Starry Night
Starry Night
One, Two, Three
Yoona took a deep breath and held back her tears. She exited the Soshi dorm to stand on the balcony outside. She looked at the up at the stars longingly and bit her lip, a lump forming in .
I'm going crazy, stars.
Spiraling downwards towards insanity indeed, Yoona was. Insanity caused by a maddening love she felt for someone. Someone she was very close to, someone she admired and respected, someone named Kwon Yuri.
No matter how much I look, I can't see you, because of the tears that fill my two eyes.
Yoona was used to hiding her pain. Her relationship with her parents wasn't the best, and she was able to hide that from the public. Because of this, Yoona thought that she would be able to hide any sort of pain. But after falling in love with Yuri, and feeling the pain of love that could never be, Yoona realized that she was wrong. This pain was like a large, open wound that no bandage or cloth could cover up. It was out in the open for everyone to see. Every time she saw her best friend, her day was immediately ten times happier, but immediately after that, the pain of unrequited love's wound felt ten times worse. Tears would form in her eyes, and Yuri became a blur as Yoona would rush out of the room in attempt to hide her pitiful self.
On top of the smudged words I wrote, I am crying.
The young girl shared a room with her best friend. They would write notes to each other because they didn't get to see each other often due to their busy schedules. Yoona recalled one note from Yuri... "Yoona, I know you're tired these days. I'm sorry we can't talk more often, even though we share a room. But you know, right? You know that Eonnie is always here for you. You know you can always come to me with anything that's bothering you, and I'll do my best to help you. You seem to cry a lot these days, and I feel terrible that I can't always be there to comfort you. My arms are always open and are waiting to embrace you whenever you need or want it. I love you Yoona, don't ever forget." Yoona's eyes stung as tears formed while recalling the note. She remembered the exact reply she wrote as well. With a shaky hand, she had written sloppily, "Yuri. Don't worry about me. I'm sorry for making you do so. I wish I could tell you, but I'm too scared. I can handle it though..." Had it really been just last night that she had wrote that note in response? It seemed like ages ago. In fact, every minute seemed to drag on for an eternity these days. It was agony.
I promised myself not to cry again, but I'm crying.
It was a cold night out on the balcony. Yoona was completely alone out there. It was around midnight and all the members were asleep after an exhausting day full of schedules. She let herself go. She drowned herself in tears, not even bothering to wipe them up with her scarf. She sunk onto the floor and let the tears fall freely.
What do I do? I'm crazy like this. Really, because of you, I can't do anything.
Yoona knew she couldn't do this forever. She couldn't hold everything in all day and cry it all out at night for long. People would notice. But what else could be done? Because of Kwon Yuri, she couldn't do anything with herself but cry and hide.
Star, Star, Star, I loved you as much as I loved a star. I'm looking for you. From far away, you're a shining star.
"Yuri-ah, I love you so much. You shine brighter than any star that I see in this night sky right now. Even in my thoughts, you're dazzling. I don't know how to make anything work. I want to be with you. I want you to love me, too..." Yoona thought to herself. How badly she wanted her love to be returned. But how could it? How could she ever confess her love to the shining black pearl?
Even if I talk in many ways, I can't express it.
No matter how hard she tried to explain it to herself, nothing made sense to the frail girl. Her heart was sick in love, and so was her mind. And her body would soon get sick as well, if she continued to torture herself like this.
It's really frustrating, now what am I supposed to do?
Even when I count, one, two, I can't see the end. Because of the memories that are buried within my heart, and the thoughts of you.
Yoona could see no end to this dreadful cycle, because she knew that she could never stop loving Yuri, and she also knew that she could never be loved in return. There was no hope. Yoona hated herself and called herself an idiot for dwelling on all the little caring things Yuri had done for for her in the past, thinking that they could be signs of love. Things like Yuri singing her to sleep, or Yuri sneaking in a meal when the younger girl was hungry, or Yuri wrapping her arms around Yoona when she longed for her parents, or Yuri encouraging Yoona to go for her dreams, or just Yuri giving her a beautiful smile. They meant nothing to Yuri, but they meant the world and more too Yoona. How many times Yoona had dreamed of the day when she and Yuri could walk hand in hand together, kiss each other's cheeks sweetly, she had lost count.
I talk to myself and finish the unfinished conversations, to bring you back to me again, or send me to you.
Yoona could see no end to this dreadful cycle, because she knew that she could never stop loving Yuri, and she also knew that she could never be loved in return. There was no hope. Yoona hated herself and called herself an idiot for dwelling on all the little caring things Yuri had done for for her in the past, thinking that they could be signs of love. Things like Yuri singing her to sleep, or Yuri sneaking in a meal when the younger girl was hungry, or Yuri wrapping her arms around Yoona when she longed for her parents, or Yuri encouraging Yoona to go for her dreams, or just Yuri giving her a beautiful smile. They meant nothing to Yuri, but they meant the world and more too Yoona. How many times Yoona had dreamed of the day when she and Yuri could walk hand in hand together, kiss each other's cheeks sweetly, she had lost count.
I talk to myself and finish the unfinished conversations, to bring you back to me again, or send me to you.
She had always thought out little fantasies in her head about what it would be like if they were really together, just like a little schoolgirl with a crush, except this was more than a crush. One day, before an acting audition, Yuri would send her off with a warm hug, and an 'I love you,' and Yoona return the 'I love you,' with all her heart. And Yuri would run her hand through Yoona's hair soothingly and take her face in both of her hands and tell her, 'You're gonna get that role no matter what, I believe in you,' and with a light kiss on the cheek, Yuri would push her into the audition room. Yoona sighed as she snapped out of her ridiculous fantasy. She looked up to the night sky filled with stars...
Do me a favor, send my prayers to the sky.
Yoona prayed with all her heart that she could be strong for the sake of her health, and for the sake of everyone around her. If she could just be strong, and hold in her feelings, then all would be well. Yuri would eventually find a husband. Maybe she would get married to Minho, she seemed to be interested in him... The thought sent Yoona over the edge. She couldn't bear it. Yuri with someone other than her. It was incredibly selfish and spoiled of her to feel that way, though.
Calm me down, where are you, who said you'll calm me down?
She needed Yuri right now. Only Yuri could take this pain away, only Yuri could comfort her. "Only... Yuri... I only want... Yuri..." Yoona said in a cracking voice. She curled up on the hard, cold floor, and didn't notice when she fell asleep in the freezing outdoors, allowing her mind to dream.
Star, Star, Star, Stars, please talk. Is it over? Is it like that? Please answer me, instead of just smiling.
Yoona dreamed she was in a beautiful, flower-filled meadow in the middle of a summer night. She saw an angel in a flowing, black dress a little ways away. The angel's back was turned to Yoona while she bent down picking an array of flowers. Yoona called out to her, "Yuri-ah?" The angel turned around and smiled. Yoona's heart fluttered. Yuri held out the flowers to Yoona, but for some reason, Yoona couldn't walk toward them. "For me?" She asked. Yuri only nodded, still smiling.
Star, Star, Star, Stars, I beg you, even if it's only once, let me fly with you, to my love.
The young girl struggled to move her feet under the starlight in the meadow, but for some reason, she couldn't. Yuri was just out of her reach. She only had to walk a few steps, and she would be able to meet Yuri in an embrace, but she just couldn't get her feet to move. Soon, daylight started to break in the dream, and the stars began to disappear. And as the sky faded and turned light, the angel did too. "No! Yuri, don't leave. Please. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Stay with me," Yoona whispered, as Yuri finally disappeared.
"Yoona. Yoona. Yoona!"
Yoona's eyes fluttered open to a still dark surrounding, it was probably around 2 am.
"Yuri..." she muttered groggily.
"What in the world are you doing out here?" Yuri asked with concern. "It's freezing! You're going to get sick! What were you thinking?" Then she smiled. "You're so silly. Come inside, go to our room and get in bed. I'll bring you hot chocolate to warm you up," she said as she ran her fingers through Yoona's hair soothingly.
Yoona sat up quickly. She stared at the angel in front of her. She couldn't quite comprehend what she was doing out here. "Yuri... what... happened?" she asked, honestly confused.
Yuri put her sweater around Yoona's shoulders and took one of the younger's hands in both of her's in attempt to warm it."You fell asleep out here, sweetie. Although, I can't imagine how anyone could fall asleep in this bitter cold," she said with a chuckle. "I found you crying in your sleep..." Yuri stared deep into Yoona's eyes. "Yoona. I know your keeping something from me. Contrary to what your note said, I am very worried about you. Something's eating you from the inside out. You're usually so good at hiding the pain that I know you feel because of the situation with your parents, so for people to be able to see you in pain means there's something going on. Why won't you tell me? You know you can tell me more than you can tell anyone else. And I'm not saying this because I want gossip, I'm saying this because I'm worried about you, and I don't want you to be hurting."
Yoona stared at the ground. She wanted to tell Yuri everything. She knew that Yuri wouldn't judge her. But she was just so scared of how Yuri would feel in return. However, Yoona decided in a second that she would rather try and get rejected than never try, never know, and suffer forever. She took a deep breath, and told Yuri about the dream.
"...and as the stars faded from the night sky, so did you, but I didn't want you to leave. I never want you to leave me, Yuri. I want to stay with you forever. I... I really..." Yoona struggled to find the right words. But she didn't have to struggle anymore as Yuri wrapped her arms around her dongsaeng in a warm embrace. Yoona gasped and then leaned into Yuri's neck. She felt... almost... relaxed. Yuri had that effect on her. Then, wordlessly, Yuri helped the sniffling Yoona onto her feet, put one arm around her waist, and, always smiling, led her back into the dorm, and to their room.
Yuri gently sat Yoona down on her bed. She then left momentarily, and returned with two mugs of hot chocolate. She sat down next to Yoona on the bed and handed her a mug. "Drink it," Yuri said, "You'll need something besides blankets to warm you up." However, when Yoona didn't drink, Yuri put one hand on the back of Yoona's neck, and used the other one to press the mug to her lips. Yoona's eyes widened in schock, and then her lips parted just enough to let in a bit of the chocolate. It was delicious. And warm. She took the mug into her own hands and began to drink more. Yuri sighed with relief and took a sip of her own drink.
"Yoona... would you believe me if I told you that I had that same dream just a few nights ago?" Yuri asked. Yoona looked up at her best friend in surprise. "Yeah, I can't believe it either. There were a few differences, though. Instead of a meadow, we were at a children's park. And instead of nighttime, it was during the day. You were wearing white instead of black. And when the sun started to set, you started to fade away. I didn't want you to leave either... I wanted you to stay with me..."
Yoona continued to look at Yuri with puzzled eyes. "I guess what this means is... we're opposites. You're day, I'm night. You're East, I'm West. No matter the example, opposites cannot exist without each other. We cannot exist without each other... I can't live without you." Yuri said firmly. The younger girl was too tired for words anymore. She wasn't even sure if she could speak without screaming, so many emotions bubbling inside her. She just set down her mug and snuggled close to Yuri. "Eonni..." she murmured into Yuri's hair.
"Poor Yoona, you must be so tired, sweetie. You should sleep now." Yuri took Yoona's shoulders and gently layed her down, then ran her hands down the other's arms to hold her hands. "Yuri..." Yoona muttered sleepily. "Yes?" Yuri said, as she started singing a lullaby for Yoona. "You... you won't fade in the morning when the sun comes up right? Like in my dream? You'll stay with me right?" Yoona asked, sounding like a small child.
"Of course I'll still be here. I didn't fade away any other mornings, did I? I promise, I'll stay with you. And you have to promise that you won't fade away when night comes again, okay? Sleep now, sweetie." Yuri continued her lullaby.
"Eonni?" Yoona asked, her eyes closed; half asleep. "Hmm?" Yuri hummed her response. "I love you." Yoona whispered as she drifted back to sleep. Yuri smiled and kissed Yoona's cheek as a goodnight gesture, whispered 'I love you too,' and continued singing her lullaby softly.
I loved you as much as I loved a star.
A/N: Hehe, hello there. Well, this is my first time writing a girl x girl fic. bwahah, do you like it? :3 actually, i totally love kwon yuri, sooo this is kind of like what i wish could happen to me. HAHA. yeah. she's my ultimate girl bias. gosh she's awesome... anyways. the italicized parts are the lyrics to my favorite snsd song called 'star star star' it's realllly pretty, go listen to it :P kekeke. btw, sorry i haven't updated my chaptered jongkey fic in a while... don't worry though, i'll update it sooner or later. so, thanks for reading, comments are appreciated! <3 ughh it's 4 am... good night now ;~:
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