Secret Notes

I am sitting here alone waiting for you to come. But I know that you’ll never come. Why? Because you already have someone else beside you. Someone that always be there for you; smiling with you when you are happy, comforting you when you are sad, crying with you when you are down, and protecting you like there’s no tomorrow. I am happy for you, of course I am happy. You, the girl whom I love already have someone else that you’ll spend your whole life with, although that someone is not me. But do you know what, Yoona? There’s a part of me that still longing for you. I am still waiting for you, hoping you’ll come back to me while flashing your charming smile at me. But I know it won’t happen. You’ll never leave him, won’t you? You really love him, don't you? I know you do. I know you.

I am angry. But I am not angry with you, I am not. I am angry with myself. I am angry because I couldn’t be the one who protect you. I am angry because I couldn’t be the one whom you could share everything with. I am angry because.. because.. -I just can't let you go. And I am angry because I know all of that are my own fault. The thought of ‘Should I tell you? Should I wait for you?’ keep appearing in my mind, asking for my answer. But I am too stubborn. I didn’t try to find the answer using my heart, I always used my stubborn mind, the logical one. And it told me that ‘What’s the point of telling you the truth about my heart? It won’t change anything. Because I know you just deem me as your friend only, and nothing more. And I know it’s already too late.’

And if I had known that something like this would happen, I would have told you about my feeling since long time ago, since I realized there was something different in my heart every time I saw you.

And now I regret why I didn’t do it. So I am very angry with myself.

Yoona, should I tell you how I felt the first time I met you? To tell you the truth, I was flabbergasted. I was nervous, not only because it’s the first time we talked, but also because you were so beautiful, so glowing, so breathtaking, pure and innocent. Cheesy? Yes, I know. But it’s really what I felt at that time.

“Ssss sss sssunbae-nim…” I stuttered. I didn’t know that person whom I bumped into was you.

“Oh Luhan-ssi. I am so sorry. I was totally immersed on my phone. Did you hurt anywhere?” you, being the kind person you were, worried about my condition first instead of yourself.

I mentally slapped my face. I didn’t expect you to ask that question first. Because I am a man and a man should ask that question first. “I am okay, Sunbae-nim. How about you? I am truly sorry.”

“I am totally fine.” you smiled. “You don’t have to feel guilty or anything because both of us are at fault. And please don’t call me Sunbaenim. Just call me Yoona okay? We are same-aged friend right?” I felt relieved because I didn’t want to make a bad impression at our very first encounter. And when you asked me to call you simply by your name, I was very happy.  Just by imagining that we could be friends was really made my day.

“Okay sunbae.., -I mean Yoona-ssi.” I was really nervous and very awkward at that time because it’s the first time I said ‘yoona’ in front of you.

“And drop the formalities. We can be friends faster if we don’t use honorifics. By the way, I have to go now. Maybe we can chit-chat more sometimes. And congratulations for your debut.”

And until now, I still remember our very first encounter. I remember it very clearly. It still feels like a dream that I just had the night before. 

Do you know what, Yoona? Since our first meeting that day, I always look for you. I always seek a chance just to catch a glimpse of you. Everyday, I always wish that I could meet you, talk to you without any awkwardness surrounded us. I hope that we could be friends faster. I want to be your true friend, a friend that always stays by your side no matter what. A friend whom you could talk with about everything that happen in your life. I want to be the first one who knows about you, the first one whom you’re looking for when you want to share your sadness and happiness. And I want to be the one who comforts you when you cry.

I still remember when I saw you cry for the first time. I was a little bit taken aback. I didn’t know that behind your smile, behind your cheerfulness there were so many pains and hardships. You are really a good actress Yoona, really. I should have known that it’s only your mask to hide your sadness. I should have known from the start.

I was in the middle of my way to practice room when I saw you were bowing your head with knees were put closer on your body, embracing them. You were alone in that room, crying. I knew you were crying. I was contemplating. I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. Should I approach you? Or should I leave you alone? And pretended not knowing anything and kept this as a secret? But then, my feet took me to you, walking closer towards you. You heard my steps and then you hastily wiped your tears away. You looked at me with your doe-eyes, surprised to see me. And I couldn’t say anything, so I just smiled awkwardly. Then I took a seat right next to you with your eyes kept following all of my actions.

“LuHan, what are you doing here?” You asked me as soon as I sat beside you, looking at me right in the eyes.

I slightly tilted my head and tried to look back at you nervously. “I was on my way to practice room when I saw you sit alone in here. And here I am now.” I let out a silly grin.

You blinked your eyes several times, still couldn’t get my words. “No, I mean.. –did you.. ?”

“I saw it. You were crying. If it’s that what you mean.” I stared at some empty spaces, trying to avoi