse put a fork in his lunch set. He tries to stabs himself with it”
“Isn’t that something common in here? I mean someone try to kill themselves?” he ask slowly and already forgot about his unfinished lunch.
“Yes that’s right, I mean, of course we’re facing those kind of situation almost every day, but…” she wipes with the tissue and close the bento set as she decide to finish her lunch “he only try to do that on Saturday, every Saturday, and no one knows why”
She stands from her seat and collects her stuffs with, then she brings her bento set before throws it on the trash can. He still looking at sister with no words and suddenly he just feel full with the food. “Thanks for the lunch, I should headed back and go to this patient room.”
“Wait!” he stand from his seat and throws his food away on the garbage then he try to catch up with his sister “can I join you? I mean, I have nothing to do after this and yeah…”
His sister is looking at him for a little while. First the sudden visit with lunch set and now, he’s asking her if he can join her at her job. Come on, she wouldn’t want to miss this moment though “Sure, but careful right!?”
He smile a little and start walking behind her. She headed into the place that he never go, or maybe this is the far that he ever done when he walk inside the asylum. Most of the door that he walks pass has a lock from the outside and a small window on it so people can see inside it. He not say anything, or even try to ask why the hallway is so quiet. Sometimes while passing a door, he can hear screaming and cries, or even someone talks like to their self.
His sister walks suddenly turn slows and he try to wonder why, but then he thinks he know when he can see a few of people using the same uniform like his sister do is stand on the hallway in front of one door. They turn their head when they realize if his sister is here.
“How is he going?” she ask slowly as she look at the nurse that still looked shocked and there is a stain of tears on her face “is he try to hurt you?”
“… No, but, he’s just, I’m sorry, I supposed not to bring the fork, it just…” his sister just smiles and pats the nurse’s shoulder before she stand and look from the window on the door.
“We already give him drugs to calm down, and he’ll be paralyzing for a while.” One of the men there says “and if you want to talk to him now, I guess you must careful.”
She not say anything, but looking at the window and never turns. Suddenly she seems remember if her brother is supposed to be there, and that’s makes her turn her face toward him who still stand not far from her awkwardly “Do you want to know Kyu?”
All eyes turn toward the young man who slight looks questioningly. She turn her face to all her colleagues for a little while and tell if that guy is her brother which gat a smile from everyone. Her focus back to him now “you know, perhaps you want to see this person that somehow take your attention before.”
He not says anything but walk closer toward his sister and nods politely to the other there who smile toward him. He stands behind her sister, but he can see a glimpse of someone laid on the floor, unmoving. His sister take a deep breath before she put her hand on the knobs and turn it slowly before walk inside and let the door slight open, and that’s the first time, when he seeing him.
He laid on the floor unmoving on his side. His eyes is wide open and his mouth is slight open makes some of his saliva out from the corner of his mouth because his laid position. His long hair coveing half of his face, but everyone still can see his plain expression. His body so thin, really thin like ha can die anytime if he’s not eating. He’s look half alive.
“Hello Changmin-ssi, are you okay?” She says slowly toward the guy that only can moving his eyes to seeing her, while his body is paralyze. Her brother suddenly feel something inside him when he look at that man who looking at his sister “you know, the pain will gone just when—aaakh”
Without think twice he gets inside the room when he sees his sister is being attacked by the patient. That Changmin guy put his hands around his sister neck and try to choke her very much. The other men on the front door also panic and quickly get another calming drug. He get inside the room and quickly hit the guy on the face, and doesn’t even care if he’ll get words latter because hit someone with mental illness. His sister coughing very hard, and the nurse try to help her by bring her out from the room.
Kyu still there, looking at the guy who is now already lay on the floor again because of another drugs on his vein. There is slight of blood on the corner of Changmin’s mouth and nose from where he hit his face before. His eyes are fully open, but his souls is going somewhere. Kyu still stare at him blankly, staring on those dark brown orbs like he can eating him alive. Suddenly, he scared.
“You better look at your sister, she must be shock right now.” One of the man says while he pat Kyu shoulder.
He only nods and stand from the floor. His eyes never leave the guy who now looks like crying, judging from the tears on his eyes. He says nothing, but starts to leave the room and find his sister.
--
3rd week
--
“… Nnnnnghh…” He close his eyes when he can feels if the girl on his laps is start to enjoy the kiss that they are doing right now.
It’s already two hours since the time he arrives at the pub that night. Getting few drinks before there is this girl is starting to giving him an entertainment with a . He doesn’t mind at all when his alone time is disturbed by a girl. Well, at least all he know next that would happen at the night is they will end up together whether that would be on her house or his. And by the way, he doesn’t care at all.
They’re start to exploring each other’s mouth and from this closes, he even can feel her s start to touching his chest really hard. She is try to seduce him and hoping everything would happen so fast. They broke the kiss, and all he can see now is how this girl chest rise and fall heavily and all he can see is the lust in her eyes, which makes it look like a dark brown orbs with the light from the pubs.
Suddenly it does remind him of something.
He takes the girl by her side and bring her off from his laps. She tilted her head try to act cute but he not cares at all. He take out some money from his pocket and put it on the bar table before he use his jacket and ready to leave, but then a hand hold him to stay at the place. It’s the girl’s.
“Aren’t you going to bring me with you?” she pouting and blink her eyes like a lost puppies, but he’s not moved by it.
“No, I have another things to do.” He simply take her hands off from him and leave immediately. He can hear if the girl is saying something about him, but he not care about it. He never will.
.
.
.
He has a cup of coffee on his hand when he arrives at this place. He just lock his car and walk on the empty-deserted-parking lot before he walk inside the building again.
It’s late at night, almost eleven, and he knows, if this place would be so empty like a cemetery, since even in the morning this place also doing so. He walks into the hallway that he knows. A hallway full of doors with lock on the outside. He sips his coffee a little just a moment before he realizes there is someone sits in front of one door where he headed to. He’s a man.
He walk slowly toward the man that seems still not realize if he’s coming. He stops few feet away as the man on the chair turn his head and look at him. He smiles a little toward him “You are… Ahra’s brother right?”
.
.
.
He stared at the other slowly, from head to toes as he tries to examine what exactly the man tries to think now. His slight long hair is covering half of his face, and his eyes are only plain looking at nothing. It seems like he has nothing to think right now. Kyu laid his back on the chair and still his eyes never leave the man.
“So… your name is Shim Changmin?” Kyu says slowly like he try to not make the other turn mad in second.
It’s another Saturday, actually, the third week after his sister being attacked by Changmin. His sister never talk again about Changmin, and actually nor he’s do it too. He not even tell his sister if he visit the asylum now now and most important thing is in night at Saturday. He doesn’t know how and why, but then, thinking about it, only makes him hurt his head sometimes.
Changmin not answer the question. He sit across from Kyu on the similar chair. He has his hands cuffed because Yoochun afraid if he will attack Kyu just like what he did to his sister. Yoochun also stay inside in the room. Yoochun is one of the psychiatric just like his sister. And now, he’s take Ahra’s job to put an eyes at Changmin, the guy who try to choke her weeks ago. He even already prepared some calming drug just in case, Changmin turn aggressive suddenly. Yoochun somehow not really understand about Kyu, since he never comes into this place until three weeks ago, and now, he is interested with Changmin.
“Are you afraid of me?” Kyu says again as he try to find Changmin’s eyes that seems like avoiding him “… perhaps because I hit you in the face weeks ago…”
Changmin still silence. He is just playing with his fingers that close toward each other since his hands being cuffed. He’s not really care to what the other say toward him at all.
The times pass, and the night getting late. They still stay like that, with Changmin still looking at his cuffed hand while Kyu is examine him in silence. Yoochun already left for couple minutes because he got a call from home and he should get it. Changmin lift his head for a little while, and he found if Kyu still looking at him, patiently.
“… point…”
Kyu raised one of his eyebrows when he feels like he hears something come out from the other’s mouth but then he can’t really seen it if Changmin ever open his mouth “Are you saying something?”
Changmin fully lift his head and makes Kyu can see his face now, between his slight longer hair “What’s the point of all of this?”
Kyu not says anything but he keep stare at Changmin with empty mind. Suddenly all his head fills with words that never can come out from his head for years. He look at the other’s eyes which threatened him with the emptiness there. Dark brown orb that can eat you alive even he hide somewhere else. He bring his head down, and no, there is no answer in his head that he can tell to the other about the pint of this kind of thing. Not even a lie to tell.
“You’re just trying to escaping too… don’t you?” Changmin says with a very low tone, almost like a whisper, but then Kyu still can hear it.
“What do you mean?”
It scared him, really when suddenly Changmin smile widely like he never smile before. It just a smile, but in Kyu’s eyes it’s like a death grin toward him “Seeing me, just remind you of yourself, am I right?”
His throat suddenly itchy likes someone try to choke him up. His mind going numb in second and he gritted his teeth because he scared of what he would found. He scared, if the words are true. Changmin not says anything else, but he just staring simply at Kyu like he never stare at anything else. On the other hand, Kyu’s hand turn sweaty and his mind getting uneasy.
“Sorry I take so much time for… are you okay Kyu?”
Yoochun just come from the door and he top talking when he can see Kyu is staring blankly at Changmin while the other also do the same. They’re just like mirroring each other silence act. Kyu suddenly stand from his chair and he turns his body ready to leave the room. He even walking pass Yoochun without words and not care if his shoulder is just bumped the other. He leave without words and quickly out from the place as fast as he could, makes Yoochun questioning about what happen, while Changmin curve the end of his mouth slowly without words.
--
7th week
--
“Is there something bothering your mind?”
Kyu startled a little bit when he hears a voice get into his silenced mind. He turn his head and found if one of the bartender here, who is also his friend(he like to call him that even they never really spent time together) try to take his attention by a glass of cold liquid that he put in front of him. Kyu just smile a little bit and take the glass slowly. He doesn’t remember how long he already get into this bar, and not even have a single drinks or words at all. He look at the cold liquid for a little while, and sips it slowly before quickly stop his act when he realize what is it “What is it? Cold water!? Seriously!?”
The other just laughs a little as he wipes out the bar with a rag and smile. He look at Kyu who put the glass in second and not continuing to sipping the liquid again “Well, at least, you get back on the earth though.”
He takes the glass from the bar and changes it with another one, which is must be something other than cold water. Kyu just look a little, and from how it’s look, he can tell if it’s the scotch since there is this couple slice of lime inside the glass itself. He just sighs to himself before taking the new glass again and drinks the liquid all over again, and he’s right, this new one is a scotch. He emptied the glass in one shot and put it again on the bar with a quiet loud voice before he looking at the other with a questioning look “What do you think of me?”
“Heee?” the other just raised one of his eyebrows and have this weird expression on his face.
“Yunho hyung! What do you think of me when the first time we met!?” Kyu asking again with his voice slight higher even it’s kind of unnecessary no matter how loud the music on the pub is, because Yunho can hear it very well.
“Wait, Kyu are you high?” Yunho asking seriously as he takes the glass that now empty from in front of Kyu where he give the younger scotch before. He checking the glass slowly by smells it and take a small taste of the liquid that left a little at the glass, he looks back at Kyu “I’m not even giving you a hard one!”
Kyu not says anything but grumbling as he takes the glass from Yunho grasp. He then put the glass on the other side of the table which is quiet far from them before he bring his attention back at Yunho and wait for the answer. Yunho is just seeing at the younger act and he looking at Kyu again with so much worry in his face “What’s going on Kyu?”
“Am I…” he stopped halfway just a moment after he says the two words. He quickly put his head down at the bar between his hands. He tries to hide from the looks that Yunho give him. He tries to hide from the world. He tries to escape “… broke?”
“What do you mean?” Yunho ask again, kind of still confusing with the question that come out from the younger.
Kyu only lift his head. His eyes avoiding Yunho, but Yunho can see his face perfectly “Am I messed up Hyung?”
Suddenly Yunho just doesn’t know what to do. He is already being a bartender here for like years. He even stops his college time just so he can focusing his night time only at his work. And being a bartender, he know one of the most important rule is besides serves the consumers right, he should be a good listener. Sometimes in his days, he can’t even understand about his position, whether he is a bartender or a conditional psychologist. When the night come, people who is drunk can be so much honest that when they’re sober, and when that time happen, all he can do is only being a good listener, or sometimes giving good advices to them. And for the record, he’s a good person to talk about secret since he also never tell anyone about what you going to tell when you’re drunk, but now, things is different.
The person in front of him is his usual consumers. Always comes at Saturday night and getting booze until he’s drunks. He has this great look and so easily to bring chick home just same as the time when he gonna dumped her in the morning. He never talk about his secret when he’s drunk. Even it so, it would be something regular like jobs and family. He seems has a perfect life, but then when suddenly a question being asked, there must be an answer for it, even irrational one.
“Is there someone telling you so?” Yunho says slowly as he takes a glass and wipe it up with the rag on his hand “or are you meet someone who is finally picturing yourself… I mean the real one.”
Kyu not says anything. He looks like he tries to think about it. Yunho serve a drink to another customer as he waiting for Kyu to response, and just the moment when he bring his attention back to the younger, he get what he need “The two of them… I supposed… I mean this person is just…”
And the talks begin.
It’s been awhile for Yunho to listen at someone problem at this early. He means, come on, it’s still evening, even his watch telling him a minutes ago if it’s not even eight yet, but then he patiently waiting and hearing to everything Kyu tells him that night.
Somehow it’s feels like a video tape is playing between them. And suddenly Yunho can see the movie with Kyu at the narrator on it. It just a simple story actually, and for sure, it’ not even has an end yet. Kyu telling him about he meet this guy at the asylum, someone that look normal, but has a mental illness by try o killing himself every Saturday night. He telling him if it can’t be a regular thing for him to visit this guy on the asylum since he has nothing to do with him, but then, whenever Kyu look at this guy eyes, he feels like there is something that makes him want to talk with this guy more. And he also couldn’t get enough sleep since the last time he visit this guy, he said something like if Kyu found his reflection on him, and that’s how the question comes.
“So you mean, do you ask me if you actually really is same with this guy?” Yunho is asking Kyu as he handling the younger another glass of scotch just a moment after he’s finish with the story “I’m not even know who is this guy is…”
Kyu not say anything. His throat slight sore for talking so much things in this few minutes. He never done something like this before to anyone, not even his family. Maybe he’s drunk enough to makes a talk with Yunho right now. The long one talk.
“I don’t know what to say, but I guess, I can’t help you Kyu.” Yunho says with a small smile in his face before he takes Kyu glass again and fills it with another drinks. Kyu just look at YUnho slowly and smile bitterly before he takes the glass again and ready to drink it but then Yunho continue “but I guess, something is similar between you and this guy.”
Kyu stop halfway with his glass. He looks at Yunho before look at him questioningly “Really? What?”
Yunho smile a little “Saturday.”
.
.
.
It’s never stop, the rain. When he walk his feet kind of wobbly because he can’t really remember how many glass he takes for a shot and now he’s not sober enough to walk. It’s not like he can’t afford for a cab, no, he even just leave his car like that on the parking lot of the pub. He give his key to Yunho so he know if he’s car will be delivered toward his apartment just the time when the older is finish with his jobs.
It’s feels weird, really, about how his hair sticky to his head because of the rain. The water never stops makes his eyes close so many times when it streaming down from his head. His body already soaked with the rain, he not really care after all. He can’t feel anything but water beneath his feet when his shoes are already all wet, and he know, he’s not even sober enough to care about all of those things.
He stand in front of the building for a little while, before he walk inside and lucky enough to not meet anyone on the lobby, so he doesn’t need to greeting politely like what people like to do when they’re meet each other. He walk slowly with his eyes really hard to fully open. Sometimes the shades that he sees from his eyes can be twice than the real one. He can’t stand on his own, which makes him quickly get down on the floor. His head to dizzy to walk, but he needs to find out.
.
.
.
“How is it feels to failed every time you try to killed yourself?” Kyu says with his words slight wavering on the air. He laid on his side and his eyes is not really focused when he try to say that words. He is coughing couple times before he continue “Are you afraid of your future?”
The other not says anything. It’s been fifteen minutes since Kyu get inside the room. It’s almost eleven at night and the rain still not stops outside. He even can hear the loud clatter of the water when it hit the ground even he inside the building. Whether is because he has a super power or he not sober enough to really know what happen outside. His eyes keep open even his gaze is moving each second. Not really sure if he really is staring at the person in front of him which is in the same condition like him, but then he’s not soaked in water like Kyu.
On the opposite position, there is Changmin. Eyes wide open and focused on one object, Kyu, even for everyone who seeing him can’t be sure if he really is conscious at this very moment. He just try to kill himself again just around ten minutes before Kyu arrives. He tries to hold his breath really hard, and fortunately, Yoochun realize the sudden change with Changmin’s sit position which is already laid on the floor unmoving. With the first help, Changmin’s live can be saved, but then he’s try to punching himself and cause his nose bleeding hard, which in the end, makes Yoochun inject him with another calming drugs. And now there he is, laid on the floor, eyes wide open, and not really down on the earth, even Yoochun sure, he still can hear the voice around him.
“Yah! Shim Changmin! Are you even alive?” Kyu says again more like mumbling. He’s between awake and asleep on the floor as he tries very hard to get an answer from the other, but he seems would get nothing.
“Kyu, I guess, you better home. I’ll call you a cab.”
Yoochun come from behind Kyu and help the younger to get into sit position, but then Kyu refuse it. He even tries to punch the older on the face with his unpowered hand which of course it’s useless. Yoochun sighs a little and he put bot his hands under Kyu arms and drags his body quiet far From Changmin and out from the room. Kyu struggle enough but it’s only makes Yoochun getting piss at him and quickly lock the door of Changmin’s room so he can’t get back inside.
“What the hell are you doing?” Kyu raised his hand on the air as he sit on the floor. He try to lift his head and look at Yoochun, but all he done is only stare at Yoochun’s shoes. His voice slowly getting low, and it’s sound quiet… sad “he’s not even answer me…”
Yoochun not says anything but again try to lift Kyu body so the other can sit on the chair around there. Kyu turn his face at Yoochun who successfully makes him to sit at the chair “Is he hate me hyung?”
“I don’t know.” Yoochun says simply as he takes his phone out from his pocket and checking if the taxi is already in front of the building or not “hopefully, the cab is here, come one, time to home, Kyu.”
It’s a quiet effort to bring someone that really is drunk toward a cab. So many times Kyu struggle and so many times, he refuse to leave the place. All he done and say is only he need Changmin to answer his question, but then finally he fell asleep which is easily for Yoochun to bring him on the cab. He pay for the cab and tell the driver to drive Kyu at Ahra house, since he doesn’t know where the younger live anyway, before he walk back inside the building and back into in front of Changmin’s room.
--
9th week
--
It’s around seven that morning when Yoochun put a breakfast on Changmin’s room. On the usual day, he would just put the tray on the ground, since there is no table or chair except when someone visit him and let the other to eat alone. Sometimes he would wait Changmin to finish his food by the door. He would close the door and wait inside, but he prefers to stand near the door, in case something happen, and today, it’s really different.
Yoochun with no word put the breakfast tray on the floor like usual, but now, he joins Changmin to sit on the ground. He cross legged his feet and give a gap between them, so Changmin not feel uncomfortable with his sudden act. Changmin stare at Yoochun from between his hair that covering half of his face, but Yoochun says nothing other than smile. Somehow, he worried.
“What?” Changmin says slowly while his eyes are really tries to avoid at Yoochun’s gaze.
“Nothing…” Yoochun says suddnely when he realizes if finally Changmn says something. It’s something unusual of course, since the younger never really pay any attention to everything that people gonna says to him, but then Yoochun found this is his chance to ask more toward the younger that start to eat his food slowly “can I ask you something?”
Changmin stop his act for a little while. His mouth turns into curve of smile which somehow makes Yoochun shudder when he seeing it, he waiting “Basically, you already asked me… moron…”
Well, it’s feels hurt and weird when someone called you moron, especially when the person is someone that being claimed has mental illness. Yoochun just keep silent and take a deep breath before he thinking about what should he say toward Changmin, so the younger gonna answer him. He realize it pretty sure, if he failed chose a good words to ask, he would lost his chance in any second, and perhaps, Changmin would try to kill him since it something which maybe slight sensitive question, but then, he takes his risk “What happen between you and Cho Kyuhyun-ssi?”
He finally say it with a slight low tone, but he really sure if Changmin can hear it. He can see if Changmin suddenly froze like there is a breeze comes from nowhere toward his room. The younger still has this chopstick inside his mouth, he not even chewing his food inside his mouth but only stare at the food on the tray over the floor. His eyes looking directly at it, but then Yoochun realize, his mind must be somewhere else.
It’s spent like that for five to ten minutes. Changmin who not moving, and Yoochun dan has this panic feeling inside his mind but also can’t move while he see the other reaction toward his question. Actually it’s something that he really want to ask since long ago, but then these past few weeks makes him remember again to the first time when Yoochun meet Changmin like almost a year ago.
The first time when Yoochun meet Changmin is just something ordinary like another patient, but which makes it different is how Changmin keep calling someone’s name on his sleep at night. It’s not a day routine for Changmin to seems have a dream about this person, but whenever Yoochun found him asleep at certain day, he would call one name in his sleep: Cho Kyuhyun.
At first, Yoochun thought perhaps, it’s his family or something, but when he read the record of Changmin, there isn’t a name of Cho Kyuhyun there. And after he realizing about that fact, he thought, perhaps, this Cho Kyuhyun is someone that leaving a bad memories in his life, because whenever Changmin is sleeping and calling Cho Kyuhyun’s name, he would cry. He cries in his sleep as that name keep slip out from his mouth, and then when he wakes up, it feels like he forgotten about what he dreams last night, about this Cho Kyuhyun.
Yoochun never ask, he also never curious about it. He always believe what happen toward Changmin’s past are already happened and let it be him alone whose know about it. He always keep that in mind and never try to find out that this Cho Kyuhyun is, but then exactly two months ago, a guy names Cho Kyuhyun appeared suddenly. Surprisingly, he’s the brother of one from his co-workers, Cho Ahra. And since then, the question that he keep to himself for almost eleven months since he meet the younger force him to ask in person at Changmin.
Changmin still silenced but this time, he continues his food without any voice. He not even try to think like Yoochun just asks him a question. Guilty feeling filled up Yoochun’s mind and he supposed to just keep silent and regret it to say the question toward Changmin about it. About perhaps what he thought about Cho Kyuhyun that leaving a bad memory to Changmin is true, but then he’s not. He can’t keep his mouth shut and his mind to stop thinking any question further more. He asks Changmin again instead of shut up “You may not know about this, but… are you realize whenever I found you sleep at night, you always cry and call his name!? I mean Cho Kyu—“
PRANG!!
He doesn’t even finish his sentences when all he can know what happen next is Changmin throws his breakfast tray on the wall. He throw it quiet far passing Yoochun’s head before it hitting hard on the wall and makes the food that not even finished to be eaten scattered all over the floor. Changmin not say anything but hug his knee and hide his face between it. Yoochun just stare at the younger before he realize if he really are must shut his mouth since the first time.
Yoochun stand from the floor with a deep sighs. He bend his body a little so he can pick up the chopstick that Changmin just use to eat before and he collect the food from the floor. He picks it one by one and put it on the tray again and makes sure he left nothing on the floor. There is only the stain of the food that still left there, he can takes a rag later and wipe it up with it. He turn his head toward Changmin who still in the same position which is hide his head between his knees. Yoochun says nothing and walk toward the door ready to leave.
It was just a moment when yoochun hold the knob of the door when he hears a voice from behind him. Changmin’s “I used to know him…” he says it with a very low tone and almost a whisper, but Yoochun can hear it perfectly and he turn his body in second to makes sure what the younger says “but now, I can’t tell you about it…” he continue again with his face is staring at the wall across him, not even bother to look at Yoochun who waiting for his words since always “… I’m sorry about the food…”
It was the first time they really have something to say. He meant it. whenever Yoochun asking Changmin question the other seems not even care to answer it, and this time, even he not really answer it, at least Yoochun know if Changmin try to tell him even not now. He smile to himself and look at Changmin who still not look at him “That’s okay, takes your time Changmin-ah.” before he leaves Changmin alone inside his room.
--
14th week
--
It is late in the morning when he finally arrives on the place that he knows pretty well. It’s been years, and honestly he promise to himself if there is any occasion in this place, he would never ever come here again, but whatever it takes, it already over a decade, and he thinks maybe back to here wasn’t hurt him isn’t?
It’s not his idea when he come to this place, actually it’s Ahra fault. She asks him to give her a ride toward her friend house around this area, which somehow makes him realize where he is now. He just have a plan to stop by for a little while, looking around to the building to make the nostalgic feeling comes and maybe some few memories of his childhood times can back.
It’s been long time, he mean it. This elementary school is change a lot since years ago. he even can see the name of this old primary school clearly beside the gate. He smile to himself as he read the name of his school that never change. He takes a deep breath feeling the air around here that already turn slight cold since the snow in early winter start to fall. He start to walk inside the area.
Kyu hide his hands inside his pocket when he walk across the field of the primary school. Some of the children who is there staring at him when he walk pass by them. Sometimes they would smile politely at him, perhaps they thing he’s one of the parents from the student. As the time when he almost stand on the main door of the building, he stops right away, lift his head so he can see the top of the building that consists of three floors. He sighs to himself a little before he take his steps inside.
Nothing change, really, maybe only some of the wal that re-painted, soma classes that change his function into a labs or something. He still enjoying his alone time until a bell rings telling the student there to get back at the class. He step aside toward the wall, giving way to those children so they can back easily to their class. Minutes later the hallways start to emptied, which makes him thinks he should just leave for him ut then a call makes him stops.
“Cho… Kyuhyun?”
Kyu turn his body right away and looking at the person that stands feet away from him. He look at this man from head to toes, he also examine his face like he tries to remember who is this guy is. At the moment of his checking times, he realize if there is this little girl behind him, perhaps a first grade student. She is using a nice hair pin on her black straight hair. She holds the side trouser of this man.
The man seems realize if Kyu is staring at the girl behind him. He then looks at the little girl and kneeling in front of her before telling her to leave at her class. The little girl just nods and walk away from the man, as once or twice, she would turn his head toward them before she really gone at the corner. As the little girl out from the sight, the man turn his gaze back at Kyu and he smile a little as he walk getting closer to him.
“That’s Jieun, she’s my daughter.” The man says with a smile as he look at Kyu who still look like he not know him. The man realize it, and his smile fade in second “You know, I’m sorry. It’s been years and honestly I should just, not call you since the first place.”
He rubs behind his neck with a weird expression as his tone getting lower and lower “I guess, we already move on with our lives. I’ve married, and I guess you also do so, or perhaps you already meet someone, but still I’m sorry, I really sorry for that time.” He closes his eyes as he try to say something like that hard.
“I mean if there is something that I could do for you, you can tell me, I know it wouldn’t change anything.” He gritted his teeth while Kyu seems not understand to what happen “But I hope, you can forgive me for what happen Kyu… to I don’t know... feel relieves…” The man look at Kyu once again, before he can feel something inside him that makes him just want to buried himself because maybe it would be better for him if he not call Kyu since the first time.
“… well, just forget it then if you not remember…”
The man awkwardly says before he walk backward and ready to leave, but then Kyu try to stops him “Wait, who you are again?”
The man stops. His mouth slights open but closes again as like he thinks for something right to say, but he can’t run away anyway “Choi… Siwon.”
Kyu raised one of his eyebrows like he tries to remember about that name, but then he can’t really remember if he ever has a friend names Choi Siwon. Siwon knew it, he then just step away few feet worried to the next thing that Kyu would do to him when he told him who is he for sure. He takes his very deep breath
“Choi Siwon, remember? Sixten years ago?” Siwon stops a little while before continue “I mean… me, Shindong and Heechul… Saturday…”
.
.
.
It was Wednesday, but then he feels kind of weird when suddenly Yoochun open his door with such kind of rush like whenever the older is try to stop him when he tries to kill himself at Saturday. He lift his head a little to see at the older who has a difficulties to breathing normally. He seems like he just have a little run and somehow, he doesn’t know really sure what to say. He not moving on his sit position on the floor, but then seeing at Yoochun he realizes there must be something.
“He wants to talk to you…” Yoochun says slowly after his breath seems slightly turn normal again “I mean, Cho Kyuhyun.”
Changmin just has this plain expression. He not even really cares actually, since at the usual time when Kyuhyun come it would be only him who is talking much. Most of the time he would be silence as he hears whatever Kyu say to him, because most of them are unimportant for him. And usually Kyu is come at Saturday.
Saturday.
“Believe me, you want to see him.” Yoochun says again and walk toward Changmin before he makes the younger stand by pulling his hands
.
.
.
The only thing that he can see that time when he entered the room is someone is lying on the floor on his side. His mantle is quiet soaked with snow while his face is half covered with his brown wavy hair. Even Changmin only look at him from his back, he can recognize who this person is.
Cho Kyuhyun
Yoochun still hold his hand as he leads him to get closer at Kyu. He doesn’t understand why he ask him to meet at this room. This is a room for those family member or friends who like to meet the patient in this room, but all again, that’s barely happens. Yoochun release his hand and he turn his head toward Yoochun who give him a sign to get closer at the Kyu. Changmin says nothing but he obey what the other told him to, he walk closer and stops when he can see Kyu face that on the sleep position on the floor.
Changmin take the chair there and push it a little away so it can give him a place to sit on the ground since Kyu is laid not far from the table where usually people would meet and talk in the room. When he get into the sit position, he look at Kyu face for a little while, he can also see if there is a few snows overs his hair and mantle. He’s somehow freezing. Other thing is, Changmin can see how Kyu has these blank eyes. He’s awake, sure, but he seems lost. For a little while Changmin thought about maybe this is how he’s look like when he’s on the calming drugs effect every Saturday.
A small sound of whimper makes Changmin back into reality. He turn his head toward Kyu who is the one who slips the sound before he turns toward Yoochun who is stand quiet far near the door. He realize if Changmin is asking him what happen from his look, but then Yoochun doesn’t know, he does really not know, and that also makes him only shrugs and raised both his hands which tell Changmin if he don’t know the situation.
Changmin bring his gaze back at Kyu who is laid on the floor. He’s crying. Suddenly like something hit his head really hard with his memory from the past, Changmin has a crisis inside himself. He feels like he knows what happen even the other not says anything, and somehow, he’s scared. He doesn’t know what this kind of feeling since long time, but then, seeing Kyu now, only remind him to his childhood, a time where he doesn’t want to remember at all. He can feel somehow his heart ache and that’s only makes him fall on the floor directly. He fall on his side, a feet across Kyu which makes him exactly laid on the same position like the other. It seems like he just mirroring him, exactly the same but with no tears on his face.
Kyu slowly try to understand what just happens. All he can see now is the face of someone that he never can look from this gap. This is the closest gap that he and Changmin ever has, and honestly, it’s only makes him easily to see the face of Changmin when his hair is not all covering his face. Somehow, it look… quiet nice.
Yoochun is looking quiet shock when suddenly Changmin fall on the floor from his sit position. He’s afraid that something is just happens, he even already takes his steps toward the two who is now has a particularly same position or perhaps same expression, but after about three steps he stops right away. He can see Changmin’s expression from this heigt looking at Kyu with this look that he can’t explain. Surely it’s already almost three months and this is the first time he seeing Changmin with those looks. Without any words and mind, Yoochun step backward to his place again. He stand there and wait, waiting to whatever gonna happen later in the room between the two who now still lying on the floor.
It’s more like ten or fifteen minutes already pass since Changmin get inside the room and lying on the ground. He not try even once to get back into sits position the time he fell on the ground facing Kyu right this closer. He feels like he doesn’t have any reason to get back sit. He just feels right. On the other side, Kyu is still silence. His tears already dried out and only leave the stain on his face. His breath is already turn normal, but his eyes, is still blank and lost.
“You’re right… I was same as you…”
It is the first thing that slips from Kyu’s words after the long silenced between them. His expression is still plain, but his mouth is moving slowly as he keep saying about everything that he seems to hide it for a very long time. And for Changmin, honestly, he doesn’t expected that the other would saying something like that as the first thing that would open their conversation. He slight widen his eyes and look at Kyu right in the eyes, but then hearing that thing, and everything that he says afterwards only makes him getting scared more and his heart more hurt.
“I was when I was twelve…”
And then the memories really hit him. It feels really like there are this thousands of eyes staring at him now, forcing him to say or revealing about something that he try to keep since always. Changmin realize, he is really wants to be deaf right now.
“I always try to keep that as my own until today… I met the on coincidence…” tears start streaming down again from Kyu’s eyes “the point is… in the past, I also try to kill myself every Saturday…”
“When I home after that happen, I told my parents eventually about what happen to me, but then they seems not really can help… I don’t remember and not recognize who are doing that to me, my dad busy with his business while my mom busying herself with her new lover.”
Are
Somehow that words only makes things get worst. Changmin not says anything, but his mind really ready to explode anytime if Kyu telling him more about this all stories. He close his eyes and hoping the other voice can’t be heard anymore.
“And since that day, I always try to kill myself at Saturday.”
Changmin open my eyes slowly. He found out that Kyu is smiling a little to himself, a smile that bitter and seems pathetic toward himself. Changmin just stare a little while before Kyu realize if the other is looking at him. Without telling twice Kyu also bring his gaze toward Changmin which makes their eyes finally meet, really meet. And for the first time in years, Changmin remember how that honey-hazel orbs look likes. It never changes and it’s makes him really miss those eyes all over again.
Kyu get into sit position suddenly, making Changmin follow his glimpse with his eyes.
“I better off, I’m sorry with all ty crap that I always told you.” Kyu wipe his eyes and try to erase the tears and the stain from his face before he’s stand on his ground. He turns his head toward Changmin who is still laid on the ground unmoving “I’m sorry with—“
“Come again then…” Kyu slight widen his eyes when he hears Changmin says something while cutting his words, that almost mumbling. Changmin rise his body into sit position. He sit cross legged and lift his head so he facing Kyu now “Come again, and telling me all your ty crap… I’d like to know more…”
Not only Kyu who is slight shock with the words, even Yooochun that stand quiet far from them is look surprise with the sudden act from Changmin. Usually Changmin would never say anything like that, he never interest with anyone before or into any talk. Yoochun sile to himself without he realize it, and Kyu, he doesn’t really sure to what he’s feeling right now, there is something inside him like to scream in victory when he hears Changmin would like to hear about him more. He doesn’t understand this kind of feeling, but it just feels great.
“Right then” Kyu wave his hands in the air excitedly before he turn his heels toward the door “I’ll come back at Saturday.” Before he out from the room leaving Changmin and Yoochun stare at him.
--
18th week
--
“Don’t you think you better tell him about you too?”
Yoochun says simply as he takes the scissors away and look at Changmin face from the mirror in front of them. They are inside Changmin’s room with a quiet small mirror over a table tha Yoochun put in the room while Changmin sit on the chair in front of him so the shades of the two can be look from it.
It’s Friday, and Yoochun cutting Changmin’s hair since it’s already long enough and somehow hide the younger face perfectly. Changmin not say anything but he look at Yoochun from the mirror as he try to continue cutting his hair. It’s Yoochun idea, to cutting off his hair. It’s been almost like nine months since the last time Changmin get a haircut, well, the last one is ended up by Changmin take the scissors and try to kill himself, especially that thing happen on Saturday. With that accident, Changmin never have a haircut anymore but then now Yoochun offer him one.
It was only happen with a silly question like perhaps Changmin want a haircut or not which of course the younger say with a big NO, but then, Yoochun saying something about Kyu. Yoochun tell Changmin about maybe it would be nice if he has a new look since these past few weeks he regurally being visited by Kyu every Saturday. It’s something new of course, because for a great reason, Changmin never try to kill himself in these past four weeks. It’s been like Kyu try distract Changmin’s mind from killing himself every Saturday, and honestly Yoochun very grateful with that.
“What do you mean?” Changmin says slowly as he blows the hair that slight covering his face.
Yoochun smile seeing the younger’s act “You know, telling something about your past… it’s not that I insisted, but, don’t you think it would be fair if you also tell him something, since he ever telling you about him that he kept on his own for years.”
It was right what Yoochun says. It’s been weeks and most of the time whenever they are meet, Changmin and Kyuhyun, the one who would be talked most is Kyu or perhaps Kyu is always be the one who talk. Changmin is just like being a trash can for him that gonna take all his words and politely respond it with a nice words. Honestly maybe it , but Changmin never hate that. He likes to seeing the other telling him so many things. He would like to discover so much new expression in Kyu face each week, sometimes when he laughs and when he say sorry because he tell so many story that Changmin somehow not understand. Yeah, for his life here, he never hates to hear more about Cho Kyuhyun.
“Look at you! You actually have a handsome face, eh?”
Changmin lift his gaze from his lap and found what Yoochun means. He looks at the mirror in front of him. Somehow it feels weird when he see his face with this short hair (imagine Mirotic) especially when he can’t really remember how he look like. Yoochun take off a sheet that he uses to cover Changmin’s body from the cut hair and let the younger to see his shades that now has this short hair.
“Do you think that would be a good idea?”
“What?” Yoochun turn his face at Changmin as he sweeping away the hair that scattered all over the floor.
“I mean telling Kyuhyun-ssi about me.” Changmin says as he get off from the chair and ruffle his hair which is already shorten.
Yoochun look at the younger and smile a little when he hears if Changmin still uses –ssi for Kyuhyun even actually he’s older than him “I guess that would be fine.”
Changmin not say anything else, but he only nods his head and helping Yoochun with his own hair on the floor.
.
.
.
Changmin lift his head from the paper that he hold now in his left hand. He glancing a little toward his front when he feels like he is being stared at by someone, and he’s right. Kyu is staring at Changmin like he just meeting someone new or completely stranger. Changmin realize what the cause of this, his haircut.
“You don’t need to stare at me like that.” Changmin says slowly as he bring his gaze back into the small paper in his hand. Looking at Kyu who stare at him now, it just only makes him want more.
“Yes—what, I mean—where are we!?” Kyu shook his head as he try to bring his gaze back into the paper in front of him. Try to get back into business of why there is so much small paper scattered in over the table between them.
It was late afternoon when Kyu comes. It’s quiet odd thought since Kyu usually come in the morning, but the thing is, even Kyu is late, Changmin not try to kill himself for once that day. That day, Kyu using a backpack when he get inside Changmin’s room, it’s something new though. Changmin learn about that backpack which actually Kyu use at the time when he go to college. Kyu tell it like usual, with so much interesting in his words.
It’s been months since the first time they’re meet, no one really know how many time they spent every Saturday just to tell each other about what happen in their week, well, mostly Kyu who tell. With or without they realize it, somehow, they already change little by little.
Kyu is typical person who never care to anyone except his sister, but then now, he like to visited Changmin every Saturday. He also never ruined his Saturday by going on the bar anymore. Well, on some occasion he would visit that place though, but it would be because he try to find Yunho and asking some advice from the other. On the other hand, Changmin here is also change, a lot. Even he still rarely talks, but at least he’s not trying to kill himself anymore at Saturday. It would more like he waiting to Saturday for come early. Yoochun is the one who realize it, especially when he barely found Changmin cry at his sleep at night and calling Kyu name these day, and somehow it looks like today.
Yoochun is just giggling to himself from the corner of the room near the door as he see at the two, well, mostly at Kyu who is seems surprise with Changmin’s look in his shorten hair. Since the time when he come and see Changmin with his new look all Kyu doing is only stare at Changmin with no words, and Changmin seems not realize it thought. It’s also not once when Yoochun found if Kyu has this shade of red in his cheeks whenever accidentally his eyes meet Changmin or when Changmin asking him what’s going on by staring at his face. Yoochun actually not this type of person, but seeing how Kyu is react toward Changmin, he thought it would be something interesting gonna happen with the two.
“You told me to write about what am I thinking about?” Changmin says in one shot with a plain tone in his words.
Kyu is blinking his eyes and gapping his mouth randomly as he try to distract himself “Ah, yeah, you’re right…”
They start to bring their gaze back on the paper on their hand. Changmin is really focused on the paper, and his another hand it’s feels like transferring his energy there since he thinks really hard to what he supposed to write. Actually it’s an easy order ‘write about something that they’re thinking about’ and for sure, if he want the easy one, he could asking the other about some embarrassing question thought. Across him, Kyu is writing something simple, because honestly he really can’t think what he supposed to write. He would just like to steal glance at Changmin when the other not seeing him. And for now that’s all he can think about though.
“So what we going to do when we finished writes on this paper?”
“Switched it”
“What?”
“You hear me, switched it.” Kyu says again as he shoves his hands and the paper toward Changmin, waiting him to take it before he give him his.
Changmin still stare at the paper that being flipped back so he can’t see the writes there, he look back at the paper on his hand and quiet doubt to give him toward Kyu “I’m not sure that—“
Changmin not finishing his words when suddenly Kyu stand from his seat and takes Changmin’s paper from his hand. He only makes Changmin looks at his empty hand now and followed where the paper were going to Kyu’s hand. Changmin want to says something, but then he is stopped when Kyu give him a paper that he just shoved before “There you go…” and so that’s how they’re change the paper.
Changmin not say anything, but in the end he is just sighs and giving in by taking Kyu’s paper. He flipped back the paper and he just turns silence when he read it. Somehow, he doesn’t know what kind of feeling that come into his mind and body, but that thing is send a kind of jolt through his body. He can’t hide his feeling when he read that paper and he just smile a little.
You should smile more, you actually has a nice look though :)
He still stares at the paper for another minutes and the silence really fills up the room, before he realize how quiet is it. Changmin bring his gaze from the paper in his hand toward the man across him that still not gives any reaction since the time he read the paper in his hand. He knows, he supposed not to write that thing on the paper since the first place though.
Kyu still has his eyes fixed on the paper. His hand is still holding the small white piece that has a nice writes on it. He just stare at it like he try to read it but he doesn’t get the meaning at all, or perhaps, he is. He know this is his idea about ‘write about something that they’re thinking about’ but he never thought if Changmin writes would makes him somehow get into this deep silence as over and over he re-read the sentence in his mind.
How long ago did I fell in love with you?
--
21st week
--
When you’re half alive, you’ll only see people that you care about in your life inside your mind, and when you almost die, there is only one person that will appear in your sight, the one that you really love about.
.
.
.
Kyu lifts his head from the cup of coffee in his hand. It’s been the second cup this morning. Well actually he’s not that kind of person that really like to drink coffee or something, but then, he has nothing to do as he wait for Yoochun to go back from his business.
It’s Saturday, and just like another week these months, Kyu would like to visiting Changmin at the asylum, but then Yoochun has something to do first which makes him decide he would just wait for the older. It’s not like he can’t visiting Changmin without Yoochun there though, of course he can as long as there is one psychiatric inside the room with them. Honestly, Kyu can ask Ahra to be there and help him, but he remembers what happen to Ahra for the last time her visit at Changmin’s room.
Kyu is tapping his fingers on the table randomly. He likes to makes some notes that somehow sound weird but it is suits well with his humming tone. He turns his head toward the wide window beside him. He’s inside the cafeteria of this building. Yoochun met him for a few minutes before he leave and tell Kyu if he would wait for him in the cafeteria if he doesn’t mind. Yoochun not says anything about what he want to do, but then he just leave this pile of file across from Kyu sits over the table.
At first it just something that not important honestly. Kyu just think it would be something that realted to this place or something about the patients, but there is something that catch his attention when he turn his eyes and look at the files. There is this small paper on the right top corner of the files cover. A small names that being printed and stick over the file. It’s almost lost its ink there, but Kyu still can see the name there and perhaps to whom this file belongs to.
Shim Changmin
“Sorry for makes you wait this long.” Yoochun suddenly comes from nowhere and with another bunch of files again. He put the new files over the first one and makes the files with Changmin’s name on the cover is really on the last “So you want to get at Changmin’s room now or—“
“No need to rush hyung.” Kyu says with a small smile “you can take your time”
Yoochun nods in understand before he stand again from the chair across Kyu. He shoves something from his pocket which is a chain of keys and put it over the table. Kyu sees at the keys and he realize if one of those key is for Changmin’s room. Yoochun find money from his pocket and telling Kyu with his hand if he would like to buy something to drinks. Kyu nod slowly and smile as Yoochun slowly gone and order something.
As Yoochun gone, Kyu bring his eyes again back at where the files are. He look back at the older once in a while before he try to change the position of the file that underneath the other to be at the top. He lifts the other files on his right hand and with a little struggle with his left he try to make the last file to be on the top than the other. He checking to the file position all over again just a moment he thought about he done what he is doing and at the same time, Yoochun finishes with his order.
“So, what is it today?” yoochun says slowly before he take sips of his latte. Kyu is only look at Yoochun questioningly before the older stop with his drinks and make it more clear “what are you gonna do with Changmin today?”
“Honestly I don’t know…”
It’s been like five months pasts since they’re first meet. Kyu never ask for that thought, but it seems like something really make it to be. Sometimes whenever he thought about it again, about a reason why he would bother to visit Changmin at Saturday, he would end up by sleeping on his couch with the tele still on and plate of food over his stomach. Somehow, he would like to ask Changmin too about it, about why Changmin always agree to meet him every Saturday since they never know toward each other before. They are not a relative or even kind of people who is kind hearted. Before they meet each other they even more like someone who hates people.
“Perhaps you could—“ Yoochun not continue his words when suddenly his phone is ringing. He takes his phone from his pocket and sighs a little before he look at Kyu “I should take this… Yeah, hey mom…” He then stands from his seat and turn his body before start walks away
Kyu stare at Yoochun’s back. He looks at him until finally he left the cafeteria toward the hall. It’s something tempting for Kyu, for read the file in front of him. He looks around for a little while, and slowly take the file that he already put on the top which is supposed to be Changmin’s.
It’s just a piles of papers, fills up with so many words that somehow only by look at it in second, Kyu not interested in reading it. he use his fingers to flipping every pages in the files looking at every pages and perhaps he would find something about Changmin. Well, when he doing something like this, is not like he does this with no reason. He actually has one, which is he curious about Changmin’s past, since as long as he remember, Changmin never talk about anything for sure. he always be the one who talking much while the other just silent and hear every words politely.
Kyu stops flipping Changmin’s pages when he found something interesting. There is a page with a picture of a young boy using a school uniform. He looks like he’s around 10–12 and he is using this glasses. He looks like Changmin, young Changmin. Kyu slowly smile a little when he looks at this photograph, because at this picture he found nothing but innocent look from the other.Kyu still staring at that old photograph until he realizes something.
‘Did he went to Toho Primary school?’
Kyu slight widen his eyes when he realizing what kind uniform that Changmin’s use. It just a simple one but then he can see this blue piping tie that supposed to be Toho Primary’s uniform, just like him, and if in this case, Changmin supposed to be—
Kyu widen his eyes in second as his mind getting clear now. He look at Changmin’s face on the picture again, and he open his mouth agape, thinking like he won’t to know what he is feel now. His heart beat faster as his hand turn trembling. He’s scared, really is scared, but then he still start to flipping the another pages again try to find something that he hope isn’t right about Changmin. His breath slowly heavy as he can’t really think clearly about what he actually find, but then, he stop his hands when a paper fall on the floor. Kyu sighs a little and try to take the paper slowly but then, there is something that catching his eyes on that paper, written between those small letter.
Name : Shim Changmin
Also known as : Max (Childhood name)
.
.
.
When Yoochun finishing talking with his mom, he put his phone back inside his pocket and turn his body toward the cafeteria door. He open the dorr slowly and headed toward the chair where he know Kyu is supposed to be, but then, there is no one. Yoochun raised one of his eye brows as he walk closer to the table, and he realize if one of the files is being opened and the paper from the file is scattered on the floor. Yoochun bend his body on the floor and try to collect the files, and he realizes if those papers are belongs to Changmin.
Suddenly he froze.
Yoochun widen his eyes and quickly stand on his feet. He doesn’t care to those papers right now. He just has one thing inside his mind for now, and he’s right. There is no key on the table. They chain of keys that between all of them is one toward Changmin’s room. He not need to think anymore, because what he do next is running as fast as he could toward Changmin’s room.
.
.
.
He can feel nothing really. He not really understand, what just happens, but then inside his mind now, he just remember this feeling like when his father like to beat him up.
It feels the same somehow. Especially when your head is just like inside a pool of warm liquid right now. If he could chose, he hopes it was warm milk, but no. He also remember this feeling when his mom would make him bend on the table before his him with those broom over and over again when she’s drunk or being pissed. And sometimes, he remember too when he’s fight just for his sisters that being seduced by the people around the street.
Most of that time, when it actually happen, he would just close his eyes and thinking about someone that actually might be care about him even just for a little while. Someone that has a nice smile which makes him cry every night before his sleep just because he is hurt him while he is supposed not to. Someone that maybe he loves and he never forget that feeling since the first time. Someone that beat him up now.
He looks like being possessed. His eyes seem blind and his ears are deaf. He doesn’t know how many times he already hit the other face. The time when he enters the room, he could find the taller sit on the corner and look at him with a smile, but it’s only makes him pissed more. He quickly takes the taller by his hair before he bumped the other head toward the cold floor. The other just turn silent and he seems like he knows what is this about.
Changmin sights getting blurry as he can’t see nothing bot Kyu who is sit on his stomach and hit his face over and over. He also already kicks his stomach before so many times and he feels like he broke his nose in one punch. He can feel his blood is streaming down from the back of his head since Kyu already pull his hair many times and hit his head toward the floor. He sure that his face is already messed up now, but he done nothing about it, because he feels like he deserves that anger from the other.
“STOP IT KYU! STOP IT!”
Yoochun not come alone that time, he brings Ahra with him when he realize what is going to happen toward Changmin. Kyu never stop punching Changmin’s face and it’s feels like he wouldn’t stop until the other dies because of him. Yoochun try to pull Kyu off from Changmin by hugging him from behind and quickly try to drag him away, on the other hand Ahra is try to check up at Changmin who is now really all she can see from his face is only blood.
Kyu is on his unconsciousness. He struggle really hard from Yoochun and he shoves the older stomach with his elbow before which makes Yoochun lost his grasp of Kyu and fell on the ground. On the other side, Kyu is quickly get back into his business which is try to beat Changmin up again. Ahra realize it. ahra can see if his younger brother is gonna beat Changmin again, and even Changmin not do anything Ahra can’t let the other just being beaten up like that.
“Move away noona…”
Kyu says with his low heavy tone. Ahra is hugging Changmin now on the floor. She’s hug him over the younger so when Kyu is try to hit Changmin, he must makes Ahra off from Changmin’s body first. Ahra not moving, but he hug tightly Changmin’s almost lifeless body instead “You can’t kill him here.”
It is Ahra who is talking. She stay still, but she’s try saying something that she not know where all of those come out from “You can kill him, but not now, not here… please”
Kyu is only staring at how his noona is laying on the floor over Changmin that already covered by lood. He’s sure that his noona clothes is already ruined by it. He’s looking at Changmin too before he smirking slowly “Fine, but I promise to myself I’ll kill him one day, on Saturday.” And gone without word left anymore.
.
.
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It’s been 36 hour pass since that day, a day when suddenly Kyu attacking Changmin with no mercy. A question always popped up into whomever that saw how Changmin really is messed up that day, about what is exactly happen between the two that can makes Cho Kyuhyun really beating him up.
His face is not even can be seen because of the blood that covering it, his hair is sticky with the blood, while his body is really looks fragile. He can’t even walk normally when Yoochun finally decide to bring him at the hospital because he’s sure if Changmin has his nose broken. He lost two of his teeth and both of his eyes is swollen and has this purple bruises around it, makes him can’t see perfectly what is ahead him.
Yoochun’s been silent for these three days. He always want to ask, but whenever he come into Changmin’s room and try to help the younger to change the bandage on his head he just shut his mouth up. He feels like he has no intention to ask, because he’s sure if it’s something that happen in the past, but then there is always this question. A question about if they really know in the past, why they not try to solve it since the first time?
“Is that hurt Changmin-ah?” Yoochun says slowly as he sticks the new bandage and throws the old one into the trash bag beside Changmin’s table.
Since that day, Changmin suddenly back into the old Shim Changmin, someone that never talk about anything even the little one. A kind of person that would like to just sit on the floor while he look at the small ventilation on the wall in his room, looking at the radiant of the sun’s ray whole day and waiting to the moon beam slips toward his room from the same ventilation at night. Someone that always cries at his sleep calling one name and seem not remember about it at the next morning. A person that can’t feel hurt, or maybe he’s hurt so much so that’s why he act like he’s not hurt.
Changmin not say anything but only stare at the floor in front of him. He’s sit on the floor, with his head is down as Yoochun help hi change the bandage on behind his head. Honestly he doesn’t know what Yoochun’s question anymore, whether is actually about his head or this is about what he feels right now.
Yoochun seems understand if Changmin not gonna answer him, because yes, old Shim Changmin never answer question, that’s why when suddenly he talk toward Kyu is becoming something that really takes his attention. He in the end just gave up and sighs as he collecting his first aid kit and stand from the floor. He brings the trash bag with as he stand and look at the younger who still stare at the ventilation, seeing the shade of the sun from there. Yoochun not say anything, but turn his heels away and ready to leave the room until a voice stops him.
“It’s happen sixteen years ago…”
Yoochun stops, and his eyes are widened when the hoarse voice come from nowhere but behind him. He know this voice, and he slowly turn his body back even all he can found is still the same position of Changmin that seems not moving when he saying those thing. Three days that Yoochun needs to hear Changmin’s voice again, and this time, he would listen carefully to each word that the younger says.
Yoochun look at Changmin’s back, before in the end he decide to sit back on the floor, leaving a gap between him and Changmin in front of him. He just waiting, as he see the younger’s back on him.
“Honestly, I knew Cho Kyuhyun since Primary school…”
--- To Be Continued ---
Phew! so this is something that come up into my mind after I listen to Hitomi no Jūnin over and over, and mostly is also maybe because of Blue before I sleep. I'm sorry for some mistakes that I made, but then I'm human after all, it can happen.
Thanks for stop by and reading to my fics which most of it kind of silly. I've been working on the next round though, only a little bit more to finish this story. So by then, see ya on the Chapter 2~
Thanks for Reading :))
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