I tugged at the sleeves of my sweater, covering my hands so only my fingers showed. There was always that constant fear in the back of my head that convinced me to cover as much of myself as I could. Who’d want to see an ugly chubby kid in a t-shirt? Who’d want to see his flabby arms? These fears fed into my life in every way. They decided what clothes I wore, whether I would go to the beach with my friends during the summer, whether I should be teased for hiding in the toilets while changing for gym on a Monday evening.  Even now, as I lay on my back on the smooth grey wall of the flower bed with the river rushing behind the chapped green railing, I tugged at my sweater self-consciously to make sure my stomach was covered.  Families wandered around me, laughing, kicking footballs, and warning little children not to go too close to the railings that were too old to hold any weight on them. Nobody cared about the teenager who lay on the wall of the many flowerbeds, leaving me to lie in the peace.

                 I turned my gaze to the blue sky, frowning in disappointment. There were no clouds today; the sky was a clear crystal blue and seemingly endless. I sighed, fixing my fringe so it fell just over my eyes, another feature I hated and hid from the world behind glasses. Thick dorky black rims that framed my weirdly shaped eyes. It didn’t matter how many people complimented them, how many people thought they were uniquely shaped because to me that just made me even more different, another reason for people to target me. It was hard enough with Jongup following me around as he constantly tried to apologize for what he did, dragging the painful memories back. I’d trusted him, he’d hurt me. He’d broken me beyond repair, left me in a state that no one in my family dared to speak of. No one mentioned the year that I disappeared from my house, not word was spoken when I was back just people talking with a softer tone. Apologies whispered through tears when they thought I was sleeping, a more watchful eye on me during school and meals. They cared; they were just a little too late. I watched the sky, unmoving as I was, letting myself remember the years that still haunted me.

                     I was running, excited to return to school, and excited to see Jongup after a week of silence. Nervous butterflies jumbled about in my stomach, I’d missed my first week of High School due to a stomach bug and I’d been cut off from my best friend. I spent the days listening to my mother singing in the kitchen and my father’s old beaten up car stutter and splutter to life every day as he headed to work. But now I was free, I was free to see Jongup and make new friends. I was going to start High School and in my little innocent thirteen year old mind; it was going to be the best years of my life. I waited, jumping slightly with one earphone in my ear as a Shinhwa song played, trying to calm the nerves. Students passed, some offering an encouraging smile, others giggling and mutter about the fat kid. I didn’t let it bother me though, even if I was fat, Jongup was always on the other end telling me to ignore them. That he still loved me as I was and would always be my bestfriend. ‘Hey kid, I haven’t seen you around here before’ I was greeted with a gummy smile from a slightly taller boy. I smiled nervously, playing with the strap of my bag, ‘Yeah, I was meant to start last week but I was sick…’ When he laughed it sounded like the gentle deep purr of cat sleeping in the midday sun, ‘You’re cute kid, best of luck. If anyone bothers you just look for Bang Yongguk, okay? I have to run! Jiho my friend, will skin me if I’m not there to give him the mathematics homework’.  I watched as the kind stranger, no; as Bang Yongguk jogged away with his bag bouncing over one shoulder.

               I smiled, nerves dying down at the kind words of Bang Yongguk, the only one to not stare and actually talk to me. I turned my gaze once again to the road where Jongup walked from just in time to see him and a group of other kids I didn’t recognize. Jongup was laughing, that goofy smile on his face as they elbowed him and danced around. I always knew Jongup, even with his quietness, would be a friend magnetic. Especially with the way he was starting to grow out of his awkward chubby phase thanks to his dance lessons. He lifted his gaze and I watched as his eyes widen and he bit his lip, a nervous and guilty habit of his. I waved at him as he approached, moving to say hi to him when I heard them. ‘Jongup-ah, you don’t know that fat kid do you? He’s waving at you, disgusting’ one of the girls sneered and I dropped my hand, gazing pleadingly at my best friend. ‘He’s so fat, can he even walk? I’m surprised the earth hasn’t cracked yet’ they laughed again. Jongup remained silent until they were right beside. ‘God, the smell as well. Disgusting. People like you make me sick, why not starve yourself and fit in? Nobody is going to feel sorry for a lazy fatass like you Chubby’ Jongup’s voice was small but his words cut like knifes as his friends burst into laughter and pulled him towards the school. I stooped there until the bell went and spent the day curled into the furthest corner of the classrooms and hid in the bathrooms. I didn’t want to disgust or put others off their lunch.

             Weeks past like this. Jongup and his friends passing comments soon enough had our whole year insulting me. I spent my lunch times forcing whatever food passed my lips back up. I was never caught, and if anyone heard they just didn’t care. Assumed that the school’s mystery meat surprises had claimed another victim. Yongguk spoke to me, he waved whenever he saw me in the halls yet I never approached him. I’d just watch as that gummy smile, the one that offered safety melted away as I lowered my head. I didn’t want to bother him and his friends. I saw the looks, the pity on people’s faces for the poor fat kid and months passed like that. Months passed and I began to smile because the numbers on the scale, the ones that always bothered me were slowly getting smaller. Mother started working full time, Min-hee had started her freshman year in college and was now living with some friends on campus, she came home every second weekend but no one noticed. The excuses started. ‘I have to study late, I’ll eat with my friends’ ‘I had a big lunch today’ ‘I’m too tired’ ‘I’m late, I’ll skip breakfast’.

                      It was May before anyone noticed anything. I was staring into the mirror in the bathroom, shaking hands gripping the mirror as I gazed at myself in disgust. After all the hard work, all the skipped meals and extra walks I was still as fat as that first day in September. My stomach churned and I fled to the last stall, not even needing to force myself. The clenching of my stomach forced everything up. I didn’t hear the sounds of footsteps until it was too late. I was wiping my mouth and washing it out with the bottle of water I carried. ‘H-Himchannie…what’s happened to you?’ I tensed, not even needing to turn to know who was behind me. ‘G-go away Jongup’ I managed to croak out through the rawness of my throat as I popped a few mints into my mouth, desperately wanting to rid of the smell before I started again. ‘You look like a skeleton Himchan, just stay here and I’ll get someone, you need to go home, you look like you’re going to pass out’ Jongup panicked, fleeing the bathroom before I could protest. I stood on shaking legs, grabbing my things as I tried to make my way out before he came back. I knew I wasn’t a skeleton, I was a whale and he was lying. Lying to me about how I wasn’t fat just like he use to. I tried to move but the world started spinning out of control. My knees were knocking together as cold shivers ran through my spine and body, my chest was tightening and black dots danced in my vision. My bottle slipped from my hands, crashing to the floor as my knees started to buckle but before I could hit the ground, strong arms wrapped around me and I saw his eyes, those worried brown eyes that no longer held that smile.

          I’d awoken four days later in a white room filled with flowers. The dull beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound. There was no one in the room with me until a nurse appeared, adjusting the lines and needles that poked through the frail skin of my hand. ‘You’re in St James Teenage Care unit’ she’d replied when I’d asked, ‘You collapsed in your school bathroom due to starvation and dehydration for what seems to be Bulimia and Anorexia. Your parents have requested that you stay in the Hospital with us until we deem you fit to leave. The Doctor will be in shortly to explain your treatment’. The months that had followed were hell. Between deep and hard truths discovered during therapy sessions every three days and trying to keep up with the in-hospital tutors so I didn’t fallen behind in school but the worst was meal time. When the pretty short brown haired nurse Hyosung had to hold the basin under me as the tiny amounts of food Id managed to get down were rejected and left me feeling weak and defeated every time. ‘There’s always tomorrow Channie’ she'd say as she rubbed soothing circles into my back. Yongguk visited me every day after school and after work on the weekends. He’d lie in the bed beside me, he never talked about the day I collapsed, just told me stories about our school. He’d rap to me, share with me his darkest secrets and sweetest wishes while holding me close as if I was paper thin and disappearing. He never complained when my bones poked him uncomfortably as they threatened to someday rip through my skin, just smiled sweetly and told me I was getting prettier with each day. I still think he lies when he says that but a part of me started to believe him when I was discharged and he was there. He was there with a little cupcake and his ten year old brother Junhong who’s eyes widened with a ‘Hyung, he really is beautiful Hyung’.

              ‘Channie?’ I felt something poke my check but choose to ignore it, biting the inside of my check as I let the memories slip away like ripples on water. ‘Chan-ah, come on Channie, don’t tell me you’ve fallen asleep on me, I was only gone for like two minutes!’ his deep voice was slightly whiney now and I could hold back the small smile as my legs were lifted slightly so they rested in his lap. Even with my eyes closed I knew that gummy smile would be on his lips. Slowly I opened my eyes, proving myself right as he smiled brightly. One of his arms supporting him by my head as he leant over me, staring down into my eyes. ‘You look very pretty today Channie’ Yongguk laughed softly, delicate fingers brushing through my fringe. I always thought his fingers were like those of girls, slim and slender, the skin smooth unlike my own calloused ones from years of drumming and strumming on guitar. I responded by puffing out my cheeks and shaking my head in reply before his lips met the tip of my nose in a sweet kiss. ‘You are, in fact…’ Yongguk moved his hand to take away the thick rimmed glasses, ‘You’re simply breath taking Kim Himchan’. I could feel my face heating up as I ducked behind my hands, hiding my eyes from him as his warm breath tickled my skin.

                  Bang Yongguk was the one thing that would never fail to break through all my barriers. He, without fail, was the one to strip me of all my fears and protective layers to find me, the insecure me he’d taken a liking to all those years ago. I was released from the hospital when I turned fifteen, Yongguk was sixteen and ever since my life has never been the same. It was filled with soft words whispered in the night and fleeting touches like butterfly wings on my skin to make sure I knew he cared. He told me everyday how he felt, even when it took him a while to find the right words. He was the one constant thing in my dark word, that little matchstick of light that refused to be extinguished. Even on the days were he’d find me in that bathroom once again or curled up in a ball with puffy eyes under the covers of my sheets, even when I lashed out and physically kicked him. He never let go. If anything, his grip would tighten just a little bit to keep me ground.

          Soft fingers danced around my collar bone and neck, drawing a sigh from my lips as I moved slightly. Yongguk just smiled, as I gazed at him over the material covering my hands and lay on his side beside me.  I smile although I knew he couldn’t see it through my hands, yet I felt I needed to smile as his soft fingers tracing the skin of my arms in lazy patterns. Yongguk just stared at me, a soft smile on his puffy lips as I lowered my hands slowly. His fingers followed my arm, running up my neck to trace my face softly. His other hand moved to rest on my stomach, making me squirm slightly. I’d always hated when he did that, when anybody touched my stomach, it made me uncomfortable, reminding me of the days I’d spend trying to shove the fat into a flat stomach. I began to lose myself in the thoughts again, my mind replying all the desperate attempts to be perfect, to fit into modern day society. Yongguk’s eyes were alight with an burning emotion that I couldn’t put a name on, or maybe I was just afraid to as he let his lips follow the path of his fingers. I let my eye lids shut softly as his lips pressed against my cheeks, fleeting touches that left a sweet burn on my skin as he kissed between my eyebrows before placing soft kisses on my eye lids.

                    I opened them, eyelashes brushing his cheek as I gazed at him. I let my eyes meet his, let his beauty take my breath away like it did every time I gazed at him. He was everything I needed to feel secure. He was the one to sooth the bruises and kiss the cuts as they faded, piecing my back together from the broken boy on the bathroom floor into the one he held in his arms. I would never understand it; my mind had spent so many hours trying to comprehend why such a creature would give me a second look. ‘You were always beautiful Himchan, you had such an innocence that drew me too you, I just wished I could have made you see it back then, but now I have a whole life ahead of me to make you see how beautiful you are each and every day’. The words were always hovering in my mind when I felt the world closing in on me, when I got a funny stare that sent my heart racing and stomach churning. Yongguk’s words were the calm I needed to sooth the need to be perfect because I found it in his eyes. The way he gazed at me, held me so carefully against him. He’d opened my eyes to the beautiful side of me, even though I still didn’t see myself fully, the glass being foggy and distorted by words and scars that would most likely remain in my life until I was old and grey, but slowly, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, myself worth was developing thanks to the man smiling down at me.

        I let my shaky fingers trace his face like they had so many times, fingers tracing the small bumps of acne scars and pink scars from shaving. Yongguk hummed a deep rumble in his chest that remained me of thunder on a stormy day. ‘People are probably giving us dirty looks right now’ I muttered softly, running my hand down his arm, fingers interlocking with his slim ones, the ones that reminded me of my sisters hands. They fit together perfectly, calloused against smooth, a perfect combination of imperfections. ‘Of course they are staring, I have the most beautiful boy in all of Seoul lying with me right now’ Yongguk smiled, pink gums showing as he brushed his nose against my cheek. I let out a soft snort, rolling my eyes at his typically cheesy answer. ‘Don’t be a slim ball Guk, I don’t attract any attention, it’d be you they stare at, wondering why the god is lowering himself with a mere peasant’ I closed my eyes again. Yongguk let out a deep sigh, warm minty breath caressing my cheek as I shivered despite the sunlight. ‘Shut up Himchan. If anyone is a peasant here it’s me. I don’t deserve to be in the presence of such royalty’ Yongguk teased, a serious undertone to his words. I allowed a soft smirk to play on my lips, ‘I know Guk; I just wanted you to admit that I’m better then you’. I could almost feel the way his eyes were rolling at my statement as he leant down to peck my lips. ‘I’ll always be at the service of my sweet prince, even if I am a mere peasant’ he muttered against my lips. I smiled, the type of smile that you can’t repress, that burst from your lips, wanting the world to know how you were feeling. I could feel the blush on my cheeks as I spoke softly, ‘I wouldn’t trade you for anything Yongguk…even if you are but a lowly peasant’. I cut off any smart comment he could make with my lips against his. Yongguk seemed to approve as he deepened it, squeezing my hand to encourage me, knowing how hard it was for me to make the first move, to believe that I could, that he was mine to kiss.

        I could hear the disgusted mutters of people that walked by us as we lay on the warm concrete of the flower bed ledge. The rushing of the river drowned out their voice, the feeling of Yongguk’s heart beating against my chest dulling the ache in my own from the fear of being judged. Even though my mind was struggling, half of it trying to convince me to run, to escape the judging eyes, my hand found a way to the back of Yongguk’s neck as he kept the kiss slow at sweet. The words he couldn’t say, the ones I’d brush off or deny were poured into the kiss. Each gentle brush of his lips filling me with warmth that words never could, paint my soul in colors that only the two of us could see, that only I could keep. Yongguk pulled back, nipping my lip softly as he moved back. I allowed him to pull me into a sitting position. My body relaxed and compliant as he moved me to sit in his lap, tucking my head into the hollow of his neck, a warm hand on my back. I could feel his heart hammering in his chest. It always amazed me to see the physical effect I had on him, his words were never enough as words could be faked, but they way his heart pounded and his cheeks were dusted with red spoke more than  his words ever could.

           I knew he could feel the way my heart echoed the rhythm of his own. I let myself be lulled, eyes closing once again as he hummed the beat to a familiar balled I’d grown attached to. His hand moved to my hair as I wrapped an arm around his waist, the other resting above his heart. I knew deep inside that I’d never find anyone else that made me feel this safe. Not even my family attempted to make me feel safe, they tiptoed around me. Their minds find with the guilt of never noticing how broken I’d become, their apologies whispered into a dark room late at night where I couldn’t see them. Then there was Yongguk, Yongguk and his words that were brighter then the sun. The ones that had told me I’m safe, loved, that someone out there in the dark twisted cold place I’d lived in for a year held a light with my name of it. I knew it wasn’t easy. That Yongguk had his own pressures. That things were never quite right at home with a his sister who went against the family wishes and a twin brother who was expected to be the better option to inherit the family business then the quiet and sometimes shy twin. Despite his own hardships, despites the times when he found himself crumbling, he’d always been by my side with loving words and soft touches.

             The words that I’d held back for so long began to itch at my throat, the ones I’d been terrified to say for fear of rejection. The ones that never left the dark corner of my heart even though the other had said them before to me. The ones that were taboo, because who could ever accept the love of a broke boy? My heart fluttered in my chest as I gazed up at him. His strong jaw relaxed into a smile, eyes glinting in the sunlight, black hair styled just right. He turned his head to gaze at me. His eyes holding more words then his full lips could ever speak to me in a life time. I let my fears go in that moment, reaching up to cup his face softly with my hand that had been monitoring his heart beat. He wanted to speak, ask me why my eyes were filling with tears but he restrained himself. My words were small, trembling, not powerful and strong like I hoped but the smile I was rewarded with when they left my lips. The way his own eyes filled with tears as he leant into kiss me. ‘I love you Yongguk. I love you more than the moon and stars. I love how you’ve thought me to love myself. You’ve been wiping away the fog on the glass slowly and I’m beginning to see myself for who I am, not for who others see me as and god…I love you. I really do’. The kiss ended, his forehead pressed against mine, our hearts beating in time, our skin warming from the sun and each other as he repeated those three words before we sank into the comfortable silence again. The darkness in my mind was slowly dimming as I let it be filled with the light Yongguk showed me with everyday. And I knew, deep down in the back of my mind, that someday it would only remain in a small part of me, thanks to the boy with the gummy mile who never gave up on the chubby kid he’d meet in the school hallway, the one who he’d seen at his lost point and brought back. I could feel happier as I cuddle into his chest his steady hands holding me close, a little loser now that we both knew that this, whatever it was, would never end because sometime love grows in the dark and blooms into light, just like ours.

a/n: I found this gathering dust only half complete in my fic folder and with the recent interview where Himchan admitted to starving himself I thought I should finish it. I'm not sure if I'm happy with the ending but I hope you guys are, enjoy the banghim and prepare yourself for B.A.P's comeback (and hopefully the comeback of Banghim ;) ) ~Emmy