Vicissitude.

One of the many changes and problems in a situation or in one’s life, that one has to deal with. I received the biggest vicissitude the day my Jeongie surprised me with the words, “Oppa-ya, I like you”

Many things occupied my mind at that exact moment. I always thought that she visualized me as a brother. After Hoon’s death, I promised myself to take care of the only other person he loved, and that’s my Jeongie. I did take care of her, but I also fell in love with her. I loved her, I hurt for her. My heart started beating for her, since a long time back. Way before she confessed her feelings for me. I remember that day very well.

It was the winter of 1993 and Na Jeongie called me to pick her up from a Lee Sang-min basketball match she’d been to. I was contemplating on whether to go for my sister’s save or to go on that one day trip with my girlfriend. My girlfriend asked me who I wanted to go with, her or Jeong-ah and that had me thinking. I opted for the answer that made my girlfriend kick my rear end, straight to the Lee sang-min concert.

As I arrived late at the concert, I found my Jeongie seated at the steps, snoring deeply. My first thought was to stick some tissue balls up her nose (she did that to me one day, and I still haven’t forgiven her for that), but then she sighed and rolled over. I was near enough to hear her groan: “Oppa-ya”

I froze. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was her only Oppa-ya.

I stood there staring at her for about ten minutes. Listening to her snores that usually made me kick her, but not today. Today I just wanted to watch her, and let her rest. I watched her messy hair sway in the wind. I usually pulled her hair or joked about it representing a crow’s nest. But not today. Today I wanted to it, but then again let her rest. I never realized that my Jeongie was pretty. She was beautiful. And then I realized that I’ve unintentionally started a forbidden feeling for her: love. I was in love with Hoon’s sister. The one, I swore to protect as my own sister. I tried not to look at her, so that I didn’t have to fall into a stupid and unrealistic one-sided love.

When she opened her eyes, she started yelling. Yes, I did the tissue-balls trick, just to tamper down my beating heart. She chased me in circles. But from that day, I saw her in a new light. Some things she did made me sigh. Some things made me laugh. But they also made me groan. I tried to keep my distance from her, only for her to come barging into my room, demanding stuff. As the days passed, more boarders came in, and I buried myself in work, trying not to think about her. I promised myself to help her find her love. She can do better than me. Who would want a messy, lazy and unkempt medical student like me for a husband? She can do much, much better. I enjoyed talking and laughing with the gang. I found a hoobae, who I thought would follow my steps, as he’s a medical student as well. And who in the right mind can ignore Binguerre’s puppy dog looks?

I started to get more and more comfortable around Na Jeong, to the point when she bit me, it didn’t even affect me. Well, except for the fact that she was practically kissing me, and her deodorant was all I could smell for days.

Jeongie’s drunk habit was a routinely thing to happen. Whenever the girl got drunk, she bit around. And I was the usual victim, because I’d be studying or watching the TV when the drinks come out. Once Ho-joon and even Yoon-jin got caught to that. I had a blast though, back when I wasn’t lusting after her. Once I saw her biting a seal toy too. That’s because everybody had run to safe territory, including me. Her bites aren’t exactly gentle. The girl knows to bite.

It was an unfortunate April 1^st that my Jeongie unleashed her feelings for me. I was surprised and taken aback. But mostly, my heart dropped, ten thousand feet below ground. My Jeongie liked me? My Jeongie liked me. I can’t like her back. I can’t. I was her brother. I promised Hoon that I’d take care of her like he did. And I loved Omma and Appa like my own parents. I can’t love my Jeongie. I’d have to break my family ties. Was I willing to risk it all, so that I can love her?

I was.

As days passed, Jeongie’s feelings started to get more and more desperate. I had to stop myself from pushing her against the wall and kissing her senseless, then proceed to ravish her. My head was in the gutter. Every time I saw her, I willed myself to look away and think of her as a sister.

Failure. I gave up. I gave into my feelings and kissed her.  

And that relieved me. She was happy, so I was happy. Her happiness was my everything. She was all that I wanted in this life. My Na Jeongie. Mine. I loved her more than words could say, and I wanted her to be mine. Legally, physically and mentally. I couldn’t let her go. I have already given her my heart. I can’t live without her.

Seasons passed. Years passed. We drifted apart. I wasn’t willing to open up my feelings. I never was. Since the day Hoon passed, I became an oppa. The person who has to take care of the family. The person people relied on. The person people looked up to. If I let my weakness show, wouldn’t that mean that I’m a failure? To my Jeongie, to Appa and Omma, to the other kids, to the world? I didn’t let my feelings show. When we broke up, Na Jeongie and me, I cried in bed. I didn’t want to show that I was weak without her. When she ran away from the café, tears streaming across her cheeks, I wanted to run after her, hug her and say, “Oppa is sorry”. But I couldn’t. I had to let her go. I kept hugging my pillow, wetting the sheets with my tears. Oppa was sorry.

But we couldn’t live apart for long. I needed her, for me to live. She was the oxygen I breathed. I fell sick without her. So I sent her a text, asking her to come, saying I was sick. But in reality, I missed her like crazy. This was my last try to mend the broken bridge with her. I didn’t expect her to show up. But she did. She was crying, she was mad. I just wanted her to know that I loved her, without actually saying the words. But her soft tears opened up the barrier that I guarded for all my twenty nine years. My tears fell, repeatedly, as I hugged her. She clinged onto my shirt, desperately, as both our knees gave out and we stumbled to the floor. I pulled apart and said the words I’d been meaning to tell her since the day I saw her snoring at the Lee Sang-min basketball match:

“I love you. I love you”

She gazed into my eyes and wiped my tears. Her words ‘I love you’ got lost as she kissed me, slowly, gently, letting her tongue explore my mouth. The kiss grew more passionate as our breaths mingled together, and in minutes, I had her pinned to the wall, letting her coat fall, unheeded, to the floor. Our clothes left a trail to the bed and I made her mine.