Tao faced the bathroom mirror and took a good look of his own reflection. His hand combs through his rarely neat black hair.

He looked worse than the other night. His cheeks were gaunt while his eyes were sunken. The more apt description to his look was that he looked like death.

A lonely sigh escapes his lips. His breath mists over the mirror.
He dreamt again that night. Kris, the eternally young teacher, friend, comrade, filled his dreams. Even after three years, he still dreamt about his beloved one. Third time within a week, his face had invaded his mind while he slept.

He wanted the dreams to stop. He wants to be better. The dreams were making him unable to sleep once he wakes up. It makes him think of the old memories. It was taking a toll on his body as well as in his work.

It wasn’t always like this. In the past years, he had dreamt about him once in a while. The last time it was this bad was after the funeral. That was years ago.

Maybe it was time for a vacation, he thought. It might be what he needed.

Tao’s boss, Kim Jongin immediately approved of his leave without asking for an explanation. It shocked him to see his boss abnormally fine with his request. Normally, he would have a fit having his employees asking for a vacation. But in his case, he was fine. It was probably because it's the first one he asked for one without being threatened to be fired.

The same can be said to his friends. Sehun and Luhan looked relieved when Tao told them the news he was going back to China for a few weeks.
“It would do you some good.” The couple said to him.

His friends are really worried about him. Kris’ death also affected them but not it the way it affected him. The sudden loss of a pillar in his life had changed him. It took him months before he got to function like a normal human being. But even then, he's not the same.

Once his leave was settled, he bought a ticket back to China and informed his parents about his upcoming visit. They were thrilled to hear that their son was finally coming home even if it was just for a few weeks. His parents have missed him greatly. This was Tao’s first visit in years.

His flight landed to Beijing late in the evening. He was still far from his hometown, almost a half-day worth of travelling. Although trains were available even in this time, he was exhausted from the flight itself.
For the meantime, he opted to check in in a small hotel to catch some rest even for a little bit. He got a room for a reasonable price. The dreams were still haunting his sleep but he wanted to get any rest he could get.

Silently, he sluggishly went to his room with his bags in tow. As expected, the hotel didn’t have any bell boy. Tao was too tired to choose another hotel and to complain.

The room was easy to find, being located on the second floor just as he made a turn. He entered the room with heavy steps and dropped his bags by the bed.

He sighed and leaned backwards letting his back hit the bed. The sheets smelled fine and the cushion was firm, one of the good things about the hotel.
Tao stared silently at the plain ceiling, not moving an inch. He wondered if this vacation was going to work.

Only a few hours back in home country and he was already having second thoughts. His body was tired from the trip but his mind was keeping him awake. The sights and sounds were different and it was one of the things that he had to adjust to. His sleeping pattern would be hell for a couple of days.
He shook his head to chase away unwanted thoughts and opted to take a shower, thinking it would help him relax and fall asleep. Feeling refreshed, Tao walked back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, wiping excess water from his hair. The shower helped him relaxed but it wasn’t enough to tip him to the edge. His mind was working overtime and there was nothing he could do but wait it out. It was far too late to call his friends from Korea and here in China. Calling at this time of the day would be considered rude.

He threw the towel he was holding on the floor and laid down on the bed. His hair was still a bit wet and it seeped on the fresh linens of his hotel bed. Tao remembered his friends back in Korea telling him to enjoy the trip. Luhan had expressed his sincerest wish that he would finally move on. Their friend, Kris, was long dead. Pining for someone long gone would only bring heartache.
Tao had always known that fact. Kris was dead. But even with that knowledge, his heart was cruel to him. He was still holding on to the dead man.

The young male covered his eyes with his arm and wondered if this trip would really help. At the very least, he hoped that he could have some peace of mind. Being with his family might help. He definitely hoped so.

As planned, he rode the first scheduled trip to his hometown. He kept himself awake with free coffee offered in the train. Tao couldn’t afford to miss his stop. Another hour wasted on this long trip wasn’t in his agenda. He was determined to keep this vacation as hassle-free as possible.

More than 2 hours in the train and another 3 hours on a bus, Tao’s legs were begging for a long stretch and exercise. His body was beaten up by the relentless and unforgiving roads.
One might be surprised that even with the continuing improvement of the country’s economy. There were still places in China especially the rural ones that were underdeveloped. Unfortunately, Tao’s hometown was one of them.

He envied Luhan for growing up in the capital. It would save the raven-haired male all the trouble if he lived in the capital but his family lived in his hometown for generations. In more ways than one, he respected that fact and loved his family for it.

Tao was the last one off the bus. His first steps out from the vehicle with his bags were wobbly. The numbness on his legs was like little shocks of electricity that were hard to shake off. It was kind of expected with the long hours of doing nothing but sitting. He had to stomp a little bit to let his legs get used to the change. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he felt his leg muscles stretch. Tao was relieved to be free from the rectangular vehicle and smell the fresh air.

“Zitao!” A loud shout from a nearby crowd caught his attention. He smiled haggardly to his family and relatives, who beamed and waved at him excitedly when they had spotted him.
The young male called his family a few hours before he arrived. His father was the first to hear the news and was ecstatic to hear from his only son. Then, Tao’s mother came screaming towards the phone when she heard from her husband the news. It was hilarious in their son’s opinion and heart-warming. Tao didn’t realize how much he missed his family.

Before he could even utter a word, his mother pounced on him with a fierce hug. He dropped the bags in reflex. He and his loving mother almost fell to the ground but luckily he managed to keep them both standing. He staggered backward catching most of the impact with a grunt. He smiled softly. “Hey mom. I’m back.”

“Are you trying to act smart on me Huang Zitao?” His mother broke from the embrace for a moment and glared.
The warmth of his mother’s embrace brought a memory of his childhood. After being away for so long, the familiar embrace felt like the softest bed in the world.

He chuckled and returned the hug with the same fierceness. “I missed you and dad.” He should have expected it but being away for so long had led him to forget certain things about his family.

The rest of the Huang clan followed behind his mother and watched his mother’s enthusiastic welcome.

Not far from them, his father stood. A tear shed from his father’s eye which he lousily excused as a raindrop. It was in the middle of the summer season and not a drop of rain graced the land for days.

His relatives welcomed him with smiles and hugs. Most of them were curious about his life abroad. Most of them have never stepped out of their homeland. They weren’t dreamers like Tao. Tao had always been curious about life outside China. He never thought he would stay long in Korea. It wasn’t his original plan to begin with. It just happened that way.

When they got home, Tao was surprised when he saw their house filled with guests. Apparently, his parents were so happy about his visit that he invited a lot of their friends and relatives. Everyone welcomed him with eagerness and talked about his ‘younger’ days. The male appreciated their presence even though the trip had him fatigued.

He smiled at every person who greeted him. After some time the muscles of his face were beginning to hurt.
His father noticed the tired look on his son’s face and kindly steered him away from the incoming visitors. He patted his son’s shoulder and lightly pushed him towards the stairs. “I have already put your things in your old room. Take a rest, son. You clearly need it. The ride had clearly done a number on you.”
A tired smile graced the son’s face.

 “Thanks dad.” He nodded and wearily to his room.

Tao was too tired to notice the changes his parents made in his room and slumped on the twin size bed. The dark blue sheets smelled of the fabric conditioner his mother always used had his lips forming a smile. He buried his face on the sheets and slowly fell asleep.

The following day, Tao woke up feeling a bit refreshed. It has been awhile since he had a good sleep like this. No dreams invaded his sleep. It looks like being at home was a good decision. Clasping his hands together, he stretched and noticed that there was almost no change in his room. The same old lampshade he hated so much was still on his study table and even the poster of his favourite band was on the wall like brand new. There was no speck of dust on his things. His parents really kept his room in great condition even though he hadn’t been around to use it. He felt ashamed, forgetting his parents and not visiting for a long time.

He slowly went downstairs and was greeted by his father’s heavenly cooking. The delicious aroma and grinned to himself. He had gone far too long to miss his father’s cooking. It would be heaven for him once he got to taste what his father prepared today.

He went to the kitchen to see his father cooking as he expected him to be and his well-loved mother accompanying him.

“Good morning son. I prepared one of my specialties just for today.” His father turned in his direction for a moment grinned.

“Thanks dad.” He coudn't help but smile back as he sat on a stool by the kitchen counter beside his mother.

“These are the times I wish I could cook for our son.” His mother wistfully sighed.

“Honey dear, let me deal with kitchen. You do know what happened the last time I’ve let you cook something in the kitchen.” Tao's father affectionately replied to his wife without looking and chuckling at the end.

His wife didn't look offended. Instead she laughed along with her son, Tao who couldn't stop himself from doing so.

Tao still remembers that day. The whole kitchen was a disaster and they almost had to call the fire department when the fire almost became too big for them to handle. They had to spend almost a week in a nearby relative’s home until the kitchen was fixed. They had to eat take outs for a week until the kitchen was fixed.

Good times, Tao thought tenderly.
Seeing his parents bicker like children was nostalgic. He had almost forgotten how it felt like to be surrounded by family. Back in Korea, his only comfort came from his friends and they weren’t around all the time. It’s really different when around family.

“Are you sure you’re eating well back there? I’ve never seen you so thin.” His energetic mother pinched a portion of his arm as if to indicate how much weight he lost over the years.

“It’s nothing. Life just got a little bit busier these days.”

“That reminds me… You should catch up with your old friends. They have been wondering what you've been up to." His father said as he expertly move the wok and mix vegetables and meat together with the fragrant sauce.

Just by the smell, it had his son, Tao, salivating. “Yeah. I guess I should. I wonder how’s meat bun these days?” He asked while watching his father cook.

“Ah! That adorable boy? He’s a handsome one. If I wasn’t married and a few years younger…”

For a moment, his hunger vanished, replaced by horror as he looked at his mom in grimace. “MOM! I don’t want to think about what you’re going to do. He’s my friend for crying out loud!”

His mother only laughed, her eyes twinkling in amusement. Tao didn't find his mother's humor any close to funny.

Good thing his father rescued him from anymore embarassment and horror from his mother.

“Honey your son just came home. You don’t want him running for the hills just yet.” His father said finally finished cooking, as a large plate of sweet and sour pork was served in front of them.

Tao’s stomach growled loudly.

---------------------

Little has changed in his neighbourhood since he last came. Houses stayed the same except for new paints. It was like he was thrown back in time where he was young and dreamt of going abroad to pursue his studies.
 
It was a weekday and for a town like his people are busy, leaving the streets almost bare. He liked the serenity of it. To be free of the crowds and no overbearing noise from the city was already doing wonders on him.

He walked around until he arrived at a familiar restaurant. The dark-haired male walked inside and looked around. Antique tables and chairs filled the place and music from what looks like chineses operas resonated in the room in a low volume. Like the rest of the town, not much has changed for the restaurant except for a familiar friend that was the purpose of his visit. His friend was busy wiping the tables and didn't bother looking up as he sensed a presence of a customer and greeted.

"Welcome sir."

Tao couldn't help but smile. “You lost those buns on your cheeks. I didn't expect that. Who knew?”

The formerly black-haired friend now a redhead paused and turned to Tao’s direction, wide-eyed.

“Zitao?”

The younger male nodded. “It’s been a while Xiumin gege.”

Xiumin dropped the rag and trapped the younger one in a headlock before messing his hair. “You rascal! How have you been? You haven’t called me ever since you went to Korea.” He was grinning while saying it.

Xiumin was Korean by blood but lived his whole life in China. Tao and Xiumin were childhood friends

“Long-distance calls are expensive. ” Tao lamely reasoned out. He didn't want to admit that he was preoccuppied by his personal life.


Xiumin released him and punched him the arm. “We have the internet for crying out loud! There are a lot of free programs you can use to contact me.”
 
Tao winced. He didn't know what else to say and shrugged.

This got his friend shaking his head before shouting at the kitchen's direction. "Dad! I'm gonna go for a sec! Tao's back!"

"What about the customers?!" Someone shouted from the kitchen.

"Lunch rush just finished. It's fine." He waved off his father's concern.

"KIM MINSEOK!" Tao knew Xiumin's father called his son by his Korean name when he's about to get in trouble.

"Come on." Xiumin grinned snucked out with Tao before his father could protest.

The two friends ended up in a nearby tea shop on top of a hill and settled on the second floor where there's a balcony over-looking the town. A lot of people come by this place because of the simplistic view. 

The air is fresh having the two breathe in deep as they relaxed. Tao watched his friend stretch out like a cat and grinned quietly.

"You do know that your dad's going to put you on kitchen duty when you comr back, don't you?" He reminded the redhead as he sipped a small amount of his tea.

The tea here was definitely fitting for his palate compared to the tea back in Korea. Probably it was because in this place, he could really relax and enjoy it rather than rush through the whole thing.

Xiumin chuckled and leaned further on his seat. He wasn't  "Of course! But I've been in trouble numerous times so it's okay."

"Oh I got to hear this. What kind of trouble are we talking about?"

"Later. How about you Tao" Xiumin waved off his attempts about his troubles and diverted the topic back to him. "What really happened to you? You don't disappear like that.

"You still sent messages during the first few years talking about the teachers, friends… your life and how you were adjusting. But suddenly one day you stopped. Something changed."

There was a long pause. Tao was debating over whether he should tell it. He hasn't spoken about the topic to other people. Other than Luhan, Sehun and his boss, no one else really knows.

He looked at his cup and traced the rim. His situation isn't as simple as losing someone but his identity as well. He hasn't told his parents about being gay. It wasn't in his agenda when he decided on this trip. All he wanted was peace.

He sighed and looked at his friend. "I haven't told a lot of people about this…not even my parents. Swear that you won't tell anyone. I'm still not comfortable "

The redhead raised his brows at the request but nodded in agreement.

Satisfied at his friend's reply, he began. "A couple of years ago… I lost a friend." He forced a weak smile, trying to cheer himself and stop any sudden onslaught of emotions. It still hurts

There was sadness in Xiumin's expression, sympathy reflected on his eyes.

"He took his own life." Tao heard his friend gasp.

"It was very surreal. I had no clue when he asked me a favor of borrowing a video camera out of the blue. I didn't expect he would use it as some sort of letter to me.

That's what hurts the most. The video was for me. It was a confession of his feelings that I never knew he had. All those years, I thought nothing. He cared for me but it didn't occur to me that his feelings were that deep.

Then, I realized it was the same for me. Even though I had a girlfriend… I mistook my feelings for him as mere friendship. When he died, I discovered the truth. I love him."

For a long time no one spoke.

"You like guys…" That was the first thing that came out of Xiumin's mouth. The way he said was like it was a slow conclusion, making Tao grin, breaking off the somber atmosphere.

"Yeah. Is there something wrong with it?" He raised a brow in challenge.

"No. But didn't expect you to get attracted with the same anatomy…" Xiumin replied with a shrug.

Tao chuckled and smirked. "If I could guess. You're the same."

He waited for a denial but got a slight blush and avoidance. His friend took this time to drink his tea.

The dark-haired male almost choke at the silent admission. "No way!"

The older one pursed his lips, trying not to smile.

"Am I suppose to assume that's the reason you got in trouble?"

"You could say that…" Xiumin grinned, pressing his lips into a thin smile.

"Oh! god! Please don't tell me they're part of this small town. That would be awkward as hell. We've known everyone around our age." Tao shivered at the horrifying thought that his childhood friend was involved with someone they knew. Everyone in town was like family, to think otherwise was unthinkable in his opinion.

It was his friend's turn to be horrified. Xiumin looked at Tao in disgust and leaned back to his seat. "You're horrible Tao. Of course not! I'm not that desperate."

"Ah…. A tourist." Tao let out a sigh of relief and nodded in understanding.

"That's the only way I could survive in this place. We know everything about everyone… even the things we don't want to know." The both grinned at the last part.

"That's why I wanted you to come with me." Tao told his friend between sips even though the drink had gone cold.

"Tao. You know why I can't." Xiumin said softly.

 The family restaurant. Despite being a troublemaker, Xiumin is very filial to his family. They always come first. Without his help in the family restaurant, the business would have gone under.

Tao patted his friend on the arm and grinned to improve the mood once again. "And I admire you for that."

Xiumin looked embarrassed and took his friend's word with pride.

The sun had set when Tao and Xiumin had gone their separate ways. Tao was sure that his friend would really get in trouble for missing work. He hoped that punishment would be light but he somehow doubt that. Mr. Kim is the opposite of Xiumin. He's too serious that his son would often tell behind his back that he swore he saw a stick up his father's . The image was traumatizing and funny at the same time.

Talking to an old friend was good. It was nice for Tao to have someone not connected his life in Korea and be more of himself. It was as if a great weight was off his shoulder.

 He was on his way home. The streets were well-lighted and he was alone. He had no worries of getting robbed since there was little chance of that happening in such as small town. Everyone knows everybody.

Tao smiled at the thought of their previous conversations.

He couldn’t remember the last time he found himself smiling. Most days, he finds himself asking what he was doing with his life.

He was in such a good mood and lost in his thoughts that he almost crashed on someone. Tao quickly made a side step and apologized quickly.

“Oh, sorry.”

The man, who was amazingly taller than him quickly looked in his direction before nodding and went on his way.

It was quick and only for a moment. Tao's heart felt like it had been gripped carelessly for a second and then let go. He got a glimpse of the man's face.

For a second, he thought he’d seen Kris.

Impossible, he shook his head. Tao sighed and mentally berate himself for relating everything to his lost friend. He was back in Qingdao to move on and be happy.

Shaking his head once again, he told himself. " Happy thoughts, Tao."

Finally! I got to finish the first chapter~

Tell me what you think^^ and thanks for reading~