The first paragraph of Chapter 1 really grabbed my attention. You were able to make me see what you were talking about, and that is very important. When you were introducing Luhan, your words drew out emotions. I immediately felt sorry for Luhan and my heart went out to him, though I didn’t know much about what was going on. This is very good, the fact that you grabbed the reader before they even knew what was going on. 

Your plot was very interesting. During Chapter 1 when you are describing Luhan, I felt very sorry for him. It’s an interesting turn when you make your main character an outcast. It made me want to read more to find out why he was overlooked as a person. As I read on, I began to feel fearful for Luhan when the hooded figure showed up. I realized that this was a dark story and was different from others that I’ve read. I found myself wondering why this person’s finger tips were smoking and I became even more hooked. The fact that Luhan seemed attracted to this stranger was very abnormal, and only added to the mystery of the story. One thing seemed inconsistent though. One second Luhan seemed attracted to the strange, then all of a sudden he’s not? You should consider rewriting that paragraph. When I read the bathroom scene where the strange boy cornered Luhan, that pulled me deeper into the story and find out who this boy was (though I had an idea as to who he was).

Some sentences you should consider rewriting to avoid run ons. For example, you said: His clothes were despite the protection of his umbrella somehow damply clinging on his small stature.This is a rather long sentence, and you didn’t use any commas. You could’ve said this: Despite the protection of his umbrella, his clothes clung damply to his small stature. I found a few more of these sentences, in which you should break them down into two more sentences. It’s best to avoid run on sentences so the reader doesn’t get confused or bored. Remember, small sentences are more attractive then long ones.

The way you worded a lot of sentences didn’t flow, and you should consider rewriting them. In one sentence, you said: “The shrieking sound of his gradually opening locker...” It might be less jarring to use the word ‘creak’ instead of ‘shriek’. That adjective was a bit over exaggerating for the opening of a locker. And also reconsider writing it. Again, it is a very long sentence. Consider saying: The creaking sound of his opening locker caused him to flinch. A shiver worked it’s way up his spine, his skin soaked from the rain. On the same subject, you said: “Placing it next to his books inside the locker followed.” This isn’t necessary. Simply say:  “He placed it inside his locker, next to his books.”

Another sentence that you should consider rewriting: “He did, his eyebrows crumpled annoyed together and his eyes were straight through Lu Han’s heart and mind who could feel his pulse beating in his ears, blocking out all other sound except the breath that was raggedly moving in and out of his mouth.” Far too long. This could be broken up into at least four sentences. Consider saying this: “His were eyes locked on Luhan and his brow furrowed. His dark eyes seemed to pierce into Luhan’s heart. Luhan could feel his pulse beating in his ears, blocking out all other sounds. The only sound he could hear was his ragged breath.”

Some of the words you chose to use didn’t make sense. For example: “...draw her away from the laptop in which the heroine slapped the protagonist’s cheek.” First of all, Hyuna doesn’t appear to be the ‘heroine’. Heroes and heroines are normally used in stories of adventure and action, this story isn’t that. And as for the word ‘protagonist’, you shouldn’t so bluntly use this in your story. Avoid using it at all.

At some points, you would use two different words that meant the same thing. For example, you said: “His coat hugged his wet and soaked body...” ‘Wet’ and ‘soaked’ are the exact same thing. Just pick one. There was another part of the story where you used doubles. You used two adjectives to describe something. For example, you said: “gazed through the window at the raindrops on to the green dull grass.” ‘Green’ and ‘dull’ are two very opposite things. The grass can only be one of these.

Transitions in a story are very important. They help the reader follow the character. At one point during Chapter 1, Luhan was putting his umbrella away inside his locker, then the next he’s inside the classroom. How did he get there? You have to smoothly transition, announcing Luhan walking through the hallway and entering the classroom. You need to put more transitions throughout the story to make your flow smooth. You have to pretend that the reader is actually with the character, and this will help you paint the picture better.

The way you developed the relationship between characters was very fast paced and choppy. Just like transitions between paragraphs and scenes, there has to be transitions between characters and their relationships. In Chapter 2, I found it very strange and rather unlikely about the way Luhan felt about the strange boy. All of a sudden he feels responsible for him? We have to remember that this is the boy who cornered Luhan and harassed him. This isn’t consistent with the characters. It’s very important to stay consistent. Then it got a little awkward during this sentence: “But for Luhan it was he--me-first-so-he-belongs-to-me.” What? This was very strange, and doesn’t really flow with the story. Another example of underdeveloped relationships; right after Luhan found out about Sehun, he was already writing his name inside his notebook? How could Sehun affect him even though they hadn’t met? You have to develop there relationship first, because here Luhan seems in love with a person he hasn’t met. And why is he smiling? You said he wasn’t in love, but he sure seems like it. You should tone down the way Luhan feels about Sehun. He hasn’t even met the boy yet.

Another note. I noticed that one point Luhan was frightened of Sehun, and then the next he is bowing to him kindly? You have to be consistent in the way a character feels toward another. This includes fear, sadness, happiness, etc. In order to stick with the character, you have to stick with their emotions as well.

Ok, so after Luhan and Sehun met, they are walking outside. Earlier, you wrote: “The stranger who identified himself as Oh Sehun...” but then a paragraph later Luhan says: “Your name is Oh Sehun right?” This was already confirmed earlier so you might want to fix this. 

One thing that makes me cringe is how Sehun keeps calling Luhan Love and Sweetheart. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good dose of , but its just seems very off-key how Luhan doesn’t find this strange. You write that he finds it weird, but if it were me and a stranger called me ‘sweetheart’, I’d run off screaming for help. And why in the world is Luhan feeling safe around Luhan? The boy was standing creepily in the music room and smoking a cigarette while staring at poor Luhan. If you want to stick with you character, Luhan shouldn’t feel safe around Sehun. It doesn’t flow at all. As for Luhan’s behavior, I found it very unlikely how attached he became to Sehun. If I had a strange boy like Sehun calling me sweet names and always appearing out of nowhere, I most definitely wouldn’t be feeling responsible for him for feel close to him.

For your writing style, I’d say that you should still develop it more. You  should still work on ‘painting the picture’, which is very important. Also, some words that you used were a bit unnecessary. True, it’s important to describe what a character looks like, but sometimes writers can go overboard. When you were describing the hooded figure in the bathroom, it wasn’t necessary to note that the boy was wearing eyeliner. Another thing to note is that wasn’t Luhan not supposed to see his face? If he couldn’t see his face, how could he see that he was wearing eyeliner?

As for grammar, I found a lot of grammatical mistakes that you should really look over. It’s important to look over your work and edit it. In one sentence, you said: The other boy laughed so loud and intolerable for Lu Han’s taste. A better way of putting this would be: The other boy laughed too obnoxiously loud for Lu Han’s taste. 

When using adjectives to describe a word, you should only use one. There were more of your sentences where the grammar was incorrect. You should read back over your story and correct them. Also, in some sentences you used a comma inappropriately. Another point, you said Luhan ‘scarcely’ swallowed. Scarcely means barely; almost not. I doubt this is what you were trying to say. Another sentence said: “Baekhyun nose scrunched up, staring sightlessly at his friend who for the first time rejected him.” again, ‘sightlessly’ doesn’t belong there. You basically said that Baekhyun stared blindly at him. Instead, say: “Baekhyun stared with wide eyes at his friend. He wasn’t used to Luhan rejecting him.”

Also, some words you used the wrong form. For example, you said ‘lighted’ up. The proper form is ‘lit’ up.

Throughout the whole story, there were constant minor mistakes. You should definitely read over your work before posting it. If people find simple mistakes, people will think you either rushed it or just didn’t care. You should read over your work a second, third, and even fourth time. But again, they were simple mistakes and easy to correct.

To make up for my harshness, I will say this was a very fascinating story. It was very creepy (which was your intent, right?) and it had me cringing for poor Luhan. Luhan definitely has a curious mind in this story. He doesn’t seem as frightened, and if it were me, I would most definitely be frightened. I don’t normally read scary stories, and this was definitely frightening. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a stalker, but I’d think that it would be terrifying. Keep working on your story, and I hope my constructive criticism helpful.

Side Notes:

Advice: Make the spacing between paragraphs smaller, so its easier for the person to read. The single sentence paragraphs are a great touch, but again, there is way too much space during paragraphs. I had to scroll a lot just to reach the next paragraph. As for the chapter titles, why don’t you try titling them something different? Title Chapter 1 as Answer me, but for the rest try to be a little more creative. Maybe something like First Letter, Second Letter, Third Letter, First Text etc. Also, at one point you referred to Luhan as “the Chinese”. This is a distraction and is really not necessary. Just say “the boy” or simply “Luhan”.

Stick with your details: At one point you claimed that the umbrella Luhan was carrying in Chapter 1 was huge, then later you said it was small. It’s important to stick with your story, no matter how small the details.

Kudos: I did manage to feel frightened for Luhan. The plot was disturbing for the fact that this could actually happen as far as the stalking goes.

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Reviewer’s Notes: I’m sorry if this review seemed harsh, but I wanted to you with provide constructive criticism. Hopefully all my notes made sense. I hope you found my review helpful. Please don’t forget to give this shop credit the foreword of your story.