It’s funny how one second everything can feel okay and then the next it feels like hell is swallowing you up in its tongue of flames and all you can do is succumb to the heat.

            I know I used to say to not give in to the sorrow, to fight the sadness, that one day the stress would leave if you could just push past it and get to tomorrow. If you could just see that there was better on the other side; the sun comes after the rain. If only I could have seen that doing that wasn’t so easy.

            I see it now… Boy do I see it. How I see it I don’t know… My eyes are so blurred with tears that it’s getting hard to see anything any more… I can’t see my hand, I can’t see the walls I’ve surrounded myself with for the past three months, I can’t see where I’m going, I can’t see the future, the present… The only eyes I have are the ones in my head seeing the past – because the past was so much better.

            Because he was there.

            God, I wish he was here. He had so much to him! He had everything going for him! He didn’t deserve what came to him; he deserved to live a long happy life. We were supposed to grow old together… Walk hand in hand through forests while multi colored leaves fell around them like in those movies that he made fun of so badly…

            Thinking about him just makes me choke up all over again. I can feel my lungs heave, gasping for air as I stare blankly to the white ceiling. Wetness trickles from the corners of my eyes, clinging to my eyelashes for the briefest of moments before finally sliding down into the worn trails of the others that fell before.

What was life without crying now? I wonder… I spend so much of my time weeping over his loss that I can’t even begin to understand what my life before was. The black abyss is constantly surrounding me. The rain cloud is over my head and some bastard stole my umbrella… He would have had an umbrella…

I can’t even stop thinking about you for one second!

“WHY?!”

            Anger blurred my thoughts as I found the pillow I was clutching being thrown across the room. I expected it to hit the wall with a dull, unsatisfying thud but instead my ringing ears were met with the sudden sound of glass shattering. A picture frame? It couldn’t be…

            I took frantic steps to the pillow, tripping over my own socked feet as I did so. At that point in time I couldn’t care less whether tiny shards of glass were poking into my skin to show me the scarlet drops of my madness – I was dead set on retrieving the picture frame that lay face down on my wooden floor, right by the pillow I’d abused it with.

            My worst fears were confirmed when I saw what picture lay behind the corners of remaining class. The cardboard support at the back fell crooked out of place causing the picture to slip along with it and fall to the ground like a feather floating down from a random bird. It lay gracefully atop the shimmering shards and stared up at my miserable face with smiling eyes. Two pairs of shiny, brown eyes and two smiles beaming happily up at me. Cheek to cheek. So. Freaking. Happy.

            A sob. Another sob. They racked my body hard. Harder than they had before. Harder than the day of his funeral; harder than the time they told me to get over him; harder than the time they read me his will… Not harder than the time they told me his was dead.

            He’s dead. You’re dead. Why the are you dead?

            I wailed over the picture. He’s so happy, we were so happy.

            “Why did you leave me? Why did you go? Why couldn’t you stay?” I whimpered to the photograph. Shaky fingers reached out to probe his face only to be met with the smoothness of paper and not the soft, heated, tender flesh of his perfectly skin. His beautiful skin… His beautiful eyes… His beautiful face… He was so beautiful… Is… Was…

            “WHY?! WHY COULDN’T YOU ING STAY?!”

            The floor shook as I pounded with all my remaining strength onto the wooden boards. Pieces of glass wedged themselves in the padded sides of his hands. Tiny dribbles of blood stained the lining of the picture. It was only when a miniscule speck of the red liquid dropped on his cheek that I stopped… Or at least moved my rage to somewhere else.

            The room was small enough to cross with a few angry steps. My short legs couldn’t stop me from getting where I wanted. To the wall, where I repeatedly banged and banged and banged, sobbing over everything and nothing.

            “I hate you for leaving! I ing hate you for leaving! You can’t leave me here! I ing need you! I ing love you! I hate you! I hate you!”

            My head came next, smashing onto the varnished wall repeatedly until I fell to my knees unable to even keep upright any more from how hard I was shaking. I rested the top of my head against the wall, waiting for some sort of sanity to return to my mind and body. It shouldn’t hurt this bad… I should be able to live without you there… It’s not like you’re my oxygen… I don’t need you to live… I don’t… I don’t need you…

            “I don’t need you…”

            As I busied myself with weak attempts at trying to convince myself that his presence was nothing but another human being on the world the door creaked open to reveal the concerned face of the one person I’d treated like ever since everything happened.

            Many others had left, unable to deal with my mood swings and violent, pissy attitudes but he’d surprisingly stayed there. Packed a bag and made him a nice home on my couch. Usually I’d laugh at anyone sitting on the couch since I’d done so many naughty things on those cushions with that sweet angelic being of mine… But now it held no splendor… I was just a bunch of leather coated cushions… Housing that stupid tall, dark and handsome jerk who refused to leave my house.

            “Have you been hurting yourself again?” his deep voice asked me as he lowered himself down to my height. Damn ing him for being taller no matter what position we were in.

            Ha. If he’d been here now he would have told me to it up and deal with it and that it wasn’t his fault that I was born a short midget and to just deal with it… He was a funny guy… My funny guy.

            “You’re hands are bleeding… What did you do?”

            I’m floating. He picked me up, that stupid tall guy. What the hell can I do about it, though? Without him there I’m a weak, pathetic wreck with no desire because you left…

            Cushions met my back side as he gently deposited my down into my messed up bed sheets. An indent of my body was practically imbedded in the bed from the months and weeks I’d been laying in it. There was a wall of pillows where his body should be and I tried to hug it to find comfort but there was no way a lump of feathers could replicate the perfect shape of his chin or the slimness of his chest…

            “You’ve got glass in these… I’m going to have to get the tweezers to pull them out…”

            Do what you have to, it’s not like anything matters any more.

            Everything was numb like it always was after an outburst.

            Me and him, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G; first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… Death. First comes sorrow, then comes anger, then comes numbness to make things better.

            Numb was good. It meant not feeling all the pain you left behind when some cruel twist of fate decided it was your time to leave…

            Something fluttered gently beside me as I heard the door open again. I turned my head just to be met with his face once more. Half propped on my one of many pillows, he lay on an angle, his cheek still pressed to mine as we smiled happily together. I couldn’t help but trace the contours of his face with an aching index.

            My baby… My love…

            “Key… Why’d you have to leave?” I whispered before letting a silent tear slip.

            My hand lay carefully over top the photograph as I turned the world around me into nothing with a quick slip of the eyelids. His face was still there, laughing ever so happily…

            “… Why’d you have to leave?”

            And I was dragged back into the vicious circle again…