Nothing but the sound of pencils tapping the table and the low murmurs of the students who are discussing their lessons can be heard inside my favourite place called the Library. I’m not a nerd or even an excellent student to have the library as my favourite place but I just like it in here because of the serene atmosphere. My mind is peaceful when I’m in here and that’s what I love about it.

I was reading a novel that I got from the fiction section a while ago when someone rudely grabbed it from me. As I was about to berate the culprit, I was greeted with the brightest and most genuine smile that I’ve ever seen.

“No reading time. Your beloved is already here.” He whispered.

“Is that so? Can you be a darling and remind me who that is?” I smirked.

His smile turned into a scowl which looked so adorable that I just want to pinch his cheeks so much but I can’t because he might scream in pain and that’s a big no-no here in the library.

“I’m hurt. You already forgot about me after an hour?”

“Oh so are you saying that it’s you? I didn’t know.”

“Well now you know so stop talking and give this poor guy a kiss to make up for being forgotten.” He puckered his lips with his eyes closed and I can’t help but giggle, quietly of course. “Any time now.” He said in the same position.

Of course being the great girlfriend that I am, I gave the adorable guy in front of me a sweet short kiss.

“There you go! You’re so cute that I can’t even say no.” I kissed him again.

“Aisshh.” He grunted. “Don’t call me cute. My manliness deteriorates when you call me cute. Call me ‘Macho’ or ‘Cool’ I prefer those than being called ‘cute’.” I can see him cringe at the thought of being cute and ironically, it makes him even cuter. I can’t stop myself anymore so I took the risk and started pinching his cheeks. Luckily, he didn’t yelp in pain but it is obvious with his expression that he’s feeling the pain.

After a few seconds, when I felt that I’m satisfied, I let go of his cheeks and gave him a wide smile out of contentment from fulfilling what I wanted to do.

“Ouch.” He said while holding his cheeks that are now red from my pinch. “What was that for?”

“I can’t help it. My baby’s so adorable that my hands automatically reached for your face.”

Smiling at him is what I did because I know that he loves it whenever I smile at him and I was right. Instead of reprimanding me for pinching him, he hugged me tightly.

“You’re lucky I love you so much.”

“I know and that’s why I love you too.”

We broke away from the hug and returned to where I was sitting. As soon as he was seated next to me, he took my hand and held it. This is one of the simple things that make me love him even more.

“Where do you want to eat for dinner?” he asked.

“You? Where do you want to eat?”

“I’d eat anywhere as long as you’re with me.”

“And when I start thinking that I will have a serious conversation with my not so serious boyfriend he proves me otherwise with his cheesiness.” I scoffed at him but I’m really not upset or anything. I’m already used to his smooth tongue that says these kinds of things randomly. “But you wouldn’t be you if you’re not like that, so I’ll let it go.” I said while gently patting his cheeks.

He hugged me again saying, “Admit it, you like it when I say something sweet.”

“In your dreams.” I tried to break away but he hugged me tighter.

“Just admit it. It would be our little secret that the almighty Im Yoona likes cheesy lines.”

“You’re once again hallucinating Kwon Jiyong. I don’t like it.” I said looking straight to his eyes. “But since, it’s you who’s saying it, I love it.”

His eyes went wide at the shock of my unexpected come back. I took this opportunity to escape his hug and leave him dumbfounded.

“See you later baby.” I left in a hurry but without forgetting to stick my tongue out to a little.

--

We’re naturally like that when the two of us are together. Skinship and sweet words are always present and it is never a dull moment when we’re with each other.

Jiyong and I have been a couple since high school and we still are now that we are in College. Way before we became an official couple, we were already close with each other for we are childhood friends. We are neighbours and we met when he accidentally kicked his soccer ball into our yard. I was playing with my dog that time and I saw him peeking if he can get the ball so I took the pleasure of handing him the ball. He was shy and unsure at first, thankfully, I’m naturally the friendly and talkative type so I initiated the conversation and that’s where it all started. We have been inseparable since then. Where one is, the other is not far from sight.

Later on, we found out that we already have feelings for each other. Feelings that are more than what we should be feeling which is the platonic kind of love and not the romantic kind. But instead of fighting it, we accepted it and became a couple. Our bond didn’t weaken but instead it became stronger than it already is, if that’s even possible.

Though there are consequences, I’m not used to not having him around. It’s like I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m always looking for his presence, for his gentle touch, for his slick words, for his playful remarks, for his soft kisses, for his warm embrace, for him. Fortunately, he’s always there and if he’s ever out of sight, it’s just for a short while and never exceeds what I can handle.

There is a saying though, “There is nothing permanent in this world but change.” I never thought this change would happen to us. I never thought this change would affect me, him, us so much that it will break what everyone perceived as something as strong as diamond.

--

“I hate this! Why did they give us this kind of schedules?” I grunted in disapproval the moment I saw the big difference in our schedules that are posted on the university’s portal.

“Yoong, please don’t be like this. We don’t have any choice.” He hugged me lovingly from the back in an attempt to calm me down and might I say it’s working very well. “The University is the one who gives out the schedules and if I can have it any other way I would without a doubt base my schedule with yours.”

“But it’s just too far apart. When I’m in class you have your break time and when it’s my time to have a break you start having classes.” I stomped my foot in protest. “It’s like they created our schedules like that on purpose.”

Jiyong turned me around to face him and gently, he reached for my cheeks. “And so what? We’ll still be with each other at the end of the day. Just like before, I will fetch you from your house to the Uni and then I’ll get you home as well after your classes.”

As much as I’m happy that he would go to those lengths to spend some time with me, I can’t help but feel bad because if he would be doing that with my class 3 hours ahead from his, he has to wake up early just to drive me to school and then stay there until his class starts instead of just resting at home.

“No baby. Don’t do that. It would be too much of a hassle for you and it’s impractical.”

“It’s fine with me. Like what I told you before, as long as I get to be with you I’ll do anything and everything.”

To hear him say such sweet words makes me think of how lucky I am to be this guy’s girl.

“Let’s just meet up after your class. You can go to our house at night and we’ll have dinner with Appa and Umma. Just so you won’t get too tired.”

“But I want to bring you home and at school. I want to spend time with you even for the shortest minute.” And there he goes again with that adorable pout. I’m trying to control myself not to kiss him right then and there but why should I? He’s my boyfriend after all and that’s when I gave him a short peck on those pouting lips of his.

“Would you stop pouting like that? It’s too adorable that I can’t resist giving it a kiss.” I laughed at him who is still pouting. If my guess is correct, he’s doing it on purpose now to get another kiss but I won’t fall for it. “Stop pretending to be pouting and listen to me.”

As soon as he heard the seriousness in my tone, he started to look at me with the same seriousness.

“I want to spend as much as time as I can with you too Jiyong Oppa, but I don’t want you getting too tired. I would only be constantly worrying over your health and we both know that you’re not the healthiest type of person.” Yes, that’s why I’m very worried that he would get tired if he will still insist that he would drive me back and forth. He is physically fit but he’s resistance to sickness is very low that he’s always catching a cold or gets a flu and I don’t want him getting sick because he’s too tired from sending me home and to school.

“Don’t worry about that. I can handle myself.”

“That’s what you always say but look at what happens.” It’s now my turn to pout at his stubbornness.

“Fine. I’ll just go straight to your house after class.” He gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. “But, if I’m lucky enough to have no professors, I’ll go to wherever you are. Agree?” I just nodded my head in reply.

To be honest, even if we’re going to see each other every day I’m still going to miss him so much. Meeting up every night is still different from being always together. If I can just change classes to be with him I would gladly do it, but that’s just impossible to happen. All we can hope for is that our time with each other would be enough.

--

Just as planned, Jiyong visits our house after his class. Umma and Appa are even glad that he visits frequently since they are close to him as well. At the start, everything’s going smoothly. Not too much school works are given and because of that we are still able to meet each other often like going on dates during weekends and when our professors are kind enough to dismiss us early we meet up for lunch. But things were bound to change and to get difficult. School works started piling up and our everyday meet ups diminished to 6, 5, 3, 2, 1 and sometimes 0 days a week. At first I was able to tolerate at least 4 days a week of seeing each other with the thought that this is better than nothing but as it lessened and became non-existent, I just can’t take it anymore. We exchange text messages and we call each other when we have the chance but that’s just not enough and it’s not working for me anymore. I can’t feel his presence. I can’t even feel that I still have a boyfriend at all. And I’m getting scared. I’m getting scared that maybe I’m losing my love for him. Doubts and questions are starting to form in my mind like, is it just normal to feel like this, should I confront and tell him about this, is it still worth it, but what really bothers me is the question of do I really love him? I’m not sure anymore. It’s like all this time I only thought that I love him because he was always there for me; he’s the one to make me laugh, to comfort me, to listen to my problems, to share my thoughts with, to hug me when I need one, to kiss me so that I know that I’m loved. But now… Now that he’s not with me as often as before, I’m starting to see him differently. I’m starting to realize what he really is for me.

“A brother.”

“A best friend.”

“But not a lover.”

Without looking at him, I whispered these words. I just can’t bear to see what his reaction would be. I’m also afraid of how he would react. Is it better if he feels the same way or will it hurt more to see him relieved than seeing him hurting?

“What are you trying to say Yoong?”

His usually confident voice sounded weak when he asked me and it’s making my heart ache to know that I’m making this happen.

“I’m saying that this was a mistake from the beginning.”

“Don’t say that! This is not a mistake.”

For the first time, I heard Jiyong Oppa raise his voice but instead of being scared, I feel pity because he sounded desperate more than certain.

“If this is not a mistake then what is it Oppa? Why does it feel wrong? Why am I feeling like this? Like I’m only with you because I can depend on you to be there and now that we hardly see each other there’s nothing that makes me want to stay.”

Though I planned not to cry during this confrontation, my tears are forcefully falling and I have no control over it anymore. I just let them. And to make me feel even worse, he hugged me. I can feel his lean and firm arms around me, stopping my body from trembling and he didn’t fail. As my sobs became faint, he only tightened his embrace.

“Please don’t cry. Do you know that I feel like I’m dying every time you cry?” he whispered in my ear.

“Mianhe. Jeongmal Mianhe for being this way.” I whimpered.

“Hush. Don’t be. I love you just the way you are so don’t be sorry for being you.”

Gently, he is my hair. For once since this conversation started, I’m relaxed. Right now, nothing feels wrong. It just feels right to be in his arms.

“Yoong, I love you. Always remember that. I know I’m at fault for not making time for us and I’m very sorry. I’m very sorry. I know it’s been hard for you that I’m not around as much as I used to be and I’m sorry for not doing anything despite knowing that.” He inhaled deeply. “Just give me another chance Yoong. Give us another chance. I’ll do better. I will make sure that you won’t have to feel like this again.”

Slowly, he held my shoulders and looked at my tear-stained face. Finally having the guts to look at him, I saw that he too was crying but I saw him force a smile when he saw that I was looking. Then I realized one thing.

“I can’t lose you Oppa.” Shyly I murmured.

“Me too. So let’s make this work. We can make this work.”

I just nodded and he gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. As soft as the kiss was, I can feel the intensity of his sincerity and love. With that, I know I made the right decision to keep going.

--

True to his word, Jiyong Oppa exerted a lot of effort to make time for us. Everything was back to normal. I get to see him every day because he makes sure that a day won’t pass without getting to see each other. Sometimes, when he gets off class quiet late in the evening, he would send me a message telling me to go down from my room for a while and I do. Handsomely, he’s standing right in front of our door with a bright smile no matter how tired he was and I would give him the tightest hug that I can manage to make him feel how much I longed to see him.

Everything is wonderful. I’m happy, he’s happy and most importantly, we are happy together. Unfortunately, happiness is a temporary thing. It hurts to think that our happiness is not an exception but that is the truth.

--

A year hasn’t passed when we encountered another problem. Though Jiyong Oppa is trying his best, his body was the one to tell that it’s taking too much toll on him. He got sick due to fatigue and ended up confined for a week. I was in distress when I found out so I asked our parents if I can take care of him while he’s in the hospital. They were against it at first because I have to go to class but I’m as stubborn as a rock and in the end they had no choice but to let me. Truth be told, I won’t even be able to focus in class knowing that he’s sick. I just have to be there for him.

I must be crazy for thinking like this but that week that he was in the hospital is the best week that we have spent after a long time. Maybe him getting sick was a blessing in disguise. Maybe it was a way for us to make up for the time that was wasted because of our busy schedules. But as much as we loved that we were able to be together I can’t handle the thought of this happening again. That’s when I decided to make him stop coming to my house if it’s too late already or when he’s tired.

“But Yoong, I don’t want to risk it. I won’t be able to take it if what happened before happens again. Me getting sick is nothing serious. It happens to everyone, but us. It’s not something that I can set aside.” He complained.

“Oppa. You’re not setting us aside. I feel the same way as you do, but if you’re going to get sick like this again that’s just not right. Let’s compromise. I’d be the one to go to your house when you’re going to be late from class. I’ll wait for you until you come home.” I smiled at him to persuade him some more.

“Then it’s you who’s going to get sick.” He pouted.

“No I won’t. It’s like you don’t even know me. I’m not called Him Yoona for nothing you know.” I said while showing him my make believe arm muscles making him laugh.

“Fine. You win, as usual.” With that he patted my head and smiled widely.

--

Our problems didn’t stop there. A few months after his discharge from the hospital, we faced the same problem. We lost time for each other once again. This time, no matter how hard we try, it’s just not working. To make matters worse, while I can feel that we are slowly drifting apart, I met Choi Seunghyun or as he likes to be called TOP. Coincidentally we were in the same classes. He was a transferee and I was his first friend. It happened in a haze because I was in a slump that day when Jiyong Oppa wasn’t able to meet me for lunch and on my way to my next class I bumped into someone’s back who happens to be him.

“Ugh.” I groaned as I plummeted to the floor.

“Are you alright miss?” I heard an unusually husky voice and as I looked up I saw that person holding his hand out for me to take, but I didn’t.

“I’m fine. Sorry for bumping you.” I said while I was standing up and dusting my clothes off.

“Oh, that’s nothing. I’m more worried about you. Are you hurt in anyway?” he asked whilst checking my arms and elbows making me jerk away.

“Oppss. I’m sorry. I’m making you uncomfortable right?” I saw him rub his nape out of embarrassment.

I don’t know what came into me but I just blurted out “No, you don’t.” That’s when I saw him raise his head to look at me with those gorgeous eyes; eyes that make you want to swoon and melt at his gaze. Wait! What am I thinking?! I have a boyfriend for goodness sake. I need to stop this and get my act together. I shook my head trying to shake the unnecessary thoughts away.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he said suddenly making me jump in surprise.

“O-oh, Y-yeah.” I stuttered.

“I’m Choi Seunghyun, but please call me TOP. Nice to meet you miss…” he extended his hand out towards me.

“Y-Yoona. Im Yoona.” I said and held his hand to shake.

Since then we became closer. We started talking more, since he’s new I showed him around campus and also around town during our vacant, he also joins me for lunch and we also study together, sometimes at the library or at my house and one time at his, though we don’t have a lot of similarities we hit it off and we’re able to talk just about anything. Either we agree on it or we argue about it but it’s the kind of arguing where you’re not really fighting but you’re just like playing around like kids waiting to see who would win. It’s safe to say that we’re comfortable that way.

I know it’s wrong to feel like this and to think this way but whenever I’m with TOP Oppa I tend to forget my worries in life and with my relationship with Jiyong Oppa. As a matter of fact, if not for Jiyong Oppa’s messages I would have completely forgotten that I’m his girlfriend and I feel so bad for it. Jiyong Oppa knows that I hang out with TOP Oppa and he’s cool with it. He even told me that it is great that I have a new friend and that he feels better knowing that I won’t get lonely when he’s not around, but nevertheless, I can’t help but feel like all of this is wrong. Jiyong Oppa shouldn’t be saying that, TOP Oppa shouldn’t be this nice to me, and I shouldn’t be thinking more of TOP Oppa than Jiyong Oppa who is my boyfriend.

--

Jiyong Oppa and I are out on a date to celebrate our anniversary. We watched a movie at first and then went to dinner at our favourite restaurant, then he brought me to the beach.

My back is leaning on his chest while I’m sitting in between his knees as we watch the waves under the blanket of bright stars and full moon. It was such a wonderful scene. We feel at peace just sitting there on the sand without the need to talk to fill in the silence. All I’m thinking right now is that nothing beats the comfort of being inside his embrace. Just as I was enjoying his warmth and the sound of the waves, I heard him speak softly.

“You know that I love you right?”

I was about to turn around to look at him because his question came out too sudden but he stopped me.

“Don’t. Let’s just stay like this.” He hugged me tighter.

“But Oppa.” I said in protest.

“Yoong, you know right?” he asked again. I don’t feel like he would stop asking unless I give him an answer so I gave him a nod.

“That’s good to know.” He said in a whisper.

“Oppa, what’s wrong? Why are you asking me this right now?” I can’t hold the questions inside my head any longer.

Without answering my questions, he asked me again. “How about you Yoong? Do you still love me?”

Am I hearing him right? Did he really ask me that?

I’m too stunned to answer or to even react.

“I’m sorry if I’m shocking you with my questions. I just wanted to know.” His voice sounded so tender and I don’t know what to make of it.

After recovering from the shock, I slapped his hands lightly and said, “Oppa! What kind of question is that!? Of course I do!”

I heard him chuckle softly.

“As a brother, a best friend, but not a lover right?”

Once again, I was stoned. I never thought that I would be able to hear those words again much more coming from him.

“O-oppa.” I stuttered. “Why are you bringing this up now?” I tried to turn my head back to him but he squeezed my hand tightly as if telling me not to, so I didn’t.

“If I tell you I’m setting you free, will you be happy? Will I be able to make you smile once again like I used to?” He wasn’t able to conceal the quivering of his voice as he spoke and that’s how I know his heart is in excruciating pain.

He hugged me tightly but gently at the same time and then one by one, his tears are trickling on my shoulder. Each drip of his tear sends a shiver down my spine and I have never felt this cold in my life simply because it’s not my body that feels cold but my heart. One tear that touches my shoulder is a flood that washes away whatever it is that’s inside my heart and slowly it’s getting hallowed and emptied.

Things are going too far and I can’t continue to sit here and not know what’s going on and why he’s saying all these stuff. I broke away from his hug and stared at him whose face is now drenched with tears.

Reaching for his face to wipe away his tears, I tried to stare at his eyes in hope that I might find the answers to the questions in my mind but he just looked away.

“Don’t. I don’t want you to see me in this state.” He said.

“How can I have my back turned away from you when you’re saying these kinds of things?”

I reached for his hands and gave it a tight squeeze asking him to look at me. It took a minute but he did. He always does.

“Now tell me. What’s going on? Why are you saying that you’re going to set me free? Why Oppa?” I pleaded, for I am desperate for answers.

He looked at me with the most sincere stare that I have seen him give me. “Because I know that you’re not happy with me anymore. Because I know that someone else is filling the space that I neglected and failed to nurture in your heart. I can feel it Yoong.” He paused to choke back the sobs that are threatening to come out.

“That’s not it Oppa.” I objected but he just shook his head.

“Yoona, don’t deny it anymore. Don’t deny yourself of the chance to be happy with someone that you actually love.” He said with a weak smile. “You and I both know that you have feelings for TOP; feelings that you haven’t felt for me.”

This time, I didn’t say anything because I know what Jiyong Oppa is saying has some truth to it. It’s true that I have been harbouring feelings for TOP Oppa for some time now. It’s true that he is filling in the emptiness that Jiyong Oppa’s continuous absence in my life left. But he’s wrong for thinking that I have never felt that way for him.

“You’re right Oppa.” Without even noticing it, I was looking at the ground the whole time Jiyong Oppa was telling me his reasons so I took the courage to look at him as I voice out what my heart is really longing to say, he deserves at least that. “I’m sorry because it had to be like this. I’m sorry because I’m not strong enough to hold on to us. I’m sorry because I have let my feelings drift. I’m sorry.” Now, it’s my turn to tear up.

“But Oppa.” I looked at him straight in the eye. “You’re wrong about one thing. I did have that kind of feelings for you. The feelings that you’re saying that I have for him are the same as to what I felt with you for the first time.”

I hugged him tightly and told him for the last time. “I loved you Jiyong Oppa.”

He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head saying, “I know.”

--

No matter how hard we tried to overcome the challenge of being apart because of our busy schedules, we still failed. We still ended. I’m weak for letting go just because we lack time for each other, but what am I to do? How can I hold on to something that I can’t feel anymore? How can I fight for something that is already lost? How can I hold on to something that is out of sight?