I hated my life.

My girlfriend cheated behind my back. I hated her.

My friends introduced me to alcohol and drugs and left me right after I turned into an addict. I hated them.

My dad was always a busy man. I hated him.

My mom was always a loving and caring mother. It made me sick.

I once owned a dog. I named her Roo. I sold her for drugs.

It was during my last year of high school when everything started to fall apart.

Mom found out that I was an addict. She was scared and cried. I hated it when she cried. Crying was always for the weak. She tried to make a deal with me. She told me she wouldn’t tell Dad if I stopped and agreed to go on rehab. I said to her, “to the hell with rehabilitation.”

I was never good with grades. I didn’t care about them at all. Dad owned a big company. Someday, he would die and it would be mine. But I thought I wouldn’t live to see that day come. That was all because of Mom.

Mom told Dad about me that night when we had that rare chance to sit together for a dinner. Dad got mad. He hit me. Mom cried. I ran away.

I had no money with me. I needed my drug. The dealer wouldn’t give it for free.

I ended up in a dark abandoned park with a bottle of cheap beer. It was cold, very cold I wanted to die. I smiled at that idea. I had no money, no friend, and no girlfriend. No one cared about me. I had no place to go – I bet my parent didn’t even look for useless child like me. I ran out reasons to live.

*****

I woke up to a blinding white light in an equally white room and an intense pain in my head.

“Sweetheart,” was the first word I heard. It was Mom’s. I just knew it was bad.

I was hospitalized. They found me almost dead at the park. They asked me why I cut my wrist. “because I wanted to,” I replied. I was tired of being questioned and having to listen to the chronologies. I didn’t care how hard my parent had searched for me. I didn’t care how I was found. All I care was why I hadn’t died yet.

Mom tried to make a deal with me. Again. I wondered why Dad hadn’t asked her to work for the company yet. She would make a good negotiator. She told me that Dad paid the police. They would shut my case down. I told you they were rich. Mom said I didn’t have to go to the rehabilitation center if I followed their rules. They would get me a doctor, a medication, a new school, a brand new life, in return of being a good boy. I said no.

They disregarded my choice and started my medication. That day, I met a man. He was assigned as my doctor. His name was Lee Jinki. He brought me a candy. What a creep.

Mom visited me almost every day. She was all smiley and lovely it made me sick. Mom made me sick. She told me she loved me. Rubbish. Mothers always loved good boys and nice girls. Mothers hated troubled kids. I wasn’t a good boy. And troubles attracted to me. She was a good actress. I wondered why talent scouts hadn’t recruited her yet.

Jinki, that creepy man, never left me alone. He was there when I opened my eyes in the morning, when I closed my eyes for nap, when I was up from nap, when I closed my eyes at night, when nightmares haunted me, when my body begged for drugs, when my mind whispered me to die. He held onto me so tight it scared the hell out of me. He always said weird things like, “don’t die” “hang on there” “you can go through this” “I’m here”. He frightened me. People didn’t say words like that to me. People didn’t embrace me as strong as he did. I wondered how much Dad paid him to put up with me.

“Can you let me die?” I asked him that night, voice merely a whisper. My body gave up after trashing on my bed pleading for drugs asking for death. Jinki held me there, like always.

“No” he whispered back. He was as tired as me.

“Why?”

But he didn’t answer.

“Is that the same reason as why you prefer to pin me down on the bed instead of tying me up?”

“Yes”

For once, I thought I had found a reason to live.

*****

After months of medication, I got better. That was what they told me. Dad was glad. Mom was happy. I didn’t care. But I cared about how Jinki said he was proud of me. I was his best patient.

“I’m glad that you’ve found a reason to live.” But he never asked what my reason was.

That morning, he brought me a breakfast. It was a sandwich and a glass of orange juice.

“When I was making one for myself, I remembered you so I made extra sandwich for you. Nurses say you like orange juice.”

No one made me a sandwich, not even my ex. Except Mom; Mom must do it due to her responsibility as a mother. This got me scared even more. What if I carved for more but there wasn’t more of specially-made-for-Jonghyun food in future?

Jinki was tired. I could tell from the way his shoulder fell, the way his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Good night, Jonghyun. Have a nice dream.” His hand felt warm on me. I closed my eyes. I felt his grip loosening. My eyes wide opened in fear. It was just him fast asleep. I held his hand firm. Then I regretted it. Because he stirred in his sleep. I closed my eyes again. He seemed to be awake. His hold tightened. I felt secure once again.

Mom always ruined good things. She told me good news that I could go home soon. I didn’t understand her. It was bad news. Home didn’t have Jinki in it.

“Have you heard the good news?” I gave him an intent look on the eyes. “You’re soon to be discharged from this hospital.” I didn’t understand him too. It was bad news. “I’m happy for you. You’re recovering pretty fast. Soon, you’ll have your normal life back. It to be here, doesn’t it? They only have awful foods and boring white rooms and nasty smell.” He paused. I didn’t tear my eyes from him at all. “I always wished we could talk more.” He muttered softly. “Cheer up, Jonghyun-ah. In a little while, you will breathe fresh air, see the blue sky, and talk to people. You won’t have to be locked up here and only have a boring doctor all the time.” I knew he was attempting to make me smile. I wanted to. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I got bad news. I got his confession. I made him think he was boring. What was there to be smiled about?

Mom cleaned my bedroom. But it didn’t change my hatred toward this room. It might be colourful. It might have a good sight from the window. It might be less dull than the white room. However, it didn’t have Jinki.

Mom thought she could replace Jinki’s presence. She was wrong. I barely talked to Jinki. What made she think I would be talkative with her? Still, I behaved like a good boy. I took my pills and attended my doctor appointments. I never missed my meals. If I kept going on like this, I could get Jinki, right? I hoped the answer was yes. Oh, this might be my first hope after a long time.

“Can I have my phone back?” Mom couldn’t hide her shock hearing my first words after weeks being at home.

“Your phone? My bad, I must forget to give it back to you. Sure, darling, you can have it back. What do you want to do with your phone?”

“Will you give me Jinki’s number?”

“What’s for?” her expression started to falter.

“I want to talk to him.”

“Is there something wrong, honey?” but I didn’t reply. “Sure you can have it.” She took my phone and typed his number there. I was surprised to know she remembered it. For the first time after a long time – again – I felt like smiling.

“Hey,”

“Sorry, who’s this?”

“Jonghyun.”

He was taken aback. I told him I got his number from Mom. He didn’t mind it. He was glad I called him. He asked my health progress. I said I was good, except the part that I was bored. He suggested me to go back to school. I sighed. I changed the topic. I asked about him. He was startled and stammering while answering my question. He worked, as always, in that hospital, with other patient to deal.

In the end of the call, he said “Thanks for calling and asking about me. I almost think you wouldn’t want to have a contact with me anymore.” I felt warm when I heard it. I hoped he got it that I missed him. Look, I hoped again.

“When will I go back to school?” it was my first question on the first dinner together with Dad. They stopped eating, exchanging glances. I hated that. I tried to be good so don’t treat me that way.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Dad answered. “Which school do you want to go?” I had told you they were rich.

“My old school.”

“Sweetheart, we don’t mind dealing with your transfer papers if you want to change school.”

“My old school.”

“Okay, Mom will call your teacher tomorrow.”

I texted Jinki I started school tomorrow. I had one year left before entering university. Once again, I regretted my action. Now Jinki would find out that I was too old to be a high-schooler.

That’s good for you. You’ll meet your friends again and have a lot of fun with them. Say goodbye to boring days. I hope you enjoy your senior year and won’t get too distressed. If in future you face any difficulties with your school environment, you can call me or other doctors here. But I hope you won’t need that. Good luck, Jonghyun-ah.

I hoped we could get out of this doctor-patient relationship. Couldn’t we be friend?

I thought I got worse. I wanted a friend now.

“Dad, I want a motorcycle.”

“You get a car and a driver why do you want a dangerous vehicle like that?”

“Car is no fun.”

“Honey, it’s safer –“

“Mom, you promise me a brand new life if I agree to be a good boy.”

I got this idea when I saw one of the girls in my class getting picked up by her boyfriend in front of school gate this afternoon. What a cool motorcycle he had. What if I picked Jinki up at his workplace?

“Jonghyun, what are you doing here?”

“I’ll take you home.” I gave him my spare helmet. He only eyed it. I put it on him. Case closed.

I knew the trick from long time ago even though I only had my Ducati for a week. I used to befriending bad people to learn all dirty tricks. Jinki’s grip on my jacket was shy and almost reluctant. It was his first. His grip got stronger when I speeded up. So he was afraid of speed, I thought. But this was still wrong. He supposed to hold me close, not my jacket. So I made him to. I took advantages of this situation. It was wrong. But I was happy.

“Do you want to come in?”

I nodded. His house looked average compared to mine. It was nice and convenient. I liked it. It was very Jinki. I sat on the couch in his living room. He brought me a glass of water.

“Why did you wait in front of the hospital? You could call me.”

“You would ask me to leave first.”

There was a pause.

“How long did you wait?”

I didn’t reply. I could only gaze at him. I missed him.

“You should go home. Your mother must be looking for you.”

I stayed quiet.

“Did something happen? Do you have anything to tell me?”

He asked the wrong questions.

“Are you feeling sick?”

“No.”

“Do you take your pills regularly?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you sleep well?”

“I get nightmares.”

“Do you get it often?” he looked concerned.

“Sometimes. And no one holds me when it happens.”

“I see.” He was hesitant. “Would you mind telling me about what happen in your nightmares?”

“No.”

“Well, my suggestion is to tell your mother about it. I heard she’s home all the time. You can ask her to accompany you when you have your nightmares.”

“Is that all?” he asked when I said nothing. “I guess it’s time for you to go home. Thank you for the free ride. Next time, just call me and make an appointment. Be careful on the way, Jonghyun-ah”

“Sweetheart, where have you been? Do you know what time it is? –“

“I took Jinki home.”

That day I learnt a lot about Jinki. He had a nice brown hair. His skin was very white and it looked soft. His brown eyes turned into crescent when he smiled. He had white and neat teeth. He was slightly taller than me. I wondered how I could miss them all when I was in the hospital.

“I only agree to your free ride if you don’t do that.” That was what he said when he saw me in front of his house the next morning. I gave him a confused look. “I talk about that crazy speed and those sudden brakes so I would bump with you and have no option but hold onto you.”

“It’s safer if you just hold onto me. My jacket made of poor materials.” Jinki’s snicker was one of the richest sounds in the world.

*****

My new life, I did it right. My grade wasn’t that bad. I wouldn’t tell Jinki. Jinki was the type of kid that would get straight A on exam. The best I could get was B. I didn’t drink. I didn’t flirt. I didn’t do what bad kids do. Mom was happy. So was Dad.

It happened one evening when I waited for him. He walked out with a girl. They had their arms linked. They laughed together. They looked happy. Jinki’s smile was so bright. I hated that . I hated Jinki too, for falling for a . So I started my bike and left.

I skipped dinner. I didn’t do my homework. For once, I thought I wanted my cigarettes back.

Jonghyun, I saw you outside the hospital. Why did you leave first? Did something happen? Are you okay?

I mean, it’s okay if you couldn’t give me a free ride home. It’s just unusual of you today. Are you okay?

Jonghyun?

See you tomorrow morning

What if I was being too much? I exaggerated everything. Maybe she was just his friend. I knocked on his door the next morning. I had thought of a proper apology. But he wasn’t the one to answer the door.

“Yes?” I used to be a bad boy but I never thought of punching a girl. It was just unacceptable.

“Who’s that?” he came up. “Oh, Jonghyun, you’re early today. What about joining us for breakfast?” He smiled. Like nothing happened.

“I come to have a few seconds with you.” He frowned. I glared at her. She left us. It surprised me, es usually aren’t smart. She must be an exception.

“What’s that, Jonghyun?” I leaned forward and pecked him on his lips. Then I left. It was real quick. But my pondering heart lasted real long.

We need to talk. See you at the hospital.

“You’re upset? What makes you upset?”

“My only reason to live starts to slip away.”

“Mind telling me the details?” A random snatched Jinki away from me. But I wouldn’t tell you. “Jonghyun-ssi, I need you to cooperate with me. You can tell anything to me and I promise it’ll be between us two. If you don’t share your problems with me then how can I help you?” You clearly weren’t the one that could help me. It was Jinki. Only Jinki.

“Listen, whatever your only reason to live is, hold onto it tighter. Hold it strong. Do not let it slip away. If it does, you have to find another one. Do not give up your life. Think about something you treasure the most. Maybe your parents, or your schoolmates, think of something that make you look forward to tomorrow. Okay?”

“I’ll give a try.”

“Good. Our next appointment is next Friday at 2 PM. Are you going back to school after this?”

“No, I’m going to ask Dr. Lee if we can have lunch here.”

“Sure he’ll agree. He must be at the cafeteria on the 1^st floor around this time.”

I wondered what kind of food they sold here. I might end up ordering the same menu as Jinki. I was mad at him. But I was excited with the idea of having lunch with him. We never did that before.

Forget it, I spotted them. What was so wonderful about having a lunch with a cheap like her? She wasn’t his one night stand. One night stand didn’t work this way. We didn’t even stay for breakfast. I turned around. My doctor was there. it.

“Jonghyun-ssi, have you met Dr. Lee?”

it.

“Jonghyun-ah, did you know how hard for me to find you? Why didn’t you pick your phone? Dr. Park told me that you were looking for me. He said you were already at the cafeteria but just left. I was there, why didn’t you call me? That was the third time you just left like this. I called your Mom. She said you weren’t home. You weren’t at school either…”

When would people learn that I didn’t care about chronologies?

“… What are you doing here?”

“Thinking.”

“Of what?”

“Of which one is the easiest, cutting my wrist or crashing my bike into something hard.”

I saw him tensing.

He pulled on my hand. I looked up. “Come on. Take me home. It’s getting late.” For the first time, he hugged me so tight during the ride it melt away the anger inside of me. Jinki was the only person that confused me to the point of I didn’t know what I was feeling anymore.

He told me to wait on the couch. He was going to get change. He wouldn’t be long, he said. It was cute. He didn’t trust me. He must be afraid of my idea of crashing into something.

“Jinki I’m home!”

It took me one second to be in rage.

“Oh, you! Hello!”

It took me one glance to regret taking a chance to start anew. I regretted finding a reason to live. I regretted having hopes. I regretted wanting a friend. I regretted giving a try.

I love Jongyu so much ♥

I hope, by writing more Jongyu, people will start to write more Jongyu fics, the good ones.

Will I get to read your comment after writing this Jongyu piece? ;)

I'll post the last chapter soon. It's a two-shots!!!

Wait for the fluff part ^.~