“Dear Diary,

 

 

 

Words are overflowing. Too much, too little time to understand them all. That old pen still lingers in my hand and I'm still writing, even when there's nothing to say.

Autumn. Still. All leaves are dead; the colors of the world are gone.

It's peaceful, quiet.

My body is still triggering and my mind is gone. Sanity is a word I can't recall anymore. 'It' came back. 'It' was here. The monster was back, for a while. I panicked. I think I died, again. Everything is black. No emotions or feelings. Numbness.

Dear Diary, I think I'm dead.”

 

 

 

“You worthless piece of !” Those eyes of his, in the color of crimson red, with a thick vein running through the side of his neck. A hand, stronger than any other and painful, as if wanting blood. A smile, like a joker; it was crooked and treacherous. A man, a monster. 'It'.

“Mom, mommy... Mommy please, take me away.” Weak. Begging on his weak legs and looking with eyes full of something, someone would call hope. But it was just a loud cry of hopelessness. Hopelessness that grew in him as the woman, he called mother once, turned away from his cries and run.

'It' stepped closer and the little boy, who once might have been seen smiling, was left with a monster. A monster that left him with bruises, tears, shadows of what was before and a clear vision of what was going to happen.

A simple touch. A painful touch. The touch of a monster. The touch of 'it'.

 

 

 

“Do KyungSoo, hurry up.” The weather seemed to be mimicking the mood of the Monday morning, as if laughing at the unpleasant feeling of sadness surrounding the two boys.

“Sorry MinSeok, I lost my book.” School wasn't the nicest place to be in, at least for KyungSoo; MinSeok didn't have to care anymore, he was the one with a nice job. The kind of job where you actually smile at the though of.

“Don't worry, just get in.” He hurried to the blue Hyundai that was standing in front of his friend's house. The house he called a home.

“Can, can you just move your hand?” Quietly, with a crooked voice, KyunSoo he said to his best friend. Shaking a bit at the though of the closeness.

“Sure, sorry.”

MinSeok was the best thing that ever happened to KyungSoo and he was very aware of that. As much as he tried, he knew he would never be able to repay him the debt. MinSeok was the one person who took care of him, cared for him and made him feel.

“Here. Soo, remember, today I'm at work 'till ten and you have to walk back alone.” He gave him a wide smile and drove off in hurry.

KyungSoo, as always being one of the first ones at the university, decided to sit underneath the tree that swung itself with the wind in the middle of the school park.

He took out an old notebook, with golden pages that showed its real age and bits of paper ripped and placed at the end of the book, along with a simple black pen. With silver letters, engraved in the pen, it said 'Touch the feelings'.

“Dear Diary,

It has been so long since I've sat underneath this tree. It changed. Its leaves are gone, flying around the park like kites. I've been moved around like an unwanted box nowadays. Everyone around is changing and I'm still paralyzed in time.

There's a new boy in the class. He doesn't look a law major. But's he is in the law class, year below.

Apparently.

I wasn't there on Friday when he first came. Apparently, he chose the empty sit next to SeHun, my dongsaeng. Apparently, he's nice. At least that's what BaekHyun told me. He never lies, so it must be true.”

“Hello, writer.” KyungSoo widened his eyes as someone stood next to him, towering him over like he was a miniature. He felt scared, someone was close to him. Panic was what he did, when the stranger moved his hand to give him a shake. He stood up and left, almost running.

Cold sweat run down his back.

 

 

 

He sat in the classroom, waiting for the lecture to start. KyungSoo was sat at the end of the room, a bit separated from everyone else, a bit further away. Tao came in the second and waved to his friend.

 

“Why so early Soo?”

“Just felt like being alone.” He smiled and let out a long held breath he didn't realize he was holding in.

“What's that new boys name, huh?” With fake carelessness, KyungSoo threw a random question, leaving it floating in the air for a while before Tao decided to answer it.

“Jong-”

“JongIn, Kim JongIn. Hello sunbae.” A boy walked in with a confident step, along with SeHun, the ulzzang from year two. Who would've had thought he would be a law major? Seems more like a star. He was quite an emotionless person, but very caring. Like a little brother, as Tao said once.

“Sunbae, hello.” SeHun bowed to both of the boys, but his face remained poker. JongIn started walking towards KyungSoo, but he was stopped by Tao firm hand.

“Stay there.” Calmly, he said letting his hand down.

“Why? What did I do?” In confusion, he looked at SeHun in search for help. All he wanted was to just introduce himself properly. KyunSoo gave a look to SeHun in panic.

“JongIn, let's go to our class, it will start in a minute.” He came up the to the confused boy and took his arm in order to pull him out of the place.

 

 

 

They sat in their seats as the teacher came in. The lecture has started, but JongIn's mind was nowhere near the law. He was thinking about the boy with beautiful eyes.

“SeHun, what just happened? Who's that boy and why did you drag me out?” He tapped his shoulder to gain his attention.

“He's name is Do KyungSoo. He's in the year above and he's the law major. Just like us. All I can say is don't go close to him. No shaking hands, no stepping closer than a metre away, ok?” He had a smirk on his face and it was suspicious. JongIn stared into SeHun in hope of more explanation, but he just sat there quietly.

“Why? What's wrong with him?” His heart felt a little uneasy, that boy was quite a mystery.

“One word, chiraptophobia.”

“What's that?” JongIn waited patiently for the answer, but all the other blurted out was a set of instructions.

“Phone, internet, google. Search it.” His eyes wandered to the floor and the urge to just ask about everything about that strange boy was really eating him. Impatient, that's what he was. JongIn was impatient.

 

 

 

“Tao, I'll get my food later, when everyone's gone.” KyungSoo sat on the grass next to the tree and slowly lowered himself to lay down. He was tired. School was tiring for him, so many people, hands, bodies, touching.

“I'll get if for you, ok? Wait here.” “You don't have to... Thanks, I know I'm a burden.” Instead of leaving, Tao sat down opposite KyungSoo, letting himself sit closer than always, but still far enough for KyungSoo to feel comfortable.

“Soo, stop this. How many times do I have to tell you it's ok? Huh? You realize you're my best friend and I don't mind that we can't go anywhere together, or the fact I'm not allowed to hug you or even shake your hand. I'm ok with the fact I can't really be near you. One meter rule. I know. So shut up with this nonsense and tell me what you want for lunch, I'll buy it.” Tao was out of breath at the last word. He had said it many times to his friend, but KyungSoo needed those words to be reminded to him from time to time, just to know he still is wanted and liked.

“Thanks Tao, just....You know. Hmm, get me anything that's eatable.” They exchanged smiles and KyungSoo was left alone writing in his notebook.

“Dear Diary,

I'm here again, bothering your soft pages with my words.

I met that boy, he's name in Kim JongIn. I like him. He's nice and straightforward, but it's ok for him, he didn't know right? We could be friends I guess, and we probably will be. SeHun won't let that not happen. I thoug-”

“Oh, who do we have here? Isn't that Mr. Touchy?” KyungSoo hid the book in his bag and looked up in fear, swallowing loudly and holding a breath.

The JJ brothers. JunShik and JunMyeon. The bullies.

JunShik stepped closer to him and reached out a hand, to which KyunSoo started panicking and breathing heavily, rocking back and forth on the ground, helplessly knowing he couldn't escape.

“Please, please leave me alone. Please go.” JunMyeon raised his hand and pretended to hit him, but only swung the hands around KyunSoo's head. Tears formed in his dark eyes, when everything came back again...

“You worthless piece of !” “Mom, mommy... Mommy please, take me away.”

 

 

“Get out!” Someone voice snapped him out the trans, he was crying and felt embarrassment. He was a man, he shouldn't cry.

 

Worthless.

.

Freak.

And again, he was numb.

Emotionless.

 

The JJ's, feeling bored because someone interrupted their play, left with only stared towards the boy.

“Sunbae, are you ok? Please don't cry. What happened?” It was JongIn, KyungSoo was scared, but felt safe at the same time. He sat up and gave a weak smile to the younger.

“You know... Call me... Soo. I feel old being called sunbae.” Desperately trying to change the subject, he decided to say the first thing that came to his mind.

“Yes, sunbae. I mean, Soo.” JongIn moved away a little, seeing the uneasiness in the other boy's eyes. Beautiful eyes. They sat a while in silence, until JongIn couldn't stand it anymore.

“So sunbae... Soo, I mean, can I ask you something?”

“Erm, yes. Sure.” Unsure. He didn't like questions. Especially from strangers.

“What is chiraptophobia?” KyungSoo went blank. Who told him? Now he will think he's a freak too. He's scared of his bad opinion, but what he doesn't understand is why? He never cared that much, but somehow, this boy, is just different.

“I... It's-”

“Soo, here's your food.” In saviour, Tao came and placed the plastic bag on the ground from which KyungSoo picked it up. The way they behaved was strange to JongIn. No physical contact. No touch.

“Tao sunbae, what is chiraptophobia?” Tao, shocked by the unexpected question, took the donsaengs arm and pulled him to the nearest bench. KyungSoo was left alone, dumfounded and shocked.

 

 

“JongIn, first, don't you even say that in front of KyungSoo, ok?” He nodded and Tao continued.

“Secondly, I heard your conversation on break with SeHun. What was that about? Is it true?” The younger boy's cheeks went pink and felt like burning.

“I, I was just talking nonsense... I, I mean... Yeah, it's kind of true.”

“What do you mean kind of? True or not?” His voice got firmer and JongIn gave in.

“Well, yes. Yes, it is. Now can you tell me something about him? What's with that phobia?” JongIn smiled and got a pathetic look from his colleague.

“I'll only say this once so listen. KyungSoo doesn't need to know that I told you, ok?” A simple nod was all he needed to continue speaking.

“KyungSoo has chiraptophobia, which means he's scared of being touched. He panics and even cries when someone gets too close. Even his friends. Nobody is ever allowed to touch him in any way possible. It's shocking what you told SeHun. That you like him. You don't even know him. You can't like a person you don't know. Get it? You just can't. So stop trying, because you'll only hurt him, and I won't let this happen, he went through enough already. And if you ever try anything, I will not stop myself. Get it?” The atmosphere got colder with every word.

JongIn felt uneasy, but his confidence in his actions was still there and he had one more thing to say.

“But I will try. I will touch KyungSoo's heart. No matter what, I do know him. He's been my neighbour since a year. He just didn't realize I existed. You should know, he's not a very social and outgoing person.” Tao was at loss of words, expecting anger, embarrassment, fear, but not that. He felt bad about his words, felt bad because JongIn seemed to be different from expected. Nice.

He stood up.

“Just don't break it.” And he left.

 

 

 

“Tao, where have you been so long? Our next lecture is in two minutes.” Time was ticking but Tao seemed to be in his own world.

 

 

“By any chance, does JongIn seem familiar to you?”

“Yes, strangely, I swear I saw him before.”

 

 

 

It was the end of the day and KyungSoo remember he had to walk home today. Tiredness was taking over his body one by one, he gave in and sat down for a while, opening his notebook and scribbling some notes.

“Today. Got saved by Kim JongIn. A boy from year two, law major. SeHun's friend.”

“Hi, writer.” A hand vigorously waved in front of his face, leading to a tall boy named JongIn he was just thinking of. KyungSoo shruged.

“Hi.” The answer was so short and snappy, it sounded at the edge of rudeness and anger.

“Do.. Do you want me to go?” His smile turned into a hurt expression and his heart felt like a stone. Heavy and hurting too.

“No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound so rude. I was just, thinking.” About you.

“Anyway, I think we live in the same direction, want to come with me?” KyungSoo felt a sudden burst of endorphin in his body and smiled widely.

“Sure. If you want to.” Without thinking, JongIn grabbed his hand and pulled him. KyungSoo was burning and panicking. He snapped his hand.

“Don't you ever touch me. Let go!” His heart was pounding and the touch was burning. Again, all those images, all those words and pain.

“You worthless piece of !” “Mom, mommy... Mommy please, take me away.”

He ran.

“KyungSoo, wait, I'm sorry!” JongIn shouted after him. He stopped running abruptly. Images still in his head, he didn't see JongIn, he saw 'it'.

“Leave me alone, you monster!”

He ran. Again.

 

 

 

“I'm home.” MinSeok opened the door, but seeing no one around he went upstairs to change. It was strange, KyungSoo was always home. He checked the bedroom just in case, it was really quiet. Stepping closer to the bathroom, he heard sobbing. Without asking for permission, he opened the door.

“Holy , KyungSoo. KyungSoo, oh my. Come on., stop crying. Please, child. Stop this.” He wanted to hug him, make him feel better and comfortable, but he couldn't even take a step forwards.

“Hyung, hyung I'm sorry. I just want to be able to be normal. I want to be like everyone else. Hyung, I wanna feel something. Anything. I don't want to be numb anymore, I want to feel something except that burning sensation when someone touches me. It hurts. He's everywhere, in my head. He's chasing me. Hyung, I think I'm dying.” Looking into KyungSoo's swollen eyes, MinSeok started crying himself. He knew Soo for so long, since he was eight and he was never so miserable.

KyungSoo already tried once.

To die. Drown.

He said then that when he was underwater, he felt happy. Nothing worried him and he felt free. Free from the phobia, from the judging looks, from the world, from the monster. 'It'.

 

 

 

They sat there without a word, until a bell interrupted their silence.

“KyungSoo, there's someone wanting to see you.” It was new, someone wanting to see him. He might have had friends, but most of them lived far away, so they met only at school.

He washed his face in hurry and came downstairs.

It was JongIn. His eyes were swollen, KyungSoo knew he was crying. What he didn't know what that JongIn's heart has been ripped to pieces, he didn't know that he cried for hours after he called him a 'monster', he didn't know JongIn liked him a bit more than just a friend. Because until today, KyungSoo didn't knew he existed.

“Hi Soo. Are you ok?” He was holding tears that were forming in his eyes. What was he expecting? Coming to his house like this and expecting that boy to run into his arms saying sorry. Was he losing his mind?

“Yeah, but you don't seem very ok. Want to come and drink some black tea?” At the scene, MinSeok smiled to himself and quietly went upstairs to his bedroom. JongIn nodded and slide into the kitchen. KyungSoo went off making tea.

“What happened? You were crying.” JongIn lowered his head. You happened. He felt his heart increasing its speed and blood pumping in his veins.

“Why did you call me a monster?” A single teardrop fell to the floor unheard. No one saw, but JongIn felt its weight on his shoulders as he sank down into the chair.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Here's the tea. Drink, it'll warm you up.”

“But you said it... Thanks” He stopped midway through the sentence, not sure what he wanted to say. KyungSoo was making him nervous; every cell in his body was slowly dying from the amount of stress. All because of those beautiful eyes.

“Can I see your bedroom?” Random, it was. But he wanted to know more about him. After a year of looking afar at the boy who never saw him, although he was always near, JongIn wanted more.

“Umm, sure.” He led the younger into the room.

The walls were beige with a hint of orange, covered in black cursive writing . Kingsize bed in the middle, between two windows. A desk and a bookshelf. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Minimalistic.

“It's really nice. Can I sit down?” Uneasy, KyungSoo nodded and sat at the other end of the bed, swinging his legs back and forth. Back and forth.

“What is all these writing on your walls?”

“That's just quotes. From friends, famous people, everything I found interesting I guess.” JongIn scanned all the walls. He found one that he especially liked. '...Touch the Feelings” He pointed to the quote.

“Who is this by?” KyungSoo eyes wandered looking for the right one, until they found the most hated and beloved quote.

“Someone who was once very dear to me. My mother.” JongIn must have looks surprised as KyungSoo felt the need to explain further.

“She used to say to me when I was little, 'Don't touch the love, nor the body, touch the feeling honey, they are the most true. Love can be sly, bodies are fake, but feelings are always veritable, because they come from the soul.' By then I didn't really understand her words, but now it's different.” He recited her words like a poem he learned by heart, like words of wisdom.

“I see.” A fog of silence fell in-between them.

“So, Soo, what is your favorite flower?”

“Why are you asking?”

“I don't know.” And they both laughed.

That laugh wasn't the last one. From that day on JongIn visited KyungSoo everyday after school. They drank tea, talked while sitting on opposite corners of the bed, learned new things about each other, laughed.

But KyungSoo didn't realize JongIn was moving one centimetre closer everyday.

 

 

 

“Dear Diary,

A feeling. Define a feeling. It's a sensation, the heat or coldness you feel in your body.

A feeling is the warm thing I feel when I hear his rhythmic laugh, or when I see him dance in my room when he thinks I can't see. I'ts been four months. I feel. Something, anything. He makes me feel.

Tell me, am I in love? Could I be? In love...”

“JongIn ah! Give me back my food, my stomach is craving for it.” KyungSoo stood still, while JongIn run in circles around him, while eating some of the food. He gave in finally when Soo looked at him like a puppy. A very, very hungry puppy.

JongIn stepped closer to him.

“No, don't.” KyungSoo's smile turned around into a frown. He shivered, he hated closeness and touch. End. Period. No matter was it JongIn or Tao or anyone else. Touch was a disease. And he wasn't getting it.

“KyungSoo, please. A step closer.” JongIn moved, to a point where he was five centimetres from him.

“JongIn, stop! Get away! Don't you dare take it so far.” KyungSoo left, running towards the toilets. There were tears in his eyes. He liked him, but he wanted to hurt him. To touch him. He wanted to put that disease on him. To lay his dirty hand on him. Like that monster did.

 

 

 

“Soo, I'm sorry. Come out, please. I want to talk..” JongIn waited impatiently for the boy, he knew he done bad but he needed to show him, somehow, anyhow, that touch was ok. That it won't hurt. Because he wanted to be closer to him.

“Leave me alone. I'm a worthless freak!”

“No, KyungSoo yah, please, come out.” JongIn waited long. Long enough for the boy to give up and talk to him.

“Do KyungSoo, don't you ever say you're worthless, ok? You're not, you never were and never will be... Soo, let me try. Let me try to be closer. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to be closer.”

“Why? Why do you feel the need to be closer to me, huh? Why do you have to try? You're just like all the others, like him. You will hurt me, one way or another, it will hurt. So stop trying and go to a e if you want someone close to you.” Yeah, it hurt, but not KyungSoo. It hurt JongIn, because he cared enough to jump into fire for him, while he wouldn't even try to look at him.

“You know what KyungSoo, that was cruel. Do you want to know why I want to be close? Do you? Do you really ing want to know?!” His eyes were crying, but his mouth was angry.

“Because I ing like you. No, no wait that's not it. I love you. But you don't love me. That's it. Happy? Are you happy now? I won't try anymore. I tried for a whole year and you haven't noticed me, I was your neighbour, how could you not realize? Then I tried for four months to make you at least try. To try to talk to me, to try to do anything. But no, I had to do everything. If not that, you probably wouldn't even see me. You and your phobia, you're just a self-centered idiot that sees nothing except himself. You know what, I regret knowing you. You freak.” He took his belongings and left.

 

 

 

Hit.

KyungSoo was gone. Into a world of destruction and reality. The reality that was just shoved into his head. The fact that the phobia is just a defense, but not against pain, but the fact that he's to worthless to even try, to care.

Punch.

 

 

“JunMyeon ah, don't you want to play? Go on, hit me. You too, JunShik.”

“Did you lose your mind you freak?” The JJ's didn't wait for an answer, they waited for that moment since that JongIn guy showed up and ruined their game with Mr. Touchy.

Hit. Punch. Kick. He wanted more. KyungSoo coughed up blood and felt his lungs exploding in despair for air. He felt bruised, he felt his friend death standing next to him, ready to take him home. But, just like last time, she showed up a second too late. It was just like the time when the monster was here. Everyday was like today.

Darkness.

 

 

 

“KyungSoo, wake up. Soo, please, don't do this to me. Please.” The voices of JongIn, Tao and MinSeok could be heard in the halls of the hospital.

SeHun just ran in.

“What happened? Omg, sunbae.” Even from the poker-faced ulzzang, a tear rolled down his cheek. Like a caring brother, Tao was right.

“Good evening, are you the family of Mr. Do?” A doctor came into the room and MinSeok send everyone away.

“No, but I take care of him. He has no family.”

“Oh, that's alright then. Mr. Do will be fine in no time. He has a broken arm, but it's nothing serious; should heal in a couple of months. He is definitely in pain after receiving such a treatment, but he'll be out in two days. That's it then, I'll leave you two alone.”

 

 

 

KyungSoo woken up half an hour later, only to meet eye to eye with his friends. To his surprise, Tao, MinSeok and SeHun left immediately after opening his eyes. There was only JongIn, who was holding his hand all the time.

“Hey Soo. How are you feeling?” KyungSoo was numb, but there was a warm feeling on his hand.

“J, j, j, JongIn, you're... Your hand? Let go!” He started stuttering, but JongIn was holding firmly and not even a single though of letting go crossed his though. If he started, then he'll also end it.

“No! I won't let go. So shut up. Does it hurt? Does it feel bad?” KyungSoo wanted to argue and shout at him, but he couldn't. He couldn't, because it didn't hurt, because it felt just... Right.

“JongIn, please. I can't. Please.”

“No, no Soo, you can. You just don't want to. Is it me?” Pushing him away all this time, it hurt KyungSoo to do that. But JongIn, every time he was close, the images were back.

“You worthless piece of !” “Mom, mommy... Mommy please, take me away.”

“No JongIn, it's not you and it never was. It was him.”

“Who?”

“The monster.” KyungSoo started crying, but this time it wasn't the tears of sadness, it was a cry for help.

“The monster, JongIn. That monster, was my farther. He use to beat me up when he got bored, when he got angry, when he drank, any occasion. He wished me dead. I cried for my mom, but she left me. She didn't even look back at that five-year old she left with an insane farther who tried to kill that child every day. For nine years JongIn. I had to put up with it for nine, long years. Until they finally took him. He got imprisoned, he's still in jail. What if he get's free? He'll kill me.” KyungSoo started rocking back and forth and biting his lips until he felt blood. He looked at JongIn in hope. Or maybe hopelessness.

“Soo, forgive me for this.” He hugged him. He embraced him for as long as he only could. I'm feeling something. This was the missing feeling. I feel. The older sat still, not moving or even breathing. He was lost and frightened and shocked. JongIn let go and looked him in the eyes.

“I know this is not the best time or place for this kind of thing, but Do KyungSoo, I, I love you. I love you.” He blushed like a blossoming cherry and lowered his head.

“Kim JongIn, I know I was an idiot, I'm sorry. For not noticing you, for being blind to your sunlight that you carry around yourself, for not trying and being a self-centred jerk. And thank you, for loving me, even though I didn't show my feelings. Kim JongIn, I think I love you.

 

 

 

MinSeok and the other two were standing outside watching the lovely scene that they were all waiting for. Expecially SeHun and Tao who were betting if they would kiss.

“No way, KyungSoo wouldn't let him.”

“Oh come on, you think JongIn would let that happen?” SeHun argued and bet a bubble tea while Tao bet some of his money.

 

 

 

Both staring into each other's dark, patronising eyes. JongIn put on a smirk.

“What?” KyungSoo made a cute expression, to which JongIn laughed.

“Well, for this you will have to kill me.” He pressed their lips together and closed his eyes, which KyungSoo did to, for the first time in his life, it felt goof to be touched. It felt like heaven.

 

 

 

“Come Tao, get that money of your out.”

 

 

 

“Dear Diary, Today. Touched, Hugged, Kissed, Loved by Kim JongIn. Today. I have nothing else to say, he had simply touched my feelings.”